* COVER STO RYBlake Lively Cover: Art Streiber/August Stop sabotaging your career 66 TIME TO SHOW THEM WHAT YOU’VE GOT Anita Chaudhuri explores five common ways you may be scuppering y
Trang 2Experience more on a short break.
hoseasons.co.uk
Bubbling hot tubs | Spa resorts | Romantic escapes
CELEBRATING 75 YEARS
Trang 3* COVER STO RY
Blake Lively
Cover: Art Streiber/August
Stop sabotaging your career
66 TIME TO SHOW THEM WHAT YOU’VE GOT
Anita Chaudhuri explores five common ways you may be scuppering your career, and what you can do about them
72 FREE ‘HOW TO SAY NO AT WORK’ COURSE
Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker issues an exclusive invitation to form your own Life Leap Club, and step into your power
74 ‘MY BOSS GAVE ME CONFIDENCE’
Brave reader Esme Gibbons decidedthat if hermanager believed in her, she should do the same – then she took a life-changing risk
76 WHAT’S REALLY STANDING IN YOUR WAY? Take our insightful test to find out what limiting behaviour is keeping you stuck and how you can finally shine professionally
‘It’s a good day
to be happy!’”
REGULARS
17 * SAY YES TO YOU
Author Debbie Chapman shares the importance of setting boundaries
26 * LOVE YOUR BRILLIANT LIFE
Suzy Bashford has an epiphany and remembers to count her blessings
30 MY LIFE, MY WAY
Love, family and gin… Kate Griffin’s recipe for success and fulfilment
40 SHARED VALUES
The guiding principles andpassions
of bestselling author Kate Mosse
42 MY DOG, MY FRIEND, MY MIRROR
Suzy Walker takes her needy pet to therapy and learns about herself
48 * YOU ARE NOT AN IMPOSTOR UKCP’s Sarah Niblock examines the damaging effects of low self-esteem
Our online coaching club
is free to all subscribers
(see page 80) Access
interactive videos, podcasts
Page 26
Page 20
Page 52 Page
FREEGIFT WORTH
£31.90
Trang 491 THE O PEN MIND
Wellbeing Director-at-Large Eminé Kali Rushton
happens upon the essence of homely comfort
92 ‘ I FELT LIKE A FAILU RE AS A WO MAN ’
Mysterious condition vulvodynia caused misery
forRebecca Pearson, until she was diagnosed
97 ECO WO RRIER
Ellen Tout seeks out consciousmenstrual choices
in her bid to help save our plastic-clogged oceans
9 9 FEEL BE AUTIFU L Prepare your skin for a spring reawakening
10 0 * J OIN O U R MIND FU L HE ALTH CLU B It’s time to create your unique wellness plan:
12 months of beneficial habits to revolutionise
your health with our Editor-at-Large, Ali Roff
103 RE AL N UTRITIO N Our Nutrition Editor, Eve Kalinik, gets to the root
of what’s so wonderful about the humble turnip
APRIL 2019
Contents
50 ‘I DON’T FEEL POSITIVE ABOUT THE FUTURE’
Agony aunt Mary Fenwick assists three readers,
including an overwhelmed mature student
52 * NEGOTIATING DIFFICULT FRIENDSHIPS
‘Ambivalent’ friends can hurt us but, with a shift in
mindset, we can still be pals, says Suzanne Scott
57 ORGASMIC LIFE: BARING ALL
Karla Newbey’s sexual journey continues
5 8 ‘I DON’T TRUST MY OWN OPINIONS’
Award-winning coach Kim Morgan mentors
a woman crippled by indecision and self-doubt
62 * SO… DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?
Straight-talking Oliver Burkeman has the Last
Word on warding off first-date awkwardness
THE RETREAT
10 8 RU NNIN G E VERE ST
Adventurer Alice Morrison signs up for a six-day
ultra marathon on the world’s tallest mountain
1 1 2 WILD LO N D O N
On the trail of animals and art,Danielle Woodward
laps up a few foxy tales along the River Thames
114 LIVE YOUR DREAMS
Let your home tell the unique story of your life
122 BARGAIN DISH OF THE DAY: SELF-LOVE STEW
Delicious recipes that won’t break the bank, in the
inimitable style ofwriter and activist Jack Monroe
WHEN YOU’RE TRYING to create positive change,
it can be challenging to stay on track So, sign up for our
weekly uplifting dose of inspiration, with videos from
top coaches, practical articles on how to thrive, not just
survive, and inspirational and joy-filled quotes to brighten
your inbox, and your week Go to bit.ly/2KN0B8z
Sign up
now!
Get your weekly fi x!
Trang 66 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 9
Kelsey Media, Cudham Tithe Barn,
Berry’s Hill, Cudham, Kent TN16 3AG
(01959 541444, email letters@psychologies.co.uk)
Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark and is published monthly by Kelsey Media 2019 © all
rights reserved Kelsey Media is a trading name of Kelsey Publishing Ltd Reproduction in whole or in part
is forbidden except with permission in writing from the publishers
Note to contributors: articles submitted for consideration by the editor must be the original work of the
author and not previously published Where photographs are included, which are not the property of the
contributor, permission to reproduce them must have been obtained from the owner of the copyright
The Editor cannot guarantee a personal response to all letters and emails received The views expressed
liability for products and services offered by third parties
PRIVACY NOTICE Kelsey Publishing Ltd uses a multi-layered privacy notice, giving you brief details
about how we would like to use your personal information For full details, visit kelsey.co.uk,
or call 01959 543524 If you have any questions, please ask, as submitting your details indicates
your consent, until you choose otherwise, that we and our partners may contact you about products
and services that will be of relevance to you via direct mail,
phone, email or SMS You can opt out at ANY time via
email: data.controller@kelsey.co.uk or 01959 543524.
Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker
Design Director Lynne Lanning
Creative Director Laura Doherty
Features Director Elizabeth Heathcote
Wellbeing Director-at-Large Eminé Kali Rushton
Associate Editors Danielle Woodward, Anita Chaudhuri
Editor-at-Large Ali Roff
Features Writer and Digital Editor Ellen Tout
Production Editor Vee Sey
Deputy Production Editor Leona Gerrard
Contributing Editors Wellness Nicky Clinch, Elizabeth Bennett,
Larah Davies Body Hollie Grant Spirit Annee de Mamiel Mind Suzy Reading
and Will Williams Gut Eve Kalinik Yoga Kat Farrants Nature Paul Rushton
Retreat Caroline Sylger Jones Health Hazel Wallace Digital Katherine Weir
ADVERTISING & PRODUCTION
TigerBee Media, Commercial Director Nikki Peterson (020 3510 0849)
Managing Director Phil Weeden
Chief Executive Steve Wright
Chairman Steve Annetts
Finance Director Joyce Parker-Sarioglu
Publishing Director Kevin McCormick
Retail Distribution Manager Eleanor Brown
Audience Development Manager Andy Cotton
Subscription Marketing Manager Rebecca Gibson
Events Manager Kat Chappell
Publishing Operations Manager Charlotte Whittaker
Senior Print Production Manager Nicola Pollard
Print Production Manager Georgina Harris
Print Production Controller Alicia Stewart
SUBSCRIPTIONS
13 issues of Psychologies are published per annum
O UK annual subscription price: £58.50
O Europe annual subscription price: £72
O USA annual subscription price: £72
O Rest of World annual subscription price: £78
O UK subscription and back issue orderline: 01959 543747
O Overseas subscription orderline: 0044 (0) 1959 543747
O Toll-free USA subscription orderline: 1 888 777 0275
O UK customer service team: 01959 543747; subs@kelsey.co.uk
Find subscription offers on our website: shop.kelsey.co.uk/psy
Manage your subscription online shop.kelsey.co.uk/site/loginForm
DISTRIBUTION & PRINTING
William Gibbons, 28 Planetary Road, Willenhall, Wolverhampton
WV13 3XT; 01902 730011; williamgibbons.co.uk
Seymour Distribution Ltd, 2 East Poultry Avenue, London EC1A 9PT;
020 7429 4000; seymour.co.uk
O U R T E A M
Psychologies is published under licence from Psychologies Magazine France
Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark Copyright ©2002
alexa@ringier.ro) Advertising Manager:
Monica Pop (monica.pop@ringier.ro)
PSYCHOLOGIES RUSSIA
Hearst Shkulev Media, Psychologies Russia,
31 b Shabolovkaya Street, Moscow 115162 Tel: +7 495 981 39 10 President: Viktor Shkulev (vshkulev@hsmedia.ru) Editor-in-Chief: Xsenia Kiseleva (xkiseleva@hsmedia.ru) Publisher and Advertising Manager: Ekatarina Kerova (ekerova@hsmedia.ru)
G L O B A L E D I T I O N S
Meet three of the people who have taken part
in the creation of Psychologies
C O N T R I B U T O R S
Jack MonroeFood writer
A bestselling author, writer, activist and award-winning blogger, Jack is also a well-known campaigner against hunger and poverty in the UK On our food pages this month (from page 122), you can try some
of the delightful recipes from Jack’s new book
Cooking On A Bootstrap (Pan Macmillan, £15.99),
which aims to make preparing something exciting to eat on a budget fun and delicious
Ellen ToutJournalist
Ellen is Psychologies’ Digital Editor and Features
Writer She now also writes our new Eco Worrier column ‘For a while, I’ve been trying to fi nd more environmentally friendly ways of living, but it can often feel overwhelming or unattainable,’ she says
‘In my column, I’ll explore small, realistic steps that we can all make to create change together.’
Follow Ellen’s journey throughout the year – this month, she tests eco sanitary wear See page 97.
Suzy BashfordWriter
Suzy is a writer, mum and outdoors enthusiast who, three years ago, moved to her dream location of the Scottish Highlands in pursuit
of a new family lifestyle She spends her time there writing, running (on trails and after kids), mountain biking and dipping in lochs Her feature explores how, when you’ve achieved your dreams, you can prevent them from becoming run-of-the-mill See page 26
WANT MORE INSPIRATION, PERSONALITY TESTS AND INVITATIONS TO LIFE-CHANGING
Get your weekly fi x!
Groupe Psychologies, 2-8 rue Gaston-Rébuffat, 75019 Paris, France Tel: 01 44 65 58 00
Trang 7We’re here to support you
Psychologies is not just a magazine, it’s a resource for wisdom,
inspiration and learning new life skills Read our pages and join our kind, online community of subscribers in the Life Leap Club
This month, top coach Louise Rodgers runs a great free course,
‘How to say no at work and still thrive’ We also encourage you to create face-to-face clubs (page 72) and, this issue, we’re focusing on career, and how we may be sabotaging our success.
It’s easy to dismiss the good stuff and see only the negative
Suzy Bashford steps off the ‘hedonic treadmill’ of wanting more to appreciate what she has on page 26 That might include a diffi cult friendship: Suzanne Scott writes about her ambivalent friend (page 52) and deals with how she feels without losing her mate If you’re looking for love, Oliver Burkeman has some unusual tips for a great fi rst date (page 62) And, if you want a new relationship with yourself, commit to our Mindful Health Club on page 100 – our exciting new project with Ali Roff , who will help you create mindful habits and revolutionise your wellbeing
Whatever your focus – career, friendship, love or health – we are right by your side.
Next month, we invite you to stop struggling and get back into the fl ow
Plus, how to be happier in a job you don’t love – and create a life you really do.
Suzy Walker
Editor-in-Chief, with Oscar the office dog
E D I T O R ’ S L E T T E R
EVENTS? SIGN UP FOR OUR FREE NEWSLETTER – DELIVERED DIRECTLY TO YOUR INBOX! GO TO bit.ly/2KN0B8z
Whatever area of your life needs attention, you are not alone Join the ‘Psychologies’
Life Leap Club, free to all our subscribers, and be part of a groundbreaking community
This month, take the leap to a better life and we’ll send you a Weleda Lemon Aid duo, and the very warmest
of welcomes See page 80.
Your tribe awaits!
FREE
£31.90
Trang 8OPEN HEART, OPEN MIND
I just finished reading Eminé’s ‘The Open Mind’
column entitled ‘Let the heart lead’ (January) It
is simply beautiful I think I have hardened my heart over the
years so that I can be stronger and tougher As I read more of
the column, I found that listening and opening up our hearts
takes courage but can be very rewarding I had several teary
moments when I reconnected with my heart It is not always
easy, but it is truly worth it to genuinely feel.Kartina
Viewpoint
Send your letters to letters@psychologies.co.uk
and tell us what you love about our magazine
You could win a six-month subscription, plus
access to our Life Leap Club!
Share with us…
Share your photos and comments on Instagram @psychologiesmagazine,
or tweet us @PsychologiesMag both using #PsychologiesMagazine
@SuzyReading:
Thank you @PsychologiesMag
for today’s dose of #selfcare
One of my fave tips here Hope
it serves you well.
@fejrobinson:
Absolutely thrilled to have a
podcast out in collaboration
with @PsychologiesMag and
@UKCP_Updates.
.
@DavidPearlHere:
One of our #inspirational strangers
The brilliant Suzy Walker,
Editor-in-Chief @PsychologiesMag says:
‘Wanderful: Sat-Nav For The Soul is
an essential, playful guide to help
you discover your true path in life’.
Star
letter
8 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 9
WANT MORE INSPIRATION, PERSONALITY TESTS AND INVITATIONS TO LIFE-CHANGING
Get your weekly fi x!
@shropshiresbm:
Find time to be creative I’ve added some inspiring new
Psychologies #quotes
to my #visionboard.
@Imalisonjulie:
So excited to start using my new
@psychologiesmagazine is supporting @redjanuaryuk
by getting active every day
to support our mental health.
Trang 9Completely inspired and buzzing this morning After a quick walk up the lane,
I was able to capture the morning sunlight catching the cobwebs on a branch Now I’m heading to a great local creative writing workshop I love stretching my mind and stepping out of my comfort zone
Juliet Thomas @soothedbynature
POSITIVE CHANGE
I love your magazine I have suff ered with anxiety
for several years and am now recovering from
depression A way out seemed impossible, but
reading your magazine makes me feel so determined,
motivated and inspired I love the articles about how
others have made their lives positive and exciting
and I take a lot of pleasure in the new recipes,
recommendations and advice, too
I highly recommend reading it Cosying up with
Psychologies and a mug of hot chocolate gives me
such comfort Thank you so much Sarah
PHOTO COMPETITION
This month’s gratitude letter, star letter and chosen photo win a six-month subscription
to Psychologies worth
£25.80, plus access to our Life Leap Club!
