Fifteen Years in Hell ppt

At the dawn of life, ay, in its very beginning,there came to me a bitter, deadly, unmerciful enemy, accompanied in those days by song and laughter--anenemy that was swift in getting me i

Fifteen Years in Hell

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Fifteen Years in Hell, by Luther Benson This eBook is for the use of anyoneanywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever You may copy it, give it away or re-use itunder the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.netTitle: Fifteen Years in Hell

Author: Luther Benson

Release Date: August 30, 2004 [EBook #13332]

Language: English

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FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL

CHAPTER II.

Birth, parentage and early education Early childhood Early events Memory of them vivid Bitter

desolation An active but uneasy life Breaking colts for amusement Amount of sleep Temperament hasmuch to do in the matter of drink The author to blame for his misspent life Inheritances The excellences of

my father and mother The road to ruin not wilfully trodden The people's indifference to a great danger Myassociates What became of them The customs of twenty years ago What might have been

CHAPTER III.

The old log school house My studies and discontent My first drink of liquor The companion of my firstdebauch One drink always fatal A horrible slavery A horseback ride on Sunday Raleigh Return

home "Dead drunk" My parents' shame and sorrow My own remorse An unhappy and silent

breakfast The anguish of my mother Gradual recovery Resolves and promises No pleasure in

drinking The system's final craving for liquor The hopelessness of the drunkard's condition The resistlesspower of appetite Possible escape The courage required The three laws Their violation and man's

atonement

CHAPTER IV.

School days at Fairview My first public outbreak A schoolmate Drive to Falmouth First drink at

Falmouth Disappointment Drive to Smelser's Mills Hostetter's Bitters The author's opinion of patentmedicines, bitters especially Boasting More liquor Difficulty in lighting a cigar A hound that got in badcompany Oysters at Falmouth, and what befell us while waiting for them Drunken slumber A hound in acrib Getting awake The owner of the hound Sobriety The Vienna jug Another debauch The

exhibition The end of the school term Starting to college at Cincinnati My companions The destructionwrought by alcohol Dr Johnson's declaration concerning the indulgence of this vice A warning A

dangerous fallacy Byron's inspiration Lord Brougham Sheridan Sue Swinburne Dr Carpenter's

opinion An erroneous idea Temperance the best aid to thought

CHAPTER V.

Quit college Shattered nerves Summer and autumn days Improvement Picnic parties A fall An untimelystorm Crawford's beer and ale Beer brawls County fairs and their influence on my life My yoke of whiteoxen The "red ribbon" "One McPhillipps" How I got home and how I found myself in the morning Mymother's agony A day of teaching under difficulties Quiet again Law studies at Connersville "Out on aspree" What a spree means

CHAPTER VI.

Law practice at Rushville Bright prospects The blight From bad to worse My mother's death My solemnpromise to her "Broken, oh, God!" Reflection My remorse The memory of my mother A young man'sduty Blessed are the pure in heart The grave Young man, murder not your mother Rum A knife which isnever red with blood, but which has severed souls and stabbed thousands to death The desolation and deathwhich are in alcohol

CHAPTER VII.

Blank, black night Afloat From place to place No rest Struggles Giving way One gallon of whisky intwenty-four hours Plowing corn Husking corn My object All in vain Old before my time A wild,oblivious journey Delirium tremens The horrors of hell The pains of the damned Heavenly hosts Myrelease New tortures Insane wanderings In the woods At Mr Hinchman's Frozen feet Drive to town in abuggy surrounded by devils Fears and sorrows No rest

CHAPTER VIII.

Wretchedness and degradation Clothes, credit, and reputation all lost The prodigal's return to his father'shouse Familiar scenes The beauty of nature My lack of feeling A wild horse I ride him to Raleigh andget drunk A mixture of vile poison My ride and fall The broken stirrups My father's search I get homeonce more Depart the same day on the wild horse A week at Lewisville Sick Yearnings for sympathy

CHAPTER IX.

The ever-recurring spell Writing in the sand Hartford City In the Ditch Extricated Fairly started Atelegram My brother's death Sober A long night Ride home Palpitation of the heart Bluffton The

inevitable Delirium again No friends, money, nor clothes One hundred miles from home I take a

walk Clinton county Engage to teach a school The lobbies of hell Arrested Flight to the country Openschool A failure Return home The beginning of a terrible experience Two months of uninterrupted

drinking Coatless, hatless, and, bootless The "Blue Goose" The tremens Inflammatory rheumatism Thetorments of the damned Walking on crutches Drive to Rushville Another drunk Pawn my clothes AtIndianapolis A cold bath The consequence Teaching school Satisfaction given The kindness of DanielBaker and his wife A paying practice at law

CHAPTER X.

The "Baxter Law" Its injustice Appetite is not controlled by legislation Indictments What they amountto "Not guilty" The Indianapolis police The Rushville grand jury Start home afoot Fear The cominghead-light A desire to end my miserable existence "Now is the time" A struggle in which life wins Flightacross the fields Bathing in dew Hiding from the officers My condition Prayer My unimaginable

sufferings Advised to lecture The time I began to lecture

CHAPTER XI.

My first lecture A cold and disagreeable evening A fair audience My success Lecture at Fairview Thepeople turn out en masse At Rushville Dread of appearing before the audience Hesitation I go on the stageand am greeted with applause My fright I throw off my father's old coat and stand forth Begin to speak,and soon warm to my subject I make a lecture tour Four hundred and seventy lectures in Indiana Attitude

of the press The aid of the good Opposition and falsehood Unkind criticism Tattle mongers Ten months

of sobriety My fall Attempt to commit suicide Inflict an ugly but not dangerous wound on myself Ask thesheriff to lock me in the jail Renewed effort The campaign of '74 "Local option."

CHAPTER XII.

Struggle for life A cry of warning "Why don't you quit?" Solitude, separation, banishment No quarterasked The rumseller A risk no man should incur The woman's temperance convention at Indianapolis AtRichmond The bloated druggist "Death and damnation" At the Galt House The three distinct properties ofalcohol Ten days in Cincinnati The delirium tremens My horrible sufferings The stick that turned to aserpent A world of devils Flying in dread I go to Connersville, Indiana My condition grows worse Hell,horrors, and torments The horrid sights of a drunkard's madness

CHAPTER XIII.

Recovery Trip to Maine Lecturing in that State Dr Reynolds, the "Dare to do right" reformer Return toIndianapolis Lecturing Newspaper extracts The criticisms of the press Private letters of encouragement Friends dear to memory Sacred names

CHAPTER XIV.

At home again Overwork Shattered nerves Downward to hell Conceive the idea of traveling with someone Leave Indianapolis on a third tour east in company with Gen Macauley Separate from him at Buffalo I

go on to New York alone Trading clothes for whisky Delirious wanderings Jersey City In the

calaboose Deathly sick An insane neighbor Another In court "John Dalton" "Here! your

honor" Discharged Boston Drunk At the residence of Junius Brutus Booth Lecturing

again Home Converted Go to Boston Attend the Moody and Sankey meetings Get drunk Home oncemore Committed to the asylum Reflections The shadow which whispered "Go away!"

CHAPTER XV.

A sleepless night Try to write on the following day but fail My friends consult with the officers of theinstitution I am discharged Go to Indianapolis and get drunk My wanderings and horrible sufferings Alcohol The tyrant whom all should slay What is lost by the drunkard Is anything gained by the use ofliquor? Never touch it in any form It leads to ruin and death Better blow your brains out My condition atpresent The end

PREFACE

The days of long prefaces are past It is also too near the end of the century to indulge in fulsome dedications

I shall, therefore, trouble the reader with only a brief introduction to this imperfect history of an imperfect life.The conditions under which I write necessarily make it lacking in much that would ordinarily have added toits interest I write within the Indiana Asylum for the Insane; I have not the means of information at handwhich I should have to make the work what it should be, and notes which I had taken from time to time, with

a view of using them, have unfortunately been lost Much of my life is a complete blank to me, as I haveoften, very often, alas! gone for days oblivious to every act and thing, as dead to all about me as the stones ofthe pavement are dumb Nor can I connect a succession of incidents one after the other as they occurred in theregular course of my life The reader is asked to be merciful in his judgment and pardon the imperfectionswhich I fear abound in the book The title, "FIFTEEN YEARS IN HELL," may, to some, seem irreverent orprofane, but let me assure any such that it is the mildest I can find which conveys an idea of the facts Expectnothing ornate or romantic The path along which you who walk with me will go is not a flowery one Itsshadows are those of the cypress and yew; its skies are curtained with funereal clouds; its beginning is agloom and its end is a mad house But go with me, for you can suffer no harm, and a knowledge of what youwill see may lead you to warn others who are in danger of doing as I have done Unless help comes to mefrom on high, I feel that I am near the end of my weary and sorrow-laden pilgrimage on earth You who are inthe light, I speak to you from the shadow; you who suffer, I speak to you from the depths; you who are dying,perhaps I may speak to you from the world of the dead; in any case the words herein written are the truth

CHAPTER I.

