What Should I Do with My Life_ - Po Bronson

SIGNIFICANCE/FULFILLMENT 9 A ToxicEnvironmentTHE NEED TOIMPRESS PEOPLE ON THEIR TERMS 10 Certified Apologies ENCOURAGEMENT IN ANOTHER CLASS 11 The Umbrella IMPORTANT 12 A College Man FRO

MEANING

1 An Ordinary Guy

EVEN THE DESTINED STRUGGLE

2 Hunted by Her Cause

DOTHINGS HAPPEN FOR AREASON?

3 Lacking an Off Switch

ATESTOFBEINGTRUE TOONESELF

4 Dropping the Watermelon

THE FEAR OFBEINGIMPRACTICAL

5 The Dharma Adviser

Parasite Entrepreneurism

WORKINGWITH WHAT’S ALREADYTHERE

7 Have You Looked Under the Bed?NATURAL ENTHUSIASM

8 The Brain Candy Generation

STIMULATION/INTENSITYVS.

SIGNIFICANCE/FULFILLMENT 9 A ToxicEnvironment

THE NEED TOIMPRESS PEOPLE ON THEIR TERMS 10 Certified Apologies

ENCOURAGEMENT

IN ANOTHER CLASS 11 The Umbrella

IMPORTANT 12 A College Man

FROMWORKINGCLASS TOEDUCATED CLASS

13 Building a Cathedral THE FEAR YOUDON’TBELONG 14 The Casino of theAmerican Economy IT’S SUPPOSED TOBEHARD

15 On Planet Hug

IS MORE RELIGION THE ANSWER? 16Getting Oily, Then Even SWITCH SIDESAFTER AN INJUSTICE 17 Learning DeltaPride

TEMPTATIONS VS ASPIRATIONS

18 A Billion Is Chump Change

IS TURNINGDOWN THE MONEYSTUPID OR

Temptation

Fantasy

GETTINGRICH CHANGES YOU

21 The Green Eyeshade

MOTIVATION FROMTHE HEAD VS THE HEART 22 After a Brief Period ofExperimentation

DOES LOCATION MATTER?

23 A Tactile Jones

COMPROMISES LEAD TOBOREDOM

24 The Chemical Engineer Who Lacked

a Chemical WHAT’S REAL?

DESTINATION VS JOURNEY?

25 Guidance, Navigation, and ControlTHREE LESSONS FROMONE WHO’S STAYED PUT 26 The Boom Wrangler Has ManyReasons to Live

CHANGE, FOR SOME, KEEPS THEMALIVE

27 The Phi Beta Slacker Dances forHerself

BE YOUR OWN AUDIENCE

28 The Change Junkie Kicks Her HabitDECIPHERINGTHE URGE TOCHANGE

KNOW THYSELF

29 When the Coin Lands Tails

IS GETTINGTOKNOWMYSELFIMPRACTICAL?

30 My New Start-up

HOWTHE PASTCOLORS PERCEPTION 31 A

ANEWKIND OFSUCCESS STORY

CHANGES OF SCENERY 34 Ambition

in Neutral

DEEMPHASIZINGTHE QUESTION IN ORDER TOANSWER IT 35 Nobody Taught Me

42 Ski Bums

WORKINGWITH YOUR SPOUSE

43 Where Fears Hide

THIS IS YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY 44 TheLottery Winner

RESISTINGPARENTS’ PRESSURE

45 The Monkey Law

FINDINGINSPIRATION IN OUR ANCESTRY 46

A Burial with Pinstripes

FEARS ARE INHERITED, TOO

47 Accepting a Gift

WILL I HAVE TOPUTMYASPIRATIONS ASIDE?

48 The Mechanic Gives 100 PercentCHILDREN HELP YOU REMEMBER WHAT’S IMPORTANT 49 A Fragile Blow

51 Contribution X

CAN’TDEFINE

52 Twenty Thousand Lives a Year

BUSINESS IS ATOOL TOSUPPORTWHATYOU BELIEVE 53 Magic Powers

About the Author

Also byPo Bronson

Copyright

For Michele and Luke

What Should I Do with My Life?