Send your letters to letters@psychologies.co.ukKim
WOULD YOU LIKE to showcase your photographic
talent in ‘Psychologies’? What moment has made you
feel inspired, grateful or moved this month? Capture
it and tell us why We’ll print the winner, plus you’ll
receive a six-month subscription, and access to our
Life Leap Club! Share your photo with us and explain
its inspiration on Instagram @psychologiesmagazine
with the hashtag #PsychologiesPhoto or email
to letters@psychologies.co.uk.
Letter of gratitude
The winner
EVENTS? SIGN UP FOR OUR FREE NEWSLETTER – DELIVERED DIRECTLY TO YOUR INBOX! GO TO bit.ly/2KN0B8z
I’d like to thank…
You have been through many hardships in your life, yet you always maintain a positive outlook and true courage and determination
Now, with limited mobility and hearing, and deteriorating eyesight, you still wear a big smile on your face You are patient, kind and always make time for others
You taught me the importance of a positive mindset, the power of resilience and a true appreciation for family and friends These are values I live by as a mum, wife and life coach You instilled the importance of always seeing the good
in people and taught me that the glass is half full
I remember as a young girl sharing my dreams and aspirations with you You told
me not to let anyone hold me back When
I experience challenging times, I think of you
You really are my true inspiration and I feel
so lucky and honoured to have you in my life
Trang 10For more information and to register online:
www.dream-challenges.com
Lace up your hiking boots and get ready for the best trek you’ve
ever-est been on! Join us as we trek through literally breath-taking
panoramas to the incredible Mount Everest Base Camp.
01590 646410 email: events@dream-challenges.com
Mount Everest
Base Camp Trek
22 Oct - 7 Nov 2020
Trang 11Veerle Helsen wanted to jump off the treadmill and into the unknown Her leap took her to the coasts of Spain and
Portugal ‘Imagine this: you’re sitting on a beach in the middle of nowhere, your campervan facing the sea,’ she says
‘Portuguese tunes are blaring out as you tuck into a glass of vinho verde Welcome to dreamland I inhabited it for
six months.’ Follow her journey @veerlehelsen and in the book Surf And Stay (Lannoo Publishers, £24.64).
other states, other lives, other souls
EDITED BY ELLEN TOUT
Trang 1218- TO 35-YEAR-OLDS SAY THEY ARE LIKELY TO LEAVE THEIR JOBS TO GO TRAVELLING WITHIN THE
The Fix
Thought-provoking culture, creative ideas, insightful science and inspiring gifts
Author David Hamilton is an advocate
of kindness Here, he explains why compassion is innate in people
Join ‘Psychologies’ kindness tsar David Hamilton live on Facebook
@Psychologiesmagazine for his free 30-day kindness challenge every month,
next on 5 March at 1pm For access to more like this, join the ‘Psychologies’ Life
Leap coaching club, free when you subscribe to the magazine ‘The Five Side
Eff ects Of Kindness’ by David Hamilton (Hay House, £10.99) is out now
WE ARE GENETICALLY
WIRED to be kind to each
other It’s common to
imagine that so-called
‘selfi sh’ genes mean that
we are a selfi sh species,
but the word ‘selfi sh’ merely
refers to the process of
genetic replication; it is not
a description of our nature
as human beings.
On the other hand, we
do have kindness genes
– genes that predispose
us to be kind to one another
They are some of the oldest
in the human genome,
coming in at around
500 million years old.
In a detailed study, *
researchers analysed variations of the kindness gene (known as the oxytocin receptor gene) in volunteers – think of gene variations like diff erent shades of one colour – and found that their tendency for kindness was related to which variation, or shade, of the gene they had, thus demonstrating that we really are all born to be kind Gene genie!
THE KINDNESS GENE
JOIN OUR CLUB! WE’VE LAUNCHED A WORLD-CLASS ONLINE COACHING CLUB – AND MEMBERSHIP
‘Be Kind’ print,
£20, notonthe
OUR KINDNESS PROJECT
UNITED, WE STAND
Are you thinking about how you can make
a difference on International Women’s Day
on 8 March? A study† found women are more likely than men to participate in charitable acts Rosa, the UK fund for women and girls, hopes to alter thinking around charity and wants the act of giving
to reflect solidarity among women Leading the way is Emma Watson, who donated £1m
to Rosa’s anti-harassment campaign, the
Washbag, £15, notonthehighstreet.com
Trang 13Water bottle, £15,
paperchase.com
Capture today
Culture
IT’S THE AGE of the image – roughly 95 million
photographs and videos are shared on Instagram
every day But how can we move on from happy
snaps and ‘likes’ to mindful pictures? Ruth Davey
is a mindfulness expert and founder of Look Again
‘The core to mindful photography lies in the key
attitudes of mindfulness,’ she believes ‘Channel
curiosity, beginner’s mind, non-striving, non-judging,
acceptance, patience, trust, gratitude, letting go
and having fun… It is not about taking perfect
photographs, it’s about consciously feeling and
experiencing the process of receiving and creating
photographs in the present moment.’
Davey has partnered with Canon for a mindful photography project, creating inspiring images like
the one pictured, to guide us all to slow down, fi nd a
new perspective and rethink the selfi e look-again.org
IS FREE TO ALL SUBSCRIBERS LEAP INTO A BETTER LIFE AT PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/LIFE-LEAP-CLUB-NEW-SUBSCRIBERS
Trang 14OF PEOPLE USE MESSAGING APPS
TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEIR
CO-WORKERS THESE DAYS
BUT ONE IN FIVE PEOPLE SAY THEIR COLLEAGUES
HAVE USED THE APPS TO BULLY
WE LOVE
‘Melmoth’ by Sarah Perry
Years ago, Helen Franklin did
something for which she cannot
forgive herself – and has spent
every day since barricading
herself against its memory But her
sheltered life is about to change.
A strange manuscript comes into
her possession, recording sightings
of a woman in black, Melmoth, who
beguiles the guilty and lures them
into a lifetime of wandering beside
her Everyone Melmoth seeks out
must make a choice: to live with what
they have done or be led into darkness.
An exquisitely written book, read
by Emilia Fox, which asks profound
questions about mercy and redemption.
‘Melmoth’ is available for £14.99;
free to members
or with a 30-day Audible trial
Are you getting out of bed on the wrong side more than you would like? This may be because our stress response is greater in the morning
Our body’s production of the stress hormone, cortisol, is naturally higher earlier in the day, making us more susceptible A study* explored this, noting that people who were giving a high- pressure presentation released far more cortisol when it was first thing in the morning This is perhaps why morning meditation is so beneficial.
WANT MORE INSPIRATION, PERSONALITY TESTS AND INVITATIONS TO LIFE-CHANGING
Get your weekly fi x!
14 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 9
90 %
Robot alarm clock, £4,
flyingtiger.com
Trang 15THE DEBUT PRODUCTION of National
Film and Television School graduate
James Gardner, Jellyfi sh has already been
picking up awards – particularly for its
lead, Liv Hill Set in the town of Margate
on the Kent coast, Jellyfi sh follows young
carer Sarah (Hill) as she discovers her
unexpected gift for stand-up comedy.
