Tài liệu Learn to Write in English ppt

As long as I am healthy, I’ll work hard to earn as much money as I can, then with it I buy substances 14 or services to make 15 my family live more comfortably.. This writer doesn't live

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Student Composition:

Three Passions I Live For

(See Teacher's Comments and Revised Composition Below.)

Looking back on my past twenty years full of passions (1) and enthusiasm, I feel grateful and (2) to live a healthy and happy life There are a lot of qualities I have learnt from ordinary life that guided me through If I am asked to list the first three, I will put health, happiness of

my family and enough financial support (3) as the passions I live for

Health comes first for me Without health, everything is meaningless It

is indispensable to everyone (4) Only when one is healthy can he start his own career, set up his own family and achieve any accomplishment (5) I always value health and regard it as the preliminary step (6) to possess a happy family and earn enough money

Happiness of my family (7) is very important to me because I love my family wholeheartedly I get pleasure in their joys and suffer what they suffer Their infinite love and support motivate me to overcome any trouble or obstacle (8) I may meet To make those I love happy is the biggest wish for me What would millions of money (9) mean to me if I saw my family suffer from pain and agony (10)? Now that I’ve got a healthy body, I have plenty of time and opportunities to entertain my family Then money comes third (11)

Everyone must admit that they could never do without money (12) Money enables us to get food, a house for shelter, clothes to wear and furthermore (13) enjoyment For example, with money, we can get a good education, travel around the world and receive fine medical treatment Money is essential to satisfy our basic needs as well as further self-development

As long as I am healthy, I’ll work hard to earn as much money as I can, then with it I buy substances (14) or services to make (15) my family live more comfortably If everything goes on (16) smoothly, I’ll be absolutely the happiest girl in the world!

Teacher Joe's Comments

(1) "Passion" is normally a non-count noun, especially in this expression,

"full of passion" In any case, the word "passion" itself is not really appropriate considering the three ideas being expressed Health and wealth are mentioned as necessities which add to the writer's quality of life, but they are not really "passions" If the writer loved to go the gym every single day of the week and practiced yoga, weight training, along with various other sports, then it might be called "a passion" "Wealth" is also "a passion" for some people who really do seem to live for money They want all the money they can get - more, more, MORE! That's passion This writer doesn't live for money, however, she only uses money to help her live a better life For her, money is a tool, not a

passion

(2) Perhaps the word "and" was added by mistake I think the writer wanted to write something like "I feel grateful for the chance to have lived a healthy and happy life" If the writer wants to keep "and", then a sentence such as "I feel grateful and happy to have lived a healthy life"

"And" should connect two similar words or ideas

(3) "Support" is what somebody, or some thing, gives to you When I read "enough financial support", I think the writer wants support from her parents or maybe from the government "Enough finances" or "sufficient finances" would be better, but the writer could even use the simple expression "enough money" It's better to use a simple word such as

"money" correctly than to use a more formal word such as "finances" incorrectly

(4) This sentence just repeats the same idea as the previous two

sentences, only using different words The writer's message is "Health is important Health is important Health is important." It seems the writer

is just trying to show off her knowledge of English without

communicating any message In the revised essay below, notice how the first two sentences are combined to show cause and effect, while the third sentence is cut out completely

(5) This is far too general It's not bad grammatically but is quite boring The reader must wonder if the writer is capable of describing a real achievement or not The writer should give examples of achievements

that she has achieved or hopes to achieve

(6) The writer seems to be emphasizing health by writing "THE

preliminary step", so "the first step" would be more clear There might be many "preliminary" steps, which all might be necessary, but not so important

(7) The first time this is mentioned, in the first paragraph, it may be okay

to write it this way However, the second time it is used, "my family's happiness" is much more natural If the writer insists on using this awkward expression again, she should at least use an article: "The

happiness of my family "

(8) Again, the writer would show her ability to communicate in English if she gave an example or two instead of just using the general words

"trouble" and "obstacle"

(9) "Money" is a non-count noun We could say "millions of dollars",

"millions of pounds", or "millions of yuan" Another possibility would be

"a large amount of money"

(10) We suffer from a disease or some other bad situation Writing

"suffer from pain and agony" is like writing "suffering from suffering and suffering" The writer could change this to "living in pain and agony" or

"experiencing pain and agony"

(11) This is a fair attempt at a transition to the next paragraph, but it could be better See the revised essay for examples of smooth transitions between paragraphs

