IT training psychologies UK TruePDF spring 2019

S P R I N G 2 0 1 9 PSYC H O LO G I ES M AGA Z I N E 3* COVER STORY Keira Knightley Cover: Maarten de Boer/ The Licensing Project Simplify your life 64 * THE DOSSIER 66 THE EASY LIFE SP

Transform yourself: Join our Mindful Health Club U K E D I T I O N

YOU CAN DO IT!

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S P R I N G 2 0 1 9 PSYC H O LO G I ES M AGA Z I N E 3

* COVER STORY

Keira Knightley

Cover: Maarten de Boer/

The Licensing Project

Simplify your life

64 * THE DOSSIER

66 THE EASY LIFE SPRING CLEAN Anita Chaudhuri explores the latest psychological insights to find practical,

uncomplicated tools for a streamlined life

72 FREE ‘GO SLOW’ COURSE Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker issues an

invitation to launch your own Life Leap Club,

and find a simpler way of living together

74 ‘EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE IS BETTER’

A few easy strategies at home and work ensure businesswoman Claire Hurst achieves the order and calm she needs

76 WHAT’S STOPPING YOU?

If you yearn for a smoother road, but feel overwhelmed, take our test to find out what

type of thinking causes all that chaos

130 * HAPPINESS BOOK CLUB

“I love a challenge

If I don’t get out

of my comfort zone, I get bored”

to the heart of her blended family

28 MY LIFE, MY WAY Physicist Melanie Windridge feeds

her need for adventure on Everest

38 * STOP TRYING SO HARD

Instead of slaving away resentfully,

Heidi Scrimgeour pleases herself

44 SHARED VALUES The principles andpassions of

activist and author Rose McGowan

50 * ‘HELP ME WITH MY TEENAGER’

Agony aunt Mary Fenwick assists

three readers with dilemmas

Our online coaching club

is free to all subscribers

(see page 80) Access

interactive videos, podcasts

Page 38

Page 20

Page 130 Page

FREE

GIFT WORTH

£37!

96 * JOIN OUR MINDFUL HEALTH CLUB Develop habits to revolutionise your vitality in our new series with Editor-at-Large Ali Roff, who savours the benefits of intuitive eating this month

99 REAL NUTRITION Our Nutrition Editor, Eve Kalinik, takes a tea break for a good old-fashioned cuppa – and a biccie!

SPRING 2019

Contents

52 TO HEAVEN AND BACK

People who have had a near-death experience

say it changed them Jini Reddy looks for answers

57 ORGASMIC LIFE: EMBRACING YOUNG ME

Karla Newbey’s sexual journey continues

58 * ‘OUR OFFICE DYNAMIC IS TOXIC’

Award-winning coach Kim Morgan helpsa

struggling manager deal with workplace conflict

Suzy Walker begins a life-changing experiment in

search of a calmer life First up, her phone addiction

62 IT’S JUST A JOB!

Analytical straight talker Oliver Burkeman has the

Last Word on being happier in work you don’t love

THE RETREAT

104 HEAL ME , MOTHER GREECE

In need of serenity and reflection, Suzy Walker

and Caroline Sylger Jones take time out in the sun

108 ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN

Vee Sey and her daughter explore the lore and

have a bonding experience inItaly’s Sarntal Alps

110 A COLOURFUL CONCOCTION

Treat your rooms like recipes, with vivid elements

fusing with love for a soulful and harmonious result

120 HEALTHY EVERYDAY PASTA

Delicious lighter versions of classic dishes from

food stylist and writer Julia Azzarello

WHEN YOU’RE TRYING to create positive change,

it can be challenging to stay on track So, sign up for our

weekly uplifting dose of inspiration, with videos from

top coaches, practical articles on how to thrive, not just

survive, and inspirational and joy-filled quotes to brighten

your inbox, and your week Go to bit.ly/2KN0B8z

Sign up

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G L O B A L E D I T I O N S

Meet three of the people who have taken part

in the creation of Psychologies

of meaning that connect us to ourselves, each other and our creativity Join Tiu for live videos

on Facebook @Psychologiesmagazine, next on

10 April at 7pm

Ali Roff

Journalist and mindfulness teacher-in-training

Ali is Psychologies’ Editor-at-Large and has

launched our year-long Mindful Health Club – a revolutionary life hack that uses your mind to create a healthier body ‘Mindfulness

is a powerful tool to enable us to become more aware of our habitual behaviour, which empowers us to make conscious change in our lives – without deprivation or punishment.’

See page 96 for Ali’s second instalment.

Jini Reddy

Author, journalist and consultant

Author of the award-winning Wild Times

(Bradt Travel Guides, £14.99), Jini is writing a new book, exploring the magical in the landscape This month, she writes about an unusual near-death experience ‘Attending a workshop using virtual reality to explore near-death experiences was fascinating in every way,’ she says ‘It has also, crucially, left me feeling less fearful of death and more optimistic about life.’ Read why on page 52

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Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark and is published monthly by Kelsey Media 2019 © all

rights reserved Kelsey Media is a trading name of Kelsey Publishing Ltd Reproduction in whole or in part

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Contributing Editors Wellness Nicky Clinch, Elizabeth Bennett,

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Be a hero in your own life

We explore heroes and inspiration in this issue ‘Ultimately, people need to r ealise that they can be brave; that they don’t need a hero, they can be their own hero,’ says Rose McGowan,

activist and author of Brave, on page 44 Keira Knightley riff s

on the same theme (page 20), urging us to fi nd women to look

up to: ‘Women need female heroes – it’s vital that girls learn in school about the contributions women have made in history.’

Be inspired by environmentalist and physicist, Melanie Windridge, our brilliant ‘My life, my way’ subject, who says

of conquering Everest (page 28): ‘I like to challenge myself… to walk in the footsteps of explorers, of people who did the impossible.’

What do you need to do to be a hero in your life? What ‘impossible’ challenge calls you? Why not enter our competition on page 116, learn to dive with PADI on a retreat worth £3,000 – and maybe swim with sharks or turtles before the year is out?

But maybe you need to create space for adventure Our Dossier (page 64) helps you simplify your life – plus sign up for our free ‘Go slow’

course, for greater productivity, health and happiness, with top coach Simon Hague.

new-subscribers

co.uk/life-leap-club-Let’s do it together FREEGIFT WORTH

£37!

NEW HORIZONS

As a new reader of Psychologies, I was pleasantly

surprised by the uplifting content, which is often missing in other magazines I found the Dossier

in the February issue, focusing on being brave, particularly inspiring I have always dreamed of working in a creative profession, but self-doubt has prevented me from pursuing it

I’ve recently left my well-established career

in pursuit of greater fulfi lment but have still been questioning whether I have what it takes

to succeed Having read your articles, I now feel reassured that my feelings of fear are perfectly normal, and I feel more energised

and prepared to fully embrace change Rachel

Viewpoint

Send your letters to letters@psychologies.co.uk and tell us what you love about our

magazine You could win a six-month subscription, plus access to our new Life Leap Club!

