ZOO december 11, 2015

8 “I can’t spill any secrets or I’ll end up in EastEnders!” Star Wars Episode VII star John Boyega 28 It’s the spectacular 2015 ZOO Christmas Gift Guide!. SPORT 54 World heavyweight

PLUS! ABIGAIL RATCHFORD!

INSTAGRAMSENSATION!

EVERYTHINGYOUMUST

OWN

WYNTERS

IS OUTRAGEOUSLY GORGEOUS!

DIGITAL EDITION!

www.ZOOToday.com Issue 608

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JOEY FISHER!

Got a bunch of ZOO signs made for the

whole team by the guys at Robox 3D

printers Cheers, chaps!

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$45billion to charity

● Eating chocolate for breakfast

● Epic alligator battles

● The Neville brothers heading to Spain to show

La Liga how it’s done!

ZOO Hates

● Zayn Malik dating Victoria’s Secret model Gigi Hadid The lucky git…

● Expanding the World Cup to 40 teams

● Mice The bastards

● Still having to wait three months for

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4 American beauty! Instagram

sensation Abigail Ratchford makes

her spectacular return!

8 “I can’t spill any secrets or I’ll

end up in EastEnders!” Star

Wars Episode VII star John Boyega

28 It’s the spectacular 2015 ZOO

Christmas Gift Guide! All you want

from Santa in one place!

44 Christmas comedy round-up

40 brilliant gags from the best

stand-up DVDs around!

SPORT

54 World heavyweight champion

Tyson Fury “I was like a mongoose

going into a cobra’s nest!”

56 Anthony Joshua vs Dillian

Whyte The British duo on their

heavyweight grudge match

58 Conor McGregor vs Jose Aldo

“I’m living like Rocky – and training

like Clubber Lang!”

60Lip Reading

61 Quiz & Fanzone

GIRLS

34 Not so long ago, in a galaxy far,

far away BRA WARS! Joey Fisher

and Emma Glover use the Force!

48 Caitlin Wynters laid bare! The

Worcestershire wonder’s stunning

ZOO comeback

66 #ZOOTwitties

P34

You went crazy for Instagram hottie Abigail

Ratchford’s ZOO cover shoot So we flew her

back to Blighty for a sensational return!

The best thing to come out

of Scranton, Pennsylvania,

isn’t the American version

of The Office Not even that TV

giant compares to brunette

bombshell Abigail Ratchford

And to think just two short

years ago, there were only

a handful of people who knew

the 23-year-old’s name Flash

forward to 2015, and you’d be

hard-pressed to find a man on

the entire planet who hasn’t seen

and admired the curvaceous

cutie’s Instagram snaps and

slo-mo boob bouncing videos

Now Abigail’s giving

something back, not only with

another world exclusive ZOO

shoot for you all to enjoy, but also

in the form of her seriously sexy

calendar, meaning you can now

admire her incredible curves for

366 days in 2016

“All my shots are inspired by my favourite iconic images, like Kim Kardashian’s Break The Internet picture,” amazing Abigail told ZOO “I think the shot I love the most from the whole calendar was definitely the Janet Jackson one That’s been one of my favourite images for

as long as I can remember!”

“After this, I’ve got a few sexy

ABIGAIL RATCHFORD

American beauty!

WONDER WOMAN!

WWW ZOOTODAY COM

ABI’S 2016 CALENDAR!

WWW ZOOTODAY COM

Christmas photoshoots lined

up, so there’s no rest for me I’ve even taken up boxing to keep in shape, but I’m really nervous about getting hit in the face I’m definitely not ready to take on Ronda Rousey… yet!”

Good news, then, for her 3.3 million fans across the globe However, you don’t need to worry about Abi suffering burn out like a Premier League footballer this festive season, because she’s got plenty of plans to rest her hot body

“I’m going to put my feet

up and get into my ‘Netflix and chill’ mode,” she revealed “If any guy fancies coming over to watch a Vince Vaughn or Ryan Reynolds comedy with me, they’re welcome However they’ll need to be able to make me some homemade soup in a Crock-Pot, bring

me some warm bread and also a cold Christmas beer to keep me interested!”

We’re not sure about you gents, but that sounds like the perfect festive treat

to us And if anyone’s got

a better way to warm the cockles of our heart this December, then we’re yet to hear about it

“I’ve taken

up boxing, but I’m not ready for Ronda Rousey… yet!”

“If I give away secrets I’m going straight to EastEnders!”

The Force Awakens star John Boyega sits down with ZOO to discuss the franchise’s “epic” new movie,

growing up in Peckham, and starting his own Star Wars fitness regime!

are f**king heavy!”

STAR WARS’ NEW HOPE, JOHN BOYEGA!

DO WE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER FINN IN THE

NEW STAR WARS MOVIE?

