A collection of poems about depression

This Endless Inner Pain No one can see this endless inner pain, even though I’m not the slightest bit like myself.. And the thick, murky black air closes in… I feel like I’m in a room wi

A Collection of Poems about

Depression

© Copyright, Peter Stone, 2010 These poems are based upon poems and diary entries I made in the early 1990s while suffering from severe depression The poems are in chronological order,

spanning a period of about ten months

www.cornerstonethefoundation.blogspot.com

Floundering in an Arid Wilderness

Why is my life

in such inner turmoil?

I grow faint,

physically and emotionally,

yet I don’t know why

I flounder helplessly

in this arid wilderness,

buffeted by the winds

of despair and confusion

Anger and bitterness

rise up like a flood

I turn to Jesus,

seeking comfort,

although it feels like

He has forsaken me

I try to face

and sort through

the issues and implications,

but there’s too many of them

Languishing in a Personal Hell

Every day I languish

in this personal hell

I want to get out of myself,

and go anywhere else

I’ve tried not to grumble,

not to get bitter

And I failed

I think and think,

searching to find

the answers as to what

has happened to me and why,

but it is worthless -

I am allergic to my own thoughts! They are plagued

with fears and doubts,

and my wretched understandings Surely they are my undoing!

I feel so inadequate, so helpless,

oh Lord, when will it end?

This Endless Inner Pain

No one can see

this endless inner pain,

even though I’m not

the slightest bit like myself

Although the mornings are worse,

this endless feeling of dread

perturbs me all day, every day

Occasionally it relents,

only to return in full force

And whenever I think and analyse,

I fall deeper into this miry pit

Regardless of how hard I try,

I cannot turn off my mind!

I cannot believe this is happening to me

Help me, God!

Are You angry with me,

or do You understand,

and love me all the more?

What has Happened to Me?

What has happened to me?

Where has this come from?

What did those two weeks mean,

at the end of last year,

when I completely fell apart

I could barely think a complete thought,

and could find no peace

regardless of what course of action I considered

All day long,

throughout those two weeks,

I lay curled into a ball,

churning over fearful thoughts

I couldn’t get away

It would not stop

And it is still going,

nine weeks later

Though it is not as bad as before,

which is probably because

I’m busy at work

Will I Ever See Daylight Again?

I feel like a bird

trapped in a suffocatingly small birdcage,

hidden at the bottom

of a dark basement

I want to breakout of the blackness,

And fly into the Light outside

But it is an impossible task – I can’t get out

And the thick, murky black air closes in…

I feel like I’m in a room

with invisible walls

But it’s so black in the room,

that I can’t see through the walls

Where I go, the room goes –

I can’t get out

I wish someone would chain the room still,

so that I could get out into the Light,

But there is no escape,

because I am the room

I know there is Light outside,

I can remember it!

I see others walk in it every day,

but how do I get out to that Light?

Will this nightmare ever end?

Those who have been here before me,

Have left sign posts along the way,

But they all say the same thing:

"Wait and you’ll come through it,

life will be normal again one day."

How do I Stop Feeling?

This suffering

pollutes my worldview,

so I see everything

in a wrong light

Instead of the truth

I see only heartache and nightmare

I know the conclusions

I’ve been making

are affected by the way I feel,

But how do I stop thinking?

How do I stop feeling?

I see others

living and prospering,

yet I remain stuck

in this dark prison cell

Jesus, where are You?

Please see my circumstances

and hear my prayer

I know You are Faithful and True

Where Does This Road Lead?

What is this storm

that rages within me?

Why won’t it abate?

I’ve done nothing but hide and wait

for four long months now

"It will end one day soon," they tell me

But where is the proof?

I have no future,

how can there be when I’m like this?

I can’t face anyone

except those I must

I wait and I wait and I pray,

but I’m so weak that I lack

the strength to fight

the anger and frustration that consume me

Where does this road lead?

It is difficult to trust God

in these circumstances,

even though He says

He will never let me down

The fact is, God can see the end,

But I cannot –

I see this going on forever

for taking up her time,

but I need the help,

so I make myself go

She said that depression

is the worse ailment

that because our spiritual life is effected,

the cause must be spiritual

But no, depression touches every part of us She listed the symptoms of depression,

all of which afflict me:

having no hope,

unable to see a future,

cannot see myself recovering,

looking at everyone else

and wishing I was any one of them

instead of myself

She has been helping me to see

the true perspectives

on the things I fear,

and said that I need

to be on anti-depressant meds

A Faint Glimmer of Hope

I can scarcely believe it,

but it’s been nearly two weeks

since I’ve wanted to end it

I am tempted to deny

ever feeling like that,

but I did -

I just wanted to do die

to get away from the pain

So these anti-depressant tablets

must be helping me

For four weeks I’ve taken them

My fears that they would not help,

were unfounded

And is it true?

Can I see a faint glimmer of light now?

