Language Teaching Publications 3 Sketches

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Language Teaching Publications

Uncle Bill’s Will

Englislh Teaching Plays - Teacher’s Notes

Cassetite Tape

ISBN 0 906717 68 X

© Language Teaching Publications 1986

All rights reserved No part of this publication may be reproduced,

stored ima retrieval system, or transmitted, in any’ form or by any means,

electromic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without

the priow permission of Language Teaching Publiccations

Performance permission

Permission to perform this play by studemts in school is

hereby given Any professional company sshould seek

permission from Language Teaching Publlications

Iam a teacher of English in Denmark I wrote this play for

my students They wanted a play with policemen and burglars where they could be funny and laugh

You can read this play like a story — a story in conversation Your teacher will give you one character to read Don’t just think about your character Listen to all the characters Then you will be able to say your lines with more meaning Say your own lines again and again until they sound natural Say them until you don’t have to think about them

Perhaps you will decide to learn the play by heart and put

on a performance — for the rest of the school or for your — parents This will take a lot of hard work, but it is also good

n

Doing a play is fun - and it-makes you feel good It’s great doing something in front of other people and seeing them enjoy it

If English is not your first language, there are two extra reasons for doing a play First, it will help you to speak better Secondly, other people will understand you, and this will make you feel better when you speak English

Remember — reading and acting in a play is fun!

Kaj

The Empty Safe

Act 1 In the restaurant of the Richmond Hotel

Act 2 In Mr Profit’s Office

Act 3 In the restaurant of the Richmond Hotel

Characters

Mr Bigbélly The manager of the Richmond Hotel

Mr Snoop The famous detective

Miss Wiggle A waitress

Sleepy A customer in the bar

Baton A police officer

Mrs Broom The cleaning lady

Mr Lovebottle =A customer in the bar

Mr Profit Owner of the Coffee Pot Construction

Company Miss Sweetsmile Mr Profit’s secretary

Mr Longtalk A businessman

Miss Skylark A nightclub singer

Mrs Patricia The jealous wife of Mr Profit

Profit

Moonlight A security guard

Daydream A security guard

4

Act 1

The Restaurant of the Richmond Hotel

At the back of the stage there is a bar with glasses and bottles Near the front of the stage there are four tables with tablecloths and some chairs The main entrance is to the right To the lefta door leads into the kitchen Next to the door there is a small platform with a curtain through which the singer can enter the

Mr Bigbelly is standing behind the bar Sleepy is sitting at a lable, reading a newspaper In front of him there is an empty plate with the salt and pepper Snoop enters through the main entrance

BIGBELLY Hello, how are you?

SNOOP Very well, thank you And you?

BIGBELLY _ Fine, thanks Aren’t you tired? It’s rather

late

SNOOP No, not at all Do you think I could have a

cup of coffee?

BIGBELLY Yes, just amoment Miss Wiggle!

Hella! Miss Wiggle!

WIGGLE (enters from kitchen)

BIGBELLY Yes, I did a cup of coffee for Mr Snoop,

our great detective

WIGGLE How are you, Mr Snoop Please sit down

(Snoop sits down at the table next to Sleepy Sleepy snores Snoop looks around to see where the sound has come from Sleepy snores again The newspaper sinks Snoop looks at bim.)

WIGGLE Do you take sugar?

A sandwich, please A ham sandwich

Pll bring your tea as fast as I can

Coffee! I said coffee!

No, no, nobody’s dead No coffins

Go back to sleep I'll bring your coffee, sOrry

Ah, coffee!

Yes I’m not dead

(Sleepy hides behind his newspaper Miss Wiggle brings a cup and saucer to Mr Snoop's table She is nervous Her band is shaking ) Just take it easy Slow down I can wait

There’s no rush

Oh no, Mr Snoop It won’t be long

(She exits through the kitchen door)

BIGBELLY SNOOP BIGBELLY SNOOP BIGBELLY SNOOP BIGBELLY SNOOP BIGBELLY SNOOP BIGBELLY SNOOP BIGBELLY SNOOP

BIGBELLY SNOOP

SLEEPY

SNOOP SLEEPY

WIGGLE

So you’re not in a hurry, then?

No P'm off duty now

Has it been a hard day?

In other words, a pleasant day?