Finn is dope His story is so epic

It’s a story that’s never been seen before, but it also mirrors those

of Luke Skywalker and Han Solo

And he’s quirky, charismatic and funny For me, he was the best character in the script

FINN’S NOT GOT A LAST NAME HAS HE? MAYBE LIKE CALRISSIAN…

I don’t know about last names

You don’t need to have one in space They don’t have the same rules in space as we have here

As for Lando Calrissian, he’s not about sons, he’s probably off doing his own thing

MOST PEOPLE KNOW YOU

AS ONE OF THE KIDS IN

ATTACK THE BLOCK, BUT

ARE WE ABOUT TO SEE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SIDE TO YOU?

I think so, yeah I played a bit

of a yob in Attack The Block

and a lot of people chose to write about how I grew up opposite the place where Damilola Taylor was stabbed, but that’s not my story Yeah, I grew up in Peckham, but I spent most of my time dancing and acting Guns and knives mean nothing to

me I worked hard – and look where I ended up today!

HOW WAS THAT AUDITIONING PROCESS WITH J J ABRAMS?

Intense! I was unleashed into

seven months of auditions

It was like The X Factor, but

without the TV show or Simon Cowell…

COULD YOU TELL ANYONE WHEN YOU FINALLY GOT THE PART?

Some people As soon as I found out I went home and was like,

“Dad, I’ve just been cast in Star Wars,” and he was just like, “Oh

my God! You’re in Star Wars,

that is fantastic!” Then he looked

at me blankly for a few seconds

and said, “What’s Star Wars?”

WE’RE GUESSING YOU HAD

TO REMAIN TIGHT-LIPPED OVER THE SCRIPT?

Most of the time I felt like I was living a double life, like Batman

If I’d said anything I’m sure J J Abrams would fly a robotic

WITH OLD HAND

HARRISON!

SHOOTING IN THE DESERT

helicopter overhead and make

me disappear from Hollywood

forever I’d literally be a regular

on EastEnders after that.

HOW’S LA LIFE? ARE YOU

BEING RECOGNISED IN

THE STREET MUCH YET?

Not at all, actually I’ve been

walking around LA and nobody

recognises me I know slowly

that’s going to change with the

release of the movie I’ll just do

the human thing and adapt But

it’s part of what it is, isn’t it?

YOU’RE STAYING

GROUNDED THEN?

Definitely! Most of the friends

I’ve made in LA are just normal

guys One works at the airport

and the only difference is I’m

like, “I’m going to Jakku now

while you go to your office.”

YOU SEEM PREPARED FOR

THE MEDIA ONSLAUGHT

COMING YOUR WAY

I like the camera I mean, I’m

a 90s baby so I’ve grown up

with the camera in my face But

also I’m taking each day as it

comes: I came into this with a

fantastic team, with family and

friends, so I feel very supported

DID ANY OF THE OLDER

CAST MEMBERS GIVE YOU

ADVICE ON DEALING WITH

THAT SORT OF FAME?

I remember Harrison [Ford]

told me, “It’s going to change your life” and that was it I think him not going past that just means it’s an experience; it’s each to their own

AND HOW WAS IT ON SET, WIELDING A LIGHTSABER?

Man, it came in a case The production guys brought it out and I’m like, “Now’s the moment, now’s the time.”

I held it in my hand and it felt very, very good But damn they’re heavy!

SO YOU HIT THE WEIGHTS?

Ha, not quite There was a lot more running involved, so

I trained on a high-incline treadmill so when it came to

it I could sprint around the

desert in a leather jacket

I should start my own Star Wars weight-loss programme!

DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES OUTSIDE THE CRAZINESS THAT HELP KEEP YOU SANE?

This is not craziness, this is me doing my art I’m not a rock star

or anything I’m going to places where I get to meet genuine fans of these franchises I still

do the normal stuff that every guy does, so it doesn’t feel crazy to me

DON’T YOU EVER NEED

TO GET AWAY FROM THE WHOLE ACTING AND

STAR WARS HEADSPACE

FOR A FEW MINUTES?

It’s just like it’s always been

a part of my life I watch B-rolls, I’m into the behind-the-scenes, and I’m into comic books

Obviously, this is an extreme extension where I get to express myself, but I still go back to just being a normal guy

WE GUESS YOU’D LOVE TO

DO MORE STAR WARS

FILMS, BUT ARE WE GOING

TO SEE YOU BACK FOR MORE IN THE FUTURE?

Of course I would Why not?

But am I allowed to say? You’ll have to watch the film and see what happens…

There are an awful lot of plot rumours out there These, sadly, aren’t among them

Where’s Luke Skywalker?