Early shadows An unmerciful enemy The miseries of the curse Sorrow and gloom What alcohol robs manof What it does What it does not do Surrounding evils Blighted homes A Titan devil The utterness ofthe destroyer A truthful narrative "It stingeth like an adder."

Truth, said Lord Byron, is stranger than fiction He was right, for so it is Another has declared that if any manshould write a faithful history of his own career, the work would be an interesting one The question nowarises, does any man dare to be sufficiently candid to write such a work? Is there no secret baseness he wouldhide? no act which, proper to be told, he would swerve from the truth to tell in his own favor? Undoubtedly,many Doubtless it is well that few have the resolution or inclination to chronicle their faults and failings.How many, too, would shrink from making a public display of their miserable experiences for fear of beingaccused of glorying in their past shame, or of parading a pride that apes humility I pretend to no talent, but if

a too true story of suffering may interest, and at the same time alarm, I can promise matter enough, andunembellished, too, for no embellishment is needed, as all my sketches are from the life The incidents willnot be found to be consecutive, but set down as certain scenes occur to my recollection heedless of order,style, or system Each is a record of shame, suffering, destitution and disgrace I have all my life stood withoutand gazed longingly through gateways which relentlessly barred me from the light and warmth and glory,which, though never for me, was shining beyond From the day that consciousness came to me in this world Ihave been miserable In early childhood I swam, as it were, in a dark sea of sorrow whose sad waves foreverbeat over me with a prophetic wail of desolations and storms to come During the years of boyhood, whenothers were thoughtless and full of joy, the sun's rays were hidden from my sight and I groped hopelesslyforward, praying in vain for an end of misery Out of such a boyhood there came as what else could come? a

manhood all imperfect, clothed with gloom, haunted by horror, and familiar with undefinable terrors whichhave weighed upon my heart until I have cried to myself that it would break until I have almost prayed that itwould break and thereby free me from the bondage of my pitiless master, Woe! To-day walled within a prisonfor madmen, looking from a window whose grating is iron, the sole occupant of a room as blank as the leaf ofhappiness is to me, I abandon every hope On this side the silence which we call death that silence whichinhabits the dismal grave, there is for me only sorrow and agony keener than has ever before made gray andold before its time the heart of man Thirty years! and what are they? what have they been? Patience, and asbest I can, I will unfold their record Thirty years! and I feel that the weight of a world's wretchedness has lainupon me for thrice their number of terrible days! Every effort of my life has been a failure Surely and steadilythe hand of misfortune has crushed me until I have looked forward to my bier as a blessed bed of repose restfrom weariness forgetfulness of remorse escape from misery At the dawn of life, ay, in its very beginning,there came to me a bitter, deadly, unmerciful enemy, accompanied in those days by song and laughter anenemy that was swift in getting me in his power, and who, when I was once securely his victim, turned alllaughter into wailing, and all songs into sobbing, and pressed to my bloated lips his poisonous chalice which Ihave ever found full of the stinging adders of hell and death Too well do I know what it is to feel the burningand jagged links of the devil's chain cutting through my quivering flesh to the shrinking bone to feel mynerves tremble with agony, and my brain burn as if bathed in liquids of fire too well, I say, do I know whatthese things are, for I have felt them intensified again and again, ten thousand times The infinite God aloneknows the deep abyss of my sorrow, and help, if help be possible, can come from him alone.

I shall not attempt in these pages any learned disquisition upon the nature of alcohol its hideous effects on thesystem how it disarranges all the functions of the body how it impairs health blots out memory, dethronesreason, and destroys the very soul itself how it gives to the whole body an unnatural and unhealthy action,crucifying the flesh, blood, bones and marrow how it paints hell in the mind and torture on the heart, andstrangles hope with despair

Nor shall I discuss the terrible and overshadowing evils, financial and social, inflicted by it on every class ofsociety Like the trail of the serpent it is over all Look where you will, turn where you may, you can not beblind to its evils It despoils manhood of all that makes manhood desirable; it plucks hope from the breast ofthe weeping wife with a hand of ice; it robs the orphan of his bread crumb, and says to the gates of

penitentiaries, "Open wide and often to the criminals who became my slaves before they committed crime."The evils of which I speak are not unknown to you, but have you considered them as things real? Have youfought them as present and near dangers? You have heard the wild sounds of drunken revelry mingling withthe night winds; you have heard the shrieks and sobs, and seen the streaming, sunken eyes of dying women;you have heard the unprotected and unfriended orphans' cry echoed from a thousand blighted homes andsqualid tenements; you have seen the outcast family of the inebriate wandering houseless upon the highways,

or shivering on the streets; you have shuddered at the sound of the maniac's scream upon the burdened air;you have beheld the human form divine despoiled of every humanizing attribute, transformed from an angelinto a devil; you have seen virtue crushed by vice; the bright eye lose its lustre, the lips their power of

articulation; you have seen what was clean become foul, what was upright become crooked, what was highbecome low man, first in the order of created things, sunken to a level with brute beasts; and after all theseyou have or may have said to yourself, "All this is the work of the terrible demon, alcohol."

I shall not attempt to paint any of the countless scenes of degradation, and horror, and misery, which thisdemon has caused to be enacted I shall leave without comment the endless train of crimes and vices, thebeggary and devastation following the course of this foul Titan devil of ruin and damnation I shall onlyendeavor to give a plain, truthful history of one who has felt every pang, every sorrow, every agony, everyshame, every remorse, that the demon of drunkenness can inflict I have nothing to thank this demon for,beyond a few fleeting oh, how fleeting hours of false delight He has wrought only woe and loss to me.Even now, as I sit here in the stillness of desperation, afraid of I know not what, trembling with a strangedread of some impending doom, gazing in fright backward along the shores of the years whereon I see thewrecks of a thousand hopes, the destruction of every noble aspiration, the ruin of every noble resolve, I cry

aloud against the utterness of the destroyer My life has indeed been a sad one; so sad, so lonely, that nolanguage in my power of utterance can give to the reader a full conception of its moonless darkness Wouldthat the magic pen of a De Quincey were mine that my miseries might stand out until strong-hearted men andtrue-hearted women would weep, and every young man and maiden also would tremble and turn from

everything intoxicating as from the oblivion of eternal death

To many, certain events which I shall relate in this history may seem incredible; some of the escapes mayseem improbable; but again let me assure you that there shall not be one word of exaggeration The incidentstook place just as I shall state them I have passed through not only all that you will find recorded in thesepages, but ten thousand times more As I lift the dark veil and look back through the black, unlighted past, Ishudder and hold my breath as scene after scene, each more appalling than the one just before it, rises like thephantom line of Banquo's issue, defining itself with pitiless distinctness upon my seared eyeballs, until the lastand most awful of all stands tall and black by my side, and whispers, hisses, shrieks Madness in my ears Ibow my head and find a moment's relief from the anguish of soul in the hot scalding tears which stream down

my fevered cheeks O God of sure mercy, save other young men from the dark and desolate tortures whichgnaw at my heart, and press down upon my weary soul! They are all, all, all the work of alcohol Oh, how true

it is how true few can understand until their lives are a burden of distress and agony to them that the cupwhich inebriates stingeth like an adder When you see it, turn from it as from a viper Say to yourself as youturn to fly, "It stingeth like an adder!"

CHAPTER II.