No, deadly Crime’s my job and I like to

be busy, not too busy, just busy Crime can happen anywhere — even here — even in the Richmond Hote] - even in this very room! You never know

(Sleepy's newspaper slides on to the table Sleepy bas fallen asleep again ) -

May I borrow your paper?

(Sleepy snores.) May I borrow your paper?

(Sleepy wakes up.) The pepper? Yes, of course

(Sleepy passes the pepper to Snoop.) Here you are

Sorry I didn’t askifor the pepper

You didn’t? I nought you did - (Sleepy hides bebifid his newspaper.) (Wiggle enters with a tray.)

Here you are, Mr Snoop, Your coffee, your milk, your sugar

I don’t take milk | don’t take sugar

Oh, sorry, Mr Snoop Here you are, your cheese sandwich

Cheese? I don’t like cheese I hate cheese

Cheese makes me sick | asked for ham — not cheese — not tomato — not cucumber

— HAM ~ aham sandwich

Bole ⁄Z^

I dont like cheese I nate cheese!

Oh, I'm so sorry I have a terrible memory

Never mind Forget it

Get Mr Snoop a new sandwich Ham And hurry up Don’t just stand there, girl — move I’m sorry Mr Snoop So you’ve had a quiet day?

(Wiggle takes the sugar bowl and goes to the

kitchen door Baton enters through the main

entrance They collide The sugar bowl! falls to : the floor.)

Sorry

Oh, sorry Oh I’m terribly sorry I’m really

very sorry

It doesn’t matter Get out — Shoo!

(Wiggle picks up the sugar bowl and runs out

through the kitchen door.) Come and sit down Baton

BATON BIGBELLY BATON BIGBELLY BATON

SNOOP BATON

BATON BROOM BATON

BIGBELLY BROOM BIGBELLY BROOM

BIGBELLY BROOM BIGBELLY BROOM BIGBELLY

BROOM

No thank you, Sir, I’m on duty

Did you hurt yourself there?

No, I’m all right

Would you like a cup of tea?

No thank you, Sir I’m out on patrol I never drink on patrol

Sorry

Oh, I’m terribly sorry

(Picks up the dustpan and hands it to Broom)

Don’t mention it Goodbye

(Baton goes out through the main entrance.)

What are you doing in the bar?

Miss Wiggle sent me She said you had ajob for me What do you want me to do?

Sweep the floor, please

Sweep the floor? That'll take me ages Look

at the time I’ve finished for the day

OK, [hate cleaning, but need the money

(Miss Wiggle enters from the kitchen Arthur

Lovebottle enters through the main entrance

Broom continues to sweep the floor.) LOVEBOTTLE Hello Miss Wiggle.

Good evening Mr Lovebottle

You are so pretty, Miss Wiggle You may call

me Arthur

Oh no, Mr Lovebottle That won’t do No,

that won't do at ail

Oh yes, it will Please call me Arthur

(He sits down at a table On the table there is a

“Reserved” sign ) I'm afraid you can’t sit at that table, Mr

Lovebottle You'll have to move, I’m afraid

Why?

(pointing to the sign)

Can’t you read

Sorry, I didn’t see it I didn’t see anything but you (reads ) Is it reserved?

Yes That’s what the sign says It’s reserved for Mr Profit

And who’s he?

Have you never heard of Mr Profit and the Coffee Pot Construction Company?

No Never

He’s the director The table is reserved for

him, his secretary, and one of his business friends

Is he rich?

He’s a millionaire

He's a millronaive

LOVEBOTTLE Really? I would like to be a millionaire too

BIGBELLY

PROFIT SLEEPY WIGGLE

PROFIT BIGBELLY PROFIT LONGTALK

BIGBELLY PROFIT SWEETSMILE PROFIT BIGBELLY PROFIT

If I were a millionaire, I would come here every day and ask you to marry me We would fly away to a beautiful island and have lots of beautiful children

You can have a cup of coffee and a beautiful cheese sandwich

(She takes the tray with the coffee pot and the cheese sandwich from Snoop’s table and puts itin front of him Norman Profit enters

through the main entrance, followed by Miss

Sweetsmile and Mr Longtalk.)

Good evening, Sir This table here is

reserved for you It’s our best table

(Profit draws out a chair for Miss Sweetsmile.)