Luke was sued by the Empire for all his worth after destroying the Death Star It meant selling his robotic arm at Cash Converters to pay legal fees and he now works as a intergalactic binman.

The Ewoks are no more

Heavy deforestation on Endor led to an increase in illegal poaching for prized Ewok fur But, you can help For only £1

a month you can adopt an Ewok and help this once-great animal live on…

Lando Calrissian…

The ex-smuggler still sports an exceptional moustache, especially during Movember, during which he raised 10,000 Galactic Credits.

Chewbacca

Like Han Solo, the hairy Wookiee is entering his twilight years Every morning before work, Chewie spends 30 minutes adjusting his full-length toupee – a loan from Donald Trump’s “guy”.

Will we see more R2-D2?

The loveable robot only makes a cameo, owing to Luke selling him on Music Magpie when he couldn’t upgrade his iOS and stopped being able to use apps such as Facebook and BBC iPlayer.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens is

out on 18 December

Prolific Leicester City forward Jamie Vardy is supposedly getting

his own Hollywood movie – and we can’t wait for the “Chat Sh*t”

king to hit our local multiplex

 O nly five years ago,

Jamie Vardy was

playing non-league

football and juggling his

flourishing sports career

with his day job making

medical splints in Sheffield

Now, he’s the Premier

League’s hottest star striker,

setting a new league record for

scoring in consecutive games

No wonder his Rocky-esque

story has generated interest

from screenwriters in Hollywood, in particular a certain Adrian Butchart, the

guy who penned Goal!

Who knows? If it does well enough, we could get

a sequel in a few years’

time, no doubt with Vardy guiding Leicester to Champions League glory and smashing home a hat-trick at the World Cup Final in Russia…

And we wouldn’t mind seeing these get the Hollywood green light either

This un-romcom sees Diego Costa and

Jose Mourinho call it quits after a bitter

falling out and resort to underhand

tactics to push each other away

Roy Hodgson cobbles together a ragtag group and heads to France in the hope of pulling off a highly improbable mission

Four guys head to the Carrington countryside to drink a load of plonk and contemplate how to move forward

in life (and on the pitch) P

Vardy scores

Hollywood career!

WWW ZOOTODAY COM

Hot potato! We’d do the weekly shop

more often if they had these

at our local supermarket

In the 607 previous

issues ZOO has put

into stores, it’s safe to

say we’ve seen our

fair share of curvy

women’s bums and

behind bending over,

we’re not lying.

This raunchy

root vegetable was

discovered by Ben

Fletch, a potato farmer

from Kent, and his

family couldn’t

believe what he

brought home from

his normal day’s work.

“We were all

laughing for quite

a while,” explained

a chuckling Ben “In

the end, though,

we threw it away

as we couldn’t bring

ourselves to cook it.”

Who would have

thought that? We

thought it looked

quite a-peel-ing…

Rude food

One Kent-based farmer got more than he bargained for when

he pulled a sweet potato with a rather raunchy shape

HUSQVARNA VITPILEN 701 CONCEPT

Yes, Husqvarna makes snazzy

chainsaws, but the Swedish

manufacturer also dabbles in

dazzling concepts The brilliantly-

futuristic Vitpilen 701 is based on its

701 Enduro and Supermoto models, but packs serious street swagger

There’s no word on a release date, but a smaller, equally radical 401 version should be on sale by 2017

DUCATI SCRAMBLER SIXTY2

The Scrambler caused quite a stir

among bearded hipster types when

it was launched earlier this year, as

it blended ace retro styling with a

city-friendly diminutive frame The

Sixty2 is a sign of even smaller

things to come, with

a 400cc, 41 horsepower set

to appeal to lithe fellows with questionable facial fuzz or motorcycle newcomers who demand a smart first ride.

manufacturer worth its

salt descends on Milan

for the annual EICMA

motorcycle show to unveil the

hottest concepts, smartest

upcoming machines andexciting model updates

This year was no exception,and if you’re a sucker for shiny new metal, you may want to hide the chequebook…

Milan’s annual bike show delivered some absolute beauties Here’s why you need to start saving for summer

2016’S MADDEST NEW BIKES!

MOTORS

BIMOTA TESI 3D RACECAFE

Don’t worry if you’ve never heard

of Bimota (it’s a tiny Italian

manufacturer, FYI) because all you

need to know is that it occasionally

loses its marbles and comes up with

concepts like this The 3D

RaceCafe features hub-centred

steering – which looks very

unsafe, but mightily cool

– and an 803cc engine

pinched from the

Ducati Scrambler

YAMAHA MT-10

There’s no need to hit the message

boards just yet, because this isn’t a

new addition to the Transformers

line-up Instead, it’s Yamaha’s

YZF-R1-based streetfighter

Aggressive doesn’t even get close

to describing this monster, as the 998cc crossplane engine is said to deliver a massive amount

of torque for epic, off-the-line performance Only those with oversized cojones need apply.

