The Breakup Bible by Rachel Sussman potx

The Most Common Causes of Breakups or Divorces 134 10.. Every day women all over the world suffer from debilitating breakups or divorces.. I’m here to tell you that life does get better

Breakup

B I B L E

The Smart Woman’s Guide to Healing from a Breakup

or Divorce

Rachel A Sussman

Copyright © 2011 by Rachel Sussman

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press,

an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group,

a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

www.crownpublishing.com three rivers press and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

“Phenomenal Woman” from AND STILL I RISE by Maya Angelou, copyright © 1978 by Maya Angelou

Used by permission of Random House, Inc.

Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available from the

Library of Congress ISBN 978-0-307-88509-8

eISBN 978-0-307-88510-4 printed in the united states of america

Book design by Donna Sinisgalli Illustrations by randomway/Veer Cover design by Alison Forner

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 First Edition

C o n te n t s

Introduction xi

PART I

Healing

1. A Room of One’s Own: Finding Comfort in the Early Stages of Grief 3

2. Creating a Support System 15

3. Nourishing Your Body and Soul 32

4. Navigating the Emotional Roller Coaster 43

5. The Rules of Engagement 69

6. Breakups or Divorces Without Children 87

7. Breakups or Divorces with Children 100

PA RT I I

Understanding

8 Grasping the Root Causes of Your Breakup

or Divorce 119

9 The Most Common Causes of Breakups or Divorces 134

10 Why We Love Who We Love: Understanding Your Personal Love Map 162

11 My Story 200

PART III

Transformation

13 Creating the Best Life Ever 247

Conclusion 326

I n t ro d u c ti o n

If you have experienced the ending of a romantic relationship,

you are not alone Every day women all over the world suffer from

debilitating breakups or divorces In a split second the life you know

evaporates The pain can feel agonizing, all- encompassing, and

eter-nal Many describe that the actual breakup and ensuing weeks feel

like an out- of- body experience I often hear women exclaim, “This

can’t be happening to me!” Along with the suffering comes a roller

coaster of complex feelings: embedded grief, abandonment and fear,

guilt, monstrous rage I’ve witnessed completely healthy people

be-have insanely when they be-have been rejected

Right now you may be thinking that your life will never get bet-ter and that you can’t live without your ex I’m here to tell you that

life does get better, and not only can you live without him, but in

time you’ll see that it is even possible to thrive Thriving can entail

creating an entirely new and healthier life for yourself, including

regaining trust, self- confi dence, and love This book gives you the

evidence to believe that and the tools to make it happen So please

keep an open mind and allow me to lead you out of your sorrow

and into a much improved state

Through the process of loving and losing we have the capac-ity to learn tremendous life lessons When viewed wisely and with

insight we learn who we are as individuals and as partners We gain

knowledge about what we did correctly, and when we’re astute, we

learn where we erred We come away from the experience fuller and

wiser Although breakups can feel unbearable, we don’t die from

them The old adage “If it doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger”

is defi nitely true in this circumstance The most interesting humans

x i i I n t r o d u c t i o n

are multifaceted, having experienced pleasure and pain They have

survived, and so can you

Many factors inspired me to write this book Breakups and di-vorces are one of the biggest reasons that people come to me for

therapy Over the past several years I have witnessed the demise of

lengthy relationships affecting close friends, relatives, and clients

I was moved by their suffering, and incredibly inspired by their

strength as they slowly regained their lives and eventually

recov-ered I too am quite familiar with the unbearable sadness that comes

when a relationship ends Regrettably, I spent too many years

nurs-ing a continually broken heart after several failed long- term

rela-tionships I made decisions that weren’t always in my best interest,

that chipped away at my self- esteem, and that kept me in a state of

suspended melancholy Never once did I stop to evaluate my

behav-ior or see that there were other ways to live my life

One day a close male friend sat me down and said, “Rachel, you are such a great girl and have so much to offer I scratch my head

wondering why you are constantly dating toxic men when so many

nice guys ask you out I really hope you can fi gure this out, because

I am worried about you.” I trusted this friend—he was kind and

mature (the type of guy I never would have dated back then) and

we really understood each other After our talk, I suspected that I

had some issues that needed tending when it came to romance That

conversation was the catalyst for what eventually would become my

change and growth

I strongly believe that anyone can alter undesirable feelings and behaviors and completely turn his or her life around You simply

need two components: the wish for change and the motivation to do

something about it Sometimes it takes a crisis to get us to

contem-plate the opportunity for resurrection, and that’s how it happened

for me I committed to fi guring out what was interfering with my

ability to have a successful love connection I immediately stopped

dating and spent a solid year in counseling, meticulously examining

my entire life to search for answers As diffi cult as this work was (and

believe me, it was tough), I trusted that it was a huge chance for me

to come to a place of great understanding, strength, and growth My

I n t r o d u c t i o n x i i i

work eventually paid off and I was fi nally able to connect the dots

and see what had transpired in my earlier life that was driving my

less- than- stellar dating track record From that moment on, I fully

committed to an entirely new way of dating—and living I would

not be here today as a happily married woman—and an expert on

breakups and divorces—if I didn’t put in my time to take a revealing

look at myself and pledge to learning new and healthier behaviors

I am now going to take you on a journey to teach you everything

that I learned plus so much more I can’t wait to watch your sorrow

turn into spectacular growth, as did mine

Once I began my initial research for this book, I discovered a few common themes shared by the women I spoke to:

• They were ready to begin a journey of personal recovery, and requested the advice, tools, and support needed to make it happen

• They wanted an intelligent and realistic resource—such

as a book—for women that deals with both the emotional

havoc caused by the ending of a relationship and how to

recover and move on

• All were eager to hear tales about other women who had been through similar situations and recovered

I seriously pondered these valuable comments Women were

tell-ing me exactly what they were lacktell-ing and what resources they needed

to recover.