But her story is not that simple, it’s
threaded with confl ict and the harsh
challenges of her situation Struggling to
pay the family’s rent, keep up with school
and support her siblings and mother
(Sinead Matthews), Sarah is forced to the
edge of her resources Her drama teacher (Cyril Nri) is one of Sarah’s few champions, urging her to push beyond the expected and create a diff erent future As her love of comedy grows and a showcase performance draws near, the delicate balance in her life becomes increasingly diffi cult to maintain
She’s left with a choice: plod on with her engulfi ng responsibilities or use them to drive her forward and create rich comedy.
Sarah’s story is emotive, gripping and raw It’s on the big screen but is a poignant narrative that could – and does – so often
play out for families across the country ET
Directed by James Gardner
A HEART FREE
TO FLY
Join Emma Stroud live on Facebook
@Psychologiesmagazine every month, next on 25 March at 1pm For more like this, join the ‘Psychologies’ Life Leap club, free when you subscribe to the magazine Listen to the ‘Psychologies’ Podcast Channel on iTunes, TuneIn and SoundCloud for lessons in love
LEAP INTO LAUGHTER
Emma Stroud, our clown-in-residence, celebrates romantic love
AS A CLOWN, part of my job is
to observe what works and why
it works The relationships that strike me as successful are those
in which each individual still takes care of themselves within the relationship, while also making time for each other away from the pressures of life (date nights!) Take it from this clown: give yourself and your partner permission to have fun, chat and stay connected, and your relationship will continue to soar
Jumper, £55,
monsoon.co.uk
EVENTS? SIGN UP FOR OUR FREE NEWSLETTER – DELIVERED DIRECTLY TO YOUR INBOX! GO TO bit.ly/2KN0B8z
Trang 1615% off offer is valid until 31/05/2019 or while stocks last See website for full Terms &
Conditions Learn more about mushrooms & Food Based at www.linknutrition.com
At Link Nutrition, we believe that what is left
out is as important as what goes in Instead of
filling our capsules with inactive ingredients,
we add mushrooms for an extra health boost.
Mushrooms are high in polysaccharides,
enzymes, and protein-bound polysaccharides
(including the highly regarded beta-D-glucans).
15% off your first order
Use code:
PS15M
Link Nutrition’s
turmeric-enhanced Mushroom Plus
complex combines four types
of adaptogenic mushrooms; cordyceps, lion’s mane, reishi & chaga.
BOOSTED WITH THE POWER OF MUSHROOMS
Trang 17ow often do you say yes to extra tasks
at work, or to invitations to events you don’t want to attend? Every yes
we don’t mean can lead to resentment,
poor-quality work, stress, exhaustion and even failure
What are your priorities? Your family,
partner, work, friends, fitness, mental health, you
– what comes first? When faced with a decision,
ask yourself: Do I have the time? Do I want to do
it? Will it benefit me? Will I feel bitterness when
doing it? Will it cause me extra stress? If I say yes,
will I be looking to make excuses at a later date?
Say no to FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out)
by limiting your social media, and instead focus on
your own life without any need to share it with the
world Schedule activities you love, surround
yourself with friends who make you feel great
about yourself and take some time out for solitude
Spend time with people who lift you up,
and don’t drag you down If you dread seeing
a particular person, start saying no to their
invitations See how much happier you feel
Set boundaries to nurture your
mental health. In order to feel good, how
many evenings a week do you need to spend at
home? Give yourself permission to say no Your
time is precious You can decide how you spend it
‘The Joy Of No’ by Debbie Chapman (Summersdale,
it can lead to a happier
and calmer life
Trang 18A CURRENT ACCOUNT THAT’S
ALL ABOUT POSITIVE
EVERYDAY BANKING THAT DOES
EXTRAORDINARY THINGS
FOR PEOPLE AND PLANET.
THE TRIODOS CURRENT ACCOUNT
• ETHICAL BANKING
• ECO-FRIENDLY DEBIT CARD
• ONLINE & MOBILE
Trang 19have to go back to a particular place, any
interaction with my parents would send
me straight into teenage mode I would
stop listening to what they had to say
and feel my frustration rising In return,
they’d feel lost; not yet used to a world
where their child is an adult, wanting to
celebrate it, but also terrified of losing
the hold that parenthood gave them In
short, none of us were ready to grow up
This isn’t to say that we didn’t try,
but somehow we lost the understanding
that perhaps comes from spending
more time together Over the years,
our relationship went from teenage
temper tantrums to a formal,
walking-on-eggshells situation where everyone
worried about saying the wrong
thing and turning the clock back
to adolescence When I noticed this,
I began to wonder if the answer
to a better relationship with my
parents didn’t come from asking
them to alter their behaviour, but
from changing mine and seeing
what happened from there
We’re used to working on our
relationships when it comes to friends
or romantic partners, but we tend to
take the relationship with our parents
for granted; we know that whatever our
behaviour, they’re required to forgive
us, so we push boundaries But if the relationship with our parents could start afresh, what would we want from
it and how would that influence our behaviour? When I asked myself these questions, I was surprised at how far
I was from the way I wanted to be with my parents We could have talked about it, but it’s difficult to discuss a damaged relationship without one side blaming the other Instead, I committed
to approaching them with an energy of love and gratitude – simply by changing myself, I shifted all our dynamics
Of course, the key is boundaries – something parents notoriously struggle with; after all, it’s been their job for years to breach your boundaries
to keep you safe, so it can be hard for them to let go of that I think, for my parents, it started to feel as though I’d made them redundant, that if I didn’t need them to solve my problems, then what was their role in my life?
The solution, inevitably, was time
Partly giving everyone time to adjust, but also giving them my time, the way
I would to a friend We went out for meals, I taught them how to use WhatsApp and the power of sending a quick text message, and they stopped saying, ‘We didn’t want to disturb you when you were busy.’ We treated our relationship as something new and delicate, watering the roots of our family tree and seeing it blossom
Harriet Minter frees herself from the parent-teen regression trap and uncovers some surprising results along the way
W
Who is going to
be the grown-up?
For weekly wisdom from Harriet, sign up for her newsletter at tinyletter.com/harrietminter
Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @harrietminter
self
Trang 21“You can make your
own luck, even when
life throws roadblocks
in your way”
Actress Blake Lively talks about being a shy teenager, how
she built her confidence through acting, and her new film,
The Rhythm Section, in which she plays an ex-heroin addict
PHOTOGRAPH ART STREIBER/AUGUST
interview
On the surface, Blake Lively has it all
Happily married to Canadian actor
Ryan Reynolds and mother of James,
four, and Inez, two, she enjoys the
kind of life that comes with being a talented and
successful actress But, growing up in California
in a family of entertainers, Lively was a tall,
gangly and awkward teenager whose insecurities
were a constant source of anguish for her
‘I was pretty shy growing up,’ Lively admits ‘I
had problems with some of the other girls in high
school and, because I was tall, I felt insecure
about standing out in a crowd when I really just
wanted to disappear and be alone I was kind of
withdrawn and I spent a lot of time by myself,
lost in my own thoughts.’
But it was acting that built her confidence ‘It
wasn’t until I began taking acting classes that
I was able to overcome my shyness in social
situations When I was 15 or 16, I started becoming
much more outgoing and enthusiastic with people; I had spent so much time being this strange introvert but, deep down, I was longing
to have fun and be expressive.’