How many others

are there out there,

suffering like me?

I wish I could help

and comfort them,

but I wouldn’t know how,

I don’t even know

how to survive this myself

What Kept Me from Ending it?

What was it

that stopped me

from ending it,

when I all wanted

to do was die?

Jesus was one reason

I persevered,

but the main thing

that kept me from ending my life, was my mother and the others

who care for me

I had to keep going for them

I have seen the wreckage,

the utter devastation,

that suicide inflicts upon a family,

so regardless of how bad it got,

irrespective of how much pain I was in,

I refused to put my loved ones

through such an ordeal

So I persevered,

until glimpses of hope returned

A Difficult Road

The deep pain has gone,

but I’m still a mess

I still travel

a most difficult road

The old fears and doubts

have arisen to swamp me again But I have found

that if I don’t analyse them they don’t overcome me

and I don’t fall

I try to keep my eyes

fixed upon Jesus,

to trust and rely upon Him,

Oh, how I long

recovery will be slow

It just seems so distant

I have been forced to trust God when it feels like

He has abandoned me

Dread’s Fatal Embrace

This road

has its ups and downs,

except these ups are what

I once called the downs

Despair’s insipid lure

calls me

to concede defeat

But I’ll not yield

to dread’s fatal embrace,

nor subscribe

to its assertions,

that this darkness

will never end

Each day eventually

comes to an end,

and so will

this nightmare

and find nothing but contempt

for this pathetic person

that I have become

But I know this is wrong

When I examine myself

through Jesus’ eyes,

I see someone special,

someone loved,

appreciated,

and cared for

Not Over Yet

Two weeks ago

I felt almost normal,

but was I too hopeful?

The last two or three days

have been almost as bad as before,

and it caught me off guard

I felt so disturbed

that I struggled with self-harm,

I wasn’t trying to punish myself,

I was trying to make it go away

What happened to me?

How did I get to be like this?

I know I overworked myself last year,

and tried to be what I am not,

and suffered that major shock

And although my life at the moment

is not much of a life,

I guess I should still be thankful,

so I still praise God

for all He has given me

I have had the flu for three months now

Is holding down a normal job is too much?

If so, tough! I must work,

even if it means

I spend the rest of my life sick

I cannot drop out of society

I must keep going and kick this 'thing.'

A Book all about Me

I have just read

"Self Help For Your Nerves"

by Dr Claire Weekes,

It is a book all about me

The book describes

EVERY single thing

that has afflicted me

for the past eight months,

and even the months preceding that

All the strange things

in my mind, body, and emotions,

were caused by the same thing -

the fear-adrenalin-fear cycle

For the last eight months,

I have feared and fought against

all the things that were going wrong in me This book teaches

that these two reactions

only make it worse

In a nutshell, my nerves have fallen apart,

manufacturing far too much adrenalin

This over abundance of adrenalin

created all those disturbing symptoms

And my response to these symptoms

was to fear and fight them

This reaction produced more adrenalin,

which made me fear or fight them all the more – the cycle is never ending

It is a catch 22 situation, a merry go round This book has taught me how to react

to stop that cycle

And it is teaching me how to react

whenever it strikes again

Thank you Jesus,

for answering my prayers,

and for showing me

what was wrong with me

The Bewilderment is Gone

Life has changed

now that I know what's wrong with me

All the bewilderment of:

what is wrong with me?

what is going on?

why won't it stop or go away?

where did it come from?

is gone!

Now I say with relief –

"I know what's wrong with me,

my nervous system has packed up

It has developed a habit cycle

of manufacturing too much adrenalin,

and it does so ALL of the time."

But apart from that it is very hard

I still feel exhausted and awful most of the time

All I want to do is be normal again

I want to be able to see people again

I wish I had some friends,

I feel so alone

I just want to get on with life

and be whole again –

but stay within my limits this time

Letting Time Pass

Instead of dreading

the disturbing symptoms,

I face them

Yes, they are awful,

and I although I do not want them, are they really so unbearable,

that I cannot think, function or live? No! Although dreadful,

I can still think, function and live The worst part was my fear

that I would be like this forever

I no longer say,

"I can’t live like this!"

Instead, I am learning to accept that these symptoms

will be part of my life for now,

and I’m learning to live with them,

as if they were background music

to my day

And I am letting time pass,

while keeping myself busy

with recreational activities

Dr Weekes says

this will break

the fear-adrenalin-fear cycle,

and lead me back

to being myself again

Getting Back Out There

My counsellor said that although

I have not fully recovered yet,

I am better enough

to stop getting counselling

and get back out there

She suggested getting more involved in church,

and becoming a musician again

She said that to be in deep surrender to God

means to never look back

with regret upon the past,

nor forward to what I want to be in the future

To compare myself to what I used to be,

or to what I want to be,

is a hindrance for resting in God's will

So trusting in God, I will be content to be:

who I am today,

where I am today,

and how I am today

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