Sit down, honey (Sleepy wakes up.) Money Who said money? Do you want

me to pay now?

Honey, —- not money — Oh go back to

sleep!

(Sleepy hides behind his paper.)

May we have the menu, please?

Certainly, Sir, here you are

What are you going to have?

I think Pll have roast turkey That’s my

One roast turkey

And what does my sweet little secretary

want?

Could I have turkey too, please — Turkey for my little honeypot

Two roast turkey

Make it three And a glass of whisky while we're waiting

(Bigbelly goes to the kitchen door.)

11

BIGBELLY (Shouts)

Three roast turkey

(to Wiggle And three glasses of whisky

(Wiggle brings a bottle of whisky and three glasses from the bar She pours.)

Cheers!

(They drink.)

OK, Mr Longtalk, what is this all about?

LONGTALK Why don’t you make coloured ones? Sorry? What did you say?

Everyone likes colour Believe me, you'd sell

a lot more coffeepots if they were coloured Look

(He takes out an advertising brochure.) Just have a look at this red blue

brown orange purple pink LONGTALK = Mr Profit, I’m a businessman — as you Hawaii-blue emerald green 7”

know

PROFIT So am I I make coffeepots and J sell SWEETSMILE (whispers) He sells paint

LONGTALK And you sell a lot of coffeepots, don’t you

You bet your life I do My whole life is coffeepots What do you sell?

Well, something that could make your coffeepots better

That’s impossible We make the best coffeepots in the whole wide world Our coffeepots are second to none

That’s right, my darling

I know that But to be honest, they are a bit, mm old-fashioned In my opinion, of course

Coloured coffeepots That’s a lousy idea

Forget it Cheers

(They drink.)

Do you sell a lot of these white coffeepots?

I'm not complaining Business is good

Good But perhaps it could be better Why don’t you make them in different colours?

LONGTALK

BIGBELLY

He wants you to buy his paint Don’t do it

He just wants to make money That’s all he’s after

I can see that, my darling But take it easy I

won't do it

(loudly) You want to do a deal?

That’s the whole idea, Mr Profit

Well, I'm not interested Not interested at

all Cheers, everyone

(They drink Some people enter through the

main entrance They go to the empty chairs or

to the bar They are served by Wiggle During the entertainment they are the audience along with the actors who are already on stage Bigbelly comes on to the platform.)

Ladies and Gentlemen May I have your attention, please Thank you It’s time now

for the Richmond Dinner Cabaret Tonight

we're going to present you with a whole

bunch of big stars First of all, give a warm

welcome to the famous singer, Miss Susan

Skylark

(The audience shout, whistle, and clap.)

Am I right when I say we all love her?

13

Well, here she comes Miss Susan Skylark!

(Skylark enters through the curtain The audience clap.)

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you Welcome to the show Tonight ’m going to sing some of our beautiful old songs Please join in if you'd like

My Bonnie is over the ocean,

Bring back, bring back,

Ob bring back my Bonnie to me

SKYLARK

Oh, blow ye winds over the ocean,

Oh, blow ye winds over the sea,

Oh, blow ye winds over the ocean, And bring back my Bonnie to me

Chorus Last night as I lay on my pillow, Last night as I lay on my bed, Last night as I lay on my pillow,

I dreamed that my Bonnie was dead

Chorus

The winds have blown over the ocean

The winds have blown over the sea,

The winds have blown over the ocean And brought back my Bonnie to me

Chorus: Brought back, brought back

I may be off my dot, but I want a cup of coffee

in a proper coffee pot

Tin coffee pots or iron coffee pots are no use to me

When I can’t get a proper cup of coffee

in a proper copper coffee pot, Pll have a cup of tea

Thank you, Miss Skylark Will you do me a favour please?

I'd be glad to

Sing a love song

Anything special?

How about the Ballad of the Foggy Foggy

ew

When I was a bachelor, I lived all alone

I worked at the weaver’s trade

And the only, only thing that I did that was

wrong

Was to woo a fair young maid

I wooed her in the wintertime, Part of the summer, too

And the only, only thing that I did that was

wrong,

Was to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew

One night she knelt close by my side When [ was fast asleep,

She threw her arms around my neck,

And then began to weep

She wept, she cried, she tore her hair,

Ah, me, what could I do?