I started meeting with women who had been through diffi cult breakups or divorces and had survived their ordeals in impressive

ways I then started sharing their stories with others in earlier stages

of recovery Upon hearing these narratives, women reported feeling

comforted, validated, and vindicated One declared, “This is the fi rst

day I’ve felt better in months” after I read her a tale with similarities

to her own

I had identifi ed the power of shared experience Just as with addiction, sexual abuse, or physical illness, when a person who is

suffering hears from someone who has gone through what she’s

x i v I n t r o d u c t i o n

going through and has come out the other side, she feels understood

and encouraged She feels compassion and validation from a healing

community

Additionally, I discovered that the healing went full circle—

women were healed by both listening to stories and telling their

stories This is what you are about to experience with The Breakup

Bible Using the ancient art of storytelling, I created a community

for you to listen to others who have gone through experiences

simi-lar to your own This will allow you to feel validated, which will

expe-dite your healing Please allow yourself time to grieve, be comforted,

and be educated You’re welcome to become part of this kinship for

as long as you require it

Our Communi t y

It was of great importance to me to introduce you to a cast of

ex-emplary women who have made their share of mistakes, done their

work, learned their lessons, and fully recovered All of their stories

are genuine, yet some of their identities and personal facts have been

changed at their request Although all special in their own ways, just

like you, every woman who appears in this book has something

pro-found to offer I have learned so much from their stories, their

hard-ships, and their bravery—and I hope you will too They will tell you

their tales and leave you with anecdotes I think that you’ll see a bit

of yourself in each one, which will help to validate your own

per-sonal experience Each woman is at a different stage in the recovery

process—but all of their suffering has ended and they have moved

on Many proclaim to be leading their best life ever And one day, so

will you Please understand that these women are your sisters—they

are neither more nor less extraordinary than you Some may be a bit

further along in their recovery, but please use that knowledge to

mo-tivate and try not to get frustrated Remember that every woman’s

recovery runs along a spectrum, and your healing is unique to you

I have tried to make my community as inclusive as possible

I spoke with women from varied age groups, ethnicities,

socio-economic backgrounds, and sexual preferences Some have children,

I n t r o d u c t i o n x v

and others are childless I have discussed breakups with women who

were left by their signifi cant others, and those who did the breaking

up themselves There is a myth fl oating around that those who are

left experience more pain than those who leave This is a complete

untruth Please keep in mind that endings affect us all in profoundly

different ways

Some of you have lived through the catastrophe of infi delity, while others have gone outside of your relationship as a remedy for

the alienation you have endured from being with the wrong partner

If you discovered your partner’s infi delity, that reality is agonizing If

you desperately wanted to save your relationship and your ex had no

interest in that plan, that rejection is awful But it is equally horrid

to live day by day in a relationship where you feel misunderstood,

controlled, abused, or lonely, and you are petrifi ed of letting go out

of fear or the thought of causing irrevocable harm to your ex or

your innocent children Whether you have been abandoned by your

lover or were the one who ended your relationship—we are all in

this together No woman’s suffering is worse than the next one’s, it

is just different It is not for any one of us to judge who has it harder

or easier, because it is all messy and diffi cult We are a sisterhood

here—everyone is invited to read, learn, share, and participate

All that matters is that you are doing the work and giving your-self hugs and accolades along that way Just the fact that you are

reading this book proves so much If you are determined to recover,

rest assured, you will

How to Rea d Thi s B o o k

The Breakup Bible is divided into three sections: healing,

under-standing, and transformation—my unique and proven method for

recovery In the healing phase I will explain that proper healing is a

marathon, not a sprint I’ll encourage you to be patient with

your-self, to care for your body and soul, to build a cohesive support

sys-tem, and to navigate your emotions Understanding is a crucial phase

that is typically omitted or minimized in books on this topic In

this phase we will explore and eventually uncover the psychological

x v i I n t r o d u c t i o n

ramifi cations of your relationship choices, patterns, and ultimately,

your breakup Doing this work and “owning” the implications of

what you discover is the only closure you will ever need!

Under-standing also introduces you to many new concepts including the

creation of a “Personal Love Map.” Your Personal Love Map was

formed the moment you were born Deciphering your map reveals

why you chose your lover, how you behaved in the relationship, and

how you mourned your loss With your emotions in check, and a

full understanding of your breakup under your belt, you are ready

to be launched into your new life This is the premise behind the

transformation phase.

In each chapter, I will give you important information and use-ful tools that will allow you to experience your breakup and the

more challenging aspects of your recovery in healthy and

produc-tive ways Each chapter builds upon the preceding one At the end

of each chapter, I offer a review list that can easily be called upon

whenever you need a refresher course Feel free to read each chapter

or favorite sections over and over again It may also be helpful for

you to read with some sticky notes, markers, or a notebook/journal

next to you This book is designed to be a focused and interactive

solution—I want you to dig deep, question yourself, and take notes

If you take your time, keep an open mind, do the reading and exercises, and follow the plan, you will recover You will also emerge

armed with new insight and confi dence, which will enable you to

make better and healthier choices in the future This book is about

hope You will heal You will survive You will thrive and move on to

live your best life yet