A fool and his money

MYSELF I am quite sure it was my Uncle Rilas who said that I was a fool.. Sheseemed to be repeating my Uncle Rilas, although I am quite sure she had neverheard of him.. In the first plac

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A FOOL AND HIS MONEY

CONTENTS

CHAPTER I — I MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELFCHAPTER II — I DEFEND MY PROPERTY

CHAPTER XIV — I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HEROCHAPTER XV — I TRAVERSE THE NIGHT

CHAPTER XVI — I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE

CHAPTER XX — I CHANGE GARDEN SPOTS

CHAPTER XXI — SHE PROPOSES

MYSELF

I am quite sure it was my Uncle Rilas who said that I was a fool If memoryserves me well he relieved himself of that conviction in the presence of mymother—whose brother he was—at a time when I was least competent to

acknowledge his wisdom and most arrogant in asserting my own I was a

freshman in college: a fact—or condition, perhaps,—which should serve as anexcuse for both of us I possessed another uncle, incidentally, and while I amnow convinced that he must have felt as Uncle Rilas did about it, he was one ofthose who suffer in silence The nearest he ever got to openly resenting me as afreshman was when he admitted, as if it were a crime, that he too had been incollege and knew less when he came out than when he entered Which was amild way of putting it, I am sure, considering the fact that he remained there fortwenty-three years as a distinguished member of the faculty

I assume, therefore, that it was Uncle Rilas who orally convicted me, anassumption justified to some extent by putting two and two together after thepoor old gentleman was laid away for his long sleep He had been very emphatic

in his belief that a fool and his money are soon parted Up to the time of hisdeath I had been in no way qualified to dispute this ancient theory In theory, nodoubt, I was the kind of fool he referred to, but in practice I was quite an untriednovice It is very hard for even a fool to part with something he hasn't got True,

I parted with the little I had at college with noteworthy promptness about themiddle of each term, but that could hardly have been called a fair test for theadage Not until Uncle Rilas died and left me all of his money was I able todemonstrate that only dead men and fools part with it The distinction lies in thecapacity for enjoyment while the sensation lasts Dead men part with it becausethey have to, fools because they want to

In any event, Uncle Rilas did not leave me his money until my freshman dayswere far behind me, wherein lies the solace that he may have outgrown anopinion while I was going through the same process At twenty-three I confessed

that all freshmen were insufferable, and immediately afterward took my degree

and went out into the world to convince it that seniors are by no meansadolescent Having successfully passed the age of reason, I too felt myself

admirably qualified to look with scorn upon all creatures employed in thebusiness of getting an education There were times when I wondered how onearth I could have stooped so low as to be a freshman I still have the disquietingfear that my uncle did not modify his opinion of me until I was thoroughly overbeing a senior You will note that I do not say he changed his opinion Modify isthe word.

His original estimate of me, as a freshman, of course,—was uttered when I, atthe age of eighteen, picked out my walk in life, so to speak After consideringeverything, I decided to be a literary man A novelist or a playwright, I hadn'tmuch of a choice between the two, or perhaps a journalist Being a journalist, ofcourse, was preliminary; a sort of makeshift At any rate, I was going to be awriter My Uncle Rilas, a hard-headed customer who had read Scott as a boy andthe Wall Street news as a man,—without being misled by either,—was scornful

He said that I would outgrow it, there was some consolation in that He evenadmitted that when he was seventeen he wanted to be an actor There you are,said he! I declared there was a great difference between being an actor and being

a writer Only handsome men can be actors, while I—well, by nature I wasdoomed to be nothing more engaging than a novelist, who doesn't have to spoil

an illusion by showing himself in public

Besides, I argued, novelists make a great deal of money, and playwrights too,for that matter He said in reply that an ordinarily vigorous washerwoman couldmake more money than the average novelist, and she always had a stockingwithout a hole to keep it in, which was more to the point

Now that I come to think of it, it was Uncle Rilas who oracularly prejudged

me, and not Uncle John, who was by way of being a sort of literary chap himselfand therefore lamentably unqualified to guide me in any course whatsoever,especially as he had all he could do to keep his own wolf at bay withoutencouraging mine, and who, besides teaching good English, loved it wisely andtoo well I think Uncle Rilas would have held Uncle John up to me as anexample,—a scarecrow, you might say,—if it hadn't been for the fact that heloved him in spite of his English He must have loved me in spite of mine

My mother felt in her heart that I ought to be a doctor or a preacher, but shewasn't mean: she was positive I could succeed as a writer if I set my mind to it.She was also sure that I could be President of the United States or perhaps even aBishop We were Episcopalian

When I was twenty-seven my first short story appeared in a magazine ofconsiderable weight, due to its advertising pages, but my Uncle Rilas didn't read

it until I had convinced him that the honorarium amounted to three hundreddollars Even then I was obliged to promise him a glimpse of the check when Igot it Somewhat belated, it came in the course of three or four months with arather tart letter in which I was given to understand that it wasn't quite the thing

to pester a great publishing house with queries of the kind I had been sopersistent in propounding But at last Uncle Rilas saw the check and wasproperly impressed He took back what he said about the washerwoman, butgave me a little further advice concerning the stocking

In course of time my first novel appeared It was a love story Uncle Rilas readthe first five chapters and then skipped over to the last page Then he began it allover again and sat up nearly all night to finish it The next day he called it

"trash" but invited me to have luncheon with him at the Metropolitan Club, andrather noisily introduced me to a few old cronies of his, who were notsufficiently interested in me to enquire what my name was—a trifling detail he

had overlooked in presenting me as his nephew—but who did ask me to have a

drink

A month later, he died He left me a fortune, which was all the morestaggering in view of the circumstance that had seen me named for my UncleJohn and not for him

It was not long afterward that I made a perfect fool of myself by falling inlove It turned out very badly I can't imagine what got into me to want tocommit bigamy after I had already proclaimed myself to be irrevocably wedded

to my profession Nevertheless, I deliberately coveted the experience, and wouldhave attained to it no doubt had it not been for the young woman in the case Shewould have none of me, but with considerable independence of spirit and, I mustsay, noteworthy acumen, elected to wed a splendid looking young fellow whoclerked in a jeweller's shop in Fifth Avenue They had been engaged for severalyears, it seems, and my swollen fortune failed to disturb her sense of fidelity.Perhaps you will be interested enough in a girl who could refuse to share afortune of something like three hundred thousand dollars—(not counting me, ofcourse)—to let me tell you briefly who and what she was She was my typist.That is to say, she did piece-work for me as I happened to provide substance forher active fingers to work upon when she wasn't typing law briefs in the regularsort of grind Not only was she an able typist, but she was an exceedinglywholesome, handsome and worthy young woman I think I came to like her with