So all night long Lheld her in my arms, Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew

15

Again I’m a bachelor, I live with my son,

e work at the weaver’s trade;

And every single time that I look into his eyes,

He reminds me of the fair young maid

He reminds me of the wintertime

Part of the summer, too,

And the many, many times that I held her in

my arms, Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew

That’s the end of the entertainment, Ladies

and Gentlemen The bar is still open So,

have a good time

So you're a rich man, Mr Profit?

Oh yes ’'m making a lot of money with my coffeepots Just ask Miss Sweetsmile here

What do you say, honey?

Oh, Norman’s very rich

All his money

In the safe, of course

My safe is full of money When I need © some, I just open it I don’t believe in banks

Do you ever forget the combination number?

Oh no It’s very easy to remember 10 9 8 /7 1 2 43

(in a loud whisper)

10 9 8 7 1 2 3

Cheers, Mr Longtalk You're a creat ony but

m not going to buy any of your paint |

don’t believe in coloured coffeepots

(They drink Patricia Profit enters through the main entrance She sees Profit and Sweetsmile

Yhey don't see her.)

PROFIT SWEETSMILE PROFIT SWEETSMILE PROFIT SWEETSMILE PROFIT PATRICIA

PROFIT SWEETSMILE

PATRICIA

PROFIT AUDIENCE

- PATRICIA

PPAR PROETE

Oh no, Norman not now

When, honey, when?

Later, when we're all alone

I can’t wait until later

(standing behind Profit) You'll have to

tàu: [| hove to,

(to Sweetsmile) What did you say?

(discovering Patricia )

Me? I didn’t say anything

Yes you did

Oh come on, Norman, ` dit with my

own ears You said, “fuss me.” You said it to

that woman!

No, I just

17

PATRICIA Shut up Youre a married man Never forget

that And I'm your wife

PROFIT Are you angry, dear?

Angry? OF course I am

PATRICIA Angry? Of course Iam I won’t have you

kissing other women I’m just not standing for it Stand up You’re going home now

We're going home now

(She takes him by the collar and drags him out.)

BIGBELLY Mrs Profit, you forgot your bag!

(She doesn't hear him and continues out.)

Oh, what a mess! And it was such a nice evening Miss Skylark!

(She enters.) Sing us a song

EVERYBODY Brought back, brought back,

Oh brought back my Bonnie to me, to me

Brought back, brought back,

Oh brought back my Bonnie to me

LOVEBOTTLE 10 9 8 1 2 3 turn

( He tries to turn the lock, but can’t) Damn it’s not working Pll try again 10 9 8 3 2 1

(He tries to turn the lock.) - It’s still not working Oh, it’s warm in here [’ll take off my scarf

(He takes it offand puts it on the floor beside the safe.)

Now 10 9 (He stops and listerts ) What's that? Sounds like footsteps I think someone’s coming

(He hides behind the desk Longtalk enters from the right with a torch and goes to the safe

in the same way as Lovebottle ) LONGTALK 10 9 8 1 2 3 turn

(He tries to turn the lock but can’t) Damn It won’t open Pil try again 10 9 8 7 3 2 1

(He tries to turn it again.) It’s still not working Oh, it’s warm in here PH take my scarf off (He takes it off aiid puts it on the floor He discovers

Lovebottle’s scarf He takes his torch and searches the room with the light Lovebottle comes out from behind the desk.)

19

pire

LONIGTALK 0 s „th co you think you’re doing?

LOVEBOTTIE Yes LON GTALK rou Who else? « |

10 VEBOTTT _ «hu looking for Mr Profit

LONGT ~£' Under his deskl In the middle of the night?

z That's yuite normal I want to sell my idea

The safe is closed

And von know why it’s closed, don’t you

Vt open it

ING couid you

(He picks up Lovebottle’s scarf ) This is yours, isn’t it

(The phone rings.) I'm not answering it

Neither am I _ You'll have to } +: were here first

And I’m going t: be the first to leave

(He tiptoes towards the door.)

Wait for me

(He drops the scarf and follows Lovebottle

Suddenly they stop and listen.)

Somebody’s coming

Let’s hide

(They hide behind the desk The phone goes

on ringing Moonlight rushes in from the right, out of breath He turns on the light and grabs the receiver.)