13

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VICTORY IGNITION CONCEPT

The ballsy American bike builder

commissioned Swiss two-wheeled

tinkerer Urs Erbacher to create

a bike for the show – and this is

the gnarly result It packs the

marque’s gutsy 1,200cc engine,

a cast aluminium chassis and high-performance brakes and suspension that have been influenced by drag racing bikes

It also doubles-up as a very mean street cruiser.

YAMAHA

XSR900

Hacking around town on a

retro-tastic ride needn’t mean straddling

an unreliable relic from the 1970s,

as Yamaha’s throwback XSR900

neatly proves It’s based on the

modern MT-09 and features an

850cc, triple-cylinder engine that

develops bags of torque for speedy

getaways Completing the package

is a special 60th anniversary yellow

and black paint scheme for added

kudos.

MOTORS

DUCATI XDIAVEL

Ducati pulled out the big guns this

year, and who can blame them? The

show is on their home turf, so it’s

only natural they cranked out some

classics The XDiavel is a perfect

example of the marque’s

showmanship, as its Testastretta

1,262cc V-twin engine develops 95lbft of torque at 5,000rpm and it

is styled to stop folk in their tracks There’s even a fancy launch control system for skinning sports bikes at the traffic lights It comes at a price, though: £15,795 to be exact

KTM 1290 SUPER DUKE GT

This sports bike, commuter workhorse is designed for those who want to cover big distances at great speed It packs

part-a 173bhp engine, semi-part-active suspension and advanced ABS traction control for comfortable cruises, but has also been fettled specifically for insane individuals who like to pop a pannier-clad wheelie every now and then.

15

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 Ė ē LETTERS! ŶēŶĖ ē LIKES! ŶēŶ  Ė ē SPAM! ŶēŶ

*Each week we select any number of photos/jokes from the entries we receive for publication in ZOO, and select one photo/joke as the “Shout/Joke Of The Week”, which will win that week’s prize other publication fee is payable All prizes must be claimed within six weeks of publication (after which time prizes will be passed on to the runner-up) Entry is free, although your standard network

I met Antony Costa from Blue

on the set of Casualty We were

both football supporters who got involved in a riot!

MARK JOHN, via email

We’re glad Antony was only playing the part of a hooligan, otherwise he’d be hearing the

judge say All Rise and would definitely be found Guilty For a

great celebrity spot, you’ve won

a 16gb Sony Experia tablet and a limited edition Blu-ray gift set of

Adam Sandler comedy, Pixels.

Shout Of The Week wins

a 16gb Sony Experia tablet and a limited edition Blu-ray gift set to celebrate the

release of Pixels, available

to own now on Blu-ray

Ė ē PRIZES! ŶēŶ
ĖŶēŶ 
ŶĔŶ Ė

17

Č 


Political power

Do you think sign writers

are trying to pass on subtle

messages through the media?

KENNETH HOPKINS, via email

There’s certainly something

very “Illuminati” about this

scene, Ken

A Blobby mess

My best mate was the most depressed (and hungover) Mr Blobby I have ever seen

JAMES EDWARDS, via email

Thankfully, his Crinkley Bottom’s under wraps, James.

My fiancée decided to

keep our dog, Scatty,

in a beanie hat for an

Gettin’ piggy with it

My missus fell asleep, so

I amended her tattoo She didn’t realise for three days

LIAM KELLY, via email

So simple yet so true, Liam

Wrist-y business

I was in work one evening when I fell through a skylight The sharp steel frame stuck in my hand, then ripped back out The result: tears in my tendons, nerves and an artery, and one workmate actually fainted.

WAYNE DUNNE, via email That’s bloody bonkers, Wayne At least you kept your composure – unlike a certain work pal we could speak of…

Saw that coming

I was on a roof using a skill saw when it kicked back and cut straight through

my leg Luckily it just missed a main artery

ADAM QUINCEY, via email

This is reminiscent of the Saw franchise itself, Adam Fingers crossed

that skill-set of yours doesn’t come back to haunt you again…

the most satisfying spot

on the body to scratch

The smallest periodic

table in the world was

carvedonastrandofhair

As of 2010, only

residents of the UK

can go inside Big

Ben’s tower – and

In 1950, all Englishfootballers’ salaries werecapped at £12 per week

A cheetah named Sarah holds the record for the fastest 100-metre sprint in the world It took just 5.95 seconds

William Shatner soldhis kidney stone for

£13,000 in 2006, to thesame buyer who bought

a cheese sandwich thatresembled the VirginMary for £18,600

No UFC tournament has ever been held in New York because it’s the only state where MMA is banned

In the 1890s, DonaldTrump’s grandfather ran

a restaurant that doubled

up as a brothel

Hyphephilia is a condition where

humans get sexually aroused by

touching fabric

2,000,000

Bees which caused chaos

in Lincang, China, af ter

a lorr y carr ying 200 hives over turned

2,256

Calories in the new

4 8-piece McNugget meal

on sale in Japanese McDonald’s nex t month

Litres of Champagne

f r om 5 1

bo t tles spr ayed on F 1 podiums this season, costing

£ 10,200

1 Aquatic creatures, such

as fish, can yawn

2 The African winged goose is toxic

165

THE PARTY’S ALMOST OVER

…BUT NOT QUITE YET!

