4.5 PARAGRAPH AND SENTENCE STRUCTURE Another good reason to build a school in my neighborhood, is encourage more families to move here, more homes will be built more variety of people..
Trang 14.5 PARAGRAPH AND SENTENCE STRUCTURE
Example: For example, television and computers
Better: | For example, television and computers have impacted family life
Run-on Sentences:
Example: Children should grow up in the countryside they can know nature
Better: | Children should grow up in the countryside, where they can know nature
Children should grow up in the countryside because they can know nature
Example: Some people like living in a rural area, I prefer the urban lifestyle
Better: | Some people like living in a rural area, but I prefer the urban lifestyle
Some people like living in a rural area; however, I prefer the urban lifestyle
While some people like living in a rural area, I prefer the urban lifestyle
Incorrect Duplicate Subject:
Example: Private companies they should spend more money to clean up pollution
Better: Private companies should spend more money to clean up pollution
Incorrect Change in Verb Tense:
Example: People are living longer today because they had better health care
Better: People are living longer today because they have better health care
Remember, if you handwrite your essay, cross out errors and make corrections neatly If you type
your essay, use the appropriate computer keys to delete errors and insert corrections
Ji PRACTICE
Exercise 4.5.A
Read the following paragraphs Check paragraph and sentence structure Make any changes that will
improve the paragraphs Rewrite the improved paragraphs
1 My decision not to get married two years ago | could finish my university studies
My father he wanted me to get married My parents they allow me to make the decision If
| had married, | have to stay in my husband’s home Because in my culture a married woman
she has a duty to her husband It’s our tradition | chose finish my degree | will be a graduate
student in Toronto | will pursue my master’s degree in business economics DeLTA’s Key 10 THE TOEFL® Test 503
Trang 24.5 PARAGRAPH AND SENTENCE STRUCTURE
Another good reason to build a school in my neighborhood, is encourage more families
to move here, more homes will be built more variety of people It will encourage more family busi-
nesses people will drive more safely the children are walking to school Also a playground sounds
of children playing | like this A school is good for a neighborhood a sense of
community, education is a good thing should be close where people live
4.5 EXTENSION
LE IE TL I TE TE TOTO
Choose one of the essays you have written so far for the Practice and Extension
exercises in this section Exchange papers with a classmate On your classmate’s
essay, Suggest changes in paragraph and sentence structure that will improve the
essay When you get your own essay back, read and think about your classmate’s
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4.6 Worp CHOICE
4.6 Checking Word Choice
Q Focus
Read the following essay question and paragraph from the essay
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
You will not learn much about life if you are always comfortable
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion
Children must learn about life in a comfortable location If a child is not safety,
the child can’t learn nothing | wanna have children sometimes My duty is for keep
my children safety and protection from bad experience I’m gonna give my child food, clothes,
and other stuffs Because my child is comfortable, they will learn alot of things about life On the
contrary, | disagree with the statement
The writer makes several errors in word choice Can you identify them? Underline words that are
inappropriate or confusing
Look at these words and phrases in the paragraph
can’t learn nothing
wanna
sometimes
for keep my children safety
gonna
stuffs
On the contrary
Why are the above words and phrases inappropriate? What words and phrases would be better? What
other words in the paragraph should be changed to improve the paragraph?
The readers who score your essay will look at your word choice An essay receiving a score of 4 may
contain some errors that occasionally obscure meaning An essay receiving a score of 3 may reveal a
noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms
A few errors are allowed in an essay with a score of 4 or above However, an inappropriate choice of
words or word forms is considered a weakness Too many errors in word choice can mean the differ-
ence between an upper—half score (4 or above) and a lower-half score (3 or below)