(without listening) Wrong number

(He puts the phone down and relaxes )

Oh, what a fool Lam Why did [rush all the

way up from the first floor, just to say

“Wrong number”? It’s none of my

business to answer the telephone ’'m only

DAYDREAM

MOONLIGHT

DAYDREAM

a security guard, remember that!

' (The phone rings)

Stop that!

(He grabs the receiver)

WRONG NUMBER!!

If were you I wouldn't ring again that’s it, there’s a good boy

(The phone rings)

WRONG NUMBER!! Don’t you

understand? I said wrong number

(He puts the receiver down and takes outa

Now if you ring one more ume

(Daydream enters from the left.)

desk Their hands are not seen by Daydream

Oh, yes, of course

(He puts the revolver in bis pocket All arms go town.)

je matter?

It’s that telephone It’s driving me mad It rings and rings and rings and rings

“at’s wrong with that

mber It’s always the wrong

number!

(The telephone rings ) Why don’t you answer it?

It'll be some madman

It might be important Maybe it’s somebody calling Mr Profit

In the middle of the night! You're crazy

(Daydream picks up the receiver.) Hello? (He listens, then turns to Moonlight)

Its a lady She wants to know why the lights are on

Does she? (in a loud voice) Well, I turned

them on

(still on the telephone)

Why? He’s a security guard, madman, sorry, Madam (to Moonlight)

She wants to know when you're going to switch them off

Now We're leaving straightaway And we're

not going to answer the telephone any more tonight Tell her she should be asleep

at this time of night!

DAYDREAM

LOVEBOTTLE

PROFIT

SWEETSMILE PROFIT SWEETSMILE PROFIT

No, Madam We’re not coming back We’re going home now Goodbye yes we are switching them off now

(He puts the receiver down.) Well, we'd better go

(They switch off the lights and leave the stage

to the left Very slowly Lovebottle and Longtalk

get up from behind the desk

Let’s get out of here It’s a madhouse!

(They tiptoe out to the right Fora moment the stage is dark and empty Suddenly there is the sound of footsteps and a person appears from

the left in a large coat and with a scarf round their head The person goes to the safe,

whispers the right code number and opens the

safe After a while the person tiptoes oul again

to the left After a few seconds Profit and

Sweetsmile enter from the right He switches

on the light.)

Oh sweetheart At last we are alone Kiss

me, little honeypot

Look! The safe is open

What? You're right? It’s open What has happened?

It’s all gone

No, it’s not true! Good Lord! I’m ruined!

What are we going to do?

Call the police

You're right Good thinking Pll call the police

(He dials)

Nine, nine, nine Hello, my name’s Norman Profit I’m the manager of the Coffee Pot Construction Company ve been robbed Someone has broken into my office and emptied my safe I’m ruined

You'd better come at once Thank you, thank you

(He puts down the receiver.) He’s coming

Who's coming?

Detective Snoop

The famous detective Snoop?

Yes

You may kiss me now, Norman

Kiss you? No No Not now Oh my money, honey! My money, honey!

(Snoop enters with Baton from the right ) Good morning, Sir

Good morning This lady is my secretary

Now what has happened?

Look When we came in, the safe was open

And all my money was gone

Don’t worry Snoop will catch them He'll get them

(Snoop walks around He finds one of the scarves )

(to Sweetsmile )

Is this scarf yours?

No

SNOOP Are you sure?

SWEETSMILE Quite sure

SNOOP (to Profit) Is it yours?

PROFIT No Do you think you'll get my money back? BATON Don’t worry Snoop will catch them He’ll

get them

(finding the other scarf) SNOOP Is this scarf yours?

SWEETSMILE No I’m quite sure

SNOOP (1o Profit) Is it yours?

PROFIT No When will you find my money? How

long will it take you?

BATON Don’t worry Snoop will catch them He'll

get them

(Snoop takes out a magnifying-glass and examines the safe.)

SNOOP No, it isn’t Look Here’s a hair

(He looks at it with the magnifying-glass Then

he looks at Sweetsmile’s hair and Profit’s.) It’s not yours ,andit’snot yours - PROFIT Whose is it?