It was only a few years later that Lively would burst onto the scene with her role as Upper East Side princess Serena van der Woodsen in the TV
series Gossip Girl Today, she’s enjoying life with Rey nolds of Deadpool fame W hile he has
reinvigorated his career with the billion-dollar
‘anti-superhero’ franchise, she has maintained
a steady workload while raising their children
Some of her recent films include last summer’s
A Simple Favor, a mystery thriller co-starring Anna Kendrick; The Shallows, in which she plays a
desperate surfer trying to survive a shark attack;
and drama The Age Of Adaline.
Lively’s new film, however, the action thriller The Rhythm Section, marks a distinctive change
of pace for the actress, who plays a former >>>
Blake Lively
Trang 22“I get to project myself into these dark spaces and indulge in heavy psychological states That’s what
I love about acting”
heroin addict, Stephanie Patrick, who transforms her life
pursuing the people who orchestrated the plane crash
that killed her family
Shot mostly in Dublin and Madrid, the highly anticipated
film, directed by Reed Morano (The Handmaid’s Tale),
co-stars Jude Law ‘I did ride-alongs with police on drug
busts and spent a lot of time walking through alleyways
talking to addicts, some of whom were just teenagers,’
explains Lively about her preparation for the role ‘It was
the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.’
For the past four years, Lively and Reynolds have chosen
to live far away from Holly wood in the quiet town
of Bedford in upstate New York with their daughters
[James is named after Reynolds’ late father] They also
hope to expand their family in the coming years: ‘I’m one
of fi ve kids; Ryan’s one of four – so we’re offi cially breeders!’
In the meantime, the couple have opted to pursue their
acting careers with as much passion as ever, staggering
their work schedules and accompanying each other on set
with the children in tow ‘We decided that we wouldn’t be
separated as a family, so we just make a home for our kids
in whichever place we happen to be fi lming,’ she says
Lively recently revealed that long before they became
romantically involved, she sensed there was something
special about her relationship with Reynolds ‘I knew he’d
be my best friend for my whole life That was the biggest
thing for me I’d never known anything like the friendship
I had with him I liked him as much as I came to love him.’
The interview
You seem to have a pretty positive
personality Is that your nature?
I get that from my mother She would
always tell me and my sister: ‘Where
there’s a will, there’s a way.’ That
serves as my personal mantra when
things get complicated in life and you
want to feel sorry for yourself I try not
to let myself go there because it
doesn’t do you any good, and that’s the
time when you need to energise
yourself even more, rather than mope
around I’m usually in pretty good
spirits and I like to think I bring a
positive mood to people around me
Even though you have confessed
to being shy and awkward as a
young person, did you have an
upbeat perspective on things, even back then?
Even as a little girl, I would think, ‘It’s a good day to
be happy!’ That kind of feeling and thinking has stayed with me my entire life and I hope I never lose it
If you have self-confidence and a strong sense of determination, then good things are going to happen
to you You can make your own luck, even when life throws roadblocks in your way
Do you fi nd yourself becoming more confi dent with age, success, and the life you’ve made as a wife and mother?Confi dence is a strange thing sometimes I was lucky that
I grew up in a secure home environment with a family
that was very supportive and loving Then, as a young adult when you’re living on your own and making your way in life, you can lose that confi dence, especially in this business where the media often tries to bring you down and some people take pleasure in criticising your work So, that makes you question yourself; a lot of self-doubt started to creep into my head, even though I was on a successful TV series I went through so much soul-searching and it took me several years
to regain my confidence But I also think so much of that just has to do with struggling to figure out who you are, especially in your 20s
Have you overcome your tendency towards shyness in social occasions?
I am much less inhibited and more open with people than I was when
interview
Blake Lively stars in the new driven international espionage thriller
female-The Rhythm Section, a contemporary
adaptation of the fi rst of British thriller writer Mark Burnell’s series
of four novels Heroine Stephanie Patrick (Lively) is on a path of self-destruction after the death
of her family in a plane crash, a
fl ight that she was meant to be on
After discovering that the disaster was not an accident, her anger awakens a new sense of purpose and she rises to uncover the truth by adopting the identity of an assassin
to track down those responsible The new, and lethal, Patrick is on a mission
to fi ll the void between what she knows and what she is told.
‘THE RHYTHM SECTION’
Trang 23Lively portrays Stephanie Patrick in upcoming
espionage thriller The Rhythm Section
In Oliver Stone’s crime drama Savages,
co-starring Benicio Del Toro and Salma Hayek
As Emily, a mum who goes missing in
A Simple Favor, opposite Henry Golding
Playing gutsy surfer Nancy Adams, who fi ghts
for her life after a shark attack in The Shallows
I was younger Acting did that for me… But I’m still
slow to make friends I’m not the type of person who
meets someone and, after a few minutes, I want to
exchange phone numbers It takes me some time to feel
comfortable with someone
How do you feel about performing in films with dark
storylines – the violent Savages [directed by Oliver Stone]
and your troubled character in The Rhythm Section?
I get to project myself into all these dark spaces and indulge
in a lot of heavy psychological states That’s what I love
about acting It helps me to understand myself better and
not just stay in my comfortable little world I’m a pretty
happy person but it’s much more interesting to play
tormented women who have to struggle in life I feel that
every time I finish a film I’ve become a stronger person
and that pushing yourself to the maximum leaves you
feeling much more confi dent and less fearful
Apart from work, you’ve continued to indulge in your
passion for cooking over the years… [Lively worked as
a pastry chef at the celebrated Per Se restaurant in New York on her 23rd birthday and Reynolds often makes reference to his wife’s prowess in the kitchen.]
I like to tell people that I’m really a cook by nature and
an actress by accident! I feel that I have a natural gift for cooking I can get incredibly passionate about coming
up with interesting dishes and learning how to prepare food and create diff erent fl avours and tastes I love to cook for my friends and I can spend hours in my kitchen trying out various ideas and learning to concoct meals with attention to detail and taste
Are you enjoying married life?
It’s been wonderful Ryan and I like doing everything together He loves helping me choose things for the house, he’s interested in all types of cuisine, and he says he loves everything I cook for him – he’s such a good liar!
We help each other when we’re preparing our characters for a new fi lm, too It’s great to be partners like that with someone you love
‘The Rhythm Section’ is out in UK cinemas on 22 February
With Ryan Reynolds
at the premiere of
A Simple Favor
in New York
Trang 25good thoughts
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
“ THE EARTH LAUGHS
IN FLOWERS ”
Trang 27learned about the hedonic treadmill, and how to get off it
L iving in the Highlands has
always been my dream A few
years ago, I made it a reality,
packing up my commuter-belt life to
head for the hills and a freer, more fun
family existence
As the removal van pulled into our
new driveway, in our new village
enveloped by pine forests, my heart felt
so full of gratitude I thought it might
burst It felt intuitively ‘right’, like
no other decision I had ever made
With childlike glee, I placed our
belongings lovingly in their new home
I kept stopping to savour the view from
the many windows scattered around the
light and airy modern house I did a jig
in my walk-in wardrobe I stood in
the shower, fully clothed, eager to
experience an en suite of my own – all
the time bathing in the sound of my two
boys whooping for joy outside in our
‘epic’ (their description) garden It was
so different from the dark, cramped,
and slightly crumbly cottage we’d come
from I remember vowing: ‘I am never
going to take this for granted.’