Birth, parentage, and early education Early childhood Early events Memory of them vivid Bitter

desolation An active but uneasy life Breaking colts for amusement Amount of sleep Temperament hasmuch to do in the matter of drink The author to blame for his misspent life Inheritances The excellences of

my father and mother The road to ruin not wilfully trodden The people's indifference to a great danger Myassociates What became of them The customs of twenty years ago What might have been

As to my birth, parentage and education, I am the last but one of a family of nine children, seven of whomwere boys, and all of whom, excepting one brother, are now living Both brothers and sisters are, without anexception, sober, industrious and honest I was born in Rush county, Indiana, on the 9th day of September,1847

If there is one spot in all the black waste of desolation about which I cling with fond memory it is in my earlychildhood, and there is no part of my life that is so fresh and vivid as that embraced in those first early years Ican remember distinctly events which transpired when I was but two years old, while I have forgotten

thousands of incidents which have occurred within the past two years While it is true that in early childhood adark shadow fell athwart my pathway, making everything sombre and painful with an impression of

desolation, yet was my condition happy in comparison with the rayless and pitchy blackness which

subsequently folded its curtains close about my very being, seeming to make respiration impossible at timesand life a nightmare of mockery Seeming, do I say? Nay, it did, for nothing can be more real than our

feelings, no matter how falsely they may be created The agony of a dream is as keen while it lasts as anyother more so, because there is a helplessness about it which makes it harder to resist

Many times, lying in my bed after a disgraceful debauch of days' or weeks' duration, has my memory wingedits way through the realms of darkness in the mournful and lonesome past, back through years of horror andsuffering to the green and holy morning of life, as it at this moment seems to me, and rested for an instant onsome quiet hour in that dawn which broke tempestuously, heralding the storms which would later gather andbreak about me At such times I could distinctly remember the names and features of all the persons whodwelt in the vicinity of my father's house, although many of them died long ago or passed away from theneighborhood I could at this time repeat word for word conversations which took place twenty-five years ago

I do not so much attribute this to a retentive memory as to the habit I have had of thinking, when my mind

was in a condition to think, of all that was a part of my early life Again and again, as the years gather uparound me, and the valley of life deepens its shadows toward the tomb, do I go back in memory to the daysthat were Again and again do I awaken to the beauty, the love, the faces and friends of those days They areall dear and sacred to me now, though I know they can come no more, and that the hollow spaces of timebetween the Here and There the Now and Then will reverberate forever with the echoes of many-voicedsorrows Could those who meet me look down into the depths of my ghastly and bitter desolation, they wouldbehold more appalling pictures of human agony than ever mortal eye gazed upon since the opening of the day

of time since the roses of Eden first bloomed and knew not the blight so soon to darken the earthly paradise

by the rivers of the east But I wander from my subject

I lived and worked on my father's farm until I was eighteen years of age As I have already said, even when achild I found myself sad and much depressed at times I could not bear the society of my companions, and atsuch times would wander away alone to meditate and brood over my misery At the very threshold of life Iwas dissatisfied and discontented with my surroundings I was ever anxious and uneasy, ever longing forsome undefinable, unnamable something I knew not what, but, O God, I knew the desolation of feelingwhich was then mine The sorrow of the grave is lighter than that My life has always been an active

one restless, uneasy, and full of action, I naturally wanted to be doing something or going somewhere Fromthe time I was seven years old up to the time I was fifteen there was not a calf or colt on the farm that was notthoroughly broken to work or to be ridden In this work or pastime of breaking in calves and colts I receivedsundry kicks, wounds, and bruises quite often, and still upon my person are some of the marks imprinted byuntamed animals I only speak of these things that the reader may know the character of my temperament, andthus be enabled to judge more correctly of it when influenced and excited by stimulants which will arouse torash actions the dullest organizations I was invariably the last one to go to bed when night came, but not thelast to rise, for I always bounded out of bed ahead of the others; and in this connection I can assert with truththat for over twenty years I have not averaged over five hours of sleep out of every twenty-four during thattime I have never found in all nature one object or occupation that gave me more than a swiftly passing gleam

of contentment or pleasure That the reader may clearly comprehend my present condition and impartiallyjudge as to my culpability in certain of my acts, I desire that he may know the circumstances and surroundings

of my childhood, for I do solemnly aver that my sorrows and miseries were not of my own planting in thosedays While I believe that some men will be drunkards in spite of almost everything that can be done for theirrelief, others there are, no matter how surrounded, who never will be drunkards, but solely because theyabstain from ever tasting the insidious poison Temperament has much to do with the matter of drink, andcould it be known and properly guarded against, I believe that a majority of those having the strongest

predisposition to drink, if steps were taken in time, could be saved from its inevitable end, which is madnessand death I would here say to parents that it is their solemn duty to study well the disposition and

temperament of their children from the hour of their birth By proper training and restraint, all wrong impulsesmight be corrected and the child saved from a life of shameful misery, while they would themselves escapethe sorrow which would come to them because of the wrong-doing of the child While no person is

particularly to blame for my misspent life, yet I can clearly see to-day how its worse than wasted years mighthave been years of use and honor Its every step might have been planted with actions the memory of whichwould have been a blessing instead of a remorse

I have no recollection of a time when I had not an appetite for liquor My parents and friends of course knewthat if it was taken in excess it would lead to destruction, but in our quiet neighborhood, where little wasknown of its excesses, no one dreamed of the fearful curse which slumbered in it for me to awake Had theyhad the least dread, fear, or anticipation of it they would have left nothing undone that being done might havesaved me My appetite for it was born with me, and was as much a part of myself as the air I breathed Thereare three kinds of inheritances, some of money and lands, some of superior or great talents, and others ofmisfortunes For myself this misfortune was my inheritance It came not to me directly from my father ormother, but from my mother's father, and seemed to lie waiting for me for three or four generations, and themistakes and passion of long dead great grandparents reappeared in me, thus fulfilling, with terrible truth, thewords of the divine book It has been gathering strength until when it broke forth its force has become

wide-sweeping, irresistible and rushing a consuming power, devouring and sweeping away whatever dares toarrest its onward progress Never, never, in those long gone and innocent years of my childhood did my father

or mother dream that I, their much-loved child, would ever become a drunkard If there is anything good,manly, noble or true, that is a part of me, I am indebted to them for it They loved me, and I worshiped them.The consciousness that I have caused them to suffer so much has been the keenest sorrow of my life Mymother (blessed be the name!) is now in heaven When she died the light went out from my soul A pang morepoignant than any known before pierced me through and through My father is living still, and I verily believethere is not a son on earth who more truly and devotedly honors and loves his father than I mine But I desire

to show that I am not wholly responsible for my present unhappy condition It is natural for every man to wish

to excuse, or at least try to soften the lines of his mistakes with palliating reasons, and this I think right so long

as the truth is adhered to, and injustice is not done any one I hope no one will think that I have willfully trodthe road to ruin, or sunk myself so low when I have desired the opposite with my whole heart I was a victim

of the fell spirit of alcohol before I realized it I was raised in a place where opportunities to drink werenumerous, as everybody in those days kept liquor, and to drink was not the dangerous and disgraceful thingit's now considered to be For a radius often miles from our house more people kept whisky in their cupboards

or cellars than were without it I never heard a temperance lecturer until I was twenty years of age, and butseldom heard of one The people were asleep while a great danger was gathering in the land a danger which

is now known and seen, and which is so vast in its magnitude that the combined strength of all who lovepeace, order, sobriety and happiness, is scarcely sufficient to meet it in victorious combat

What associates I had in those days were among men rather than boys, and the men I went with drank Theygave whisky to me and I drank it, and whether they gave it or not, I wanted it Some of those who gave medrinks are no longer among the living, but neither of them nor of the living would I speak unkindly, nor call

up in the memory of one who may read this book a thought that might excite a pang; but I would ask any suchjust to go back ten, fifteen, and twenty years, and tell me where, are some of the wealthy, influential men ofthat time? In the silence of the winding-sheet! How many of them have hastened to death through the agency

of whisky? And how few suspected that slowly but surely they were poisoning the wellsprings of life? Howmany are bankrupts now that might yet be in possession of unincumbered farms, the possessors of peacefulhomes, but for that thief accursed Liquor! Look, too, at some of the sons of these men, and say what you see,for you behold lives wrecked and wretched Need I tell you what has wrought all this ruin? Need I say thatintemperance is at the bottom of it?