Introduction: Obvious Questions Don’tHave Obvious Answers FROM YOURFEARS COME MISCONCEPTIONS

We are all writing the story of ourlife We want to know what it’s “about,”what are its themes and which theme is

on the rise We demand of it somethingdeeper, or richer, or more substantive

We want to know where we’re headed

—not to spoil our own ending by ruiningthe surprise, but we want to ensure thatwhen the ending comes, it won’t beshallow We will have done something

We will not have squandered our timehere.

This book is about that urge, that need

I began this project because I hit thatpoint in my life The television show I’dbeen writing for was canceled Themagazines I wrote for had thinned theirpages My longtime book editor had quit

to pursue theater and film I was out ofwork, and though I could have hustled upmore, I wasn’t sure I should I felt likethe kinds of stories I’d been telling nolonger worked They no longer mappedthe depth and drama of human life as Iexperienced it

I found I was intrigued by peoplewho had unearthed their true calling, or

at least those who were willing to try

Those who fought with the seduction ofmoney, intensity, and novelty, butovercame their allure Those who brokeaway from the chorus to learn the sound

of their own voice Nothing seemedmore brave to me than facing up to one’sown identity, and filtering out the chatterthat tells us to be someone we’re not.What might we learn from those who hadconfronted this question?

I decided on the simplest approachpossible: I would express my curiosity

to whoever would listen, trust thiswould provoke some leads, and travelthe country tracking down the peoplewhose stories spoke to me I had no ideathat sticking to this simple method wouldsoon take me to so many places I’d

never been, and far deeper into people’slives than I’d ever gone as a writer.

I hit on an incredible wellspring ofhonest sentiment Complete strangersopened their lives and their homes to

me, confessing feelings and events theyhadn’t revealed to their closest friends.This was at a time when we were losingour respect for corporate leaders, we nolonger believed new technology wouldmake our lives better, and the attack onour freedom made life precious andweighty People were reassessing whatmattered to them and what they believedin

I heard some nine hundred stories,spent countless hours corresponding and

on the phone, and came to know about

seventy people closely I spent time withthem all in person, which was absolutelynecessary (About fifty are included inthe book.) The word “interview” doesn’tdescribe the emotional exchange thatusually occurred None were friendswhen I started, but most were by the time

I was done These were microwavefriendships, forged with fast blasts ofrevelation and bonding, like thoseformed quickly in a freshman dorm,remembered for years I let them cry in

my arms I slept on their couches I sat intheir musty attics, looking through oldphoto albums We went running together

We traded secrets I met their parentsand held their children I went to one’swedding I became symbolically

associated with their turning points.Many people described how much ithelped them to have me listen; theytalked their way into a greaterunderstanding of what had transpiredand why.

I was no expert I had no credentials

as a counselor or academic Iapproached these people as merely “one

of them.” The events of my life hadshredded any theories I used to haveabout how to address the question “Whatshould I do with my life?” I had beenhumbled into admitting I knew nothing,and as I hit the road I was continuouslyhumbled again by what some of thesepeople had endured and the wisdom theyseemed to radiate I learned from them

through inspiration and imitation I alsolearned from the multiplicity of stories

— by comparing how people talked andwhat language they invoked, certainpatterns emerged, and I could place astory in the context of the larger picture

The flip side to caring for them was

an occasional intrusion When peoplewere in midtransition and confused, theyroutinely asked for my counseling Thiswas always an uneasy role; usually, Ihandled this by telling other people’sstories—“Here’s what this personfound, in a similar situation .” In afew instances, I was not so passivewhen I sensed that my passivity—mylistening mode—was being takeninappropriately as endorsement I didn’t

want to be an accomplice to a wrongturn So I tried to guide them byreminding them of their own statedresolutions I didn’t handle all thesesituations perfectly; I reveal thesemoments in the text to show my ownfallibility.