Fast forward three years and it’s alarming how quickly I’ve come to accept my Highland life as no longer
‘dreamlike’, but normal Expected
Of course, I can rationally list all the things for which I am grateful – but
I no longer feel that thankfulness in my bones, the way I did at the beginning
(Apart from the breathtaking mountain views, that is, which I think will always stop me in my tracks – although some locals have become accustomed to them, apparently.) The material and lifestyle changes we made have slipped casually into being my new normal and
I simply don’t have the same appreciation for them – and that bothers me
Consciously trying to recreate thefeeling of gratitude through journalling and meditation hasn’t worked And the chaotic state of my once pristine >>>
Trang 28walk-in wardrobe and en-suite
bathroom tell their own story about
how much care and acknowledgment
I show them these days
Yes, I won – now what?
I was relieved to discover, while
listening to psychologist Sasha Heinz
on the ‘Unmistakable Creative’
podcast, that it’s not just me, or a sign
that I’m a spoilt brat who doesn’t
realise how good she has it Apparently,
it’s a well-known psychological
phenomenon called ‘hedonic
adaptation’: the theory that humans
tend to have a ‘set’ level of happiness,
or unhappiness, which they return to
regardless of major life events, good
or bad It’s the reason why, say
researchers, lottery winners are
often no happier a couple of years
after their big win
To combat hedonic adaptation
in relation to where you live, Heinz
suggests ‘being deliberate about your
experiences and making sure you do
things that are awesome’; and also
‘purposefully staying in places that
aren’t as nice, fancy or high brow’
‘Actively do things that challenge your
“new normal”,’ she says, suggesting
camping as an example ‘Go without
and you’ll quickly appreciate your
home comforts.’
I can see how this could work for
some people but, in my Highland life,
where wild camping is a ‘normal’
weekend, social activity, it doesn’t create the kind of change of perspective required to jolt me into genuine gratitude
But, thinking about her theory,
I realised there was something I had done recently that had really unsettled me, in a good way I’d had to
go to London for work and wanted
to stay centrally and, since I was on
a tight budget, I’d booked into a dormitory in a youth hostel As
a professional woman of 41, I thought this might be frowned upon I even remember flushing when I booked it online, worried about what others might think of me if they knew, especially some of my wealthier friends, for whom seeking out the perfect hotel is a hobby
However, looking back, I realised I’d loved staying in the hostel – as well as being enjoyable in unexpected ways, it afforded me an experience very different from my normal life
I’d returned home with a spring in
my step, excited to jump back into my real life with a new perspective of it
I got back onto Hostelworld and booked another stay and, this time,
I decided I would be more mindful about how I approached the venture
I knew I would enjoy the novelty, and the freedom of not having children
to worry about but, rather than allow myself to be irritated by the
discomforts and inconveniences
of a hostel, and grudgingly accept them merely as a by-product of saving money, I deliberately used them to reset my ‘normal’ bar
Seeing is believing
Waiting in the queue for the bathroom, only to eventually be greeted by sodden shower mats and strangers’ hair, became a much more visceral, real gratitude practice for
my own private, clean bathroom at home than journalling had proved
Same with the incessant noise, the
melee of people constantly in your personal space and snoring dorm-mates For some, who were staying in the hostel long term as a cheap way to live in London, this is everyday life But I knew I would soon be back in
my Highland home, and I felt excited about that moment It was a powerful reminder of how blessed I am
I desperately used to desire these things, too I was reminded how, at one point, I had no confidence that these events would happen and how elated I would have been if a fairy godmother had swooped down and reassured me that my dreams would come true Again, that blessed feeling.Arriving home to Scotland and
my family, I felt buoyed by how this temporary life swap had filled me with more than just tokenistic gratitude This time, opening my journal, the words flowed out about
my hostel experience and all the things it made me appreciate afresh According to Kitty Waters, transformational teacher and host
of the weekly ‘Kitty Talks’ podcast,
“ While I live in a truly unmaterialistic community, my
Facebook feed isn’t, and I’d been spending more time online Was that fuelling
Trang 29gratitude is at the top of the
emotional vibrational scale, which
means it’s one of the best ways to
guard against getting caught up in
the comparison of the hedonic
treadmill, because it shifts us from
‘low-level jealousy to high-level
thanks’ Another way is to be careful
about ‘who you hang around with
and the community you spend time
in’, she says ‘If you’re around really
materialistic people, it will rub off.’
This struck a chord because, while
I live in a truly unmaterialistic
community, my Facebook feed isn’t
and, recently, I’d been spending more
time online Could that be fuelling
my dissatisfaction? ‘Yes!’ says Waters
emphatically Her hunch is backed up
by yet more research confirming that too much social media makes us unhappy A recent study, published
in the Journal Of Social And Clinical Psychology, tracked participants who
intentionally reduced their usage to see the impact it would have What did researchers conclude? Our smartphones are making us depressed, as well as lonely Their recommendation? To reduce screen time to 10 minutes a day per platform
A daily dose of joy
At first, when I attempted to cut down on my social-media use, I had
a fear of missing out on what was happening, but that passed and, very soon, I was thinking less about other
people’s lives – and became less conscious of the things I didn’t have
I also had more time, and found myself savouring the small pleasures
of life – like walking my dogs – rather than rushing them, or breaking away from them to use my phone These little sources of happiness, says Waters, are key ‘On a daily basis, do one thing that brings you joy Become conscious of things that bring you pleasure, not things that look good
on Instagram Incorporate them into your life Passion and joy are like gratitude – high-level emotions – and they are the fastest way off the low-level hedonic comparison mill.’
O Inhale deeply through your nose
O Exhale slowly, making a bumblebee, humming sound Mmm…
O Repeat five times
breathpod.me
Trang 3030 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 9
my life, my way
Trang 31Inspired by her mum’s recipe and a yearning for creativity and balance, Kate Griffin handcrafts natural gins and spirits
“ I’m astounded by the support people have shown me ”
WORDS ELLEN TOUT PHOTOGR APHS LEANNE BR ACEY
Trang 32ABOVE AND RIGHT Production, events, retail and admin all take place at Kate’s
‘gin palace’ in Hampshire BELOW With the help of
a local interior designer, Kate honed her vision with bespoke furniture, paint and accessories
32 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 9
my life, my way
‘I’d still be thinking about
it and the ways it wouldn’t
work, but my husband
encouraged me to take the
leap He believed in me”
Trang 33or 10 years, Kate Griffin taught English in a
secondary school ‘I never imagined I’d end up
manufacturing gin!’ she says ‘I loved teaching;
when I walked into the classroom, I knew what I was doing
But, to the children, you’re not a real person, just a teacher
Now, however, my work is quite personal.’ Despite the
difference in ‘clientele’, Kate’s teaching skills come in handy
‘As a teacher, you’re used to putting on an act to become what
you need to be in that moment That experience helps me in
situations where I don’t feel confident, like approaching pubs
or restaurants to ask them to sell my gin,’ she explains
Kate was familiar with small-scale gin production and had
an understanding of the process, with childhood memories of
her mother making sloe gin ‘I use the same methods as my
mum to create my infusions,’ she says It was after Kate’s
daughter was born with a cleft lip and palate that Kate began
to struggle balancing work and caring for her children, Thomas,
eight, and Alice, now five, and wondered whether a new career
could be the answer to a healthier work-life balance
‘My husband, Matthew, has a business mind and, although
he doesn’t drink spirits, he suggested I set up a distillery I thought he was joking!’ says Kate His encouragement was the catalyst for Kate launching Wessex Spirits two years ago ‘I’d still be thinking about it and all the ways it wouldn’t work, but Matthew encouraged me to take the leap He believed in me, would always be honest with me and kept saying, “Just do it!”’