Share with us…

Share your photos and comments on Instagram @psychologiesmagazine,

or tweet us @PsychologiesMag both using #PsychologiesMagazine

@agnes_hall: I have just

fi nished reading the @walkamileuk

article in @PsychologiesMag

and it made me smile so much

There’s always hope of fi nding

good people in the most unknown

corners, isn’t there?

@button03_4

After a week in bed with the fl u, I am

catching up on some reading and

making notes for the year with my

@PsychologiesMag.

@amiecrewscoach:

‘Let’s go upstairs and get dressed,’

I say ‘But I’m just reading this

@PsychologiesMag,’ my

three-year-old responds!

Star letter

8 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E S P R I N G 2 0 1 9

WANT MORE INSPIRATION, PERSONALITY TESTS AND INVITATIONS TO LIFE-CHANGING

Get your weekly fi x!

@nicolacook74:

I just love sitting down with my new

@psychologiesmagazine, turmeric tea and inspiring messages Create your own happy tribe.

@mi_healy:

Love is a lie-in and

a cup of tea in bed with time to read my fave @psychologies magazine.

@alli2409:

That time of the month when my favourite magazine comes out

No kids, a bit of me time

to sit down and breathe.

S P R I N G 2 0 1 9 P S Y C H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 9

I took this picture on a skiing trip to La Plagne, France Parts of 2018 were tough with family illnesses, work stress and job uncertainties

Arriving in the Alps and spending a week in the mountains with clean air, beautiful scenery and time with great friends and my partner was good for the soul Mountains inspire

me and give me perspective – time in nature

always heals Georgina

CHANCE ENCOUNTERS

I was in a hotel in 2005 when a stranger sat down

at a table and pulled out a magazine She was so engrossed and couldn’t take her eyes away I sat nearby and glanced over to catch the cover of the

magazine: Psychologies, it read Later, I popped out

to a buy a copy and spent the evening reading it I was absolutely amazed At the time, I was in an abusive relationship All the advice and features made me into the strong and positive person that I am today Thank

you stranger, and thank you Psychologies Helen

PHOTO COMPETITION

This month’s gratitude letter, star letter and chosen photo win a six-month subscription

to Psychologies worth

£25.80, plus access to our Life Leap Club!

Send your letters to letters@psychologies.co.uk

My litt le sis te r, Yas min

WOULD YOU LIKE to showcase your photographic talent in ‘Psychologies’? What moment has made you feel inspired, grateful or moved this month? Capture

it and tell us why We’ll print the winner, plus you’ll receive a six-month subscription, and access to our Life Leap Club! Share your photo with us and explain its inspiration on Instagram @psychologiesmagazine with the hashtag #PsychologiesPhoto or email letters@psychologies.co.uk.

WOULD YOU LIKE to showcase your photographic

Letter of gratitude

The winner

WANT MORE INSPIRATION, PERSONALITY TESTS AND INVITATIONS TO LIFE-CHANGING EVENTS? SIGN UP FOR OUR FREE NEWSLETTER – DELIVERED DIRECTLY TO YOUR INBOX! GO TO bit.ly/2KN0B8z

I’d like to thank…

Who knew we’d only have 20 years together?

I remember the day you were born I was 12 and, as a teenager, I thought a new baby would be so annoying When you turned one, you became more interesting At two, I was besotted with your gorgeous giggle At seven, you coined a new nickname for me, ‘Aisha Pizza’, after my favourite food As the older sister, I wrote your essays, took you to nice places, gave you lectures and shared wisdom

When you were 10, we spoke about the day you’d turn 18 We did so much counting In the end, you were taken from us at the young age

of 20 Even still, I wouldn’t change it

Thank you for those precious years You’ve taught me not to count months and years, but to live in the moment If I could have any other sister for a lifetime or you for those

20, I’d choose you every time

Cycle 300km along the beautiful Dalmatian Coast in Croatia

and raise funds to support those affected by breast,

cervical and ovarian cancers.

www.dream-challenges.com

t: 01590 646410 e: events@dream-challenges.com For more information and to register online:

To take part you need to pay a registration fee of £149 and raise minimum sponsorship funds of £1,850.

Registered Charity Nos: Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust: 1133542/SC041236, Ovarian Cancer Action: 1109743/SC043478, Breast Cancer Care:

1017658/SC038104 From 1 April 2019 Breast Cancer Care will merge with Breast Cancer Now after that date all donations will go to

Breast Cancer Care and Breast Cancer Now a charity registered in England and Wales (No 1160558) and Scotland (SC045584).

Women V Cancer is established under Giving Works Registered Charity No 1078770.

er

wo me n

Dream Challenges

The Fix

S P R I N G 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O L O G I E S M AG A Z I N E 11

News I Reviews I Books I Film I Art I Ideas

There Are Girls Like Lions is a new

illustrated poetry anthology about being a woman ‘This is a collection that erodes stereotypes,’ says poet and editor Cole Swensen

‘Poetry is unique in the arts in making voice literal – we speak out, we have our say No one of these voices speaks for everyone, but through them, we all have a voice.’ Read their voices, and fi nd yours too, in the new book.

‘There are Girls Like Lions: Poems About Being A Woman’, illustrated by Karolin Schnoor (Chronicle Books, £11.99)

““ Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

MARY OLIVER ”EDITED BY ELLEN TOUT

OF REGULAR CAMPERS SAY

A BREAK UNDER CANVAS MAKES THEM HAPPIER AND

80 PER CENT OF THEIR KIDS BELIEVE IT MAKES THEIR

HAPPY CAMPERS INDEED!

The Fix

Thought-provoking culture, creative ideas, insightful science and inspiring gifts

Author David Hamilton is an

advocate of kindness Here, he

explains why he’s happy to be kind

Join ‘Psychologies’ kindness tsar David Hamilton live on Facebook

@Psychologiesmagazine for his free 30-day kindness challenge every month,

next on 1 April at 1pm For access to more like this, join the ‘Psychologies’ Life

Leap coaching club, free when you subscribe to the magazine ‘The Five Side

Eff ects Of Kindness’ by David Hamilton (Hay House, £10.99) is out now

KINDNESS IS LIKE a pill

that makes us feel better,

and there’s evidence

for kindness having

antidepressant eff ects

Studies of large numbers

of people who take part

in volunteer work have

found much lower rates

our happiness levels.

A study * at the University

of California compared

people who performed fi ve acts of kindness per week

to people not doing so

Happiness was measured

at the beginning and again after six weeks Those who performed the acts of kindness became happier

Those who didn’t, saw no boost And the greatest gains in happiness came when the volunteers did the fi ve acts of kindness

on the same day

It just goes to show that simple, daily acts of kindness can work wellbeing wonders.

of slumber A rocking bed also triggered more ‘sleep spindles’ – bursts of brain activity that help prevent us from waking and aid in the consolidation of memories.