Unfortunately she loved the jeweller's clerk She tried to convince me, with asweetness I shall never forget, that she was infinitely better suited to be ajeweller's wife than to be a weight upon the neck of a genius Moreover, when Ifoolishly mentioned my snug fortune as an extra inducement, she put me smartly

in my place by remarking that fortunes like wine are made in a day while reallyexcellent jeweller's clerks are something like thirty years in the making Which, Itake it, was as much as to say that there is always room for improvement in aman I confess I was somewhat disturbed by one of her gentlest remarks Sheseemed to be repeating my Uncle Rilas, although I am quite sure she had neverheard of him She argued that the fortune might take wings and fly away, andthen what would be to pay! Of course, it was perfectly clear to me, stupid as Imust have been, that she preferred the jeweller's clerk to a fortune

I was loth to lose her as a typist The exact point where I appear to have made

a fool of myself was when I first took it into my head that I could makesomething else of her I not only lost a competent typist, but I lost a great deal ofsleep, and had to go abroad for awhile, as men do when they find out unpleasantthings about themselves in just that way

I gave her as a wedding present a very costly and magnificent dining-roomset, fondly hoping that the jeweller's clerk would experience a great deal oftrouble in living up to it At first I had thought of a Marie Antoinette bedroomset, but gave it up when I contemplated the cost

If you will pardon me, I shall not go any further into this lamentable loveaffair I submit, in extenuation, that people do not care to be regaled with theheartaches of past affairs; they are only interested in those which appear to be inthe process of active development or retrogression Suffice to say, I was terriblycut up over the way my first serious affair of the heart turned out, and tried mybest to hate myself for letting it worry me Somehow I was able to attribute thefiasco to an inborn sense of shyness that has always made me faint-hearted,dilatory and unaggressive No doubt if I had gone about it roughshod and fiery Icould have played hob with the excellent jeweller's peace of mind, to say theleast, but alas! I succeeded only in approaching at a time when there was nothingleft for me to do but to start him off in life with a mild handicap in the shape of adining-room set that would not go with anything else he had in the apartment

Still, some men, no matter how shy and procrastinating they may be—orreluctant, for that matter—are doomed to have love affairs thrust upon them, asyou will perceive if you follow the course of this narrative to the bitter end.

In order that you may know me when you see me struggling through thesepages, as one might struggle through a morass on a dark night, I shall take theliberty of describing myself in the best light possible under the circumstances

I am a tallish sort of person, moderately homely, and not quite thirty-five I amstrong but not athletic Whatever physical development I possess was acquiredthrough the ancient and honourable game of golf and in swimming In both ofthese sports I am quite proficient My nose is rather long and inquisitive, and mychin is considered to be singularly firm for one who has no ambition to become ahero My thatch is abundant and quite black I understand that my eyes are greenwhen I affect a green tie, light blue when I put on one of that delicate hue, andcuriously yellow when I wear brown about my neck Not that I really need them,but I wear nose glasses when reading: to save my eyes, of course I sometimeswear them in public, with a very fetching and imposing black band drapingacross my expanse of shirt front I find this to be most effective when sitting in abox at the theatre My tailor is a good one I shave myself clean with an old-fashioned razor and find it to be quite safe and tractable My habits areconsidered rather good, and I sang bass in the glee club So there you are Notquite what yon would call a lady killer, or even a lady's man, I fancy you'll say.You will be surprised to learn, however, that secretly I am of a ratherromantic, imaginative turn of mind Since earliest childhood I have consortedwith princesses and ladies of high degree,—mentally, of course,—and my bosomcompanions have been knights of valour and longevity Nothing could havesuited me better than to have been born in a feudal castle a few centuries ago,from which I should have sallied forth in full armour on the slightest provocationand returned in glory when there was no one left in the neighbourhood toprovoke me

Even now, as I make this astounding statement, I can't help thinking of thatconfounded jeweller's clerk At thirty-five I am still unattached and, so far as Ican tell, unloved What more could a sensible, experienced bachelor expect thanthat? Unless, of course, he aspired to be a monk or a hermit, in which case hereasonably could be sure of himself if not of others

Last winter in London my mother went to a good bit of trouble to set my cap

for a lady who seemed in every way qualified to look after an only son as heshould be looked after from a mother's point of view, and I declare to you I had awretchedly close call of it My poor mother, thinking it was quite settled, sailedfor America, leaving me entirely unprotected, whereupon I succeeded in making

my escape Heaven knows I had no desperate longing to visit Palestine at thatparticular time, but I journeyed thither without a qualm of regret, and therebyavoided the surrender without love or honour

For the past year I have done little or no work My books are few and farbetween, so few in fact that more than once I have felt the sting of dilettantisminflicting my labours with more or less increasing sharpness It is not for me tosay that I despise a fortune, but I am constrained to remark that I believe povertywould have been a fairer friend to me At any rate I now pamper myself to anunreasonable extent For one thing, I feel that I cannot work,—much less think,

—when opposed by distracting conditions such as women, tea, disputes overluggage, and things of that sort They subdue all the romantic tendencies I am soparsimonious about wasting My best work is done when the madding crowd isfar from me Hence I seek out remote, obscure places when I feel the plotboiling, and grind away for dear life with nothing to distract me save anunconquerable habit acquired very early in life which urges me to eat threemeals a day and to sleep nine hours out of twenty-four

A month ago, in Vienna, I felt the plot breaking out on me, very much as themeasles do, at a most inopportune time for everybody concerned, and mysecretary, more wide-awake than you'd imagine by looking at him, urged me tocoddle the muse while she was willing and not to put her off till an evil day, asfrequently I am in the habit of doing

It was especially annoying, coming as it did, just as I was about to set off for afortnight's motor-boat trip up the Danube with Elsie Hazzard and her stupidhusband, the doctor I compromised with myself by deciding to give them aweek of my dreamy company, and then dash off to England where I could workoff the story in a sequestered village I had had in mind for some time past

The fourth day of our delectable excursion brought us to an ancient townwhose name you would recall in an instant if I were fool enough to mention it,and where we were to put up for the night On the crest of a stupendous cragoverhanging the river, almost opposite the town, which isn't far from Krems,stood the venerable but unvenerated castle of that highhanded old robber baron,the first of the Rothhoefens He has been in his sarcophagus these six centuries, I

am advised, but you wouldn't think so to look at the stronghold At a glance youcan almost convince yourself that he is still there, with battle-axe and broad-sword, and an inflamed eye at every window in the grim facade.