Start small, dream big
Before moving to Kate’s ‘gin palace’, production took place in her grandad’s annex ‘At first, it wasn’t scary because I had very few overheads I didn’t really think it through, it just happened
It felt more scary as it became real Now, I feel terrified at times,’ she laughs As demand grew and Kate occupied more
of her grandad’s space, she realised the business would need
a larger base ‘I looked at lots of places but had no plans for a tasting room or shop; it was just going to be production facilities When I moved into our new premises, the space felt enormous, so I created multifunctional rooms.’ >>>
Trang 3434 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 9
As well as providing stock for an online store, craft fairs and
farm shops, the new premises in Andover, Hampshire, allowed
Kate to connect with customers and host intimate tasting
experiences and parties ‘People buy my gin because of the
story behind it,’ she says ‘When I see someone take a bottle
off the shelf, I still find it amazing.’
Kate handcrafts each stage of the process ‘I tell people that
every bottle sold makes a real difference to me – and I think
they like being part of that Most days, I get a batch on early in
the morning, then take the kids to school before coming back
to the shop to do admin In the afternoons, I filter, bottle and
label the gin,’ she says ‘There’s no machinery, I do it all – I stick
on every label and seal bottles by hand I even do deliveries
It’s so rewarding, especially when someone says they like it.’
The joy of freedom
Although Kate has help with marketing and says finance
is her weak point, she enjoys having ownership of each
phase ‘I like the fact that I do everything, and it’s varied
I’m learning all the time I love that I can plan my day
and have the flexibility to do what I want, when I want.’
Kate has always enjoyed being creative ‘When I was a child,
I made all sorts of things, but I stopped when I grew up I enjoy the process of making something from start to finish.’ Her first product was Test Valley Gin, for which her mum still grows the basil and thyme Then she developed different infusions, working with a local chef to source home-grown ingredients
‘I work with all-natural herb infusions and don’t use sugar
or flavourings,’ she says ‘The best bit is when I’m trying new flavours I often make it up as I go along, and it’s trial and error I’ll have stacks of jars all over my kitchen and experiment with timings and quantities to see what works Then I can upscale my recipe to bigger batches.’
Working naturally means each brew is slightly different
‘This can be tricky,’ says Kate ‘The colour of the gin, for example, is not consistent, but I think that’s rather nice The herbs are always fresh so, in hot weather, the gin is darker and, in the cold weather, it’s lighter.’
But did she expect her product to be so popular, despite the craft gin trend? ‘It’s taken me a while to get to this stage,’ says Kate ‘There’s was a point when I thought I wanted to sell the business and go back to teaching, but now I feel so lucky to be
>>>
LEFT Each gin is herb-infused and naturally produced This makes the taste more subtle and aromatic than popular high-street brands
“I feel so lucky I can’t imagine
going back to the nine-to-five
I can wear my slippers to work!”
Trang 35able to do this I can’t imagine going back to the nine-to-five
I had a revelation the other day – that I can wear my slippers
to work! It’s silly but that felt quite symbolic.’
Camaraderie and connection
‘I think my biggest hurdle has been fear – doing something
completely different and out of my comfort zone It’s been
a process of working it out, muddling through and having to
learn to ask for help,’ says Kate She hopes to be more selective
with time management, in order to create harmony with
her family life ‘I’m working on time blocking, because it can
often feel like I’m flying around all over the place I can’t always
spend as much time as I feel I should on the business, but my
goal is to make it work around my family Flexibility is crucial,
so I can manage my daughter’s hospital visits and care.’
Kate is grateful for the encouragement she has received
from her community ‘I’ve been overwhelmed by the support
people have given me I’ve really benefited from it I’m
astounded at what people will do for each other I had no idea!’
she says ‘My products are locally focused, and I enjoy working
with nearby businesses There’s been nothing but support,
even from other gin makers, and I was truly surprised by that.’Neighbours also mucked in with the shop’s design and DIY makeover and photography ‘Interior designer, Stephanie Briggs, from La Di Da Interiors, offered me her help when
I moved into the shop and said to give her a shout at any time People always say that, but she actually meant it!’ says Kate
‘Steph helped me create vision boards and mood boards, and then made bespoke paint for the walls and furniture; she really went over and above what I expected.’
What does the future hold? Kate is excited about the upcoming launch of her rum brand ‘The gin craze is amazing, and I’ve been incredibly lucky, but I don’t want to have all my eggs in one basket I think rum is on its way!’ Her new creation
is inspired by the colourful history of Cornish pirates and smugglers ‘It’s blended, spiced and salted with Cornish sea salt It’s called Resting Place Rum; a “resting place” is where smugglers’ boats would lie in wait for the rising tide, so they could bring their goodies to shore I enjoy experimenting, and thinking about the potential of my business.’
For more, see wessexspirits.co.uk and @testvalleygin on Facebook and
Instagram Visit Wessex Spirits, 4 Dene Road, Andover, Hampshire SP10 2AA
my life, my way
LEFT Sociable Kate enjoys connecting with customers for gin-tasting experiences and says she ‘reads the room’, because every group and event is unique BELOW Kate is hands-on for all phases of production
“There’s no machinery,
I do it all – I stick on
every label and seal
bottles by hand I even
do deliveries It ’s
so rewarding”
Trang 3636 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E A P R I L 2 0 1 9
Do you fi nd relationships tricky to navigate? No matter how well things are going in other areas of our lives, when a relationship is turbulent, it can throw everything else off course Here, coach Angharad Boyson focuses on a friendship with negative eff ects
Coach yourself to
better relationships
BAREFOOT COACHING
Psychologies’ partnership
with Barefoot Coaching
gives you the tools to find a coach
who meets your needs Barefoot
Coaching has been at the
forefront of coaching and coach
training for 25 years It has a
proven track record as a provider
of high-level coaching and coach
training to organisations and senior executives, nationally and internationally
Train as a coach with Barefoot Coaching
The Barefoot Coaching International Coach Federation- accredited
Postgraduate Certificate
in Business and Personal Coaching is one of the most well-established coach training courses in the UK Barefoot runs regular, free introductions to coach training throughout the year Visit barefootcoaching.
co.uk/taster-morning to book.
Q My friend is terribly competitive She compares everyone, commenting on where our friends are in life, who’s bought a new house, been to a fancy restaurant
or doing well at work I fi nd myself getting sucked in and feel like I have
to keep up It’s making me unhappy and I’m not sure how to deal with it
Can you help me? Fran, 30
A When issues like this crop up, it’s easy to lose sight of what you like about the relationship.
OAsk yourself: what joy does she
bring to your life? Can you focus on that and shift topics to those areas when she strays into the comparison
and competition you struggle with? OIf you’re struggling to identify the
positives that she brings to your life, perhaps you’re ready to let her go Some friendships have a lifespan – it’s OK to see that and move on OIf you want her in your life, give
yourself permission not to compete There are a couple of strategies that may help you achieve this How would it feel if you didn’t participate
in comparison? How would it feel
if you said outright: ‘I don’t enjoy competing with others like this?’ ODoes your friend realise that
she is competitive? She might not recognise that she is doing it or she might know it, and would like to stop It’s easy to get into bad habits and not know how to change A gentle discussion may be as useful for her
as it is for you Be brave and open.