Hammock, £157,

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Joy to the world

Culture

WHAT DOES JOY MEAN TO YOU? Bruce Velick

is a gallery curator and created the new book Joy!

(Chronicle Books, £10.99) as an exhibition of images

of life’s happiest moments, captured by photographers across the globe from the 1920s to the present It’s

an uplifting collection that documents everyday moments you can’t help but smile at – such as this picture by Chris Minihane of a Masai warrior enjoying

a sunset ride home over the Ngong Hills in Kenya

Joy! includes beautiful snaps of everything from a

dog playing on a beach, to people dancing in the rain

or revelling in the ecstasy of a fairground ride

‘We may not know how to defi ne joy, but we know it when we see it,’ says professor of psychology Robert Emmons ‘Velick exquisitely captures this emotion throughout this beautiful and elevating book – a collection of joyful images depicting joy in lived lives.’

TIME TO EAT A SANDWICH!

IS FREE TO ALL SUBSCRIBERS LEAP INTO A BETTER LIFE AT PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/LIFE-LEAP-CLUB-NEW-SUBSCRIBERS

OF PEOPLE AGREE THAT A GOOD MORNING ROUTINE CAN LEAD TO A MORE SUCCESSFUL AND PRODUCTIVE DAY, BUT 46 PER CENT SAY THE EARLY HOURS ARE A TIME WHEN THEY

WE LOVE

‘Bookworm’

by Lucy Mangan

When Lucy Mangan was little,

stories were everything They

opened up new worlds from

Narnia to Kirrin Island and

Wonderland, casting light on all

the complexities she encountered

in this one In Bookworm, Mangan

revisits her childhood reading with

wit, love and gratitude She relives

our best-beloved books and their

extraordinary creators, and looks at

the subtle ways they shape our lives

Beautifully narrated, Bookworm brings

the favourite characters of our collective

childhoods back to life and brilliantly

uses them to tell her own story.

‘Bookworm’ is available for £14.99;

free to members

or with a 30-day Audible trial

Walking a dog helps us feel positive and energised,

according to 96 per cent of people surveyed But sadly,

research shows only 42 per cent of the nation’s

dogs are walked daily, with the average outing

lasting just 20 minutes The study* marks

the launch of Forthglade’s The

Great Dog Walk Challenge, which

aims to highlight the mutual benefits

and inspire us all to ‘rediscover

the joy in walking’ Join the

challenge at forthglade.com.

WANT MORE INSPIRATION, PERSONALITY TESTS AND INVITATIONS TO LIFE-CHANGING

Get your weekly fi x!

14 P SYC H O L O G I E S M AG A Z I N E S P R I N G 2 0 1 9

Dog bookends,

£25, tch.net

THIS UPLIFTING, WARM AND HEARTFELT

comedy is based on the remarkable true

story of an a cappella group of sea

shanty-singing fi shermen from Port Isaac, in

Cornwall, who performed in pubs to raise

money for charity and got their big break

when a radio DJ heard them sing and

introduced them to his manager, who got

them a £1m contract with Universal Music

The fi lm tells it slightly diff erently:

Daniel Mays plays a disillusioned city

music executive who fi nds himself in

a Cornish village on a stag do and, in a

prank by his boss, attempts to sign the

group, led by Jim (James Purefoy) But,

as he gets to know the fi shermen, their families and community – and falls for B&B owner and single mum Alwyn (Tuppence Middleton) – he decides

to get them a record deal for real

With a backdrop of beautiful coastal scenes, pretty harbours and winding 17th-century lanes, it has a big feel-good factor The fi lm tells an engaging and emotive tale of history and community, love and loss, with a soundtrack of uplifting traditional folk songs that will have you

smiling and singing along with them DW

Directed by Chris Foggin

FINDING SIMPLICITY

Join bananas clown-in-residence Emma Stroud live on Facebook

@Psychologiesmagazine every month, next on 23 April at 1pm For more like this, join the ‘Psychologies’ Life Leap club, free when you subscribe to the

magazine Read our Dossier about

an easier, slower life on page 64

LEAP INTO LAUGHTER

Emma Stroud, our clown-in-residence, takes a quiet look within

AS A CLOWN on the go, I often

fi nd myself travelling A few weeks ago, my phone decided that it had had enough It no longer wanted to provide me with brilliant distractions! I was left bereft for a few moments, until I realised I had a pen and paper I took a breath and started

to write It was one of those magical moments when I was

in fl ow and my new show started

to emerge with a clarity I’d been desperately searching for in far louder and busier places This was the best reminder for

me to turn off , sit, breathe and allow Who knows what your inner wisdom will say to you…

Glitter notebook, £3,

paperchase.com

EVENTS? SIGN UP FOR OUR FREE NEWSLETTER – DELIVERED DIRECTLY TO YOUR INBOX! GO TO bit.ly/2KN0B8z

International bestselling author, Buddhist monk and teacher

Haemin Sunim shares his observations on living a fulfilling life

HOW TO …

Succeed and be content

1Do not beg for the attention

of other people As you

discover and develop your unique

strengths and talents, people will

automatically pay you attention

2If we see a person who is

passionate about their

work, we naturally feel drawn

to them We can’t take our eyes

off them Passion is contagious

3Do not be afraid of

making mistakes,only

of not learning from them

4If life was free of adversity,

we wouldn’t have opportunities

to grow It’s in struggling to solve life’s challenges that talent is honed and endurance built

5The more we mature, the

more we see how others have contributed to our successes When

we express our gratitude for that, the next success will follow

6 When you finally achieve

something you’ve wanted

for a long time, it seems like you’ll

be happy forever, but waves

of despondency flood in, and success gives way to a backlash you never anticipated Instead

of postponing happiness until you have achieved your goal, live

a little and enjoy the moment

7 The opposite of greed

is not abstinence but knowing how to be content

‘Love For Imperfect Things: How

To Accept Yourself In A World Striving For Perfection’ by Haemin Sunim (Penguin, £9.99) is out now

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‘Psychologies’ readers will receive an exclusive 15% off when they use the code ‘TRY15’