We picked up a little of its history while in the town, and the next morningcrossed over to visit the place Its antiquity was considerably enhanced by thepresence of a caretaker who would never see eighty again, and whose wife waseven older Their two sons lived with them in the capacity of loafers and, asthings go in these rapid times of ours, appeared to be even older and more serethan their parents

It is a winding and tortuous road that leads up to the portals of this huge oldpile, and I couldn't help thinking how stupid I have always been in execrating thespirit of progress that conceives the funicular and rack-and-pinion railroadswhich serve to commercialise grandeur instead of protecting it Half way up thehill, we paused to rest, and I quite clearly remember growling that if theconfounded thing belonged to me I'd build a funicular or install an elevatorwithout delay Poor Elsie was too fatigued to say what she ought to have said to

me for suggesting and even insisting on the visit

The next day, instead of continuing our delightful trip down the river, we threewere scurrying to Saalsburg, urged by a sudden and stupendous whim on mypart, and filled with a new interest in life

I had made up my mind to buy the castle!

The Hazzards sat up with me nearly the whole of the night, trying to talk meout of the mad design, but all to no purpose I was determined to be the sort offool that Uncle Rilas referred to when he so frequently quoted the old adage Myonly argument in reply to their entreaties was that I had to have a quiet,inspirational place in which to work and besides I was quite sure we could beatthe impoverished owner down considerably in the price, whatever it might turnout to be While the ancient caretaker admitted that it was for sale, he couldn'tgive me the faintest notion what it was expected to bring, except that it ought tobring more from an American than from any one else, and that he would beproud and happy to remain in my service, he and his wife and his prodigiouslycapable sons, either of whom if put to the test could break all the bones in abullock without half trying, Moreover, for such strong men, they ate very littleand seldom slept, they were so eager to slave in the interests of the master Weall agreed that they looked strong enough, but as they were sleeping with some

we could only infer that they were making up for at least a week of insomnia

I had no difficulty whatever in striking a bargain with the abandoned wretchwho owned the Schloss He seemed very eager to submit to my demand that heknock off a thousand pounds sterling, and we hunted up a notary and all theother officials necessary to the transfer of property At the end of three days, Iwas the sole owner and proprietor of a feudal stronghold on the Danube, and thejoyous Austrian was a little farther on his way to the dogs, a journey he had beennegotiating with great ardour ever since coming into possession of an estate oncevalued at several millions I am quite sure I have never seen a spendthrift withmore energy than this fellow seems to have displayed in going through with hispatrimony He was on his uppers, so to speak, when I came to his rescue, solelybecause he couldn't find a purchaser or a tenant for the castle, try as he would.Afterwards I heard that he had offered the place to a syndicate of Jews for one-third the price I paid, but luckily for me the Hebraic instinct was not so keen asmine They let a very good bargain get away from them I have not told my mostintimate friends what I paid for the castle, but they are all generous enough toadmit that I could afford it, no matter what it cost me Their generosity stopsthere, however I have never had so many unkind things said to me in all my life

as have been said about this purely personal matter

Well, to make the story short, the Hazzards and I returned to SchlossRothhoefen in some haste, primarily for the purpose of inspecting it fromdungeon to battlement I forgot to mention that, being very tired after the climb

up the steep, we got no further on our first visit than the great baronial hall, thedining-room and certain other impressive apartments customarily kept open forthe inspection of visitors An interesting concession on the part of the late owner(the gentleman hurrying to catch up with the dogs that had got a bit of a start onhim),—may here be mentioned He included all of the contents of the castle forthe price paid, and the deed, or whatever you call it, specifically set forth that I,John Bellamy Smart, was the sole and undisputed owner of everything the castleheld This made the bargain all the more desirable, for I have never seen a morebeautiful assortment of antique furniture and tapestry in Fourth Avenue than was

to be found in Schloss Rothhoefen

Our second and more critical survey of the lower floors of the castle revealedrather urgent necessity for extensive repairs and refurbishing, but I was notdismayed With a blithesome disregard for expenses, I despatched Rudolph, theelder of the two sons to Linz with instructions to procure artisans who could be

depended upon to undo the ravages of time to a certain extent and who mighteven suggest a remedy for leaks.

My friends, abhorring rheumatism and like complaints, refused to sleep overnight in the drafty, almost paneless structure They came over to see me on theensuing day and begged me to return to Vienna with them But, full of theproject in hand, I would not be moved With the house full of carpenters,blacksmiths, masons, locksmiths, tinsmiths, plumbers, plasterers, glaziers,joiners, scrub-women and chimneysweeps, I felt that I couldn't go away andleave it without a controlling influence

They promised to come and make me a nice short visit, however, after I'd gotthe castle primped up a bit: the mould off the walls of the bedrooms and thegreat fireplaces thoroughly cleared of obstructive swallows' nests, the beds airedand the larder stocked Just as they were leaving, my secretary and my valet put

in an appearance, having been summoned from Vienna the day before I confess

I was glad to see them The thought of spending a second night in that limitlessbed-chamber, with all manner of night-birds trying to get in at the windows, wasrather disturbing, and I welcomed my retainers with open arms

My first night had been spent in a huge old bed, carefully prepared foroccupancy by Herr Schmick's frau; and the hours, which never were so dark, intrying to fathom the infinite space that reached above me to the vaulted ceiling Iknew there was a ceiling, for I had seen its beams during the daylight hours, but

to save my soul I couldn't imagine anything so far away as it seemed to be afterthe candles had been taken away by the caretaker's wife, who had tucked meaway in the bed with ample propriety and thoroughness combined

My secretary is a youngish man with thin, stooping shoulders and a habit ofperpetually rubbing his knees together when he walks I shudder to think of what

"It is something of a climb, isn't it?" said I beamingly

"In the name of heaven, Mr Smart, what could have induced you to—" He got

no farther than this, and to my certain knowledge this unfinished reproof was thenearest he ever came to openly convicting me of asininity

"Make yourself at home, old fellow," said I in some haste I felt sorry for him

"We are going to be very cosy here."

"Cosy?" murmured he, blinking as he looked up, not at me but at the frowningwalls that seemed to penetrate the sky

"I haven't explored those upper regions," I explained nervously, divining histhoughts "We shall do it together, in a day or two."

"It looks as though it might fall down if we jostled it carelessly," he remarked,having recovered his breath

"I am expecting masons at any minute," said I, contemplating the unstablestone crest of the northeast turret with some uneasiness My face brightenedsuddenly "That particular section of the castle is uninhabitable, I am told Itreally doesn't matter if it collapses Ah, Britton! Here you are, I see Goodmorning."

Britton, a very exacting servant, looked me over critically

"Your coat and trousers need pressing, sir," said he "And where am I to getthe hot water for shaving, sir?"