The country where I lived in youth and boyhood was equal, if not superior, to any surrounding it My father'sneighbors were all kind-hearted, generous people, and some of them many of them, indeed were goodChristians, and yet I repeat that twenty years ago there was not a place of a mile in extent but presented theopportunity for drinking In every little town and village whisky was kept in public and private houses Therewas, and yet is, near my father's farm two very small but ancient towns, containing each some twenty or thirtyhouses, and both of these places have been cursed with saloons in which liquor has been sold for the last thirtyyears Both of these towns were favorite resorts with me, especially the one called Raleigh I have been drunkoftener and longer at a time in Raleigh than in any one place in Indiana I have written thus of my birthplaceand surroundings, that the reader may know the temptations that encompassed me about, and not to speakagainst any place or people The country in my father's neighborhood is peopled at this time with noble menand women prosperous, noted for kindness, generosity, and unpretending virtue I think if I had been raisedwhere liquor was unknown, and had been taught in early childhood the ruin which follows drinking if I hadhad this impressed on my mind, I would have grown up a sober and happy man, notwithstanding my inheritedappetite I would have been a sober man, instead of traversing step by step the downward road of dissipation I

am easily impressed, and in early life might have been taught such lessons as would forever have turned myfeet from the wrong and desolation in which they have stumbled so often in which they have walked soswiftly Instead of dwelling with shadows of realities the most terrible, and brooding in the cell of a maniac, Imight have now communed with the pure and noble of earth

CHAPTER III.

The old log school house My studies and discontent My first drink of liquor The companion of my firstdebauch One drink always fatal A horrible slavery A horseback ride on Sunday Raleigh Return

home "Dead drunk" My parents' shame and sorrow My own remorse An unhappy and silent

breakfast The anguish of my mother Gradual recovery Resolves and promises No pleasure in

drinking The system's final craving for liquor The hopelessness of the drunkard's condition The resistlesspower of appetite Possible escape The courage required The three laws Their violation and man's

atonement

When I first started to school, log school houses were not yet things of the past, and well do I remember theone which stood near the little stream known as Hood's creek, and Sam Munger, from whom I first receivedinstruction The next school I attended was in a log house near where Ammon's mill now stands I attendedone or two summer terms at each of these places There is nothing remarkable connected with my earlyschool-days They glided onward rapidly enough, but I saw and felt differently, it seemed to me, from thosearound me; but this may be the experience of others, only I think the melancholy, the fear, the unhappinesswhich hung over me were not as marked in any one else I studied but little, because of my discontented anduneasy feeling, but I kept up with my lessons, and have yet one or two prizes bestowed on me twenty yearsago for being at the head of my class the greater number of times

I recollect with painful clearness the first drink of liquor that ever passed my lips It has been more thantwenty-four years since then, but my memory calls it up as if it were only yesterday, with all the

circumstances under which I took it It was in the time of threshing wheat, and then, as in harvesting,

log-rolling, and everything that required the cooperation of neighbors, whisky was always more or less used Iwas little more than six years of age A bottle containing liquor was set in the shadow of some sheaves ofwheat which stood near a wagon, and taking it I crawled under the wagon with a neighbor now living inRaleigh We began drinking from this bottle and did not stop until we were both pitiably drunk The boy whotook that first drink with me has since had some experience with the effects of alcohol, but at this time he isbravely fighting the good battle of sobriety and may God always give him the victory I never could tasteliquor without getting drunk When one drop passed my lips I became wild for another, and another, until mysole thought was how to get enough to satisfy the unquenchable thirst To-day if I were to dip the point of aneedle into whisky and then touch my tongue with that needle, I would be unable to resist the burning desire

to drink which that infinitesimal atom would awaken I would get drunk if hell burst up out of the eartharound me yes, if I could look down into the flames and see men whose eye-brows were burnt off, and whoseevery hair was a burning, blazing, coiling, hissing snake from their having used the deadly liquid And if each

of these countless fiery snakes had a tongue of forked fire and could be heard to scream for miles, and I knewthat another drop would cause them to lick my quivering flesh, yet would I take it O horror of horrors! Iwould plunge into the flames forever and ever After I once taste I am powerless to resist When I was tenyears of age I went one Sunday with a neighbor boy several years older than I, riding on horseback Thecourse we took was a favorite one with me for it led toward Raleigh, just north of which place I contrived toget a pint or more of the poison called whisky The doctor from whom I got it had, of course, no idea that Iwas going to drink it, especially all of it, but drink it I did, getting so completely under its horrible influencethat when I arrived at home I fell senseless against the door My father and mother heard me fall and came outand took me into the house, and just as soon as the heat of the fire began to affect me, I sank into a deadstupor; all consciousness was gone; all feeling was destroyed; all intelligence was obliterated I lay upon mybed that night wholly oblivious to everything, knowing not, indeed, that such a creature as myself ever

existed The morning came at last, and with it I opened my eyes Describe who can the thoughts which rushedthrough my distracted brain For a little while I knew not where I was or what I had done My head wasthrobbing, aching, bursting I glanced about me and on either side of my bed my father and mother knelt inprayer! Then did I remember what had befallen me, and so keen was my remorse that I thought I would surelydie, and, in fact, I wanted to die O, much loved parents father on earth and mother in heaven how oftensince then have I felt anew the shame of that terrible hour how often have I seen your sacred faces, wet with

the tears of that trial, come before me, looking imploringly heavenward as if beseeching for me the mercy ofthe infinite God!

That morning the family gathered about the breakfast table, but what a shadow rested over all A solemnity ofsilent sorrow was upon us The peace of yesterday had flown with my return home, and the dark misery of mysoul tinged with the shade of the grave's desolation the clouds which were gathering in our sky O, how oftenhave I prayed that the time might be given back, and that it might be in my power to resist the curse; but thepast is implacable as death, and I must bear the tortures that belong to the memory of that most unhappy day.That day, and for many succeeding ones, I read an anguish in the saintly face of my mother that I had neverseen there before My father also bore about with him a look of deep suffering which haunted me for years.For one day I suffered intensely both mentally and physically, but being of a strong, vigorous, and healthyconstitution, I was almost completely restored by the following morning Of course I resolved and promised

my father and mother that I would never again taste liquor For some time I faithfully kept my promise, andfor weeks the very thought of liquor was revolting to me No one becomes a drunkard in a day or week.Alcohol is a subtle poison, and it takes a long time for it to so undermine man's system that he finds lifealmost intolerable unless stimulated by the hell-broth which must surely destroy him in the end, unless hecloses his lips like a vise against it But for me, I never could drink, from my childhood, without comingunder the influence of the accursed poison I never drank because I liked the taste of liquor, but because Iliked the first effects of it I was never able to tell good liquor or rather pure alcohol for such a thing as goodliquor has never been made from the worst, the meanest, manufactured from drugs The latter may be morespeedy than pure alcohol, but either will destroy with fatal certainty and rapidity I drank, as I have said, forthe effects, and in the first years of my drinking my first emotions were pleasurable It sent the blood rushing

to the brain, and induced a succession of vivid and pleasing thoughts But invariably the depression thatfollowed was in the same ratio down as the former was up, and after a time I lost that first pleasant, unnaturalfeeling, and drank only to satisfy an indescribable passion or craving At first the wine glass may sparkle andfoam, but let it never be forgotten that within that sparkle and foam is concealed the glittering eye of theuncoiled adder It is the sparkle of a serpent's skin, the foam of the froth of death Here I must confess that forthe past five or six years I have not been able to attain one moment's pleasure from drinking Every glass that Ihave touched has proven to be the Dead Sea's fruit of ashes to my lips I drank wildly, insanely, and becameoblivious for days and weeks together to all which was about me, and finally awoke to the horrors which I hadsought to drown, but now intensified a thousand fold No man ever buried sorrow in drunkenness He can notbury it that way any more than Eugene Aram could bury the body of his victim with the weeds of the morass.Whoever seeks solace in whisky will curse the hour which saw him commit a mistake so fatal Woe to himwho looks for comfort in the intoxicating glass He will see instead the ghastly face of murdered hope, thedistorted vision of a wasted life, his own bloated corpse The habit of drink after a time becomes more than amere habit; the system comes to demand and crave liquor, it permeates and affects every part of the body untilevery function refuses to perform its part until it has been aroused to action by its accustomed stimulant