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boss was born in the 1990s but, the reality is, it’s when

your friends start telling you they have cancer I know,

I wish that wasn’t how it happens either

Of course, it’s not the first time someone in my

life has had that stilted ‘I’ve had some bad news’

conversation with me But, for the first time, it is

neither people so much older than me that I saw

death as inevitable for them, nor is it something

that everyone refers to under their breath as a

‘tragedy’ Instead, it is simply a fact of life

Last year, two of my friends were diagnosed with

cancer When the first one told me, I cried I still feel as

though, in that moment, I let her down and, from then

on, I decided that would be the last time I’d cry in front

of her I was going to do my best to be strong for her

Along the way, this is what I learned about supporting a

friend through illness: Firstly, there is no right or wrong

way – you can only do your best But you also realise that

when we say they’re ‘fighting for their life’, what we really

mean is that they’re fighting for the everyday, normal

things that we all take for granted They’re fighting for

Sunday lunch with their loved ones and weekend trips

to the seaside Yes, they’re going through treatment for

cancer but that doesn’t mean they want to focus only on

that My friend and I used to run once a week, mainly so

we could go for a coffee and croissant afterwards When

the running became too much, we still went for coffee

Rather than big Saturday nights out, we had big Saturday

nights in when it didn’t matter if she fell asleep on the

sofa at 9pm Life as usual became the goal

I also learned that nobody required me to be

After hearing some devastating news, Harriet Minter considers how

to make the most of the here and now with the people she loves

T

No time like the present

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superwoman I desperately wanted to fix this for my friends but there was nothing I could do Thankfully, they were both much smarter than me and didn’t expect me

to provide solutions, they just wanted me to be there for them This, it turns out, is still pretty hard You feel completely useless and so the easy option is to slowly fade out of their lives but, really, all that’s required from you is

to keep turning up Call them on a Wednesday afternoon for a chat Pick them up from the hospital once or twice,

so they don’t have to get the bus home Just be there

And, finally, use this as a lesson in how to be truly present with your friends So often when we’re with the people we love, we have half our attention on them and the other half on our own problems But, the truth

is, you don’t know if you’ll have another chance for this topic of conversation You can hope that you might, but there are no certainties with cancer, so really, really engage with them You’ll never regret that

self

“It can make a big

difference if girls

see stories about

extraordinary women”

Award-winning actress Keira Knightley talks about fearlessness,

feminism, her passion for history – and new fi lm The Aftermath

PHOTOGRAPH MAARTEN DE BOER/THE LICENSING PROJECT

interview

A keen student of the past and

historical fi ction, Keira Knightley

has an avowed preference and

enthusiasm for period fi lms In

The Imitation Game, Anna Karenina, A Dangerous

Method and this year’s Colette, Knightley revels

in recreating characters from bygone days

It’s therefore no surprise that she is currently

starring in The Aftermath, a romantic drama

set in Germany after the Second World War

Knightley plays Rachael Morgan, the

unhappy wife of British colonel Lewis

Morgan (Jason Clarke), who is stationed

in Hamburg to oversee the city’s

reconstruction Complications

ensue when her husband allows

the previous owner of their mansion

on the Elbe, a former high-ranking

Wehrmacht offi cer (Alexander

Skarsgård), and his troubled daughter to stay with them,

and Rachael becomes attracted to him

‘I’ve always been drawn to historical fi ction and I love exploring the past,’ says Knightley

of her choice of roles over the years ‘I enjoy relating to the characters in period fi lms and

I have a completely diff erent feeling when I’m reliving another era, as opposed to performing

in projects that tell contemporary stories.’

The actress, who earned Oscar nominations

for Pride & Prejudice and The Imitation Game,

reiterates: ‘I love period fi lms! I always have and, although I’ve gone through times when I felt guilty about starring in too many of them, I now embrace them There’s something about the escapism that makes me want to take on these dramas and I often relate to historical characters far more strongly than others.’

The Aftermath is directed by James Kent

(director of First World War drama Testament Of

Youth) and Ridley Scott is its executive producer

Welsh author Rhidian Brook wrote the screenplay, >>>

S P R I N G 2 0 1 9 PSYC H O LO G I ES M AGA Z I N E 21

Keira Knightley

22 PSYC H O LO G I ES M AGA Z I N E S P R I N G 2 0 1 9

“I’m glad we’re talking about sexual politics…

We need to keep the conversation going and this fire lit”

based on his novel of the same name, recounting his

grandfather Walter Brook’s experience

Knightley is married to musician James Righton,

former keyboardist and frontman of the band Klaxons

They live in London with their daughter, Edie, three

The interview

You are outspoken about the need to find more

women’s stories, especially following your role in

The Imitation Game as mathematician Joan Clarke,

who worked with codebreaker Alan Turing…

Women need female heroes because it’s vital that girls

learn in school about the contributions that women have

made in history Usually, we only hear about male heroes

or great male figures, so women need to learn more about

a remarkable individual like Colette, for example [In

Colette, Knightley plays Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette, a

ghostwriter for her author husband, who fought for

creative ownership of her work, challenging 20th-century

gender norms.] We need to be inspired by her and many

other women whose lives and accomplishments have gone

unrecognised, or not received the attention they deserve

Colette was also open and fearless about relationships

– she lived her life the way she chose and had no shame

about her sexuality She lived unapologetically and I’d like

people to feel empowered after learning more about her

Is it fair to say you have a penchant

for unconventional historical

female characters?

Sometimes those kinds of movies

have been the only ones that offered

me the chance to play strong,

independent women I can’t tell you

how many scripts I’ve read in which

women are subjected to violence or

portrayed as the passive girlfriend

or wife The period films I’ve done

have enabled me to tell stories about

formidable and fascinating women

Do you share the boldness of some

of the women that you portray?

Unfortunately, I tend to be much

more introverted than they are

I think that’s why I’m drawn to

playing women who enjoy being

the centre of attention, because

I’m exactly the opposite in social

situations Acting is my way of indulging in being a more fearless kind of person than in real life although, sometimes, I suppose those personality traits rub off

on you – but they never last, I’m sad to say!

Do you think the rise of the #MeToo movement and the resurgence of feminism will result in more female-led films and the dramatisation of more women’s stories?We’ll have to see but I certainly hope so We’re still in the early stages of this renewed women’s movement but

I think we’ve already started to see more projects getting made which revolve around women and give greater

weight to female characters

With all the discussion about feminism and gender politics going

on now, it’s important that young women get to hear stories about great women and are able to identify with female heroes Men have always been inspired by male heroes in films and I think it can make a big

difference if girls get to see stories about extraordinary women, too.Apart from acting, did you ever have any other career ambitions?

I dreamed of a sports career but there were very few opportunities for girls, except maybe in tennis, which I didn’t like I love football, of course [Knightley’s breakthrough role

was in coming-of-age story Bend It

Like Beckham], and rugby I remember

taking part in an oratory competition

Set in post-war Germany in 1946, Rachael Morgan (Keira Knightley) arrives in the ruins of Hamburg in the bitter winter, to be reunited with her husband Lewis (Jason Clarke),

a British colonel charged with rebuilding the shattered city.

As they set off for their new home, Rachael is stunned to discover that Lewis has made an unexpected decision: they will be sharing the grand house with its previous owner,

a widower (Alexander Skarsgård) and his disturbed daughter In this charged atmosphere, enmity and grief give way to passion and betrayal

The Aftermath is directed by

James Kent, best known for the

award-winning Testament Of Youth.

‘THE AFTERMATH’

Playing mathematician Joan Clarke, opposite

Benedict Cumberbatch, in The Imitation Game

y plays an unhappy wife in The Aftermath

f at the recent Women of the Year Awards

In Bend It Like Beckham with Parminder

Nagra, championing women’s football Anna Karenina, who has a life-changing aff air Knightley as Leo Tolstoy’s Russian aristocrat

in which I spoke about sexism in sport It was my fi rst

feminist speech I fi nished third, which still annoys me!