DELTA's Key To THE TOEFL® Test 505
Trang 44,6 Word CHOICE
506
2 DO YOU KNOW ?
1 The readers who score your essay will look at
°~« how you use English to express your ideas
‘sa the appropriateness of your word choice The essay readers are mainly concerned with being able to understand your ideas and how they
are supported Inappropriate word choice or incorrect forms may obscure your meaning, making
it difficult to understand
It is best to use vocabulary you are familiar with, but avoid slang and other words that would be
considered too informal for an academic essay or for writing you do for professional reasons
Use words that are as specific as possible to communicate your meaning
Example: A parent must get a child food, clothes, and other things
Better: | A parent must provide a child with food, clothes, and other necessities
Example: Practicing sports is a really good thing
Better: Practicing sports benefits us in several important ways
Note: Allow around five minutes at the end of the 30-minute test to check word choice,
sentence structure, and paragraph structure, and to make any changes that would clarify your meaning
Some words that are useful for writing academic essays are:
ae 2 ose on ee ae ac 18s Ẻ ee 2 nh
SN De ce Bae:
Work to build your written vocabulary Read as much as you can on a variety of topics, and use
the practice exercises in other sections of this book to learn new words in context
Deta’s Key To THE TOEFL® Tesr
Trang 54.6 WORD CHOICE
Yes PRACTICE
Exercise 4.6.A
Read the following paragraphs Check word choice and word form Rewrite the paragraphs, making
changes to clarify meaning and to make details more specific
1 There are many advantages of having friends who are different me Such as my friend
who is from Turkey learns me a lot about his culture His family is so big and my family is
not big As a result, | like to go to his house to visiting his family | enjoy the good food !
enjoy the talking because it is really cool and interesting Other friend is an artist My friend
makes pictures and does other arts It is really cool In conclusion, my artist friend is not alike
me, so | learn good things about art from him
2 | prefer students should have several short vacations throughout the year instead to
one long vacation Students work hardly and need a brake often On the one hand, students
in my country have several short holidays show the seasons On the contrary, American
students have one long vacation in summer | read a paper say that American students forget
what they learned because the long vacation forgetful | belief several short vacations is good
than one long vacation
1 Review the sample paragraphs and essays in units 4.2 through 4.5 Notice the writers’
choice of vocabulary Are there any words and phrases you think are particularly strong
or weak? Are there any places where the meaning is confusing? What improvements
would you make?
2 Review the paragraphs and essays you have written so far for the Practice and Extension
exercises in this section Are there any words and phrases that make your meaning
confusing? What improvements can you make to clarify meaning and make details
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4.7 SCORING ESSAYS
506
4.7 Analyzing and Scoring Essays
Q Focus
Read the following essay question and essay
Some people prefer occupations in which they work primarily with machines
Others prefer occupations in which they work mainly with people Which type of occupation do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to
There are mainly two types of occupations Some occupations require to work primarily
with machines Other jobs need to work with other people My job is working with machines,
especial a computer Therefore, | prefer this kind of technical occupation
Computers are important in the society | have my job in the medical university | prefer
computers because they are logical, and they can help organization of medical records In
addition, computers have improved business, research, education, and many other fields of
study Many occupations require specialization in computers People must have technical
training to use computers Therefore, | can improve my education and learn computer skills
in my job
On the other hand, some occupations work mainly with people It is also neccesary in
my job | work in our team with two other people Therefore, we must help each one
In conclusion, | prefer to work with machines Machines need people to operate, and machines improve human life However, many occupations need specialization, such as
computer programmer, but also they need communication to other people So, | believe to
work with both machines and people are important in the society
When you analyze something, you examine its parts Analyze the above essay and rate the strength
of each of its parts by checking the appropriate space between VERY WEAK and VERY STRONG
With your classmates and teacher, discuss how you scored the parts of the essay How would you
rate the essay overall?
If this essay were rated by TOEFL essay readers, it would probably receive a score of 4 The essay
addresses the question, is adequately organized and developed, and uses some details to support the
thesis However, it contains some errors that obscure meaning, such as Therefore, we must help each
DELTA’s KEY 10 THE TOEFL® Test
Trang 74.7 SCORING ESSAYS
‘(2 DO YOU KNOW ?