"Frau Schmick will supply anything you need, Britton," said I, happy on beingable to give the information

"It is not I as needs it, sir," said he, feeling of his smoothly shaven chin

"Come in and have a look about the place," said I, with a magnificent sweep

of my arm to counteract the feeling of utter insignificance I was experiencing atthe moment I could see that my faithful retinue held me in secret but politedisdain

A day or two later the castle was swarming with workmen; the banging of

hammers, the rasp of saws, the spattering of mortar, the crashing of stone and thefumes of charcoal crucibles extended to the remotest recesses; the tower ofBabel was being reconstructed in the language of six or eight nations, andeverybody was happy I had no idea there were so many tinsmiths in the world.Every artisan in the town across the river seems to have felt it his duty to comeover and help the men from Linz in the enterprise There were so many of themthat they were constantly getting in each other's way and quarrelling over matters

of jurisdiction with even more spirit than we might expect to encounter amongthe labour unions at home

Poopendyke, in great distress of mind, notified me on the fourth day ofrehabilitation that the cost of labour as well as living had gone up appreciablysince our installation In fact it had doubled He paid all of my bills, so I suppose

he knew what he was talking about

"You will be surprised to know, Mr Smart," he said, consulting his sheets,

"that scrub-women are getting more here than they do in New York City, and I

am convinced that there are more scrub-women Today we had thirty new onesscrubbing the loggia on the gun-room floor, and they all seem to haveapprentices working under them The carpenters and plasterers were not sonumerous to-day I paid them off last night, you see It may interest you to hearthat their wages for three days amounted to nearly seven hundred dollars in ourmoney, to say nothing of materials—and breakage."

"Breakage?" I exclaimed in surprise

"Yes, sir, breakage They break nearly as much as they mend We'll—we'll gobankrupt, sir, if we're not careful."

"By the way, old man Schmick and his family haven't been paid for nearly twoyears They have put in a claim The late owner assured them they'd get theirmoney from the next—"

"Discharge them at once," said I

"We can't get on without them," protested he "They know the ropes, so tospeak, and, what's more to the point, they know all the keys Yesterday I wasnearly two hours in getting to the kitchen for a conference with Mrs Schmickabout the market-men In the first place, I couldn't find the way, and in thesecond place all the doors are locked."

"Please send Herr Schmick to me in the—in the—" I couldn't recall the name

of the administration chamber at the head of the grand staircase, so I wascompelled to say: "I'll see him here."

"If we lose them we also are lost," was his sententious declaration I believedhim

On the fifth day of our occupancy, Britton reported to me that he had devised

a plan by which we could utilise the tremendous horse-power represented by themuscles of those lazy giants, Rudolph and Max He suggested that we rig up ahuge windlass at the top of the incline, with stout steel cables attached to a smallcar which could be hauled up the cliff by a hitherto wasted human energy, and asreadily lowered It sounded feasible and I instructed him to have theextraordinary railway built, but to be sure that the safety device clutches in thecog wheels were sound and trusty It would prove to be an infinitely moregraceful mode of ascending the peak than riding up on the donkeys I had beenpersuaded to buy, especially for Poopendyke and me, whose legs were so longthat when we sat in the saddles our knees either touched our chins or werespread out so far that we resembled the Prussian coat-of-arms

That evening, after the workmen had filed down the steep looking for all theworld like an evacuating army, I sought a few moments of peace and quiet in thesmall balcony outside my bedroom windows My room was in the western wing

of the castle, facing the river The eastern wing mounted even higher than theone in which we were living, and was topped by the loftiest watch tower of themall We had not attempted to do any work over in that section as yet, for thesimple reason that Herr Schmick couldn't find the keys to the doors

The sun was disappearing beyond the highlands and a cool, soft breeze swept

up through the valley I leaned back in a comfortable chair that Britton hadselected for me, and puffed at my pipe, not quite sure that my serenity was real

or assumed This was all costing me a pretty penny Was I, after all, parting with

my money in the way prescribed for fools? Was all this splendid antiquity worththe—

My reflections terminated sharply at that critical instant and I don't believe Iever felt called upon after that to complete the inquiry

I found myself staring as if stupefied at the white figure of a woman whostood in the topmost balcony of the eastern wing, fully revealed by the last glow

of the sun and apparently as deep in dreams as I had been the instant before

For ten minutes I stood there staring up at her, completely bewildered and not

a little shaken My first thought had been of ghosts, but it was almost instantlydispelled by a significant action on the part of the suspected wraith She turned

to whistle over her shoulder, and to snap her fingers peremptorily, and then shestooped and picked up a rather lusty chow dog which promptly barked at meacross the intervening space, having discovered me almost at once although Iwas many rods away and quite snugly ensconced among the shadows The lady

in white muzzled him with her hand and I could almost imagine I heard herreproving whispers After a few minutes, she apparently forgot the dog and liftedher hand to adjust something in her hair He again barked at me, quiteferociously for a chow This time it was quite plain to her that he was not barking

at the now shadowy moon She peered over the stone balustrade and an instantlater disappeared from view through the high, narrow window

Vastly exercised, I set out in quest of Herr Schmick, martialing Poopendyke as

I went along, realising that I would have to depend on his German, which wasless halting than mine and therefore, more likely to dovetail with that of theSchmicks, neither of whom spoke German because they loved it but becausethey had to,—being Austrians We found the four Schmicks in the vast kitchen,watching Britton while he pressed my trousers on an oak table so large that thecastle must have been built around it

Herr Schmick was weighted down with the keys of the castle, which never lefthis possession day or night

"Herr Schmick," said I, "will you be so good as to inform me who the dickensthat woman is over in the east wing of the castle?"

"Woman, mein herr?" He almost dropped his keys His big sons saidsomething to each other that I couldn't quite catch, but it sounded very much like

"der duyvil."

"A woman in a white dress,—with a dog."

"A dog?" he cried "But, mein herr, dogs are not permitted to be in the castle."

"Heaven defend us, sir! It must have been the ghost of—"

"Ghost, your granny!" I cried, relapsing into English "Please don't beat aboutthe bush, Mr Schmick She's over there in the unused wing, which I haven't beenallowed to penetrate in spite of the fact that it belongs to me You say you can'tfind the keys to that side of the castle Will you explain how it is that it is open tostrange women and—and dogs?"

"You must be mistaken, mein herr," he whined abjectly "She cannot be there.She—Ah, I have it! It may have been my wife Gretel! Have you been in the east

—"

"Nonsense!" I cried sharply "This won't do, Mr Schmick Give me that bunch

of keys We'll investigate I can't have strange women gallivanting about theplace as if they owned it This is no trysting place for Juliets, Herr Schmick.We'll get to the bottom of this at once Here, you Rudolph, fetch a couple of

lanterns Max, get a sledge or two from the forge There is a forge I saw it

yesterday out there back of the stables So don't try to tell me there isn't one If

we can't unlock the doors, we'll smash 'em in They're mine, and I'll knock 'em tosmithereens if I feel like it."

The four Schmicks wrung their hands and shook their heads and, then,repairing to the scullery, growled and grumbled for fully ten minutes beforedeciding to obey my commands In the meantime, I related my experience toPoopendyke and Britton

"That reminds me, sir," said Britton, "that I found a rag-doll in the courtyardyesterday, on that side of the building, sir—I should say castle, sir."