Are you a competitive person?

I love a good challenge If I don’t get out of my comfort

zone; if a role doesn’t scare me in some way, I get bored

I love doing great dramatic fi lms and I’m fascinated by

darker characters Maybe that’s why comedies aren’t

really me The fi rst time you say a joke, everyone laughs

on the set Then you repeat the line in the next few takes

and nobody laughs, so you haven’t the faintest idea

whether or not you’re doing a good job

Do you and your husband have set child-rearing

responsibilities, especially when you’re fi lming?

We’re both very engaged in the life of our daughter

and, if I’m going to be busy with a fi lm, my husband

takes care of her… When he has to leave for work, I

take over the parental duties I also have a fantastic

nanny who helps me with everything at home and

that makes it much easier for me

You’re working again after a year off to spend more time with your daughter How do you feel about that?

I grew up the daughter of a working mother, and I know how important it was for me and my sense of self to see Mum working I want my daughter to see that I’m doing something I love I want her to know that whatever fi eld she chooses, she can have a child and pursue a career

Did your mother raise you to be independent?

Both my father and mother were activists [Knightley is the daughter of actor Will Knightley and actress-turned-playwright Sharman Macdonald.] My mother raised me

to believe I could do anything in life That’s why I wrote

an essay for Feminists Don’t Wear Pink (And Other Lies)

Every book sale helps fund [United Nations Foundation women’s charity] Girl Up, which promotes female education and leadership I’m glad we’re talking about sexual politics and all the other issues that opens up

We need to keep the conversation going and this fi re lit

‘The Aftermath’ is in UK cinemas now; ‘Feminists Don’t Wear Pink (And Other Lies)’ curated by Scarlett Curtis (Penguin, £12.99)

Knightley plays an unhappy wife in Left, at the recent Women of the Year Awards

interview

24 PSYC H O LO G I ES M AGA Z I N E S P R I N G 2 0 1 9

who had a daughter, she thought she was walking

into a fairy tale Instead, she found herself embarking

on the emotional journey of her life

When I met a clever, kind

handsome man with a beautiful 11-year-old daughter, it seemed like

a dream come true I was 49 years old and

had always wanted children, but that had

never happened for me When he asked me

to marry him on my birthday in Venice,

it was the happiest day of my life At our

wedding, we included a prayer for children

I was determined to be a mother to J I

wanted to fi ll that gap in her life

It had started well J and I had our fi rst

meeting over a litter of puppies at a street

party She loved them I loved them She was

earning points to get a puppy and I suggested to her father that, as she was obviously going to get the puppy anyway, why not let her have it now?

It was the summer holiday and she’d have time

to enjoy it… He wisely gave way J was delighted and associated that happiness with me

I held back initially – it was her pet

But, when the dog started refusing to come back on walks, my husband suggested that we fi nd a way of managing her or look for a new owner I felt as if giving up on the dog would somehow be giving up on my relationship with J I was in a bit of a panic, never having had my own dog , but threw myself into it Compared to people, dogs

are, literally, a walk in the park

You feed them, love them and they

hurl that love back at you to the power

of 10 So far, so good

Then I tried to train J Big mistake

I suggested that she tidy her room,

help with the washing-up and have

her turn to get drinks for the family

My husband’s hackles rose I probably

did it in a tone like my own mother’s;

she was a head teacher and I’dalways

done lots in the house when I was a

child What I failed to get was that J

was already in a set parenting style

My husband, his friends and family

were always telling me that I was the

exact opposite of his first wife She was

a great manager, businesswoman and

homemaker I’m creative, scattered

and impulsive I got depressed

What’s my job?

While I struggled, my husband became

even more protective of J He believed

in giving her a relatively easy life to

compensate, in part, for her losing her

mum He took over both roles – mother

and father But where did that leave me?

I looked for the gaps, to try to win

J’s affection and find my niche in the

family She likes food but is picky I can

cook, so we went through her mother’s

old cookery books in an attempt to find

meals she might like She was polite,

but most of my attempts were flops

If she liked something one week,

she’d be off it the next I suggested

going to have a makeover together and

shopping trips – her response became

increasingly lukewarm It was clear she didn’t want me to try so hard

On our first wedding anniversary,

J gave us a card, then ran off My husband found her hiding, ashamed she’d been disloyal to her mum That first year, I also got a Mother’s Day card

It was utterly unexpected and I was elated It was the only time Another year, there was a Mother’s Day card with a thistle on it knocking around the house Was it for me? If so, why wasn’t anything written in it? Was the thistle symbolic? Had she bought it or had he?

I tied myself in knots I googled ‘stepmum

of child with deceased mother’ – nothing remotely helpful out there

I was overtaken by rages I resented each pile of washing, every bit of tidying

I fuelled my fury with my mother’s words, ‘What am I, the cleaning lady?’

There were other litanies: ‘He treats her like a princess – he butters her toast;

he carries her bags I do everything!’

I slammed around, feeling like Cinderella, ‘Mutter, mutter, feminism!

Mutter, mutter, emotional labour!’

I was convinced it was only a matter

of time before the whole thing split apart I felt like the Greek god Tantalus, sitting in a river surrounded

by unreachable fruit That fruit was the golden father-daughter unit J addressed almost everything she said

to him, as if I wasn’t there As she got older, they started watching gory action movies together I couldn’t help thinking this was a convenient ruse to shut me out, as I hate that kind of film

I took everything personally When my mother-in-law said, unprompted, ‘You are not the outsider, you know,’ I had my

label I was the outsider The real story

was between them – and his late wife

It wasn’t until I realised I was acting

out Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier that

things began to improve I was obsessed with that book as a child And now I was playing the victim second wife, haunted

by a ghost, ranting like Mrs Danvers,

the grief-stricken housekeeper I’ve always been a drama queen I went

to sleep one night realising I’d fallen prey to evil stepmother syndrome

I had to get out of it When I opened

my eyes in the morning, I remembered

a self-help course I’d been on decades ago – ‘Victim, persecutor, rescuer’

Sorrow and expectation

It took an hour to read A Game Free Life

by Stephen Karpman It’s old but gold,

as they say That led to another book,

Bouncing Back, Rewiring Your Brain For Maximum Resilience (New World

Library, £15.99), by Linda Graham

I read it, slowly, and did all the exercises twice I began to deal with my rage and grief compassionately They were clearly just my stuff My father died when I was four and I had a fantasy

of what I thought a family should be Before I met my husband, I’d avoided family situations and my grief about not having my own children Now, I was in the thick of it These were two primal sorrows that were nothing to do with

my marriage or my role as a stepmother

I finally admitted I was jealous I wanted

a child like J to love and be loved by I wanted to be ‘spoiled’ like her I began to listen to my feelings with understanding Once I got the knack of comprehending

my responses, my volatility began to decrease I would retreat into a space

I privately dubbed my ‘womb room’ I’m condensing into paragraphs what

“ I realised that

when his mum used

the word ‘outsider’, it

was her way of being

deeply empathetic

towards me

“

“ I felt like the

Greek god Tantalus, sitting in a river surrounded by unreachable fruit

That fruit was the golden father- daughter unit

“

S P R I N G 2 0 1 9 PSYC H O LO G I ES M AGA Z I N E 27

relationships

took several years – and is ongoing

I’d say I manage to keep level 80 per

cent of the time It’s up to me I can be

glass half-empty: ‘This isn’t the family

of my dreams.’ Glass half-full: ‘This is so

much more than I expected.’ Or even:

‘Ooh look, a glass with my name on it!’