Your TOEFL or TWE essay will be read by two qualified essay readers who will rate it on a scale of 1
to 6, according to the following scale:
(II
6 An essay at this level
® effectively addresses the writing task
*~« is well organized and well developed
®~s uses clearly appropriate details to support a thesis or illustrate ideas
&~e displays consistent facility in the use of language
°~« demonstrates syntactic variety and appropriate word choice
5 An essay at this level
“2 may address some parts of the task more effectively than others
a is generally well organized and developed
*~¢ uses details to support a thesis or illustrate an idea
“~« displays facility in the use of language
*~< demonstrates some syntactic variety and range of vocabulary
4 An essay at this levei
“~« addresses the writing topic adequately but may slight parts of the task
~« ig adequately organized and developed
® uses some details to support a thesis or illustrate an idea
Sw demonstrates adequate but possibly inconsistent facility with syntax and usage
°~« may contain some errors that occasionally obscure meaning
3 _ An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses:
“~« inadequate organization or development
‘~.¢ inappropriate or insufficient details to support or illustrate generalizations
“~e a noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms
®~e an accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage
2 An essay at this level is seriously flawed by one or more of the following weaknesses:
na serious disorganization or underdevelopment
es little or no detail, or irrelevant specifics
“~« serious and frequent errors in sentence structure or usage
“ne serious problems with focus
1 An essay at this level
®s may be ineoherent
® may be undeveloped
®> may contain severe and persistent writing errors Detta’s Key To THE TOEFL® Test 509
Trang 84.7 SCORING ESSAYS
0 An essay will be rated 0 if it
“~s contains no response
°~< merely copies the topic
Sa ig off-topic, is written in a foreign language, or consists only of keystroke characters With your classmates and teacher, discuss the above scoring criteria Discuss the meanings of any
unfamiliar words
Ye PRACTICE
Exercise 4.7.A
Read the following essay question and five essays Score each essay on a scale of | to 6, according to the
TOEFL scoring criteria on page 509 With your classmates and teacher, discuss why you scored each essay
as you did Then read the explanations on page 512
It has recently been announced that a new hospital may be built in your city
Some people think that your neighborhood would be a good place to locate the
hospital Compare the advantages and disadvantages of locating the hospital in
your neighborhood Use specific details in your discussion
1 Score
A new hospital may be built in my city, and many people think my neighborhood is the best place to locate the hospital There are some advantages and disadvantages of
locating the hospital here | will compare the two sides and attempt to find a conclusion
First, a new hospital would benefit my neighborhood because there would be many new jobs for people For example, a hospital needs not only doctors and nurses but also
workers in the cafeteria, laundry, offices, janitor, and so on Another advantage is that
hospitals need a quiet area, and it is peaceful here It could stay quiet if a hospital is built
The most important reason is that a new hospital would be more convenient for people who
live in the west side of the city People would not have to drive as far if an emergency would
come This is an important advantage for my neighborhood
However, there are also some disadvantages of this plan First, many trees must be cut to build a hospital Second, the hospital would bring more traffic to this area A hospital
needs a large parking lot and a special emergency road for the ambalances Next, a hospital
must use a lot of water These problems will affect the environment Furthermore, if the
hospital is built here, more development will follow, and this will change the character of the
neighborhood from residential to commercial
Despite the disadvantages, the city is growing very fast, and we need another hospital
to serve people in the western part My neighborhood is an ideal location Therefore, |
recommend that the hospital be built here The hospital will benefit the people who live here,
and the neighborhood will benefit the hospital
510 DELrA'e Key To THE TOEFL® Test
Trang 94.7 SCORING ESSAYS
2 Score
The main idea is advantage and disadvantage of the hospital in my neighborhood |
believe advantage is more important
Advantage is for the sick people They need the hospital for doctors, medicines In
addition, hospital is clean place for the operation and for baby born Also advantage is for
the doctors get a job My father he is doctor He rides train to different city for hospital We
