Bản phân tích đề thi ielts 25062016

25/06/2016: Task 2: Some people think it is more important for government to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the trea

25/06/2016: Task 2: Some people think it is more important for government to

spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than

to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill To what extent do you

agree or disagree?

Many people believe that the expenditure on enhancing healthy lifestyle to avoid from

diseases rather than spending money on medical conditions to cure people of their

available health issues While I agree that impulsing healthy lifestyle should be invested,

I also think that the support of government for treating many patients is likely to be more

vital

On the one hand, there are serveral reasons why I believe that authority should spend

their money on encouraging healthy lifestyle Firstly, it is true that some diseases might

result from sedentary life on a daily basis People seem to be so caught up in their works

and studies, hence, they are not accustomed to do exercises regularly to maintain their

health Secondly, more people tend to prefer travelling by cars to walking or to cycling,

which leads to a significant increase in the number of people being more prone to obesity

in many countries around the world Therefore, it is necessary for government to spend

Commented [A1]: This is too long for a topic sentence and

should be reduced in length

‘Many people believe that the expenditure on enhancing healthy lifestyle to avoid from diseases rather than it is better to spend money

on medical conditions to preventing rather than curing people of their

available health issues’

Commented [A2]: Not sure what you mean here ‘imposing a

healthy lifestyle on people’; or ‘investing in promoting a healthy lifestyle ‘

Commented [A3]: ‘is important’ – re: AB2 Commented [A4]: Also too long ‘I also think that the support of government support for treating many patients is likely to be more

vital

Commented [A5]: ‘several’

Commented [A6]: ‘a healthy lifestyle’

Commented [A7]: You could reduce this to ‘the first reason why

healthy lifestyles should be promotes is ….’

Commented [A8]: This is unnecessary – no extra meaning Commented [A9]: ‘works’ – this noun is uncountable Commented [A10]: No need for this if you use ‘so +

adjective……, they… ’ structure

Commented [A11]: ‘not accustomed to doing……’ –

"Used" and "accustomed" are past participles followed by a preposition, in this case "to." Prepositions are followed by a noun, a noun phrase, a pronoun, a noun clause, or a noun form of the verb – that is, the "ing" form

Here are some examples from the Collins COBUILD* online:

so that your child can get used to them in familiar surroundings .I thought I'd never get used to being in an office all day After a while, you'll get used to the separation and accept it men and women around the world get accustomed to being overweight as

and I need time to get accustomed to the routine again .get to know each other and to get accustomed to talking to each other And

Commented [A12]: ‘exercises’ – no +s – ‘it is an uncountable

noun’

Commented [A13]: This could be reduced to ‘travelling by car is

prevalent and a major cause of obesity’

money on not only constructing more new sport centres but also on improving the quality

of public transport to advocate people to live healthier lifestyle

On the other hand, I also think that the expenditure on the treatment of people who are

suffering illness is more important The first reason is that beside unhealthy lifestyle,

there are some other reasons which may cause serious health issues In Vietnam, for

example, the hazardous problem of dirty food, water and air pollution all have becomed

burning topics that everyone concerns because they have been detrimental directly to

their lives Another reason is that many patients, especially who have chronic and acute

diseases, needs medicines and effectively medical techniques to be cured As a result, the

most essential thing for people who are ill already is the support from government in the

way of spending public money on enhancing the quality of services in many hospitals and

researching on medical conditions

In conclusion, spending public money on the treatment of people who are having illness

is less important than the expenditure on encouraging healthy lifestyle to prevent

Commented [A14]: This paragraph is too long – the content

needs to be reduced – you can do this by making the topic sentences and examples shorter

Commented [A15]: The use of passive will help you reduce the

number of words:

‘Therefore, it is necessary for government to spend money on not

only more new sport centres should be constructed in addition to

the improved quality of public transport to advocate people to live

healthier lifestyle

Commented [A16]: Reduce to ‘spending on treatment is more

important’

Commented [A17]: ‘besides’

Commented [A18]: ‘have all become’

Commented [A19]: Unnecessary

Commented [A20]: Adjective is needed here – ‘effective’