People asked a great many questionsthat helped steer my research Many ofthese questions were of the smart-aleckvariety, merely intellectual/devil’sadvocate babble, but it was much moredifficult and challenging to address thoseasked from the heart, by people stuck inthe middle of it and honestly confused.Questions such as:

•

Is it supposed to feel like destiny? If not, is (experience-derived) self-created

“meaning” legitimate?

•Should I accept mylot, make peace with myambition, and stop stressing out?

•Whydo I feel guiltyfor thinking about this?

•Should I make moneyfirst, to fund mydream?

•How do I tell the difference between a curiosityand a passion?

•How do I weigh making myself a better person against external achievements?

•When do I need to change mysituation, and when is itmethat needs to change?

• What should I tell myparents, who worryabout me?

•If I have a child, will myfrustration over mywork go away?

•What will it feel like when I get there? (How will I know I’m there?)

These were screamingly obviousquestions, but it seemed they werealmost so obvious that we hadn’t

publicly collected how we’ve learned toanswer them—as if the answers should

be obvious too, which they’re not Toooften we’re reticent about these issues.Talking about them can seem sofruitless, meanwhile inflaming anxietyand diverting us from the other things wehave more control over, and can do.Yes, but it can also strengthen ourresolve and shield us from distractions Ifound that the biggest obstacle toanswering the question this book poses

is that people don’t give themselvespermission to take it seriously At therisk of being fruitless, let this book be asafe place for a discussion

This book does not research thehistory of its question I don’t quote

experts, though I interviewed some, and

I don’t quote literature unless it wasquoted to me by someone I wrote about

I didn’t spend time in the library to writethis book Those sources of wisdom felttoo abstract compared to the hard-earnedrecord of those who actually took action,changed their life, and enjoyed orsuffered the consequences

The people in this book are ordinarypeople By that I mean they did not haveavailable to them resources or charactertraits that gave them an uncommonadvantage in pursuing their dream Somehave succeeded, many have not Onlyone, in my mind, is saintly Only two hadwhat accountants call “financialindependence.” Only two were so smart

that they’d succeed at anything theychose, though having more choices madeanswering the question that much harder.None were gypsies by nature, such freespirits that they didn’t need or crave aplace to call their own, though someeventually found their solace in learning

to live that way Only two asked me for

my sign Only two asked me not to usetheir real names Otherwise, they werepeople who faced up to it, armed withonly their weaknesses, equipped withonly their fears I chose stories that Ihoped would encourage reflection andoffer solace, not ones that merelyentertained

Spending time with them affected mesubtly Afterward, I was always spent,

and needed to recharge on the familiarpatterns of my family, the writers’Grotto, and my soccer teams I becamehyperaware of what mattered to me andwhat was merely that week’s noiseintruding on my life It stripped awaysome of the ways I had colored my past,and often I was visited by old friends in

my dreams I became more honest inperson, less contrived in my writing.They helped me find my own story Theywanted to know how I’d come to be awriter, and how I’d recently become ahusband (for the second time) and afather (for the first time) I’d neverwritten about my own journey, neverthought it was a story worth telling, buthearing their stories helped me tell my

own in a way that it finally did havesome oomph To some it wasinspiration, and to others it waskinship.Okay, he gets it.

My biggest surprise was how being

a new dad folded into the book, and how

I face this question now that I have afamily Writing hadn’t come easily to

me, and I’ve had to be very protective of

my love for it I was once so afraid thatbeing a parent was incompatible withbeing a writer The travel, the intenseconcentration For years this fear hadstopped me from mixing the two.Somehow, in a year in which our son,Luke, was born, and my wife, Michele, amolecular immunologist, was putting adrug through the FDA’s approval

process, I found the time and the room in

my heart for this enormous project Itook my family with me whenever Icould, which was most of the time In hisfirst year Luke went on seventeen trips

of up to ten days in length, includingweeks in London and Hong Kong, which

he loved because it was hot Now itseems like a miracle

It’s a far different book from what Ioriginally envisioned It reflects what Ifound, not what I predicted I didn’twrite a single person’s story until I hadgotten to know two-thirds of them, andeven then their meaning was justbeginning to show itself Nowhere is thismore apparent than in the way I’vearranged these stories Since my method

conveys how I’m implicitly suggesting

we think about this question— and sincefiguring out how to do this didn’t comeeasily—an explanation is probablynecessary