BATON Don’t worry Snoop will catch them He'll

get them

SNOOP Let’s go to the Richmond Hotel

(He gives the hair to Baton.) Look after this hair

(Baton takes the hair and holds it very carefully )

BATON We'll catch them We'll get them

END OF ACT TWO

25

Act 3

The Richmond Hotel The same set as in the first act Bigbelly

and Miss Wiggle are at the bar Lovebottle is sitting at one table

Longtalk and Sleepy at another Broom enters She is very

excited

BROOM Have you heard the news?

BROOM So you haven't heard about the burglary?

WIGGLE What has happened?

BROOM Somebody has robbed Mr Profit

WIGGLE Oh no, that’s terrible Who would do a

thing like that?

LOVEBOTTLE Is it true?

BROOM Yes, itis it’s in the paper

LONGTALK = What happened to all his money?

BROOM The money was stolen every last penny

has gone

LOVEBOTTLE All of it?

BIGBELLY That’s terrible Get Miss Skylark She must

sing a song to cheer us up Miss Skylark!

SKYLARK What’s the matter?

WIGGLE Something terrible has happened

Somebody has taken all Mr Profit’s money

SKYLARK Oh, yes, it’s a disaster I heard it on the

radio All his money’s been stolen

BIGBELLY Sing us a song and make us happy again

SKYLARK I can’t I can’t sing I’m too upset Poor Mr

Profit Look My hands are shaking Pm trembling at the thought

‘LONGTALK ~—s (Jo Lovebottle) 1 think she’s the u ‘cf

‘LOVEBOTTLE Ohyes the lady on the relephc ©

BROOM Sing a song, Miss Slo cark

26

SKYLARK I can’t You must understand I’m a sensitive

woman I can’t sing now

(Snoop, Baton, Profit and Sweetsmile enter through the main entrance Baton is carrying the hair.)

BATON In the name of the Law: Stay where you

are Nobody leave the room

Mrs Broom? Who's calling Mrs Broom? There she is at the bar

BIGBELLY Oh, go back to sleep Welcome Mr Snoop

We've heard about the burglary Do you think you can find the thief?

BATON Don’t worry Snoop will catch them He’ll

get them

LOVEBOTTLE Look at her hands She must be very

nervous

LONGTALK —= She must have a bad conscience

SKYLARK I’m not the thief I’ve never seen Mr Profit’s

office ’'ve never seen the safe

LOVEBOTTLE Don’t trust her

(Snoop looks at Loveb: ‘tle He takes out bis scarf.)

SNOOP (To Louebotle) Is thi- - tr scar”

snoor ` ol ¢ How did you know? agit) Th ripht.!l 7 ey: dic 2

-BOLis He was in the office 190 | SNOOP (To Longtalk) OW vor Sy" ou!

Neither could he

OK Then it’s obvious You are not the thief and you are not the thief You are both too stupid!

There you are! You can depend on Snoop

(Moonlight and Daydream enter through the main entrance )

(to Snoop) Good morning, Sir You sent for

No It was closed

But the telephone rang and a lady asked me

when are you leaving?

A lady?

(pointing at Skylarkz) What about her?

Oh no, she was here all evening singing for the guests

I see (to Skylark) You are not the thief And for the same reason Mr Bigbelly isn’t the thief either

Maybe it’s the clearaing lady

Me? Oh, come on ¥ou had all the money in the safe How mucti?

Two million pounds

Now listen If [hac ve million por7 wouldn’t be standing here a wo ‹ bẻ on

my way to Sout) Anger ¿- _ di’t you?

SNOOP BROOM

PROFIT

WIGGLE PROFIT SNOOP PROFIT BATON LONGTALK SNOOP

PROFIT

BIGBELLY PATRICIA B: BEL sNCOP

Yes, of course You are not the thief Don’t worry Mrs Broom

(points at Sweetsmile) What about her? Maybe she was the lady on the phone Maybe she crept in and stole the money

No that’s impossible She has been with me all the time Besides, she is in love with me I’m going to marry her

But you're already married You can 't have

two wives

I'm going to get divorced

So you're not the thief

My money, my money, my money Where is it?

Don’t worry Snoop will catch them He'll get them!

(pointing to Miss Wiggle °

It must be her then Sh: theo: one tit

No It can t be her She has a ve

memor: She couldn’t even ¡€i - ham sa: (lwich — nevernp :¡d t combi .!ion for the safe!