"I am quite sure I heard a baby crying the second night we were here, Mr.Smart," said my secretary nervously

"And there was smoke coming from one of the back chimney pots thismorning," added Britton

I was thoughtful for a moment "What became of the rag-doll, Britton?" Ienquired shrewdly

"I turned it over to old Schmick, sir," said he He grinned "I thought as maybe

it belonged to one of his boys."

"I know nothing, I know nothing," he mumbled, and I could see that he wasmiserably upset His sons towered and glowered and his wife wrapped andunwrapped her hands in her apron, all the time supplicating heaven to be good tothe true and the faithful

From what I could gather, they all seemed to be more disturbed over the factthat my hallucination included a dog than by the claim that I had seen a woman

"But, confound you, Schmick," I cried in some heat, "it barked at me."

"Gott in himmel!" they all cried, and, to my surprise, the old woman burst intotears

"It is bad to dream of a dog," she wailed "It means evil to all of us Evil to—"

"Come!" said I, grabbing the keys from the old man's unresisting hand "And,Schmick, if that dog bites me, I'll hold you personally responsible Do youunderstand?"

Two abreast we filed through the long, vaulted halls, Rudolph carrying agigantic lantern and Max a sledge We traversed extensive corridors, mountedtortuous stairs and came at length to the sturdy oak door that separated the eastwing from the west: a huge, formidable thing strengthened by many cross-piecesand studded with rusty bolt-heads Padlocks as large as horse-shoes, corroded byrust and rendered absolutely impracticable by age, confronted us

"I have not the keys," said old Conrad Schmick sourly "This door has notbeen opened in my time It is no use."

"It is no use," repeated his grizzly sons, leaning against the mouldy walls withweary tolerance

"Then how did the woman and her dog get into that part of the castle?" Idemanded "Tell me that!"

They shook their heads, almost compassionately, as much as to say, "It isalways best to humour a mad man."

"And the baby," added Poopendyke, turning up his coat collar to protect histhin neck from the draft that smote us from the halls

Max looked stupidly at his father and the old man looked at his wife, and thenall four of them looked at me, almost imploringly

"Why destroy a perfectly good padlock, mein herr?" began Max, twirling thesledge in his hand as if it were a bamboo cane

"Hi! Look out there!" gasped Britton, in some alarm "Don't let that thingslip!"

"Doesn't this castle belong to me?" I demanded, considerably impressed bythe ease with which he swung the sledge A very dangerous person, I began toperceive

"It does, mein herr," shouted all of them gladly, and touched their forelocks

"Everything is yours," added old Conrad, with a comprehensive sweep of hishand that might have put the whole universe in my name

"Smash that padlock, Max," I said after a second's hesitation

"I'll bet he can't do it," said Britton, ingeniously

Very reluctantly Max bared his great arms, spit upon his hands, and, with apitiful look at his parents, prepared to deal the first blow upon the ancientpadlock The old couple turned their heads away, and put their fingers to theirears, cringing like things about to be whipped

"Now, one—two—three!" cried I, affecting an enthusiasm I didn't feel

The sledge fell upon the padlock and rebounded with almost equal force Thesound of the crash must have disturbed every bird and bat in the towers of thegrim old pile But the padlock merely shed a few scabs of rust and rattled backinto its customary repose

"See!" cried Max, triumphantly "It cannot be broken." Rudolph, his broadface beaming, held the lantern close to the padlock and showed me that it hadn'tbeen dented by the blow

"It is a very fine lock," cried old Conrad, with a note of pride in his voice

I began to feel some pride in the thing myself "It is, indeed," I said "Try oncemore, Max."

"See here," I exclaimed, facing them angrily, "what does all this mean? Youare deceiving me, all of you Now, let's have the truth—every word of it—or outyou go to-morrow, the whole lot of you I insist on knowing who that woman is,why she is here in my hou—my castle, and—everything, do you understand?"Apparently they didn't understand, for they looked at me with all the stupiditythey could command

"You try, Mr Poopendyke," I said, giving it up in despair He sought toimprove on my German, but I think he made it worse They positively refused to

be intelligent

"Give me the hammer," I said at last in desperation Max surrendered theclumsy, old-fashioned instrument with a grin and I motioned for them all tostand back Three successive blows with all the might I had in my body failed toshatter the lock, whereupon my choler rose to heights hitherto unknown, I being

a very mild-mannered, placid person and averse to anything savouring of thetempestuous I delivered a savage and resounding thwack upon the broad oakpanel of the door, regardless of the destructiveness that might attend the effort Ifany one had told me that I couldn't splinter an oak board with a sledge-hammer

at a single blow I should have laughed in his face But as it turned out in thiscase I not only failed to split the panel but broke off the sledge handle near thehead, putting it wholly out of commission for the time being as well as stinging

my hands so severely that I doubled up with pain and shouted words that DameSchmick could not put into her prayers

The Schmicks fairly glowed with joy! Afterwards Max informed me that thedoor was nearly six inches thick and often had withstood the assaults of hugebattering rams, back in the dim past when occasion induced the primal baron toseek safety in the east wing, which, after all, appears to have been the real,simon pure fortress The west wing was merely a setting for festal amenities andwas by no means feudal in its aspect or appeal Here, as I came to know, the oldbarons received their friends and feasted them and made merry with the flagonand the horn of plenty; here the humble tithe payer came to settle his dues withgold and silver instead of with blood; here the little barons and baronessesromped and rioted with childish glee; and here the barons grew fat and gross and

soggy with laziness and prosperity, and here they died in stupid quiescence Onthe other side of that grim, staunch old door they simply went to the otherextreme in every particular There they killed their captives, butchered theirenemies, and sometimes died with the daggers of traitors in their shiveringbacks.

As we trudged back to the lower halls, defeated but none the less impressed

by our failure to devastate our stronghold, I was struck by the awful barrenness

of the surroundings There suddenly came over me the shocking realisation: the

"contents" of the castle, as set forth rather vaguely in the bill of sale, were notwhat I had been led to consider them It had not occurred to me at the time of thetransaction to insist upon an inventory, and I had been too busy since thebeginning of my tenancy to take more than a passing account of my belongings

In excusing myself for this rather careless oversight, I can only say that duringdaylight hours the castle was so completely stuffed with workmen and theirqueer utensils that I couldn't do much in the way of elimination, and by night itwas so horribly black and lonesome about the place and the halls were so litteredwith tools and mops and timber that it was extremely hazardous to go prowlingabout, so I preferred to remain in my own quarters, which were quitecomfortable and cosy in spite of the distance between points of convenience.Still I was vaguely certain that many articles I had seen about the halls on myfirst and second visits were no longer in evidence Two or three antique rugs, forinstance, were missing from the main hall, and there was a lamentablesuggestion of emptiness at the lower end where we had stacked a quantity of rareold furniture in order to make room for the workmen

"Herr Schmick," said I, abruptly halting my party in the centre of the hall,

"what has become of the rugs that were here last week, and where is that pile offurniture we had back yonder?"