(12) This sentence communicates nothing and should be cut

(13) It is not clear what the writer is trying to say by using the word

"furthermore" here Maybe she means, "beyond these necessities", or something similar The word "furthermore" could also be cut with no replacement, and the meaning would come through more clearly

(14) "Substances" sounds like raw materials, especially chemicals or drugs The writer should use specific goods and services in order to communicate her message

(15) The word "make" sounds like the family will be forced to live more comfortably, against their will "Allow" is a more appropriate word

(16) This should be simplified to "goes smoothly" to make it

idiomatically correct It's still too vague The writer would do even better

to express what she means by "go smoothly" by giving examples

Teacher Joe's Revised Essay

"Keys to Happiness"

Looking back on the first twenty years of my life, lived with passion, energy and enthusiasm, I feel grateful to have been so healthy and happy

I owe my happiness to so many people and lucky events, but there are three key, fundamental factors that have guided me and supported me in

my life Those three keys to life are my physical health, healthy finances, and my family's happiness

Health comes first for me, because without health everthing else is meaningless Imagine starting a career without good health Imagine starting a family without good health Imagine achieving anything

without good health Clearly, good health is a basic, fundamental

prerequisite for every other aspect of one's life

Good health is not enough to be happy We still need to have money in today's society Money obviously pays for the basic necessities of life - food, housing, clothing - but is also necessary for other reasons The amount of money we have at our disposal determines the quality of education we can receive Money guarantees we will always get adequate medical treatment if the need arises We can also use money for travel and other entertainment that can add to our quality of life

When we have both our health and healthy finances, we can turn our attention to the most important factor in having a happy life Family is the most important factor because it provides the love, joy and support that everybody needs I love my family with all my heart I get pleasure from their pleasure I suffer when they suffer My family helped me get through the tremendous pressure of entrance exams They consoled and advised me when I had misunderstandings with my friends More

importantly, they were there to share in my successes throughout the past twenty years

These three factors are all that I need and want in this world As long as I stay healthy, work hard to earn as much money as I can, and then use my

health and wealth to share both good times and bad times with my family, I will always be the happiest girl in the world

Student Composition:

Self confidence, you help me a lot

(See Corrections and Revised Composition Below.)

My friends often ask me the same question “why are you so (1) blithe all day?” I think the answer is simple - (2) it owns a great debt to self-confidence

(3) When it comes to self confidence, someone will call it (4) “conceited” and I guess it is, but it really makes me feel at ease (5) I am doing something

I still remember my first experience of an English Competition: 3 years ago, I was (6) singled out by

my classmates to take part in a Speaking-English competition When I went up to the stage, I had butterflies in my stomach All at once, my mother’s words came to me “If you want to do something with style, it costs nothing but self confidence.” Since I had the chance to stand here, it meant that I had the ability (7) “Restore to balance.” I said to myself “Don’t you forget that you have (8) drawn yourself in preparing this competition for a long time? You are the best.” Strangely, my nervousness vanished after I flattered myself I began to speak The feeling was wonderful All the (9) audiences applauded after my speech I was successful!

The self confidence helped me (10) win the success My courage and optimism are all based on it

We will be faced with different difficulties occasionally and unavoidably in the future If we come to terms with them, we are (11) bound to fail Taking it for granted that we are capable of handling them will (12) benefit to build up confidence and success

My friends, why not have self confidence? We are not (13) the most excellent, but we always do out best to achieve our aims, don’t we? Self confidence will add happiness (14) into our own lives

Joe's Comments

The writer's sentence structure is not too bad, so the message is communicated fairly effectively However, the misuse of many words and expressions sounds strange and is often confusing

(1) The word blithe is used today only in certain, limited expressions, and then mostly in written English, not spoken English The writer's friends will more likely say "carefree" Also, instead of "all day", the writer's friends probably mean "every day"

(2) The expression is "owe a debt", not "own"

(3) The whole phrase is unnecessary It would be better just to say "Some people may call self-confidence 'conceit'"

(4) The noun form is "conceit" In addition, it seems strange to say "someone will" It's a possibility, not a certainty, so "someone may" is better

(5) A clause connector is missing here Perhaps the writer meant to use "when I am doing

something" Also, "something" is too vague The writer could improve it by changing it to "when I

am trying to accomplish something" or "when I have a difficult task to face", etc

(6) "Be singled out" is a special expression that should be used only in special situations It gives the impression that something is either extremely good or extremely bad The simple word "chosen" is more appropriate