Youw tgiveup,Mr.Snoc: - you? (Pe Profitenters with:: —:«se.)

Ce -Ornibx++a7— 7

—~ vd morning | forgot n., bag

vos We found it Here vou are

MTR,

(He takes out the ma, -,

Well, well, well Baton

(Baton gives bin the hai snoop uxamines tt and nods.)

Mes Profit, may ! case?

1a a lookK insid: vour

29

(Baton puts the case on a table and opens it

Snoop takes out a ticket.) What’s this? British Airways A one-way ticket to South America? And what’s this?

(He holds up the case so that everybody on stage can see what's in it.)

Oh no, it’s not fair I deserve the money It’s mine I took it because he doesn’t love me

any more He wants a divorce He wants to

marry that woman just because she is young and beautiful And what about me?

What am I going to do? Who wants to

marry me? Nobody wants to marry an old woman with no money

Come on, Mrs Profit You can tell us all

about it down at the Police Station

You see Snoop caught her He got her

“Raton, Snoop and Mrs Profit leave.) ( “ing the money) Oh my money, my

mo = ‘Thank you Mi Snoop

Drink the house

Sonowy = see that crime will never pay

Right will +s have its way

PROFIT SKYLARK

THE END

If you have a problem, just call on Snoop

(with everyone)

For he’s a jolly good fellow

For he’s a jolly good fellow

For he’s a jolly good fellow

And so say all of us

31

Before you read the play

1 Do you belong to any special group — a sports club? The Scouts? Why did you join?

2 Is there a group you would like to join, but cannot?

3 Have you ever been a member ofa ‘gang’? Why did you join? Did you have to do anything special in order to become a member?

4 Do you ever wear a uniform? When? What is it like? Do you feel different when you put it on?

Poor Albert

This is a play about group pressure and self-confidence The central character is Albert He starts with very little self- confidence There are two main groups — the greens and the yellows — each with a leader There is a third group — the spectators When the play is performed with an

audience, the spectators can sit among the audience

Ah, good old yellow I love yellow (Green Leader enters from the right with

a green scarf.) What did you say?

I love yellow

Green is better much better

No You're wrong there I prefer yellow

You do? You're crazy Green’s my colour, and I’m going to stay green (Albert enters He stands between Yellow and Green Yellow Leader offers Albert his scarf and smiles )

albert goes up to Yellow Leader and

feels the scarf.) It’s very nice, isn’t it

(Green Leader holds out his hand with

the scarfand smiles )

Albert? Come on Go on Have a look

at mine

(Albert becomes doubtful He goes up to

Green Leader and feels bis scarf.)

Oh, Albert, don’t you think that yellow is beautiful?

(Albert looks doubtful.)

Yellow is a very nice colour, really

very nice

(Albert lets go of the green scarfand

goes back towards Yellow Leader.)

That’s right That’s better

But there’s something special about

green, isn’t there

(Albert turns round and goes back

towards Green Leader )

But you can’t do that You can’t go

back

(Albert stops between Yellow Leader and Green Leader: )

(tempting) Come on Albert

(tempting )Come on Albert my friend

(tempting ) Look, green’s lovely, isn’t it

(tempting ) But yellow is much better, ist it

(Albert looks from side to side Yellow Leader and Green Leader approach

Albert starts to get nervous He chooses the green scarf, and puts it on.)

GREEN LEADER ALBERT

GREEN LEADER YELLOW LEADER GREEN LEADER ALBERT

YELLOW LEADER ALBERT

YELLOW LEADER

ALBERT YELLOW LEADER

ALBERT

YELLOW LEADER

That’s right That’s the colour for you

It’s nice and warm

Oh, yes, and it suits you

Well, in my opinion, yellow would

suit you much better

Oh, come on

Do you think so?

I’m quite sure

Well er as you can see I’ve

chosen I’ve made up my mind Yes, it looks like it I can’t believe it In fact, ’'m astonished I always thought

you had good taste

Did you?

Oh yes You had a sense of beauty and quality You were always able to make the right decision You were confident

Well, I still am

(He takes off the scarf and gives it to

Green Leader without looking at him.)

(To Yellow Leader )\ just wanted to try

it on

Of course Why not! Very sensible I

would have done the same myself

You've made the right choice Here you are

(Yellow Leader gives the yellow scarf to Albert He puts it on.)