THERE ARE JUST TWO MORE ISSUES OF ZOO TO GO GET THE CHRISTMAS ISSUE ON SALE

15 DECEMBER, AND OUR BUMPER FAREWELL EXTRAVAGANZA ON 22 DECEMBER

GET THEM BEFORE WE’RE GONE!

I keep having a recurring

nightmare about fruit

machines

My girlfriend is really

supportive and to wake

me up she just gives me

a nudge, then holds me

SID, via email

II and III come

after IV, V and VI?

Because Head Of

Planning, Yoda was

PETER C, via email

What he said

I’m going to change my name to Simon, then everyone has to do as

ADAM, via email

GENIUS ONE-LINER

My fairy godmother once asked if I’d rather have a long penis

or a long memory

I forget what my answer

I’m the kind of geezer who walks into a restaurant, gets asked,

“Would you like a table?”

and responds with,

“Na, I’ve come here

to watch people eat!”

Joker Of The Week wins

an Xbox One and a ZOO goodie bag!

I saw a drawing of the

sun wearing sunglasses

I then spent an hour

wondering what the

f**k he was protecting

his eyes from

L MANNING, via email

Tech pranks

Fool your parents into

thinking they’ve lost

touch with modern

Fishing: perfect for when you want to relax but still want to murder something

JORDAN H, via email

Wild appetite

I’m not saying my friend

is fat, but when we were eating in the Chinese buffet last night, David Attenborough was narrating in the background

JAMES, Manchester

Rock-hard rituals

I used to be embarrassed

by my geology fetish

I started off stroking gravel but now I’m feeling a little boulder

VIKTOR, via email

Squatting son

I knocked on my son’s bedroom door and said,

“I think we need to have that awkward father-son conversation.”

“Dad, I’m 32!” he replied

“I know,” I said “So isn’t it about time you f**ked off and got your own place?”

LIAM, via email

Dress for occasions

“You look poor,” accused

a snobby man at a party

MILTON JONES

Soldiers are very emotionally repressed.

They walk into the middle of

a parade circle shouting,

“Attention!” What they need is

a hug Or that’s what

JOSEPH, via email

Lord Of The Housing

You know you’re a 90s kid when the prospect of getting on the property ladder is such fantasy it might as well have been written by Tolkien.

RHYS JAMES

@RHYSJAMESY

Awful acronyms

I think my biggest USB

is that I don’t really care about using the correct acronyms.

GARY DELANEY

@GARYDELANEY

Robotic resetting

WARNING: Be careful not

to touch your partner’s belly button while you’re kissing, as this is how humans are restored

to factory settings.

JAMES MARTIN

@PUNDAMENTALISM

The US of waistlines

I think every English person who has eaten in America knows exactly how much fatter they would be if they lived in America.

JAMES ACASTER

@JAMESACASTER

Essential ★★★★★ Excellent ★★★★✩

Plug yourself into this week’s hottest entertainment, featuring the best films, games, music and DVDs

Holiday rituals are often

defined by mince pies, log fires

and carols As Crimbo-themed

comedies come and go, this one

adds the middle finger to your

customs and puts on the

wackiest festive show

On Christmas Eve, three

lifelong pals – Seth Rogen,

Joseph Gordon-Levitt and

Anthony Mackie – revel in their

wild, drug-fuelled seasonal fun

one last time as they search for

the epitome of secret blowouts:

The Nutcracker Ball

Along the way, we witness rib-achingly ridiculous trips on magic mushrooms, exploding snowmen, fights with phony Santas and midnight mass meltdowns

The trio’s comic chemistry

is perfectly executed, meaning this is the rudest, crudest and funniest seasonal cinematic

gift since Bad Santa ★★★★✩

The Night Before

CHRISTMAS MOVIE TAKEOVER!

FILM

of the week!