Listen to the podcast:
Our monthly podcast
g and Suzy Walker discussing coaching dilemmas is on the ‘Psychologies’ Podcast Channel on iTunes and SoundCloud
ASK THE EXPERT…
Angharad Boyson specialises in helping people live
‘fearlessly, with passion, purpose and balance’ She assists a reader struggling with a challenging friend
The endorsed ‘Find
‘Psychologies’-a co‘Psychologies’-ach’ directory, with Barefoot Coaching, provides readers
with a choice of top coaches, all
with postgraduate training and
accredited by the University of
Chester and the International
Coach Federation Find a coach
who suits you, to help you navigate
and transform your life – in the
areas of money, work, relationships,
parenting and leadership.
Editor-in-Chief
Trang 37in partnership with Barefoot Coaching
Cut out this page and put it somewhere visible Use the wheel of life, a classic coaching tool, to
put your relationships into the spotlight The wheel allows you to focus on improving one segment
of your life at a time, while giving you an overall picture of all the parts that comprise a happy life
The wheel of life
This month, we’re focusing
on positive relationships
O If you are dealing with a difficult
relationship, write down your definition
of a healthy relationship Think about
what the relationship in question means
to you Concentrate on how your life
weighs up in this area, and give it a score
– with 1 being awful and 10 being great.
O Brainstorm with someone you trust or hire a coach to figure out ways you can improve the score by 3 over four weeks.
O Break it down into baby steps What would be a positive step to improve the score by 1? What do you need: tools to help you deal with the situation, or time devoted to self-love and confidence?
O What would improve the way you feel
about this relationship by 1 point? And another? Do you need to set boundaries, take a step back or have a tough conversation What action can you take? Could you alter your perspective?
O Every month, we’ll address different segments of the wheel – but feel free to work on all parts at the same time Refer
to it frequently to track your progress
Rate how satisfied
you feel with your
FRIENDS
WELLBEING ADVENTURE
Trang 38Watch Facebook Live sessions with top experts, listen to podcasts and, for
life-changing coaching, sign up to our Life Leap Club, free to all subscribers
Mary Fenwick, our agony
aunt, answers your most
pressing questions live.
21 February at 7pm
Life coach, author, speaker
and podcaster Blaire
Palmer shares fi ve
surprising and universal
lessons she learned while
travelling around Europe
with her family.
26 February at 1pm
Respected expert Pete Cohen
coaches you on all things
career related, to help you
get ahead at work.
1 March at 1pm
Salma Shah on how to
consciously manage your
career by building a bullet-
proof personal brand.
5 March at 1pm
David Hamilton on how
kindness can boost your
confi dence He will also
discuss ways in which
kindness can create a feeling
of connectedness, which can aid self-esteem.
12 March at 1pm
What are your dreams and desires? Are you caught
in a cycle of ‘shoulds’?
Lucy Griffi ths helps you
to connect with what you really want in life
12 March at 7pm
Alice Morrison, Psychologies
in-house adventurer, is nearly
at the end of her epic Indiana Jones adventure for girls, trekking 1,100km on foot along the Draa River in Morocco, with camels, to investigate the eff ects of desertifi cation on one of the oldest inhabited areas of the planet Listen
to her daily musings.
13 March at 7pm
Tiu de Haan has designed experiential workshops for the likes of the UN, Google and L’Oreal, bringing the art of creating moments
of meaning through ritual
to the workplace She will show you simple, powerful tools to help you reconnect with your purpose at work – one small step at a time
Listen to the Psychologies Podcast Channel on iTunes, TuneIn and SoundCloud
Released on 19 February
O Anita Chaudhuri, Psychologies
Associate Editor, talks to Kathryn
Sollmann, author of Ambition Redefi ned
(Hodder & Stoughton, £18.99), who has reassuring advice about how
to tailor success for your own life
UKCP TALKING THERAPIES PODCAST
in the workplace Considering that – due to their lack of representation
in senior management – some women may fi nd it diffi cult to thrive in a working environment, Lebentz will explore how psychotherapy may help, and what women can do to blossom and be the best they can be at work.
psychologies.co.uk/ beliefs-podcast-ukcp
Trang 39how-deal-limiting-diary
Trang 40INTERVIEW ANNA BEHRMANN
Kate Mosse
The novelist and founder-director of the Women’s Prize for Fiction talks about finding inspiration in the landscape, and how women were written out of history
Landscape is the most important character in my novels
When I was a child, I would walk with my parents on the
Fishbourne marshes in Sussex, and I later walked there with
my own children Both there, and in the ancient woodlands
of south-west France, I feel as if I can hear the echoes of
all the people who’ve walked those paths before me and those
who will tread in the same footsteps long after I’m gone
For me, the truth of our shared past is held within the land,
the skyscape and the mountains It links us emotionally to the
people of 19th-century Sussex, or 16th-century Carcassonne
The human heart does not change so very much
A parent at any given point in history will grieve just
as much for a lost child Fiction is about celebrating our
shared humanity If you can stand in the shoes of a girl from
the 16th century and feel you know her, then you can stand
in the shoes of a boy on the other side of the world today
I grew up in a house where people were always coming
and going My parents both worked and did a great deal
of voluntary work in the community, but still made all of
our childhood friends welcome When they died, on both
occasions the church was filled with people remembering
the cup of tea that my mum had made them, or when my dad
picked them up when they got stuck in the middle of nowhere
My parents taught me that if opportunities come
your way, you should make the most of them, but
also to use your voice to speak for others It’s the
regular things that make a difference, such as putting
something in the food bank every time you go shopping
We launched the Women’s Prize for Fiction in 1996
to celebrate and honour women’s voices Our aim
was to put exceptional fiction by women into the hands
of both men and women who would appreciate it It’s
interesting that, even after 23 successful years, I am
still asked why it’s needed It’s the idea that women have
to continue justifying their place at the table
The world seems less kind, less tolerant, less respectful
of difference at the moment That’s why it’s so vital to keep
celebrating excellence and female voices People need positivity and to hear wonderful women’s stories from all over the world
All the heroes in my novels are women There were purposeful and powerful women in all periods of history, but ordinary women are too often left out
of the history books When the Wars of Religion finally started in 1562, France had been at war, on and off, for
a generation So, who do we imagine were opening the shops, or gathering wood for the fire when the men were away? Once we accept that history is written about a tiny proportion of society and also written with an agenda,
we can see the past more clearly
As a novelist, I’m a sprinter When I’m writing a first draft, I work eight to 10 hours a day, seven days a week I start writing at about four in the morning and
have a couple of very strong black coffees with sugar
If I get a few hours under my belt before anyone else
in the house wakes up, I know that the day will go well
My aunt was one of the founders of the Movement for the Ordination of Women in the Church of England
Her ordination in Chelmsford Cathedral, after many years
of campaigning, was an amazing and moving occasion There were eight women being ordained that day The bishop said: ‘Between them, these women have hundreds
of years of service to the church.’ Making sure that everybody’s voices are heard, that everyone can contribute
in the way they want to, benefits us all in the long run
Kate Mosse’s new novel, ‘The Burning Chambers’ (Mantle, £8.99) – the first in
a quartet set against the backdrop of the Wars of Religion, covering 300 years and following two families, one Catholic and one Huguenot – is out on 7 March PH