This book doesn’t follow aconventional outline Every week Isketched out another scenario forgrouping these people’s lives Mostpeople had fair claim to several groups.Too many never fit any It was alwaysclear that the benefits of categorizationwere outweighed by the harm inchopping their lives down to ananecdote

I couldn’t shake the urge to tame thisquestion by shackling it with someorderly form But the human soul resists

taxonomy What heals one person mightharm another Ultimately, I bowed down

in respect I recognized that my urge toclassify was an attempt to make thisjourney easy or quick, and to strive forsimplification demonstrated a hubris on

my part, and a lack of appreciation forthe blind winding road we must take.And once I’d done that, I finally foundthe right arrangement, a flow from story

to story

I learned that people have all sorts

of psychological stumbling blocks thatkeep them from finding themselves.Some of these are badly tangledmisconceptions, some are deeply rootedfears The two are related—like anyprejudice, misconceptions get fabricated

and sustained by fears So this book isnot organized by industry or personalitytype, and it’s not a travelogue It usespeople’s stories to demonstrate thesemisconceptions and fears, and showshow people are confronting them or havegotten past them They’re not meant to beread out of order, though there’s no harm

in that They’re meant to build on eachother Ideas and terminology brought up

in earlier stories are invoked insubsequent ones, and the result is meant

to resemble a rolling conversation, butone in which the ideas are continuallyreined in by dogged reality

What are some of those fears andmisconceptions? Just a tiny sample, toclarify what I mean:

The misconception that this question onlymatters to overeducated Americans

•The fear of irreversibility, limiting future options.

•The fear of not being on a path with a known destination.

•

The fear that what we need for ourselves might tear

us awayfrom our spouse, partner, or friends.

The misconception that our life doesn’t begin until we find an answer, when in fact our

•

failed attempts often establish whywe will find our future “answer” so meaningful, that is, in contrast to our past.

What I found is that, if you take care

of these obstacles, you create anenvironment where the truth is invitedinto your life When people heard thisbook’s title, the most common questionI’d get asked was, “So is your bookabout life, or about careers?” And I’dlaugh, and warn them not to get trapped

by semantics, and answer, “It’s aboutpeople who’ve dared to be honest withthemselves.”

Destiny vs Created Meaning

Self-1 An Ordinary Guy

EVEN THE DESTINED STRUGGLEWouldn’t it be so much easier if yougot a letter in the mail when you wereseventeen, signed by someone who had adirect pipeline to Ultimate Meaning,telling you exactly who you are and whatyour true destiny is? Then you couldcarry this letter around in your pocket,and when you got confused or distractedand suddenly melted down, you’d reachfor your wallet and grab the letter andread it again and go, “Oh, right.”

Well, a friend of mine has such a

letter He’s thirty-two years old andrents a bedroom from a nice lady inPhoenix near the base of CamelbackMountain He’s gray at the temples,wears Hawaiian shirts, and drives adusty Oldsmobile that suffers from badalignment The car’s tape player isbroken, which is fine by me because Ican’t stand the soft rock he listens to Heloves America because friends here treathim like an ordinary person He saysbeing here has made him much moreopen-minded He grew up in a refugeecamp in southern India When he got theletter he had just enrolled in a specialschool there, with the vague notion ofeventually becoming a professor ofTibetan literature, though he admits he

wasn’t much of a student But what elsewas there to do in life? No way was hegoing to be a farmer Being abusinessman meant having to sell, and hedidn’t study hard enough to ever become

a doctor He couldn’t imagine sitting outhis life in a government office job, filingforms His name was Choeaor Dondup,but everyone called him Ali, after theboxer, because he was big His hair hung

to his shoulders He spent most of histime figuring out how to get into hisgirlfriend’s pants He played soccer Hewas scared of the dark Then one day atschool he received this letter, signed bythe Dalai Lama

Ali was a big believer in the DalaiLama

The letter said he wasn’t ChoeaorDondup after all Instead, he was thereincarnation of a warrior who, alongwith his five brothers, had ruled a poorand remote region of eastern Tibet sixlifetimes ago The brothers haddescended from one of Genghis Khan’sgrandsons Ali’s Previous One turnedhis back on the family’s violent rule andbecame a monk Over his lifetime hefounded thirteen monasteries and

became the great spiritual leader of thisregion, the Tehor Ali’s real name was

Za Rinpoche, which is Tibetan for “TheDharma King.”