You’ll spend a lot of time with the family

this festive season At least you can regale

them with these cracking movie facts

Sprouting from Alpine folklore,

a boy whose faith in Christmas

is shaken accidently summons

Krampus: a demonic anti-St

Nicholas who comes to punish

The Krampus – a hooded

goat-like creature, who preys on

the vulnerable with an army of

nightmarish gingerbread men,elves and toy helpers – ishair-raising, edgy and unlikeany festive character you’ll see

Flat, half-hearted gags andclichéd story aside, you’ll want

to make sure you avoid thenaughty list.★★★✩✩

At the time of year when thewhole family arrives for avery merry Christmas, there’salways a disaster lurking roundthe corner

As four generations ofthe Cooper clan – includingDiane Keaton, John Goodman,

Olivia Wilde and Ed Helms –gather to enjoy the holidays as

an archetypal “happy” family,news of an imminent divorce iskept hidden away

A cracker without a bang, the lack of laughs means this is amassive turkey.★★✩✩✩

Christmas With The Coopers Krampus

Die Hard

Ho, Ho, Ho! Put a stop to the “it’s not a Christmas movie” rows by turning this classic up ★★★★★

Elf

Release your inner juvenile as Will Ferrell’s man-Elf spreads Xmas cheer ★★★★★

Bad Santa

A department store St Nick lands on his own naughty list through his criminal craft ★★★★✩

The Muppet Christmas Carol

Michael Caine’s cockney mannerisms, plus Muppet magic ★★★★✩

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

The Griswolds’ crazy caper is a bona fide seasonal staple ★★★★✩

Bruce Willis was sev

in line to play John M behind Schwarzeneg Stallone and Harrison

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS

Jim Carrey’s Grinch

make-up took three hours a day to apply

LOVE ACTUALLY

The airport footage

is of real travellers, filmed at Heathrow over the course of one week

ELF

Will Ferrell jumped around New York in-costume to recruit extras for Buddy’s Big Apple arrival.

JINGLE ALL THE WAY

The Turbo Man shopping panic was loosely based

on the 1980s obsession with Cabbage Patch dolls

BAD SANTA

Weighing in with a hefty

170 uses of “f**k”, Bad

Santa is the sweariest

Christmas movie ever

SCROOGED

The Ghost Of Christmas

Present bit Bill Murray’s lip

so hard, filming had to be

halted for a few days

The one thing this massive

open world shooter isn’t short

of is spectacle and scale,

creating the gaming equivalent

of a Michael Bay movie

Sadly, like a Transformers

film, the wildly enjoyable

explosions and CGI can’t mask

a number of glaring mistakes

The story is largely

forgettable, with anti-hero

Rico Rodriguez returning

home to overthrow a

well-armed military dictatorship

The missions are equally

repetitive, but at least play

a role in setting up a world

in which you can blow rebel

forces into tiny pieces, often

with hilarious results

The main cause for concern

though is the overabundance of

bad AI, rough edges and, worst

of all, game-breaking bugs –

meaning that for all its showy,

action-packed moments of

brilliance, there are simply too

many faults to ignore until

a game-saving patch is

released.★★✩✩✩

Just Cause 3

h Lis

25

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Trainwreck

US comic Amy Schumer

makes her big-screen

writing and acting debut

as 30-something Amy

who, believing that

monogamy isn’t realistic,

lives her life drinking,

partying and smoking

weed – until she meets

Aaron (Bill Hader) As

you’d expect from a Judd

Apatow film, there’s wit

and vulgarity, plus a role

for LeBron James in an

upside-down take on the

romcom ★★★✩✩

Fear The Walking

Dead Season 1

This prequel spin-off to

the best zombie series on

TV is set in LA, following

a new family at the start

of the apocalypse – so you

don’t need to have seen

all six seasons of The

Walking Dead to

understand what’s going

on Still, the trademark

gore and unbearable

tension is layered on

thick to keep you on the

edge of your seat from

here, as Ethan Hunt and

the IMF dive straight into

the action But it’s not just

high-speed chases and

epic stunts; Rogue Nation

has a superb story and

lots of jokes thrown in,

too Unlike most sequels,

the M:I films keep getting

better and this is one not

to be missed! ★★★★✩

Pixels

This far-fetched story

sees aliens attacking

Earth using classic

arcade games as modes

for their assault With

three top comedy leads

– Adam Sandler, Josh

Gad and Kevin James –

alongside Peter Dinklage,

this should’ve been good.

But, while there are some

decent laughs and effects,

it’s just another recent

Sandler production: safe,

predictable – and pretty

HI, SIMON! THIS IS YOUR THIRD

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE FILM

WE TAKE IT YOU HAD FUN…

It was great! To turn up on set and know we’re going to be shooting something on the Vienna subway, or hanging off

an aeroplane, or doing a car chase, it doesn’t get any better than that.

WERE YOU THERE WHEN TOM CRUISE WAS HANGING

ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE PLANE AS IT TOOK OFF?