need better hospital closely to here Also sick people they need bigger hospital
Disadvantage is expensive to built We need a lot of money But its very important
have hospital closely the sick people are living Its for AIDS and other disease We need
hospital, so should built hospital in my neighborhood For heip the sick people and
advantage for doctors working We had better to built hospital now
3 Score
My city must decide where to build our new hospital Some people think that my
neighborhood is a good place to locate the hospital However, there are also many
disadvantages which overcome the advantages
My neighborhood has many tall apartment buildings The population is a large number
To locate the hospital in my neighborhood will benefit many people who are living in a crowded
place It is good for people to have an available hospital if they are sick or have an injury
On the contrary, a disadvantage is to locate the hospital there will be very noisy At
present the city has a lot of noise of sirens, but a hospital will increase it because of the
emergency vehicles Another disadvantage is the streets have too many traffic, and it will be
difficult to drive to the hospital quickly
The hospital should be near the university where the medical students are studying
However, this is in a different place in the suburb It is not in my neighborhood in the city |
recommend the new hospital should be built in the suburb because it has more medical
students, better roads, and not many traffic compare with inside the city
4 Score
Every city must have hospitals to assist those who have accidents, diseases, and need
tests and treatment Our city has one old hospitai, which is too small for the city’s population
Therefore, we must plan to build a new hospital, which will be larger than the old one
Although there are disadvantages of locating the hospital, such as expensive, more
crowded and noisy, there are many advantages also We must compare which is the best for
our city
A new hospital has many advantages The hospital provides a service to patients who
need a doctor and treatment The hospital provides researches about illness, such as cancer
and dibetes The hospital provides a job for many nurses and technicals
The new hospital should built in a location which is convenent for most the people who
use it We must seek a best place, which wiil advantage most A new hospital is very expensive;
however, we must have a large hospital, which will provide a service for our citizens
We must examine the advantages and the disadvantages; therefore, we can make a
correct decision where locating the hospital
Trang 104.7 SCORING ESSAYS
5 Score
| think that the hospital must be built my neighborhood It’s a lot of advantages for my
neighborhood
| plan go to medical school for become doctor | can work in the hospital, it’s near my
home, transportation This can be easy for me Doctors like a new hospital is modern, clean My
neighborhood is new part in city, good to build a hospital It’s advantage
] become a doctor | will work very hard to cure people | like to help the people who are ill
For example, children We must get a good hospital, clean, modern It’s to cure the children who
are very poor and ill Many this kinds of problems in my city
Explanation of Essay Scores
512
1 This essay is strong It effectively addresses the task of discussing the advantages and
disadvantages of building the hospital in one’s neighborhood It is well organized, with
transitions providing coherence The thesis is well developed and supported with appropriate
details The writer uses a variety of sentence structures and appropriate word choice Score: 6 ”
This essay shows some competence in writing It shows some organization, but lacks
development For example, there are insufficient details developing the disadvantages Also,
there are several inappropriate word forms, such as closely, to built, and its, as well as an
accumulation of errors in sentence structure Score: 3
This essay is generally well organized and developed The thesis is supported with some details;
however, it lacks the amount of detail, sentence variety, and level of vocabulary expected in a
score 6 essay The essay shows facility in the use of English, although it has a few errors in
sentence structure and word choice Score: 5
This essay shows minimal competence in writing It addresses the task of discussing the
advantages of building a hospital; however, it slights the tasks of discussing the disadvantages
and of addressing the specific neighborhood It also contains some errors that obscure meaning,
such as We must seek a best place, which will advantage most Score: 4
This essay suggests incompetence in writing It is underdeveloped and lacks focus There is little
detail and few specifics There are frequent errors in sentence structure Score: 2
DELTA’S KEY To THE TOEFL® Test