Rudolph allowed the lantern to swing behind his huge legs, intentionally Ibelieve, and I was compelled to relieve him of it in order that we might extractourselves from his shadow I have never seen such a colossal shadow as the one

he cast

Old Conrad was not slow in answering

"The gentlemen called day before yesterday, mein herr, and took much away.They will return to-morrow for the remainder."

"The gentlemen to whom the Herr Count sold the rugs and chairs and chestsand—"

"What!" I roared Even Poopendyke jumped at this sudden exhibition ofwrath "Do you mean to tell me that these things have been sold and carriedaway without my knowledge or consent? I'll have the law—"

Herr Poopendyke intervened "They had bills of sale and orders for removal ofproperty dated several weeks prior to your purchase, Mr Smart We had to letthe articles go You surely remember my speaking to you about it."

"I don't remember anything," I snapped, which was the truth "Why—why, Ibought everything that the castle contained This is robbery! What the dickens

do you mean by—"

Old Conrad held up his hands as if expecting to pacify me I sputtered out therest of the sentence, which really amounted to nothing

"The Count has been selling off the lovely old pieces for the past six months,sir Ach, what a sin! They have come here day after day, these furniture buyers,

to take away the most priceless of our treasures, to sell them to the poor rich attwenty prices I could weep over the sacrifices I have wept, haven't I, Gretel?

Eh, Rudolph? Buckets of tears have I shed, mein herr Oceans of them Timeafter time have I implored him to deny these rascally curio hunters, these blood-sucking—"

"But listen to me," I broke in "Do you mean to say that articles have beentaken away from the castle since I came into possession?"

"Many of them, sir Always with proper credentials, believe me Ach, what aspendthrift he is! And his poor wife! Ach, Gott, how she must suffer Nearly all

of the grand paintings, the tapestries that came from France and Italy hundreds

of years ago, the wonderful old bedsteads and tables that were here when thecastle was new—all gone! And for mere songs, mein herr,—the cheapest ofsongs! I—I—"

"Please don't weep now, Herr Schmick," I made haste to exclaim, seeinglachrymose symptoms in his blear old eyes Then I became firm once more Thisknavery must cease, or I'd know the reason why "The next man who comes here

to cart away so much as a single piece is to be kicked out Do you understand?

These things belong to me Kick him into the river Or, better still, notify me andI'll do it Why, if this goes on we'll soon be deprived of anything to sit on orsleep in or eat from! Lock the doors, Conrad, and don't admit any one withoutfirst consulting me By Jove, I'd like to wring that rascal's neck A Count!Umph!"

"Ach, he is of the noblest family in all the land," sighed old Gretel "Hisgrandfather was a fine man." I contrived to subdue my rage and disappointmentand somewhat loudly returned to the topic from which we were drifting

"As for those beastly padlocks, I shall have them filed off to-morrow I giveyou warning, Conrad, if the keys are not forthcoming before noon to-morrow, I'llfile 'em off, so help me."

"They are yours to destroy, mein herr, God knows," said he dismally "It is apity to destroy fine old padlocks—"

"Well, you wait and see," said I, grimly

His face beamed once more "Ach, I forgot to say that there are padlocks on

the other side of the door, just as on this side It will be of no use to destroy

these The door still could not be forced Mein Gott! How thankful I am to haveremembered it in time."

"Confound you, Schmick, I believe you actually want to keep me out of thatpart of the castle," I exploded

The four of them protested manfully, even Gretel

"I have a plan, sir," said Britton "Why not place a tall ladder in the courtyardand crawl in through one of the windows?"

"Splendid! That's what we'll do!" I cried enthusiastically "And now let's go tobed! We will breakfast at eight, Mrs Schmick The early bird catches the worm,you know."

Sleep evaded me for hours What with the possible proximity of anundesirable feminine neighbour, mysterious and elusive though she may prove to

be, and the additional dread of dogs and babies, to say nothing of the amazingdelinquencies to be laid to the late owner of the place, and the prospect of a visitfrom coarse and unfeeling bargain-hunters on the morrow, it is really notsurprising that I tossed about in my baronial bed, counting sheep backwards andforwards over hedges and fences until the vociferous cocks in the stable yardbegan to send up their clarion howdy-dos to the sun Strangely enough, with thefirst peep of day through the decrepit window shutters I fell into a sound sleep.Britton got nothing but grunts from me until half-past nine At that hour he cameinto my room and delivered news that aroused me more effectually than all thealarm clocks or alarm cocks in the world could have done

"Get up, sir, if you please," he repeated the third time "The party ofAmericans is below, sir, rummaging about the place They have ordered theworkmen to stop work, sir, complaining of the beastly noise they make, and thedust and all that, sir They have already selected half a dozen pieces and theyhave brought enough porters and carriers over in the boats to take the stuff awayin—"

"Where is Poopendyke?" I cried, leaping out of bed "I don't want to beshaved, Britton, and don't bother about the tub." He had filled my twentiethcentury portable tub, recently acquired, and was nervously creating a lather in

my shaving mug,

"You look very rough, sir."

"So much the better."

"Mr Poopendyke is in despair, sir He has tried to explain that nothing is forsale, but the gentlemen say they are onto his game They go right on yankingthings about and putting their own prices on them and reserving them They areperfectly delighted, sir, to have found so many old things they really want fortheir new houses."

"I'll—I'll put a stop to all this," I grated, seeing red for an instant

"And the ladies, sir! There are three of them, all from New York City, and theykeep on saying they are completely ravished, sir,—with joy, I take it Your greatsideboard in the dining-room is to go to Mrs Riley-Werkheimer, and the hall-seat that the first Baron used to throw his armour on when he came in from—"

"Great snakes!" I roared "They haven't moved it, have they? It will fall topieces!"

"Mr Poopendyke has gone up to his room, sir, with his typewriter The younglady insisted on having it She squealed with joy at seeing an antique typewriterand he—he had to run away with it, 'pon my soul he did, sir."

"Who let these people in?" I demanded in smothered tones from the depths of

a sweater I was getting into in order to gain time by omitting a collar

"They came in with the plumbers, sir, at half-past eight Old man Schmicktried to keep them out, but they said they didn't understand German and walkedright by, leaving their donkeys in the roadway outside."

"Couldn't Rudolph and Max stop them?" I cried, as my head emerged

"They were still in bed, sir I think they're at breakfast now."

"Good lord!" I groaned, looking at my watch "Nine-thirty! What sort of a restcure am I conducting here?"