Muddling along

Six years later, this is where I am: I

have absolutely no idea what I am to

J I know I’m something For my part,

I feel like her adoptive mother As for

her relationship with her father, it’s their

business I’m beginning to enjoy the

way he treats her like a princess – it

gives them both pleasure He knows he’s

doing it and laughs about it She knows

perfectly well how to butter her own

toast, but that’s not the point It may not

be feminism to expect your father to carry your heavy bags, both literally and metaphorically, but it’s his way of being

a good parent He has her back – totally

Now, I also butter her toast, make her smoothies at the drop of a hat and leap at any opportunity to nurture I’m sure it makes her feel loved, and maybe even helps with the loss of her mother

I didn’t receive that kind of attention

when my father died – but now I have

to give it to myself

Of course, J needs time with her father I’ve noticed that now I’ve dropped my controlling gaze, they don’t have to choose films I wouldn’t like to ensure they get time alone – they cuddle

up and watch Glee with relish and I get

on with something else that I enjoy Often, I have beautiful dreams in which J and I are really close Perhaps they’re compensation dreams but actually, underneath the dramas, we get on pretty well I’ve recently been helping her study It’s a small thing that makes me hugely happy

 Very occasionally, she’ll come to me for advice Once, she was struggling with friendships at school and poured

it all out She took my advice and I feel that’s a silent bond between us She’s not demonstrative, so I’ve learned to stroke her arm instead of lunging for the bear hug, and to appreciate the occasional, small, but genuine, smile

It helps that my husband often says

he feels for me because I do the practical work of a mum but don’t get the emotional benefits of the blood relationship between a daughter and her mother That recognition is enough Nuts to Mother’s Day! Why should I be controlled by the global hype? Eating together on a daily basis, creating the environment for banter and sharing stories about our days is more important

I realise that when his mother used the word ‘outsider’, it was her way of being deeply empathetic towards me I note and appreciate how, now that my own mum has died, she says she loves me all the time Even his late wife’s mother tells me she sees me as a daughter

Having a cat, a dog, a house, a husband and a stepdaughter is more than I had hoped for at 56 We’re a blended family, a real family and, when

it works best, I know that I don’t ‘have’ any of them We’re travelling together, like free-floating reeds in a river

“ Now, I also butter

her toast, make her smoothies at the drop of a hat and leap

at any opportunity

to nurture

“

Physicist and environmentalist Melanie Windridge summited Everest to show how science fuels adventure

“ I like to walk in the footsteps of people who

did the impossible ”

WORDS ELLEN TOUT PHOTOGRAPHS ALUN CALLENDER

my life, my way

S P R I N G 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O L O G I E S M AG A Z I N E 29

ABOVE AND RIGHT Melanie hopes

to create an abundant, safe and

cost-effective source of energy

BELOW Passionate about her

work and its objective, Melanie

communicates with colleagues,

investors, the public and students

30 P SYC H O L O G I E S M AG A Z I N E S P R I N G 2 0 1 9

my life, my way

“Because of my passion for the environment – mountains, snow, glaciers, the Arctic – I want to contribute to something bigger This work gives me real purpose”

elanie Windridge loved science and experiments

at school ‘I’ve always been curious and liked

playing with objects,’ she remembers ‘Physics

was my favourite subject, which was rather unusual at a girls’

school By the time I did my GCSEs, I knew that I wanted to

study physics at university.’ She spent a year of her degree

course studying in France and later, during two years of

travelling, Melanie fostered her passion for exploration

and the outdoors, too ‘While travelling, I spent time in the

mountains and got my first taste of walking at altitude on

the Inca Trail,’ she says ‘Being in nature, I began to see the

effects of climate change – like coral bleaching in Thailand

and glaciers retreating in the Himalayas.’ Unsure of where

her physics degree would take her, Melanie began researching

fusion – a way of creating clean, green energy

During her PhD in fusion energy, Melanie led university

visitors’ tours and, one day, she was asked to fill in for another

expert and give a talk – something she now does regularly ‘I

was terrified!’ she says ‘I felt exposed It was not natural for me

But, because I care about the subject, I’ve learned to see it as

just having a conversation about my work If you’d told me I’d

do a TEDx Talk and speak publicly all the time, I wouldn’t have

believed you It’s amazing when people provide feedback You

don’t get that reward unless you open up and give of yourself.’

Why is she so passionate about fusion? ‘Fusion is like

building a miniature sun on earth It’s the reaction that powers

the sun and stars all the time,’ she explains ‘As scientists, we want to replicate those conditions to create clean, abundant energy with no greenhouse gases I believe that the energy problem is fundamental to our civilisation Because of my passion for the environment – the mountains, snow, glaciers, the Arctic – I want change to happen and to contribute to something bigger This work gives me a real purpose.’

A story about saving the planet

Melanie is a freelance physicist and science communicator, which means that she explains science-related topics to non-experts, but she had expected to pursue a more traditional role ‘When I didn’t find work in academia, I had a crisis of confidence and identity I always thought that was why I was studying physics and that was the way my life would go It was tough to find my path,’ she says But, sharing her work through talks, outreach in schools for The Institute of Physics and a blog, which later became a book, took her on a different journey ‘Someone at Tokamak Energy, a leading laboratory

in fusion, for which I’ve worked for five years, spotted my work and decided they needed someone who can tell the fusion story to the world,’ she explains ‘It was tiny then, but perfect for me because I like the big picture To do something that

is inspiring and will one day change the world is a privilege

‘I juggle my time between work and personal projects – books, talks and trips I’m lucky that I’m able to work >>>

M

S P R I N G 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O L O G I E S M AG A Z I N E 31

RIGHT Melanie walks

on The Ridgeway in Oxfordshire Being outdoors – trekking, skiing and running – helps her unwind LEFT AND BELOW The tokamak device

at Tokamak Energy,

a leading laboratory

in fusion, aims

to heat plasma to temperatures of more than 100 million degrees celsius

big picture

To do something that is inspiring and will one day change the world is

a privilege”

32 P SYC H O L O G I E S M AG A Z I N E S P R I N G 2 0 1 9

while going on expeditions that I love, and it’s all science!’