(7) "Restore to balance" has no meaning in English "Unbalanced" in English can mean "crazy", so I don't think it's safe to write something like "become balanced" "Balance yourself", on the other hand, sounds like a physical action A common expression used in American English under similar circumstances would be "Get a hold of yourself"

(8) I also can't imagine why the writer chose the expression "drawn yourself" Why not just "you have prepared for this competition"? Some students try to add unnecessary words in order to sound impressive, but often end up getting just the opposite result

(9) Obviously, "audience" is a non-count noun so the "s" is not needed

(10) I think I can understand what the writer means by "win the success" Probably the meaning is simply "succeed", although it's also possible the writer meant "win the competition"

(11) Writing "bound to fail" was probably a mistake made while the writer was tired The writer either meant "we are bound to succeed" or "if we do NOT come to terms with them, we are bound to fail"

(12) "Benefit to build up confidence and success" should be changed to simply "build confidence and lead to success"

(13) "We are not the most excellent" sounds a bit odd Again, we cannot be certain, so "We may not"

is better "Most excellent" should just be replaced by "best"

(14) The expression "add happiness into" is unnatural If the writer keeps the idea of "adding

happiness", then the word "in" instead of "into" is correct However, the whole expression could be made better For example, we could write "make our lives happier"

It seems the writer's self confidence is a double-edged sword Confidence can help us do more in our lives, but it can also lead to careless mistakes You should be confident, but also be a bit careful Then you will have the best of both worlds

Joe's Revised Essay

The Value of Self Confidence

My friends often ask me, "Joe, why are you so carefree all the time?" The answer is quite simple I owe my carefree attitude to self confidence Now, some people may say that self confidence is a form of conceit, and they may be right However, my self confidence allows me to feel relaxed no matter how difficult a task I face, so it is extremely valuable to me

I remember the first time I partipated in an English competition Three years ago, my classmates chose me to speak in an English competition at our school When I went onstage, I had butterflies in

my stomach Suddenly, my mother's words came back to me: "If you want to do something, it costs nothing but self confidence" Since I was chosen to be there, it meant I must have the ability to succeed "Get a hold of yourself", I said silently "You have prepared for this competition for the past three months You are the best" Strangely, my nervousness vanished after I spoke to myself with such confidence I began to speak onstage - the feeling was wonderful The whole audience applauded afterwards I was successful!

Without my self confidence, I could not have succeeded My courage and optimism are based on this self confidence Various difficulties will certainly come into our lives from time to time in the future

If we face those difficulties, if we come to terms with them, we are bound to succeed Knowing that

we are capable of handling any difficulty will build our confidence and lead to success

So, my friends, be confident! Even if you're not the best, it doesn't matter Don't you always do your best to achieve your aims? Of course you do That's enough to give you confidence, and confidence will make you happier

Student Composition:

Cooperation: the spirit of temporary society

Today, many people think competition is the key to success, but such thinking is out of date (1) Temporary society demands (2) us cooperate with others

(3) As we all know, the world economy is expected to continue (4) to remain prosper, but the

adverse effects of high oil price, vicious competition for strategic resources and the global pollution

are on the rise To overcome theses problems, countries must be mindful of all their relationships and act with integrity at all times The fight against HIV/AIDS, poverty and terrorism requires the participation of as many parties as possible The ability to build strong, collaborative relationships with other countries and areas will determine whether a nation evolves through time or is lost along the way

Today, information and knowledge are growing to the extent that no individual can master

everything Cooperation (5) makes us learn a lot of from each other Only by combining the

knowledge of many individuals can power be attained We individual will thrive on cooperative participation Related to the diversity that we possess, none of us is whole We need each other to fill

in our gaps Through cooperation we will acquire identity and friendship, which are the source of self-esteem and satisfaction in life

In order to succeed, we should learn to be flexible, supportive, and be willing to compromise in (6) proper time Each country and individual retains its independence, its specialty, and its core

competence Together we benefit from our cooperation

Teacher Joe's Comments

The sentences in this composition are mostly very well written Let's look at some small problems first:

(1) "Temporary" is something that is not permanent, in other words, something that will disappear soon The correct word is "contemporary" which basically means "now"

(2) This should be "demand that we cooperate"

(3) Many students write or say things at the wrong time Maybe it sounds impressive to write "As we all know" However, does everyone really know this? Personally, I am not so sure that the world economy will continue to prosper There are many people who doubt that the current growth is sustainable So, we do not "all know"

(4) Both "continue" and "remain" communicate the same basic idea We can say that the economy will "continue to prosper" or the economy "will remain prosperous"