We hurried downstairs so fast that I lost one of my bedroom slippers It wentclattering on ahead of us, making a shameful racket on the bare stones, butBritton caught it up in time to save it from the clutches of the curio-vandals Myworkmen were lolling about the place, smoking vile pipes and talking in gutturalwhispers All operations appeared to have ceased in my establishment at thecommand of the far from idle rich Two portly gentlemen in fedoras werestanding in the middle of the great hall, discussing the merits of a dingy oldspinet that had been carried out of the music room by two lusty porters from thehotel From somewhere in the direction of the room where the porcelains andearthenware were stored came the shrill, excited voices of women The agedSchmicks were sitting side by side on a window ledge, with the rigid reticence ofwax figures.

"I happen to be the owner of this place, and you'll oblige me by clearing out."

"What's that? Here, here, none of that sort of talk, my friend We're here tolook over your stuff, and we mean business, but you won't get anywhere bytalking like—"

"There is nothing for sale here," I said shortly "And you've got a lot of nerve

to come bolting into a private house—"

"Say," said the second man, advancing with a most insulting scowl, "we'llunderstand each other right off the reel, my friend All you've got to do is toanswer us when we ask for prices Now, bear that in mind, and don't try any of

"Just remember that you're a junk-dealer and we'll get along splendidly," saidthe other, in a tone meant to crush me "What do you ask for this thing?" tappingthe dusty spinet with his walking-stick

It suddenly occurred to me that the situation was humorous

"You will have to produce your references, gentlemen, before I can discussanything with you," I said, after swallowing very hard (It must have been mypride.)

They stared "Good Lord!" gasped the bristly one, blinking his eyes "Don'tyou know who this gentleman is? You—you appear to be an American You

"Ten thousand nothing! I'll take it at seventy-five dollars And now let's talkabout this here hall-seat My wife thinks it's a fake What is its history, and whatsort of guarantee can you—"

seat that Pontius Pilate sat in when waiting for an audience with the first of thegreat Teutonic barons The treaty between the Romans and the Teutons wassigned on that table over there,—the one you have so judiciously selected, I

"A fake!" I cried in dismay "My dear Mr Rocksworth, that is the very hall-perceive Of course, you know that this was the Saxon seat of government.

Charlemagne lived here with all his court."

They tried not to look impressed, but rather overdid it

"That's the sort of a story you fellows always put up, you skinflints from

Boston I'll bet my head you are from Boston," said Mr Rocksworth shrewdly.

"Don't get fresh now," said he stiffly

Mr Riley-Werkheimer walked past me to take a closer look at the seat, almosttreading on my toes rather than to give an inch to me

"Pardon me," I interrupted, "I merely said that he sat in it I am not trying todeceive you, sir."

"And the treaty was signed on this table," said Mr Riley-Werkheimer Headdressed himself to a plump young lady with a distorted bust and a twenty-twoinch waist "Maude, what do you know about the Roman-Teutonic treaty? We'llcatch you now, my friend," he went on, turning to me "My daughter is up in

Miss Maude appeared to be racking her brain I undertook to assist her

"I mean the second treaty, after the fall of Nuremburg," I explained

"Oh," she said, instantly relieved "Was it really signed here, right here in this hall? Oh, Father! We must have that table."

"You are sure there was a treaty, Maude?" demanded her parent accusingly

"Certainly," she cried "The Teutons ceded Alsace-Lorraine to—"

"Pardon me once more," I cried, and this time I plead guilty to a blush, "youare thinking of the other treaty—the one at Metz, Miss Riley-Werkheimer This,

as you will recall, ante-dates that one by—oh, several years."

"Thank you," she said, quite condescendingly "I was confused for a moment

Of course, Father, I can't say that it was signed here or on this table as the youngman says I only know that there was a treaty I do wish you'd come and see thefire-screen I've found—"

"Let's get this out of our system first," said her father "If you can show mestatistics and the proper proof that this is the genuine table, young man, I'll—"

"Pray rest easy, sir," I said "We can take it up later on The facts are—"

"And this Pontius Pilate seat," interrupted Rocksworth, biting off the end of afresh cigar "What about it? Got a match?"

"Get the gentleman a match, Britton," I said, thereby giving my valet anopportunity to do his exploding in the pantry "I can only affirm, sir, that it iscommon history that Pontius Pilate spent a portion of his exile here in the sixthcentury It is reasonable to assume that he sat in this seat, being an old manunused to difficult stairways He—"

"Buy it, Orson," said his wife, with authority "We'll take a chance on it If itisn't the right thing, we can sell it to the second-hand dealers What's the price?"

"A thousand dollars to you, madam," said I

They were at once suspicious While they were busily engaged in looking theseat over as the porters shifted it about at all angles, I stepped over and ordered

my workmen to resume their operations I was beginning to get sour and angry

again, having missed my coffee From the culinary regions there ascended amost horrific odour of fried onions If there is one thing I really resent it is afried onion I do not know why I should have felt the way I did about it on thisoccasion, but I am mean enough now to confess that I hailed the triumphal entry

of that pernicious odour with a meanness of spirit that leaves nothing to beexplained

"Here!" roared Mr Rocksworth "Stop this beastly noise! What the deuce doyou mean, sir, permitting these scoundrels to raise the dead like this? Confound'em, I stopped them once Here! You! Let up on that, will you?"

"Yes, the real owner You can't stuff me with your talk about being the proprietor here, my friend You see, we happen to know the Count."

They all condescended to laugh at me I don't know what I should have said ordone if Britton had not returned with a box of matches at that instant—sulphurmatches which added subtly to the growing illusion

Almost simultaneously there appeared in the lower hall a lanky youth ofeighteen He was a loud-voiced, imperious sort of chap with at least three rolls tohis trousers and a plum-coloured cap

"Say, these clubs are the real stuff, all right, all right They're as brittle asglass See what I did to 'em We can hae 'em spliced and rewound and I'll hang'em on my wall All I want is the heads anyhow."

He held up to view a headless mid-iron and brassie, and triumphantly waved asplendid cleek My favourite clubs! I could play better from a hanging lie withthat beautiful brassie than with any club I ever owned and as for the iron, I wasdeadly with it

He lit a cigarette and threw the match into a pile of shavings Old Conradreturned to life at that instant and stamped out the incipient blaze

"I shouldn't consider them very good clubs, Harold, if they break off likethat," said his mother.

"What do you know about clubs?" he snapped, and I at once knew what class

he was in at the preparatory school

If I was ever like one of these, said I to myself, God rest the sage soul of myUncle Rilas!