One such exploration took Melanie to see the aurora

(Northern Lights) ‘Both fusion and the aurora involve plasma

so, as a plasma physicist, I wanted to see this spectacular,

natural plasma phenomenon I took an Arctic science course

and had to go and see this intense movement in the sky!’ Her

experience inspired Melanie’s book, Aurora: In Search Of The

Northern Lights (William Collins, £12.99) ‘I thought, “What

must it have been like for indigenous populations and

explorers, seeing this marvel in the sky before science knew

what it was?” I realised I could write about the science, but

weave in landscapes, people and travel Before I even had a

book deal, I had the confidence to say, “I’m going to do this

insane thing; I’m going to commit time and money to this.”’

A pioneering mind

Extraordinary things have always fascinated Melanie

‘Everest, the aurora, fusion – they seem unconnected, but

I think they’re linked by the notion of impossible things,’ she

says ‘People say fusion is impossible I like to challenge myself

and to walk in the footsteps of explorers; of the people who

did the impossible I have a strange fascination with things that others think are impossible History has shown us that just because something is impossible now, it doesn’t mean that it will always be impossible We don’t know when fusion

is going to happen – it’s science; it’s an exploration.’

Melanie is vice president of the Alpine Club, the world’s first mountaineering club, which ignited her dream to climb Everest ‘Before joining, Everest was this crazy, big mountain that I thought you’d have to have a death wish to climb – not anything I’d ever do!’ But, after some research, she realised the role science played in the first successful summit in 1953

‘People talk about the strength of the human spirit but not the science As a scientist, I found that interesting,’ she says ‘What’s hard about Everest is the altitude It’s so high that you’re literally dying; your body is shutting down It took a scientist to identify how to overcome that I read loads about it and realised that, actually, I could probably climb Everest Once I had that thought, I couldn’t walk away from it I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life knowing that I didn’t take my opportunity.’Melanie spent more than a year researching and training, then seven weeks preparing on the mountain and, in March

>>>

LEFT Melanie spent

a year training and researching how science supports mountain climbers

BELOW LEFT Melanie’s boots She’s fascinated

by how the chemistry

of clothing protects from the elements

“‘I can do it ’ became the mantra

I plodded along to There was no question in my mind… I had faith”

S P R I N G 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O L O G I E S M AG A Z I N E 33

2018, she reached the summit ‘I had been walking for nine

hours through the night, but I was focused I reached the

top first in my group! Suddenly, the sun came up and it was

incredible I was able to enjoy sunrise at the top of the world

My overwhelming emotion was relief.’ Ten per cent of

climbers to conquer Everest have been women Did she

consider turning back at any point? ‘The altitude makes you

feel like you have a permanent hangover It was hard, but I

wasn’t going to give up To keep going, I sang in my head, “I can

do it.” That became the mantra I plodded along to There was

no question in my mind that I would do it I had faith.’

Paving the way for women

During the expedition, Melanie created a series of YouTube

videos to highlight how science improves safety and

performance on the mountain ‘I wanted to bring the science

to life in a different context; to show how science is relevant

and enables us to do this impossible challenge – altitude,

acclimatising, the body, oxygen, communication, rescue, the

chemistry of my kit and clothing… I’m writing a book about it

which I hope will inspire people, particularly women and girls

‘Not only am I a female in science, which is male-dominated, but also in adventure I want girls to see that they can do exciting things and that there are opportunities for them,’ she says ‘I think the perception is that you’ve got to be super smart

or geeky to be a scientist, but that’s not true It’s about finding your niche.’ Melanie is keen to encourage more women to pursue scientific careers ‘It makes me sad to think that people believe “that’s not for me because I’m not a man” or “I’m not smart enough” I’ve had girls ask me at talks whether pursuing

a career in science is OK Girls need to be able to look at professions like mine and see where they fit.’

When Melanie isn’t climbing mountains, nature plays an important part in her life in Buckinghamshire ‘I like to notice and experience things: to see blades of grass and hear stones under my boots,’ she says ‘While climbing, I realised that we don’t spend enough time thinking nothing and doing nothing

When you are forced to – sitting in a tent without anything to

read, or walking for hours – you’re in your own world and you can reflect Being in nature is my time to think, detach, let my mind go and allow my eyes to focus on the distance.’

melaniewindridge.co.uk; @m_windridge; tokamakenergy.co.uk; bit.ly/EverestVids

LEFT Spending seven

weeks on Everest

helped Melanie

acclimatise and train

at its different bases

RIGHT Her Everest challenge kit included thermals, boots, a down suit, helmet and ice axe

34 P SYC H O L O G I E S M AG A Z I N E S P R I N G 2 0 1 9

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Q I can’t get my head into gear when it comes to my health

I can’t be bothered to go to the gym

or eat healthily – I have no motivation

Yet I worry that if I don’t keep an eye

on my health, I will have problems in the future I am 48 and I want to take care of myself How can I fi nd the

drive to improve my health? Kate

A Well done on realising that good health is vital to happiness Self- awareness is the spark that can light the motivation to act Good intentions fail when we go to extremes with workouts and food that feel like punishment There is another way

Small changes to your routine can

make a big diff erence Try these steps:

● Do a self-care audit: Prioritising

self-care means paying attention to how you spend your time, handle your resources and maintain your environment What has worked in the past? What did you enjoy about it? How can you build on your previous successes, however small?

● Ignite motivation: What precisely

would you like to improve? Setting

a goal will motivate you to act What strengths do you have to help you? How would it feel if you took action?

● Choose to act: What is one thing

you can do now? On a scale of one to

10, how likely are you to stick to it? Aim for at least a seven Buddy up with someone like-minded – social beats solo Do one thing today and another tomorrow Keep going until it’s a habit. beverlylandais.co.uk

Listen to the podcast:

Our monthly podcast

g and Suzy Walker discussing coaching dilemmas is on the ‘Psychologies’ podcast channel on iTunes and SoundCloud with Kim Morgan and Suzy Walker discussing

ASK THE EXPERT…

Beverly Landais is a life coach who specialises in wellbeing and careers at Beverly Landais Executive Coaching She enables people to be their resourceful best

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Editor-in-Chief

S P R I N G 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O L O G I E S M AG A Z I N E 35

in partnership with Barefoot Coaching

Cut out this page and put it somewhere visible Use the wheel of life, a classic coaching tool, to

put your wellbeing into the spotlight The wheel allows you to focus on improving one segment

of your life at a time, while giving you an overall picture of all the parts that comprise a happy life

The wheel of life

This month, we’re focusing

on improving our wellbeing

l Write down your definition of a healthy

life What does it look and feel like? How

do you honestly feel about your life in

this area? Give it a score – with 1 being

awful and 10 being brilliant.

l Brainstorm with someone you trust

or hire a coach to figure out ways to

increase your score by 3 in four weeks.

l Break it down into baby steps What would be a positive step towards improving your score by 1 point? What

do you need – a practical plan or to break a bad habit? Maybe you require motivation, or to slow down Think of

a simple way to make a small change.

l What would improve the way you feel

about your wellbeing by another point? And another? What action can you take? Who or what will help you: a nutritionist or a cooking or yoga class?

l Every month, we’ll address different segments of the wheel – but feel free

to work on all parts of your wheel of life

at the same time Refer to it frequently

to track your progress Good luck!