The most hopeless and wretched slave on earth is he who has bound himself with the fetters of alcohol, and it

is a sad and lamentable truth that among thousands very few ever escape from the soul-destroying,

health-ruining bondage of an appetite for intoxicating drink There is only one here and there of all the hoststhat are enchained and cursed who succeeds in breaking the bonds which bind body, soul and spirit So far asthe prospect of success is concerned in winning men from evil, I would say, let me go to the brazen-faced andfoul-mouthed blasphemer of the holy Master's name; let me go to the forger, who for long years has beenusing satanic cunning to defraud his fellow-men; let me go to the murderer, who lies in the shadow of thegallows, with red hands dripping with the blood of innocence; but send me not to the lost human shape whosespirit is on fire, and whose flesh is steaming and burning with the flames of hell And why? Because his will isenthralled in the direst bondage conceivable his manhood is in the dust, and a demon sits in the chariot of hissoul, lashing the fiery steeds of passion to maniacal madness No possible motive or combination of motivescan be urged upon him which will stand a moment before the infernal clamorings of his appetite Wife,children, home, relatives, reputation, honor, and the hope and prospect of heaven itself, all flee before this felldestroyer The sufferings and agonies untold of one human soul securely bound by the chains forged by rum

are enough to make angels weep and devils laugh I have no desire to discourage those who have this habitfastened on them I would not say to them: You can not break away from it I would do all in my power to aidand strengthen every such person in any attempt he might make to be free There is escape, but courage isrequired to make it, and greater courage than has ever been exhibited on the field of battle, amid the thunders

of cannon, the roar of deadly conflict, the gleam of sabre and glitter of bayonet But rather than die the

drunkard's death, and go to the drunkard's eternal doom, every drunkard can afford to make this fight It werebetter, ten thousand times, that every such one should do as I have done voluntarily go to an asylum and berestrained until he so far recovers that he can of his own will resist temptation And there is another aid astrength stronger than our own God! He will help every unfortunate one that goes to him in sincerity andhumbly implores the divine aid

I desire here to make a statement in justice to myself There are three laws, the human, the natural and thedivine You may violate a human law, and the judge, if he sees fit, may pardon your offense If you violate thedivine law, God has prepared a way of escape, and promises pardon on conditions within the reach of all, butfor a violation of that which I call natural law, there is no forgiveness The penalty for every such violationmust be, and is, fully paid every time, and while natural laws are as much a part of God's creation as thedivine, he would no more set aside a penalty for a violation of one of nature's laws than he would blot out apart of his written word Yet there are recuperative powers and forces in nature that are wonderful, and there

is a spiritual strength that helps us to bear, and overcome, and endure every affliction I was made a newcreature in Christ Jesus at Jeffersonville, Indiana, on the 21st of last January, and had I then gone to work torecuperate and restore by all natural means, my broken body, I am most certain that I never again would havetasted liquor; but instead of using the means God had placed about me, in the supreme ecstacy which comes to

a redeemed, a new-born soul, I went to work ten times more laboriously than ever, and soon completelyexhausted my bodily strength My system was drained of every particle of its power to resist the slightestattack of any kind whatsoever, much less to make a successful struggle against my great enemy, and so,physically and mentally exhausted when I was assailed by the black, foul fiend of alcohol, I fell, and fell asecond time I resolved, yea, took an oath the most solemn, that rather than again be overtaken by a disaster sodire, I would have myself entombed within an asylum for the insane Here at last, I was placed, and here Iintend to remain until nature shall restore to my body sufficient strength to resist, with God's help, the nextand every attack of my enemy As God is my witness, I had rather remain within these walls and listen to thecries of the worst maniac here, from day to day, until the last hour of my life yes, and die and be buried here

in the pauper's graveyard, than ever again go out and drink And now as I close this chapter with a full heart, I

go down on my knees in supplication to God for strength and grace to keep me from that which has wreckedall my life and made it a continued round of sorrow and shame I ask every one who reads this chapter, to pray

to God for me with all your heart and soul Oh! men and women, pray for wretched, miserable, sorrowing,suffering, lonely me

CHAPTER IV.

School days at Fairview My first public outbreak A schoolmate Drive to Falmouth First drink at

Falmouth Disappointment Drive to Smelser's Mills Hostetter's Bitters The author's opinion of patentmedicines, bitters especially Boasting More liquor Difficulty in lighting a cigar A hound that got in badcompany Oysters at Falmouth, and what befell us while waiting for them Drunken slumber A hound in acrib Getting awake The owner of the hound Sobriety The Vienna jug Another debauch The

exhibition The end of the school term Starting to college at Cincinnati My companions The destructionwrought by alcohol Dr Johnson's declaration concerning the indulgence of this vice A warning A

dangerous fallacy Byron's inspiration Lord Brougham Sheridan Sue Swinburne Dr Carpenter's

opinion An erroneous idea Temperance the best aid to thought

At the age of sixteen I started to school at Fairview, then as now, an insignificant but pretty village, some fourmiles from where my father lived William M Thrasher, at this time Professor of Mathematics in the ButlerUniversity, at Irvington, near Indianapolis, was the teacher in charge of that school, and it is to him that I am

under obligations for about all the "book learning" that I possess True, I went to college after that, but Imerely skimmed over the studies there assigned me While at school at Fairview I improved every opportunity

to drink A fatal instinct guided me to the rum shop It was during the first winter of my attendance at theFairview school that I was guilty of my first debauch A young man from Connersville came over to attendschool, and I would remark in passing that his father was chiefly interested in sending him to Fairview

because he thought that his boy would here be out of temptation He arrived at noon one day, and we wereimmediately made acquainted with each other, an acquaintance which ripened into friendship on the spot Theroads were in good condition for sleighing, and the next morning I proposed a ride He gladly accepted myinvitation, and together we drove to Falmouth At Falmouth we each took a drink, and this fired us with adesire for more We drove to a house not far away where liquor was kept by the barrel, and tried to get some,but failed for we waited and waited to be invited in vain for no invitation was extended to us Disappointedand half crazy for whisky, we left the house and started on further in pursuit of the curse After driving abouteight miles we halted at a place called Smelser's Mills, where we were supplied with a bottle of Hostetter'sBitters, which we drank without delay, and which was strong enough to make us reasonably drunk, but which,nevertheless, did not come up to our ideas of what liquor should be My experience has been that about theworst and cheapest whisky ever sold is that sold under the name of "bitters," and it costs more than the best inthe market Excuse the word "best," but certain parts of Dante's hell are good by comparison I say to all andevery one, shun every drink that intoxicates, and shun nothing quicker than the patent medicines whichcontain liquor, and while you are about it, shun patent medicines which do not contain liquor The chances arethat they contain a deadlier poison called opium At any rate they seldom cure and often kill

After drinking our bottle of poisonous slop that is, Hostetter's Bitters my friend and I began to boast, andeach labored hard to impress the other with his greatness In order to make the proper impression, we agreedthat it was highly important that we should demonstrate the large quantity we could drink and still be

reasonably sober I knew of a place a few miles further on a place called Hittle's where I felt sure I could getwhisky without an immediate outlay of cash, a consideration of importance since neither I nor my friend had apenny We went to Hittle's, and there I was successful in an attempt to get a quart of whisky, which we at onceproceeded to mix with the Hostetter article already burning up the lining of our stomachs The effect was notlong in appearing, for in a little while we were both very drunk, and I in particular was in the condition bestdescribed as howling, crazy drunk We stopped at a house to light our cigars for of course we both smokedand chewed tobacco and as my friend did not feel like getting out, I reeled into the kitchen and picked up ashovelful of coals, which I lifted so near my mouth that I scorched my hair and burnt my face, and, worse thanall, singed the faint suggestion of a mustache that was visible by the aid of a microscope, on my upper lip.While I was engaged in lighting my cigar, a large dog a tall, lean, much-ribbed, lank and hungry-lookinghound went out to the sleigh, and my friend induced him to accept passage with us; so when I got back to myseat it was proposed that the hound should accompany us I have often wondered since if he was not heartilyashamed of being seen in our company that day; but we made a martyr of him all the same