The situation was no longer humorous I could put up with anything but themishandling of my devoted golf clubs

"You big stiff!" shouted Harold Afterwards it occurred to me that thisinelegant appellation may have been meant for his father, but at the time I took it

to be aimed at me

Before Harold quite knew what was happening to him, he was prancing downthe long hall with my bony fingers grasping his collar Coming to the dooropening into the outer vestibule, I drew back my foot for a final aid tolocomotion Acutely recalling the fact that slippers are not designed for kickingpurposes, I raised my foot, removed the slipper and laid it upon a taut section ofhis trousers with all of the melancholy force that I usually exert in slicing mydrive off the tee I shall never forget the exquisite spasm of pleasure his plaintive

Then Harold passed swiftly out of my life

Mr Rocksworth, reinforced by four reluctant mercenaries in the shape ofporters, was advancing upon me Somehow I had a vague, but unerring instinctthat some one had fainted, but I didn't stop to inquire Without much ado, Iwrested the cane from him and sent it scuttling after Harold

"Now, get out!" I roared

"You shall pay for this!" he sputtered, quite black in the face "Grab him, youinfernal cowards!"

But the four porters slunk away, and Mr Rocksworth faced me alone

Rudolph and Max, thoroughly fed and most prodigious, were bearing down upon

us, accounting for the flight of the mercenaries

"Get out!" I repeated "I am the owner of this place, Mr Rocksworth, and I ammad through and through Skip!"

"I'd give a thousand dollars to be free to do what you did to that insufferable

I had my coffee upstairs, far removed from the onions A racking headache set

in Never again will I go without my coffee so long It always gives me aheadache

Late in the afternoon, I opened my door, hoping that the banging of hammersand the buzz of industry would have ceased, but alas! the noise was even moredeafening than before I was still in a state of nerves over the events of themorning There had been a most distressing lack of poise on my part, and Icouldn't help feeling after it was all over that my sense of humour had received ashock from which it was not likely to recover in a long time There was but littleconsolation in the reflection that my irritating visitors deserved something in theshape of a rebuff; I could not separate myself from the conviction that myintegrity as a gentleman had suffered in a mistaken conflict with humour Myheadache, I think, was due in a large measure to the sickening fear that I hadmade a fool of myself, notwithstanding my efforts to make fools of them Myday was spoilt My plans were upset and awry

Espying Britton in the gloomy corridor, I shouted to him, and he came at once

"Britton," said I, as he closed the door, "do you think they will carry out theirthreat to have the law on me? Mr Rocksworth was very angry—and put out He

is a power, as you know."

"I think you are quite safe, sir," said he "I've been waiting outside since twoo'clock to tell you something, sir, but hated to disturb you I—"

"Thank you, Britton, my head was aching dreadfully."

"Yes, sir Quite so Shortly before two, sir, one of the porters from the hotelcame over to recover a gold purse Mrs Riley-Werkheimer had dropped in theexcitement, and he informed Mr Poopendyke that the whole party was leaving atfour for Dresden I asked particular about the young man, sir, and he said theyhad the doctor in to treat his stomach, sir, immediately after they got back to thehotel."

"His stomach? But I distinctly struck him on the verso."

"I know, sir; but it seems that he swallowed his cigarette."

To my shame, I joined Britton in a roar of laughter Afterwards I recalled, withsomething of a shock, that it was the first time I had ever heard my valet laugh

"I beg pardon, sir," said he "Will you have your shave and tub now, sir?"Later on, somewhat refreshed and relieved, I made my way to the littlebalcony, first having issued numerous orders and directions to the still stupefiedSchmicks, chief among which was an inflexible command to keep the gateslocked against all comers The sun was shining brightly over the western hills,and the sky was clear and blue The hour was five I found on consulting mywatch Naturally my first impulse was to glance up at the still loftier balcony inthe east wing It was empty There was nothing in the grim, formidable prospect

to warrant the impression that any one dwelt behind those dismantled windows,and I experienced the vague feeling that perhaps it had been a dream after all.Far below at the foot of the shaggy cliff ran the historic Donau, serene andmuddy, all rhythmic testimonials to the contrary With something of a shudder Icomputed the distance from my eerie perch to the rocks at the bottom of the cliff.Five hundred feet, at least; an impregnable wall of nature surmounted by a nowrank and obsolete obstruction built by the hand of man: a fortress that defied thelegions of old but to-day would afford no more than brief and even desultorytarget practice for a smart battery To scale the cliff, however, would be animpossibility for the most resourceful general in the world All about me wereturrets and minarets, defeated by the ancient and implacable foe—Time.Shattered crests of towers hung above me, grey and forbidding, yet withoutmenace save in their senile prerogative to collapse without warning Tinywindows marked the face of my still sturdy walls, like so many pits left by thepox, and from these in the good old feudal days a hundred marksmen had thrusttheir thunderous blunderbusses to clear the river of vain-glorious foes From thescalloped bastions cross-bowmen of even darker ages had shot their randombolts; while in the niches of lower walls futile pikemen waited for the impossible

to happen: the scaling of the cliff!

Friend and foe alike came to the back door of Schloss Rothhoefen, and therefound welcome or stubborn obstacles that laughed at time and locksmiths:monstrous gates that still were strong enough to defy a mighty force There was

my great stone-paved courtyard, flanked on all sides by disintegrating buildingsonce occupied by serfs and fighting men; the stables in which chargers and

beasts of burden had slept side by side until called by the night's work or theday's work, as war or peace prescribed, ranged close by the gates that openedupon the steep, winding roadway that now dismayed all modern steeds save theconquering ass Here too were the remains of a once noble garden, and here werethe granaries and the storehouses.

Far below me were the dungeons, with dead men's bones on their drippingfloors; and somewhere in the heart of the peak were secret, unknown passages,long since closed by tumbling rocks and earth, as darkly mysterious as the streets

in the buried cities of Egypt

Across the river and below me stood the walled-in town that paid tribute to thegood and bad Rothhoefens in those olden days: a red-tiled, gloomy city thatstood as a monument to long-dead ambitions A peaceful, quiet town that hadsurvived its parlous centuries of lust and greed, and would go on living to theend of time

So here I sat me down, almost at the top of my fancy, to wonder if it were notfolly as well!

Above me soared huge white-bellied birds, cousins germain to my dreams, butalas! infinitely more sensible in that they roamed for a more sustainingnourishment than the so-called food for thought

I looked backward to the tender years when my valiant young heart kept pacewith a fertile brain in its swiftest flights, and pinched myself to make sure thatthis was not all imagination Was I really living in a feudal castle with romanceshadowing me at every step? Was this I, the dreamer of twenty years ago? Orwas I the last of the Rothhoefens and not John Bellamy Smart, of MadisonAvenue, New York?

The sun shone full upon me as I sat there in my little balcony, but I liked thedry, warm glare of it To be perfectly frank, the castle was a bit damp I had had

a pain in the back of my neck for two whole days The sooner I got at my noveland finished it up the better, I reflected Then I could go off to the bathssomewhere But would I ever settle down to work? Would the plumbers ever getoff the place? (They were the ones I seemed to suspect the most.)

Suddenly, as I sat there ruminating, I became acutely aware of somethingwhite on the ledge of the topmost window in the eastern tower Even as I fixed

my gaze upon it, something else transpired A cloud of soft, wavy, luxurious