Imagine! You’re not a dumb, lost,inexperienced seventeen-yearold! Weactually have a spot picked out for you!And not just any spot!

WANTED:Great Spiritual Leader Noexperience necessary

Nevertheless, the letter was a bit of

a shock They wanted him to attend theDrepung monastery in northern India AllAli could think about was, “Am I going

to have to cut my hair?” “Am I going tohave to become a monk?Give up sex?”You think it would be easy if yourdestiny were offered on a silver platter

But Ali went around for a few daysopenly expressing his angst and annoyinghis friends by debating whether this wasthe right thing to do The social pressurewas so great that eventually he shut up,gave in, and went off to the monastery,keeping his doubts to himself It tookfour years for the doubts to evaporate.But it’s never been easy He spent thenext twelve years memorizing two-thousand-year-old ancient texts, thewhole time craving the kind ofunderstanding that comes fromexperience Back in Tehor, when peopleare dying they hold his photographinches from their face and stare at him,wanting him to be the last thing they eversee before they cross over into

unembodied consciousness That’s howmuch faith they have in Rinpoche—morethan he has in himself, I suspect.

I found Rinpoche like this: When myson was born, my mom cleaned out herbasement and brought up my well-preserved souvenirs from my childhood,soccer trophies and warmup jackets and

my high school yearbooks In one ofthose yearbooks was a nice note from anupperclasswoman, Jodi, fondlyremembering those long conversations

we used to have during studio artclasses “What conversations?” I wanted

to remember So I tracked her down, andduring another long conversation shementioned she’d been hanging out withRinpoche I was curious, though not for

any particular reason Just curious.Curiosity is a raw and genuine sign fromdeep inside our tangled psyches, andwe’d do well to follow the direction itpoints us in So to Jodi I said, “I gottameet that guy,” and booked tickets toPhoenix.

What would it be like to have thiscertainty about your place in the world?

To have it in writing from the DalaiLama himself! Of course, my desire tounderstand this wasn’t my onlymotivation I was excited to meet a holyman Perhaps his spiritual presencemight rub off on me, and he might offer

me guidance Instead I found a friend,who, though sacred, was still utterlyhuman and real He was skilled at

minimizing his anguish over everydaystruggles, but he still faced themroutinely and fought his urges like any of

us Possessing that letter had notrelieved him of having to figure outwhere he really belonged and makesome hard choices In his mind, thisquestion was not settled

He and I were riding around Phoenix

a little while ago, looking for someauthentic Mexican food I was joshinghim about this reincarnation thing

“Come on, you really believe it?”

“Yes.”

“So,allof you, or just, like, yoursoul?”

He said the biggest misconception in theWest, and in young Tibetans, was thatmind is physical

I said, “How do you know youngTibetans? You said you’ve never evenbeen to Tibet.” (China wouldn’t let himinto his country.)

“Like, you know, I’ve met many whoare also in exile.”

Physical,

feeling,

perception, intention,

and consciousness

His consciousness had beenreincarnated, but his perceptions andfeelings and body had not That said, theinner layer, by itself, is no more valid orimportant than the outer Self is thecombination of the five.

“So on the inside you’ve got it figuredout, but the rest of you is draggingalong.”

Rinpoche laughed, and it’s when helaughs that he seems so wise He learnedhis English inAtlanta from undergrads atEmory University, and he picked up theirvocal idiosyncrasies, tossing “kind of,”

“like,” and “you know what I mean” intoevery sentence He speaks English like ateenager, but laughs like a man sixlifetimes old—such a deep, merry, pure