(5) It would be better to write "Cooperation allows us to learn" "Cooperation makes us" sounds a bit violent! If we want to emphasize that we learn against our will when cooperate, or we learn in spite

of ourselves, then maybe we can write "Cooperation makes us" However, in this case we should provide specific examples to make our point clear

(6) I am not sure what the writer means by "proper time" Perhaps the meaning is "when necessary" Specific examples would make the meaning clear, but in this case, without specific examples, the reader cannot guess the writer's intention

In addition, there were a few tiny mistakes, such as "the global pollution", "theses problems", and

"we individual" These mistakes did not get in the way of communication and do not deserve special attention Try to eliminate such errors as much as possible, but pay more attention to successful communication first

Besides grammatical errors or word choice, there are also some problems with the content of this composition For one thing, the introduction is a bit too short The main idea could be better

developed (See revised composition below.)

There are too many general sentences in this composition The third paragraph, especially, would benefit from some specific examples to make it come to life Sentences such as, "We individual will thrive on cooperative participation" and "Related to the diversity that we possess, none of us is whole" are not at all necessary The same idea was expressed in the first sentence of the third

paragraph and should not be repeated

Finally, a strong conclusion can make the difference between a good composition and a great one This concluding paragraph is just a repetition of ideas from previous paragraphs Perhaps the writer could give us a vision for the future instead (See revised composition below.)

Joe's Revised Composition

Cooperation: the spirit of contemporary society Today, many people think competition is the key to success They pursue their own personal goals with no regard for the people around them I believe such thinking is out of date I believe

contemporary society, including society as a whole as well as individuals, demands that we

cooperate with others Real success will come when we grow together, rather than hold each other down

The world economy is expected to remain prosperous, at least into the near future However, the adverse effects of high oil prices, vicious competition for strategic resources and global pollution are

on the rise To overcome these problems, countries must be mindful of all their relationships and act with integrity at all times The fight against problems such as AIDS, poverty and terrorism requires cooperation Our own personal success is no different In order to succeed, we must cooperate to solve problems

Today, information and knowledge are growing to the extent that no individual can master

everything Cooperation allows us to learn from others When we combine the knowledge of many, companies can innovate, human beings can be sent into space, diseases can be conquered We need each other to fill in the gaps in our knowledge and understanding

By being flexible, supportive and willing to compromise, we will have more success in our lives and careers We can still retain our own independence, our unique natures, our core competencies, but through cooperation, we will expand our identities and develop stronger relationships These are, after all, the source of self-esteem and satisfaction in life

Student Composition 6:

An Unforgettable Experience

It happened many years ago, when I was a little girl I can neither remember the beginning nor the end , but whenever I think of the scene, my tears flowed freely (1) down my cheeks

When I was young, my family led a poor life in country (2) That evening (3), the weather was very bad, it rained cats and dogs (4) Just at the evening (5), my families (6) were on our way home Dad held me on his back, Mom held my elder brother’s hand, and held the only umbrella for Dad and me Dad gave his overcoat to my elder brother As you know (7), the road of country is difficult for people to walk, especially in rainy days However, they waded (8) together like this (9) in the rain But I wasn’t comfortable either I was fat at that time, perhaps it was hard for Dad to hold me for such a long time, for he had almost fallen down (10) for several times (11) In order to decrease the weight to Dad, tried to hold myself -just in mind, though it sounded funny and did nothing (12)

When we arrived home, the inner of our house was raining (13) too Rain dropped from the bad roof everywhere Mom put bowls and tubs at the right places for rain Then she put me and my elder brother on dry places of bed (14) I fell asleep soon When I opened my eyes, I found Dad and Mom were sleeping in chairs, they caught a bad cold

This is the earliest memory in my mind, and luckily, it is nothing but my parents’ love, I touched parents’ great love (15) for the first time Though the evening went away (16), and now we live a happy life, I won’t forget the rain we lived through together, the evening will stay in my mind forever

Comments:

The basic ideas of this composition are very clear and well-written It is well-organized and easy to read However, there are many small mistakes that could be improved As with most students' compositions, more specific details would have also made it much better

(1) "whenever I think of the scene, my tears flowed freely down my cheeks" "Whenever" means anytime, which could also be now or in the future, so we should use "flow" rather than the past tense

(2) "in country" This should be "in the country"

(3) "That evening" "That" refers back to a previously mentioned evening, but the writer didn't mention an evening before It would be better to write "One evening"