That’s it J must say it suits you

Congratulations You'll never regret it

Goodbye

(Yellow Leader shakes hands with

Albert and goes out to the left Albert looks at the scarf aid smiles.)

What's that? A yellow.scarf?

Yes, it’s nice, isn’t it

Well, to be honest, J think it’s a very peculiar idea

Do you?

(Green 2 enters from the right, also wearing a green scarf )

(To Green 2) Hello, look at him

What’s that? (to Albert) Do you prefer

yellow?

Yes, I do

I see (to Green 1) Funny idea, isn’t it

Is there anything wrong with yellow?

Oh no It’s a free country you can

do what you want even if it is

rather unusual

(Green 3 enters from the right, wearing

a green scarf.)

Have you seen that awful sight?

Oh no! What’s that he’s got on?

Well, I think it’s a scarf

So he prefers yellow, does he?

Tt certainly looks like it

‘,at a shame Poor guy Ah well, I

“pose everyone can have

b "al

(Gi “22% fom right, wearing a greens ` ¿2` tsatAlbert.) Goodnes © = = Green 3) Is he ill?

GREEN 3 GREEN 2

GREEN 1

GREEN 5

GREEN 6 GREEN 5 GREEN 6

GREEN LEADER

GREEN 7 GREEN 8 GREEN 7 GREEN 8 GREEN 7

No I’m afraid he’s in good health You know, some people are always trying to attract attention I suppose that’s his way of doing it

That’s probably all he could think of doing

(Green 5 enters from the right wearing a

green scarf He looks at Albert, puts his

Jirst finger to his forehead and turns it.) Pss pssss ve never seen

anything like that

(Green 6 enters from the right wearing a

green scarf.)

What on earth is that?

It’s unbelievable A yellow scarf He’s

wearing a yellow scarf What can I say? Nothing And I’ve got nothing to say either m astonished

(Albert feels very uncomfortable Green Leader stretches out his hand with a green scarf.)

Would you like to try it on again? I know it isn’t the colour you wanted, but it’s warm and soft

(Albert feels tempted, but hesitates Green 7 and 8 enter from the right wearing green Scarves )

(Shaking hands with the green

(Shaking hands with the green group )

Hello

Good grief

You aren't serious, are you?

( to Green 8) I've never seen anything

like that before What do you think?

II

(Green Leader stretches out his hand

with the green scarf.) There’s still time for you to change your mind, you know

(Albert takes off the yellow scarf and lets

it fall to the floor He takes the green scarf from Green Leader and puts it on.) Now that feels better, doesn’t it

Oh yes

And it suits you

(The green group change their attitude towards Albert They smile, pat him on the back, shake hands etc.)

Look! What a difference

Sorry about what I said I was wrong

So was I You really are all right after all

['m very happy we’ve met

So am I J apologize I thought you were nothing but a crackpot

Just forget all about it Now yourre just like one of us

Our friend forever

A member of the group

The green gang

See you later

(The green group go out to the right, whistling together a cheerful tune.)

Well, after all, green IS the best, isn’t

it, Yes, you're right

Goodbye

(Green Leader goes out to the right )

Scene 3

YELLOW 1 ALBERT YELLOW 1

YELLOW 2

YELLOW 3

YELLOW 4 YELLOW 3 YELLOW 4 YELLOW 3

YELLOW 5 YELLOW 2

YELLOW 6 ALL YELLOWS

Yellow 1 enters from the left, wearing a yellow scarf

Do you vote for green?

Yes

I see

(Yellow 2 enters from the left wearing a yellow scarf.)

Look He votes for green

Is that true? (to Albert) Youre not serious, are you

( Yellow 3 enters from the left wearing a yellow scarf.)

Look at him He votes for green Good grief Isn’t yellow good enough for you?

(Yellow 4 enters from the left wearing a yellow scarf )

Have you heard? Yellow isn’t good enough for him He votes for green Green! You must be joking

Pm not! Look

You're right Why?

I don’t know I don’t suppose he has ever thought about it

(Yellow 5 enters from the left wearing a yellow scarf.)

What’s that? A green scarf? Are you ill?

No, he’s not ill, just crazy

(Yellow 6 enters from the left wearing a

yellow scarf ) Who's crazy?

He is

_.13