Commented [A21]: Again you could use the passive here to

summarize – ‘As a result, the most essential thing for people who are ill already is the support from government in the way of spending public money on enhancing the quality of services in many hospitals

and researching on medical conditions is paramount’

diseases Although it is necessary to invest in improving people’s lifestyle, I think that

spending on curing patients is more important

Comments:

This is a 6.5 A good answer You are need to simplify your answers – try to use a little passive; more

than anything keep to the word limit The only reason this didn’t get a higher score is it is too long – this

affects everything

Commented [A22]: This is unnecessary as you repeat this in the

final sentence – your final sentence is a better summary

Ngoc Bach’s amended essay:

Essay Plan:

Introduction: sentence 1: some people think that more government money should be spent

on preventing illness; sentence 2: disagree - more important to treat people who are ill Paragraph 2: it is important to spend money on prevention because [1] more and more people lead sedentary lifestyles, which can result in serious illnesses – it is necessary to promote sport and exercise [2] encourage people to use their cars less and walk or cycle more to get regular exercise

Paragraph 3: however, it is more important to focus on treatment because [1] not all illnesses are the result of lifestyle choices, they may be the result of pollution or unhealthy living conditions, e.g no clean water [2] funding for hospitals is essential in order to treat patients who are seriously ill and also to conduct vital research into new treatments

Conclusion: disagree – resources should be mostly allocated to treating people who are already ill

It is true that some people argue for more public expenditure on measures to prevent illness by promoting a healthy lifestyle While this would certainly result in benefits to public health, I disagree with the idea that this should be a higher priority than the treatment of people who are already suffering from illness

The promotion of a healthy lifestyle to prevent illness is undoubtedly a worthy aim of any

government The sedentary routines of many people make them more prone to the risk of diabetes or heart disease as a result of their inactivity In modern life, people are so caught up

in the pressures of work or study that they neglect the importance of keeping fit Dependence

on the car exacerbates the problem of lack of exercise Thus, government provision of affordable leisure and sports facilities, coupled with promotion campaigns to keep fit and

healthy would certainly be a worthwhile initiative to raise the general level of public health However, in the process of decision-making on health matters, I would argue that expenditure should be allocated first to the treatment of people who are ill Firstly, not all illnesses are the

result of unhealthy lifestyle choices by individuals For example, respiratory disorders are affected by air pollution in cities, while poor sanitation and contaminated drinking water contribute to outbreaks of dysentery and cholera Secondly, failure to subsidise medicines or to

invest in hospitals would certainly lead to many deaths which could have been avoided by

timely treatment Hospitals, for instance, have many roles in providing treatment, not only surgery but also in conducting vital research into the treatment of many life-threatening conditions, such as cancer or asthma

In conclusion, while promoting healthy living is important, treatment must have priority in health service spending

298 words

Band~9.0

Vocabulary:

sedentary: [adjective] in which you spend a lot of time sitting down

Example: She has a sedentary job, working as a secretary in an office

prone: [adjective] likely to suffer from something

Example: Professionals sportspeople are more prone to injury than most people

be caught up in: [phrasal verb] become involved in something, even when you do not want to

be

Example: I was so caught up in my work that I forgot to prepare my lunch

exacerbate: [verb] to make something worse, such as a problem or a disease

Example: His aggressive reaction exacerbated the situation, and soon a fight started

affordable: [adjective] cheap enough so that people can buy it/pay for it

Example: Membership of the new gym is not expensive – it is affordable even for people who

don’t have much money

respiratory disorders: [noun] problems related to breathing

Example: Smoking is particularly dangerous for people who have respiratory disorders

sanitation: [noun] the systems and equipment that keep places clean, especially by removing human waste

Example: By improving sanitation in the city, the authorities were able to reduce the impact of

some serious diseases

contaminated: [adjective] made dirty by adding something that is dangerous or carries a disease

Example: The drinking water has become contaminated as a result of dangerous chemicals in

the water supply

subsidise: [verb] give money to an organisation to help to pay for something

Example: The new housing project is subsidised by the government

timely: [adjective] happening at the right time

Example: The timely arrival of the police prevented the crime

life-threatening: [adjective] likely to kill someone

Example: The virus is known to be life-threatening, and many people have already died

condition: [noun] the state of someone’s health or how fit they are

Example: He suffers from a serious heart condition and he is now in hospital for treatment