I was When he actually did the take-off, I wasn’t shooting my scene, so I got on the plane just

to have a ride in an A400

Meanwhile Tom was on the side

of the plane – that’s

a fairly typical day on set.

SO TOM DOES ALL HIS OWN STUNTS, RIGHT?

Yeah, it’s very important to him that people have that experience of knowing it’s not a stuntman It adds a degree of tension when you know it’s the actor doing it, because it stays

in your mind that it’s still the character on screen

WE CERTAINLY WOULDN’T LIKE TO CLING ON TO A PLANE DOES TOM PACK A FEW PAIRS

OF BROWN TROUSERS? Nah, he relishes this stuff He enjoys the challenge Besides, our stunt coordinator said there was no point in getting a stuntman in because Tom can probably do it better than most!

DO YOU HAVE ANY INPUT ON THESE STUNTS?

Nope! It isn’t until you get to the set and see it come to life that you think, “Holy sh*t!” You see

“clinging onto an aeroplane taking off” in a script and you think, “I wonder how we’re going to do that” It then turns out it really is clinging onto an aeroplane while it takes off.

WHAT’S NEXT FOR MISSION:

IMPOSSIBLE THEN?

I worry in a way We climbed the Burj Khalifa, and it was like, “OK, let’s do that again, but let’s do it with an aeroplane.” When we

do M:I 6 we may have to go into

outer space!

SIMON PEGG

Mission:

Impossible – Rogue Nation is out

now on DVD, Blu-ray and Digital HD

Well done, Olly – you didn’t mess that one up!

taunts and barbs back

down his throat at a

packed O 2 Arena.

ITV

Another series passes,

and another X Factor

winner will hope to briefly trouble the airwaves with a seasonal No1, before disappearing for the next 12 months.

THE X FACTOR FINAL RESULTS

Starting with The

Phantom Menace, if

you can stay up, this marathon (in episode order) ensures you’re

up to hyperspeed

before the release of

The Force Awakens.

ALSO UNMISSABLE

A look at the real wolves of Wall Street’s desire for cocaine in

Drugs, Inc, 10pm,

National Geographic.

The definitive TV guide, picking the must-see shows, so you don’t have to!

Take my hand, Luke.

I promise I’ve washed

it this time

Most of the United Kingdom (sorry,

Scotland) finds out who will block their path to glory next summer.

12 DECEMBER

BT Sport 1

Two European giants square up

at Thomond Park in a Champions Cup Pool 4 table-topping cracker.

Sky Sports 1

Eddie Howe’s vibrant team take on the human tranquilisers, as LVG tries to bore the pants off the South Coast.

Sky Sports 1

Claudio Ranieri looks to heap more misery on his ex-employers, with his top four-chasing flying Foxes.

Margot Robbie and

Will Smith are con

artists in this stylish

crime drama that’ll

make you want to

give up the day job.

BBC One

It’s back, with Luther

on an enforced leave

of absence – and a Hannibal-esque serial killer eating body parts Well, it’s cheaper than most London restaurants.

Sky Atlantic

The last episode of the

series goes out with

a bang Naomi tries to

stop Milan doing

something he might

regret, while Khalil

admits he has got

them in deep sh*t.

ITV

He’s one of the most controversial England cricketers ever Now we’ll get to find out

a bit more about what makes KP tick, thanks

to his friends and family.

THE LAST PANTHERS

WEDNESDAY

16 DECEMBER

10.40 PM

Forget Mariah – all y ou want for Christmas is right her

e…

65" SAMSUNG JS8500 8 SERIES

This curved beauty boasts SUHD for a better

quality picture, but be prepared to be that

mate who hosts all the big events…

£3,499.99, samsung.com

GUITAR HERO LIVE

Take the stage and entertain a real crowd in

GH Live mode, or switch to GHTV where you

can strum along to music videos by switching

channels And if you’re feeling really brave,

you can even take on the vocals…

From £74.48, game.co.uk

I-EX GAMING

BEANIE BAG

It doesn’t get much

better than playing

new console games

at Christmas – until

you’ve played them

while reclined on this

29

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SMART GLIDER

Take one step closer to the future with this year’s most infamous mode of transport Just don’t get caught by the fuzz after those lawful spoilsports decided to ban them!

£189.99, tomtom.com

PUMA EVOSPEED SL FG

Kick it like Argentinian ace Sergio Aguero

with these ultra light boots, which weigh less

than the rain-soaked socks on your feet as you

rock up to your Sunday League quagmire

the return of the

micro scooter You’ll

be able to zip up the

platform and through

the crowds before

they can get out their

Oyster card

£174.95, amazon.co.uk

ACTON R8 ELECTRIC ROCKETSKATES

Three speeds – beginner, normal and pro – and a 12mph boost make journeys fun Just make sure you’re within 70 minutes of a plug in case they run out of juice…

£699.99, maplin.co.uk

Keep fit & ha ve fun!