Rate how satisfied you feel with your wellbeing, then create a plan to

up it by 3 points this month

FAMILY HOME

FRIENDS ADVENTURE

“

”

“

”

Hope begins in the dark, the

stubborn hope that if you just show

up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come You wait and

watch and work: you don’t give up

ANNE LAMOTT

middle name Not

literally, obviously, but

ever since my time as a

school prefect, I’ve been

proud of my a hard-working streak

‘Conscientious’ was the word

teachers wrote in my report, and

I recall feeling a glow of satisfaction

that they recognised how I threw

myself wholeheartedly into my work

As an adult, I feel validated when

an editor who needs a reliable – or

11th-hour-deadline writer – calls me

It isn’t just a work thing When my

mates fancy a night out, I’m the one

who makes it happen I’m forever

doing favours for friends and family

– I can’t help it; we conscientious

types are simply like this And, while

friends enjoy weekends with their

feet up, I’m more likely to be mopping

floors or sorting out sock drawers

But, lately, I’ve begun to think that

perhaps it isn’t doing me any favours

Instead of taking pride in being

the person people call on to get

something done, I’ve started

wondering if they’re simply taking

advantage of my can-do attitude

After all, other people are the ones who benefit most from my

conscientious nature

I recently volunteered to write marketing material for an associate’s business I offered because I saw the need for the job to be done well, I had the necessary skills and it wouldn’t take up a huge amount of time

But I started to feel that my contribution, although appreciated, wasn’t truly valued because, while other contributors were paid for their work, I was not I felt short-changed

Please walk all over me

I could see that my conscientiousness was to blame – if I hadn’t eagerly offered my services, I might have had the opportunity to be paid like everyone else I felt I’d been labouring under the misapprehension that people thought of me as capable and conscientious when, in fact, they saw

me as fair game when they needed

a cheeky favour that savvier people would refuse them

Maybe editors call on me when

they need a piece written quickly – not because I’m quick and conscientious – but because other journalists would demand twice the fee to meet such a short deadline

Perhaps the school mums get me to organise drinks – not because I do it well – but because no one else can be bothered And maybe my associate simply saw me as cheap labour and not a valuable asset to her business.What’s the truth of these situations? Am I people pleasing at

my own expense? And, if so, why?

I spoke to clinical psychologist Linda Blair She says it’s important

to distinguish between being conscientious and being a people pleaser because, while the two types

of behaviour can look the same, the motivations behind them are different

‘What matters isn’t what you are doing, but why,’ she says ‘People

pleasing suggests a lack of confidence, but what you describe sounds more like others recognising you

as someone who gets things done.’ What’s key, she says, is whether I feel pressure to say yes when they ask

S P R I N G 2 0 1 9 PSYC H O LO G I ES M AGA Z I N E 39

psychology

40 PSYC H O LO G I ES M AGA Z I N E S P R I N G 2 0 1 9

for my input I realise that I don’t

– I’m perfectly capable of saying no

to people when I want to

Born this way?

Blair then suggests my conscientious

streak may stem from my birth order

‘Conscientiousness is a common trait

in firstborn children,’ she explains

‘The firstborn is the only child who

starts out having complete parental

attention, then loses it — and they

develop a bit of an ache They quickly

learn that helping to care for younger

siblings is one way to get back some of

the attention they feel they have lost

That resonates with me I am not

the eldest child in my family but I

am the first girl and, having an older

sibling with additional needs, it seems

I’ve developed some characteristics

typically associated with firstborns

I’ve taken on the ‘fixer’ role, forever

organising others and volunteering

for tasks, from hosting family parties

to arranging office secret Santas

‘This [dutiful streak] is also why

firstborns typically do well in life but

sometimes at great cost – because

they always push themselves harder

than they need to,’ says Blair In

itself, conscientiousness is no bad

thing, she says, quite the opposite

– it’s one of the ‘big five’ personality

traits identified by psychologists

Life coach Richard Harris agrees

‘Conscientiousness is the biggest

predictor of career success for most industries, so it’s a good thing,’ he says ‘But your agreeable nature is probably costing you money.’

He’s right, and I’m determined to make conscientiousness work for me, not against me That means valuing it

in the first place and communicating

to others that it’s a marketable skill for which I expect to be rewarded, not penalised Harris continues:

‘People prone to agreeableness must

do what is unnatural for them, and negotiate assertively.’ He recommends rehearsing negotiations with a friend

or coach to help reduce anxiety over it

But another aspect of all of this

is that I want to allow myself more downtime – to switch off the conscientious me sometimes and relax Blair explains that there are two dimensions to conscientiousness:

industriousness (self-discipline and efficiency) and orderliness (a love

of routine and tidiness) In terms of

wellbeing, happiness and satisfaction, industriousness is beneficial but orderliness is not She suggests I keep

a note of the things I do for order, and

to drop one habit every few days ‘You may feel a shiver of naughtiness, like you’re getting away with something,’ she says ‘When that happens, you’ll also feel a release of energy – direct that into an activity you want to do.’

To be or not to be…

I love that Blair’s approach means I don’t have to stop being myself ‘If you’re the best at organising drinks, last-minute commissions or doing

your friend’s marketing and you like

doing those things, keep offering!’

It feels so good to reframe my conscientiousness as a strength and focus on channelling it towards doing things that give me satisfaction It’s liberating to embrace my diligence but I also feel a new commitment

to ask, without apology, for it to

be rewarded when appropriate.The prefect in me never realised you can be selectively conscientious

I have decided to step away from helping my associate market her business, and I feel no discomfort, just that shiver of naughtiness Blair mentioned I’m learning to love that feeling and I look forward to working out how best to use the burst of energy that I know will follow

lindablair.co.uk; richardharriscoaching.com

“ The first child has

complete parental attention, then loses

it – and they develop

an ache They learn

to help care for their siblings to get it back

“

Psychologist Linda Blair’s guide to being master of your conscientiousness

lWhen you voluntee r

for yet another task, ask

yourself: ’Will this bring me

joy?’ If so, go for it Doing

things that benefit others,

as long as you don’t feel

under pressure to do so,

can boost self-esteem and,

as a consequence, wellbeing.

lNegotiate for more.

Agreeableness is a positive trait but, for conscientious types, it can get in the way

when asking for fair reward for your time or talent

As the saying goes: know your worth, then add VAT.

lDon’t be orderly for the sake of orderliness

Homes need to be cleaned and tidied, yes, but many domestic chores can wait

a day or two while you do something more fun and rewarding – and a little bit

of chaos is good for you!

No, don’t try harder