We drove off with a succession of whoops and yells, and carried the hound in front Our first halt was atFalmouth, where we ordered oysters The room in which we sat at table was quite small, and a large stovewhose sides were red with heat made it uncomfortably hot especially for us who were already in a sultrystate I had not sat at the table a minute when I fell from my chair against the stove My leg struck a hinge ofthe door, and as my friend was too much overcome to realize my condition, I lay there until the hinge burnt ahole through the leg of my pantaloons and then into the flesh I carry a scar to-day in memory of that time, andthe scar is about three inches long The burn was over half an inch in depth God only knows what might havebeen the final result had not assistance soon come in the person of the owner of the house He called for help,and as soon as it arrived we were placed in our sleigh, and by a kind of instinct drove to Fairview It was dark

by the time we got into Fairview, but we contrived to get our horse within the stable and that unfortunatehound into a corn-crib, in which durance he howled so vigorously that the wild winds which whistled andshrieked around the barn could not be heard for him His complaining lasted all night, and I do not think anyone within a mile of the crib slept that night, my friend and myself excepted Ay, we slept slept as I have sooften slept since a slumber as deep and oblivious as death a drunken sleep, from which we awoke to suffer

hell's tortures so justly merited by our conduct I awoke with a throbbing, aching heart, but by slow degreesdid I become conscious that I had been somewhere in a sleigh and done something either very desperate orvery foolish, or both At first my mind was so muddled, so beclouded with the fumes of the infernal "bitters"and whisky that I thought I had burned a city While I was trying to solve the mystery of my course, I wasaided by a revelation so sudden that it startled me, for the owner of the hound came galloping up and fiercelydemanded to know where his dog was He rated us severely accused us of stealing the animal, and threatened

to prosecute us then and there I knew what we had done In the meantime some one opened the door of thecrib and turned out the hound He must have recognized the voice of his master, for he joined the latter in hishowling, and between them they gave us good reason to wish that our ambition to keep that dog's companyhad been in vain The dog was more easily pacified than the man, but finally on our offering to give him threeplugs of tobacco to hush up the affair, he became quiet and smoothed the ragged front of his anger On adding

a cigar or two to the plugs, he brightened up and said we might have the "darned houn'" any how, if wewanted him But we had had enough of his society and were willing to part from him without further expense

I don't think, seriously speaking, that I ever suffered more keenly from the stings of remorse and fear than Idid for one week after this debauch The remarkable part of it to me was our determination to take the dog All

my life I have disliked dogs dogs in general and hounds in particular I resolved never to drink again, and forsome time kept the resolution

A few weeks following this "spree" there was an exhibition at the school house, and several of the largerboys myself among the number assembled themselves together, and, after a consultation, decided that, inorder to make the exhibition a success, there should be a limited amount of whisky secured for our specialuse We took up a collection, each contributing a few cents, and two of the largest, tallest, and stoutest boyswere dispatched to Vienna, a small village three miles distant, to get it A vision of hounds passed before me,but the desire to get a drink drove them yelping out of memory The boys, on reaching Vienna, bargained forthree gallons of liquor, and brought it to our general headquarters It was wretched stuff the vilest, meanest,rottenest poison that ever went under the name of whisky The boys who got it had carried it the three miles

by passing a stick through the handle of the jug They got drunk on the way back with it, and one of them fellinto a branch, dragging the jug and the other boy after him Unfortunately the jug was not broken, and

fortunately the boys were not seriously hurt It was a little after dark when they stumbled across the meetinghouse yard to where we awaited them The following day we attacked the contents of the jug, and beforemidnight we were all drunk some rather moderately drunk, some very drunk, and some dead drunk, as thephrase is I myself was of the number that were dead drunk Some of the boys kept sober enough to fight, but Inever would fight, drunk or sober I do not think I am a coward as regards personal courage, and I really thinkthe fear of hurting others restrained me from ever mixing in brawls in those days

As the night wore away two or three of the boys became sober enough to hide the jug, which they concealed

in a corn-shock These dragged the rest of us to bed, although one of the party woke up in the wood-box withhis head downward and his feet dangling over the top of the box Only those who have been so unfortunate as

to be in a similar condition can realize our state of mental and physical feeling Parched lips, scalded tongues,cracked throats, throbbing temples, and burning shame were indisputably ours So we awoke on the morning

of the day set apart for the exhibition, an exhibition in which we were to appear before our respected teacher,friends and relatives, besides all the people of the surrounding country Early in the day we commenced to getready for the afternoon's work by resorting to the same jug that so recently had bereft us temporarily ofreason, and laid us in the mud and snow I only got one big drink of the poison and so contrived to get throughpassably well with my part of the performance; some of the boys got too much, and failed to rememberanything, so that they failed utterly and hid behind the curtains, and, taken all in all, we did little or nothingtoward the success of the exhibition or to making those interested gratified with our parts Some of the boyswho figured on the stage that day are dead; but others are alive and of those I am not the only one writhing inthe coils of the serpent of alcohol, though not one of them has fallen so low as I If at that time I might havebeen permitted to lift the curtain and looked down future-ward through the unlighted years of shame, andweariness, and suffering, I think the dreadful vision would have stayed me forever in a career which has only

grown darker and more unendurable with every step I kept on much in the same way, increasing in length andfrequency my ever recurring debauches, until the end of the school term.

I was well nigh twenty years of age, and from this place went to Cincinnati to attend college Here the

opportunities to gratify my hereditary appetite, made keen and sharp, and ever keener and sharper by

indulgence, were all about me My companions were older and further advanced on the road to ruin than I Mysteps were more swift than ever before to tread the path which leads surely to the everlasting bonfire I couldnot fail to notice while at college that the most brilliant and intellectual those whose future prospects werethe most pleasing and bright were the very ones who most frequently drowned their hopes, and sapped theirstrength and energy in alcoholic stimulants O, vividly do I recall to mind examples of heaven-bestowedgenius, talent, health, and abilities, sacrificed on the worse than bloody teocalli of this hideous and slimydevil, Intemperance! How many master minds, instead of progressing sublimely through the broad, deep, andaugust channels of thought, became impeded by the meshes and clogs of intoxication, and were thus worsethan prevented from exploring the regions of immortal truth! How many dallied with the sirens of the winecup, until all power to grapple with great subjects was lost irrevocably! How many are the instances in theworld's history of great minds debased and ruined by alcohol! Look back and around you at the lives of thebrightest literary geniuses and see how many are under the spell of this Circe's baleful power! Think of therich intelligences whose brightness has prematurely faded and died away in the darkness of alcoholic night!What hopes has alcohol destroyed! What resolves it has broken! What promises it has blighted! Think of any

or of all these things, and hasten to say with Dr Johnson that this vice of drink, if long indulged, will renderknowledge useless, wit ridiculous, and genius contemptible Oh! how many lost sons of earth, whose lamps ofgenius blazed only to light their pathway to the tomb, might have achieved an inheritance of immortal famebut for this vice, or disease as it may be

I write this with a hope that it may be a heeded warning to the intellectual of earth, not less than the illiterate.The educated man is more liable to suffer from strong stimulants than the man who is not educated Neverwas there a greater or more dangerous fallacy than that so often urged, that the thinking functions are assisted

by the use of stimulating liquors or drugs O, say some, Byron owed a great portion of his inspiration to ginand water, and that was his Hippocrene Nonsense! His highest inspiration came from the beauty of the worldand from God Lord Brougham, it has been declared, made his most brilliant speeches of old port Sheridan, ithas been told, delivered some of his most sparkling speeches when "half seas over." Eugene Sue found hisgenius in a bottle of claret; Swinburne in absinthe, and so on But who shall say what these great, men lost andwill lose in the end by this forcing process? Dr W.B Carpenter, in referring to the supposed uses of alcohol insustaining the vital powers, says emphatically that the use of alcoholic stimulants is dangerous and

detrimental to the human mind, but admits that its use in most persons is attended with a temporary excitation

of mental activity, lighting up the scintillations of genius into a brilliant flame, or assisting in the prolongation

of mental effort when the powers of the nervous system would be otherwise exhausted Concede this, and thenanswer if it is not on such evidence that the common idea is based that alcohol is a cause of inspiration, or that

it supports the system to the endurance of unusual mental labor The idea is as erroneous as the no less

prevalent fallacy that alcoholic stimulants increase the power of physical exertion Physiologically the fact isestablished that the depression of the mental energy consequent upon the undue excitement of alcoholicstimulants is no less than the depression of the physical energy following its use In either case the addedstrength and exhilaration are of short duration, and the depression and loss exceed the increased energy andthe gain The influence of alcoholic stimulants seems to be chiefly exerted in exciting to activity the creatingand combining powers, such as give rise to the high imaginations of the poet and the painter It is not to bewondered at that men possessing such splendid powers should have recourse to alcoholic stimulants as ameans of procuring often temporary exaltation of these powers and of escaping from the seasons of depression

to which they and others of less high organizations are subject Nor is it to be denied that many of thesemental productions which are most strongly marked by the inspiration of genius, have been thrown off underthe inspiration of the stimulating influences of liquor But it can not, on the other hand, be doubted that thedepression consequent upon the high degree of mental excitement is, as already observed, as great as the first

in its way a depression so great that it sometimes destroys temporarily the power of effort Hence it does not

follow that the authors of the productions in question have really been benefited by the use of these

stimulants

It is the testimony of general experience that where men of genius have habitually had recourse to alcoholicstimulants for the excitement of their powers they have died at an early age, as if in consequence of thepremature exhaustion of their nervous energy Mozart, Burns, Byron, Poe and Chatterton may be cited asremarkable examples of this result Hence, although their light may have burned with a brighter glow, like acombustible substance in an atmosphere of oxygen, the consumption of material was more rapid, and though

it may have shone with a more sober lustre without such aid, we can not but believe that it would have beensteadier and less premature without it We may also doubt that the finest poems and the finest pictures havebeen written and painted even by those in the habit of drinking while they were under the influence of liquor