REAL-LIFE MARTY

MCFLY!

KICK IT LIKE KÜN!

SPHERO BB-8

STAR WARS

DROID

It’s the most talked

about film of the year,

and now you can

have your very own

working version of

the rolling driod from

The Force Awakens

Get it, you must!

meone who’s never clapped

es on Mario, that’s who!

49.99, store.nintendo.co.uk

RC EYE ONE EXTREME QUADCOPTER DRONE

Take your camera

to the skies to spy

on your neighbours, the cat or your sworn enemy

Thrillseekers can also perform some pretty cool stunts!

£99.99, maplin.co.uk

THE RECREATED SINCLAIR 2X SPECTRUM

Travel back to a time when High-Def was more likely a character in a side-scrolling beat- ’em-up with this tablet-compatible keyboard

£99.99, maplin.co.uk

Everything y ou need to be 10 again!

R.E.V

APP-CONTROLLED CARS

Battle it out with your buds for mobile

phone-controlled car supremacy If you haven’t got

any mates, don’t worry: a second car also

boasts artificial intelligence to play against.

£49.99, argos.co.uk

31

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MARIO MADNESS!

BOSE SOUNDTOUCH 10

The smallest SoundTouch unit connects to your Wi-Fi seamlessly in minutes, and you can even control it with your smartphone

£169.95, bose.co.uk

INFINITY SPEAKER

Not only does this sound amazing, it also looks the bee’s knees with a clever mirrored illusion that will leave you transfixed

£43.60, amazon.co.uk

CREATIVE

SOUNDBLASTER

FREE

If you ever feel the

urge to take your

wireless speaker

outside, then you’ll

need one of these

splashproof bad boys

which can pump out a

substantial amount of

bass in the process.

£64.99, amazon.co.uk

PLANTRONICS BACKBEAT SENSE HEADPHONES

If you’re looking to listen to music on an Italian catwalk, you’ll need these stylish devils!

£96.46, amazon.co.uk

ROBERTS REVIVAL MINI RADIO

Retro styling, modern stations galore It will also instantly make people think you’re far more interesting than you really are…

£139.95, pcworld.co.uk

BEATS BY DR DRE SOLO 2.0

The master of hip-hop’s latest on-ear

headphones look the way th ound: great!

£269.95, apple.com/uk

Get the most fr om your music!

CROSLEY RETRO TURNTABLE

With vinyl sales soaring, your mother- in-law is bound to buy you your favourite album again Why not listen

to it in style?

£79.99, argos.com

AURAL COMFORT!

STAR WARS 1TB PS4

May the gaming force be with you, as you

try to tackle the biggest evil in the star system

– teenagers – on this limited edition console

(which also comes with a physical copy of

Star Wars: Battlefront…)

£405.79, amazon.co.uk

LG SMARTWATCH URBANE

Forget the Apple watch: LG meets all your wearable smart technology needs in this stylish wrist adornment.

£218, amazon

EPSON EH-TW5210 PROJECTOR

Feast upon your DVD collection or next-ge console favourite in beautiful full 1080p HD 3D throughout your house

£499, epson.co.uk

BRAUN SERIES 3 3080 RAZO

Your January diet will get your body in tip-top physical condition, so now keep tha facial hair at bay with this high-tech shave The “Precision” mode may even help you sculpt the perfect “Robert Pires”.

£62, amazon.co.uk

KAISER BAAS X100

Does everything a GoPro

Hero 4 does but for less than

half the price Which makes

it this year’s must-have

CARLSBERG BEER’D BEAUTY

If Carlsberg did grooming products

£40, findmeagift.co.uk

LEEF iACCESS & MICRO-SDHC

Don’t lose those precious photo memories

(or have them pilfered from the iCloud) with

this neat little native storage tool!

AMAZON FIRE TV 4K

Get your ultra-HD TV fix with this tremendous box of wonders, which lets you view Netflix and Prime in full UHD glory!

£64.99, amazon.co.uk

DARTH GLOVER! JOEY-WAN

KENOBI!

THERE ARE JUST TWO MORE ISSUES OF ZOO TO GO GET THE CHRISTMAS ISSUE ON SALE

15 DECEMBER, AND OUR BUMPER FAREWELL EXTRAVAGANZA ON 22 DECEMBER

GET THEM BEFORE... ŶēŶ

*Each week we select any number of photos/jokes from the entries we receive for publication in ZOO, and select one photo/joke as the “Shout/Joke Of The Week”, which will win that week’s prize... class="page_container" data-page="21">

Joker Of The Week wins

an Xbox One and a ZOO goodie bag!

I saw a drawing of the

sun wearing sunglasses

I then