We do not usually find that the men most distinguished for a combination of powers called talent or genius,are disposed to make such use of alcoholic stimulants for the purpose of augmenting their mental powers, forthat spontaneous activity of mind itself which alcohol has a tendency to excite is not favorable to the exercise

of the observing faculties, which are so important to the imagination, nor to those of reason, nor to steadyconcentration on any given subject, where profound investigation or clear sight is desirable

Of this we have an illustration in the habit of practical gamblers who, when about to engage in contestsrequiring the keenest observation and the most sagacious calculation, and involving an important stake,always keep themselves cool either by total abstinence from fermented liquors, or by the use of those of theweakest kind, in very small quantities We find that the greatest part of that intellectual labor which has mostextended the domain of thought and human knowledge has been performed by men of sobriety, many of themhaving been drinkers of water only Under this last category may be ranked Demosthenes, Johnson, Haller,Bacon, Milton, Dante, etc Johnson, it is true, was a great tea drinker Voltaire drank coffee at times to excess,and occasionally a small quantity of light wine So, also, did Fontenelle Newton solaced himself with thefumes of tobacco Of Locke, whose long life was devoted to constant intellectual labor, who appears

independently of his eminence in his special objects of pursuit one of the best informed men of his time, thefollowing explicit testimony is found by one who knew him well: His diet was the same as that of otherpeople, except he usually drank nothing but water, and he thought that his abstinence in this respect hadpreserved his life so long, although naturally his constitution was so weak In addition to these examples,which I have quoted at length, I might also mention the case of Cornaro, the old Italian philosopher, who atthe age of thirty-five found himself on a bed of misery and imminent death through intemperance He

amended his way of life, and for upwards of four score years after, by a temperate course of living, livedhappily and did all the important work which has placed his name among the men of great intellectual powers

CHAPTER V.

Quit college Shattered nerves Summer and autumn days Improvement Picnic parties A fall An untimelystorm Crawford's beer and ale Beer brawls County fairs and their influence on my life My yoke of whiteoxen The "red ribbon" "One McPhillipps" How I got home and how I found myself in the morning Mymother's agony A day of teaching under difficulties Quiet again Law studies at Connersville "Out on aspree" What a spree means

I left college in the spring of 1866, and returned home to the farm where I spent the summer and autumnmonths in a very nervous and discontented manner For over four months my mental condition bordered onthat of a maniac, so completely had the use of liquor shattered my nervous system I became alarmed at mystate, and for a time was deterred from drinking, or, if I drank at all, the quantity was small But fresh air andthe little work which I did on the farm, soon restored me As the summer wore away I attended pleasureparties, and found, not happiness, but a moment's forgetfulness among the merry picnic parties in the woods Ihad also the distinguished honor of actually superintending and presiding over two of these festivities, both ofwhich were held in Horace Elwell's woods, on the unsung, but classically rustic banks of Tom Hall's

mill-dam, near the village which bears the historic and great name of Raleigh I succeeded in tiding myselfthrough the first picnic without getting drunk I mean more particularly that I remained sober during theday that is, sober enough to keep it from being known that I had drank more than once or twice; but thatnight at the ball at Louisville, I bit the dust, or, to get at the truth more literally and unrhetorically, I fell downstairs and came within a point of breaking my neck Had I been sober the fall would have put an end then andthere to my miserable and worthless existence; but lest any one should argue from this that after all whiskysometimes saves life, I would have them bear in mind that if I had been sober the chances are I would nothave fallen.

The next picnic was sadly interfered with by a violent storm of wind and rain, which came up the day beforethe one set apart for it The water washed the sawdust which had been sprinkled on the ground for the dancers'benefit into Hall's fretful mill-race, and thence down into the turbulent and swollen Flat Rock This, as well asother creeks, became so high that it was out of the question to ford them The boys could get to the groundsvery well, and many of them did get there, but the girls were not of a mind to risk their lives for a day'sdoubtful amusement, and so the picnic failed in the beginning The young men myself, of course, in thelot determined to have what was called "fun" at any rate, and to this end they congregated during the day atRaleigh Mr Sam Crawford had an abundant supply of beer and ale, and I wish to say that if there are anypersons so innocent as to doubt that beer and ale intoxicate they would change from doubt to faith in thepower of these slops to make men drunk, could they experience or see what took place at Raleigh on that day.They would be willing to testify in any court that beer will not only intoxicate, but, taken in sufficient

quantities, it will make men beastly drunk and fill them with a spirit of fiendish cruelty There were on thatday as many as four fights, with enough miscellaneous howling, cursing and billingsgate to fill out the naturalmake-up of a hundred more I was drunk so drunk that I did not know at the last whether my name wasBenson or Bennington I suppose I would have sworn to the latter, had the question been raised, but it wasnot I did not fight, for, as I have said, I seemed to have an instinctive dread of doing something terrible in theevent of my getting engaged in combat with another Like Falstaff, it may be, I was a coward on instinct Ihave always thought, moreover, that the Hudibrastic aphorism is worthy of practice, because nothing can bemore evident than the fact that

" He who runs away May live to fight another day."

From that time to the commencement of the season for county fairs, five or six weeks later, I kept in a

condition of sobriety County fairs, I wish to say, and especially the Rush county fairs, did more towardbringing on the disastrous career which has been mine a career which has befouled the record of my life andmarked almost every page of its history witness this biography with blots of shame, discord and unholysuffering than any other cause of an external character I was very young when I first commenced to takestock to the fair to exhibit for premiums I always went on the first day, and always remained until the faircame to a close, staying on the grounds night and day There was a vagabond element in my nature whichharmonized perfectly with this sort of life The men with whom I associated were, in general, of that classwho like liquor alone or in company, and each had his jug of favorite whisky, which was supposed to be asure preventive against cold and colds in cold weather, and against heat and fever in hot weather If invited todrink the rule was to accept immediately and return the courtesy as soon as convenient

In those days I was the proud possessor of a yoke of white oxen, and I made it a point to exhibit them at everyfair within my reach, for they invariably won the Red Ribbon, then a mark of the first prize Alas, that it didnot mean to me what it now does! It meant anything rather than total abstinence; it was an unfailing sign ofdrunkenness; it told of shameful revels, of days of debauchery and nights of misery when not passed inbeastly slumber That ribbon is now a symbol of holy temperance it was then a souvenir of days of disorderand evil-doing

During the winter I was engaged to teach a district school, and for three months managed to keep tolerablysober that is, I did not get drunk more than three or four times, and then on Saturday nights and Sundays

One Sunday it was the coldest day that winter I went to Falmouth and visited a drinking place kept by oneMcPhillipps While there I drank eleven glasses of whisky At nine o'clock in the evening, I can indistinctlyremember, I mounted my horse and started home, and from that moment until the next day I knew nothingwhatever that took place From the way I was bruised and battered I judge that I must have struck almostevery fence corner between McPhillipps' place and home My legs were in a woful plight, and having turnedblack and blue, they were frightful to see On arriving at the gate which led into the front yard at home, I felloff my horse and tumbled to the ground, a wretched heap of helpless clay I remained on the ground, lying inthe snow, until I froze my hands, feet, and ears It was about three o'clock in the morning when I got to thehouse So they told me, for I have no knowledge of going, and, indeed, I remembered nothing that took place.When I came to consciousness I found myself wrapped up in a blanket, lying in bed, with hot bricks at myfeet I was in the room occupied by father and mother, and the first object that met my wandering sight wasthe face of my mother The look with which she regarded me will never fade from my memory There was in

it the sorrow and anguish of death She rose from her bed at sight of me, and with streaming eyes and

screaming voice called the family up to bid them good-by; she said she was dying that I had killed her Isprang from my bed in such a horror of terrible suffering, mental and physical, as never swept over the bodyand soul of mortal man I felt my heart thumping and beating as though it would burst forth from my bosom;the hot, hissing blood rushed to my aching, fevered brain, and a torrent of sweat burst forth on my icy

forehead I could not have suffered more physical agony had a thousand swords been driven through myquivering body, nor would my miserable soul have been in more insufferable pain had it been confined in theregions of the damned It was some time before anything like quiet was restored, but as soon as it was, some

of the family went to the gate and found my hat and took charge of the horse which I had ridden That

morning I dragged myself to school with a sad, heavy heart As my scholars came in, they seemed to

understand that something was the matter with me, and often during the day their wondering looks weredirected toward me as if they sought some explanation of my appearance The day was a long and weary one

to me a day, like many another since then, of most intense wretchedness About noon one of my feet became

so swollen that it was necessary for me to take off my boot, and by the time I dismissed school it had got sobad that I could not draw on my boot, so that I had to walk home, a distance of one mile, over the frozenground with nothing to protect my foot but a woolen sock On entering the house, my mother burst into tears

at sight of me I must have been a pitiable object, and yet how little did I deserve the wealth of pricelesssympathy lavished upon me That night, and many nights succeeding it, the only way I could get into bed was

to put an old-fashioned chair with rounds in the back, beside the bed and crawl up round by round until I got

on a level with the bed, and then let go and fall over into the bed

It is needless for me to say that I firmly resolved and honestly felt that I would never again taste the liquorwhich leads to madness, misery, and death For some time I kept my resolution; and would to God that I couldhere conclude by saying that I never again allowed a drop of it to pass my lips But I am writing an

autobiography, and I have told you that I would not shrink from telling the truth So it will happen that otherand still more desperate and disgraceful episodes of drunkenness will have to be recorded

In the spring of 1867 I went to Connersville, and began the study of law with the Hon John S Reid

Unfortunately, and I fear designedly, I made my acquaintances among, and selected my companions from, themost dissolute, idle, and intemperate class of young men in the town Connersville then had and still hasamong its citizens some very wealthy men, who suffered their boys to grow up without much care, mostly inidleness As might be expected the indifference of the fathers, joined to the natural inclinations of the sons,has proved the ruin of the latter I now call to mind several of those young men who are hopeless and

complete wrecks Idleness and dissipation have done their terrible work in every case which I call to mind

I read a little law, and drank a great deal of whisky, and as a natural consequence the time then passing wasfor the most part worse than lost Up to this period the duration of my sprees was not longer than a day andnight They now were not confined to one day, for when I went out on what is called a "regular spree," it wasliable to be two or three days, as it has since been two or three weeks, before I got back Got back! Where

from? The reader knows too well.

Out on a spree! These are melancholy and heart-breaking words Out on a spree! Oh, how much of misery isimplied! Out on a spree! Readers, every one, I hope you will never have it said that you are out on a spree To

go out on a spree is to throw away strength, without which the battle of life can not be fought; it is to squandermoney which you may need badly for the necessaries of life, which had better be thrown into the fire andburnt up than spent in such a way; it is to quench the light of ambition, to crush hope, entomb joy, lay wastethe powers of the mind, neglect duty, desert the family, and commit in the end suicide Arson may havewalked by your side while out on a spree, red murder may have grinned, dagger in hand, upon you, and deathstalked within your shadow, ready in a thousand ways to strike you down Don't go out on sprees Think of thepity of them, the wrong, the disgrace, the remorse, the misery Going on an occasional spree only will not do.Some men will keep sober for weeks, and even months, but a birthday, or a wedding, or a national holiday, or

a fit of the blues, or a streak of good luck, starts them off, and habit, like a smouldering flame, breaks out, andfor a time all is over Such men scotch, but they do not kill the cobra of intemperance, and soon or late theother result will follow, the snake will kill them The reptile is tenacious of life, and so long as the life remainsthere is danger from the deadly venom of its tooth Those who have never formed the habit of drinking hadbetter die at once than live to form it Those who have formed the habit should subdue it and never enter into acompromise with it The good effects of months of abstinence may be swept away in an hour Open theflood-gates of indulgence never so little and the torrent will force its way through and drown every worthyresolution Its tide is next to resistless Days of drunkenness succeed, months of self-denial are lost, anddeplorable results follow everywhere Wives are driven to desperation, mothers to despair, children to want.Demoralization, starvation, damnation follow Friends are separated, homes are desolated, and souls aredriven to hell itself, and yet people will talk lightly, and even jokingly of the very thing which leads to theseterrible losses and sufferings out on a spree

Debauches not only destroy all capacity for usefulness while they last, but they demand the vital strengthwhich has wisely been gathered in the system for days of possible need, when sickness and natural infirmitieswill lay hands on the mind or body The debauch of to-day will borrow from to-morrow or from next week, ormonth, or year, that which can not be restored The bloated face, the dull, glassy eye, the furtive glance of fearand shame, the trembling gait, all speak of ravages produced by other causes than those of time Indeed, theflight of years can produce no such effects, for inexorable and wearing as fleeting days and months are, theirnatural results differ very widely from those which are caused by an abuse of the powers of nature Besidesthis, many men who are shattered wrecks are still young in years, and the dew of youth but for dissipationmight yet have glistened on their foreheads

It was at this period that the appetite burst forth in a fearful flame which scorched life itself, and burnt everyenergy of my being It was fast getting to be a consuming, craving, devouring passion, subjecting my verysoul to its dreadful tyranny My spells increased in frequency, and their duration was more and more

prolonged I would remain drunk from eight to ten days, until I got so nervous that I could not sleep, and nightafter night I would be counting the hours and longing for morning, which, when it came with its blessed light,gradually revealing the pattern of the paper on the walls, caused me to hide my face in the bedclothes andwish for black and never-ending night to come and hide me from the world and my misery From such vigils,feverish and unrefreshed, it may easily be supposed that I sought the open window in anguish, and bathed myaching, throbbing forehead in the cool, pure air At last my condition became so deplorable that my friendssent my father word to come and take me home, which he did While at Connersville, in all my dark anddesolate trials, William Beck was my friend and helper He never then forsook me, and he never since hasforsaken me, but still remains my faithful and sympathizing friend a friend whose valuation is beyond gold,and for whom I entertain the deepest feelings of gratitude I returned home with my father and remainedseveral months, keeping sober all the while During most of the time I applied myself vigorously to the study

of the law, making rapid progress

I believe I have as yet not stated that, in the intervals long or short between my sprees, I abstained totally from

the use of ardent spirits I never could and never did drink in moderation One drink would always kindle such

a fire in my blood that it was out of my power to prevent its spreading into a conflagration I have very manytimes been accused of "drinking on the sly," as they say, but every such accusation is false I have also beenaccused of using opium I know the pitiable wretch that started that lie for it is a lie and the poor dupe thatrepeated it For five years my appetite has been so fierce at times, that, I repeat, had I touched the point of thefinest needle in alcohol and placed it to my tongue, I would have got drunk had I known that that drunk wouldhave plunged my soul into hell and eternal torments O appetite, cold, cruel, heartless, accursed, consuming,devouring appetite! No other malady like thee ever afflicted man Would that I could paint thee, in all thyaccursed hideousness, in letters of unfading fire, and write them in the vaulted firmament to flame forth to allgenerations to come their eternal warning

CHAPTER VI.

Law Practice at Rushville Bright prospects The blight From bad to worse My mother's death My solemnpromise to her "Broken, oh, God!" Reflection My remorse The memory of my mother A young man'sduty Blessed are the pure in heart The grave Young man, murder not your mother Rum A knife which isnever red with blood, but which has severed souls and stabbed thousands to death The desolation and deathwhich are in alcohol

My next move was to Rushville, where I opened an office and commenced practicing law For a time I keptsober, and was so successful in my profession that from the very beginning I more than made my expenses Infact my prospects for a brilliant career as a lawyer seemed most flattering The predictions were many that anuncommon future lay before me, but, alas, I could stand prosperity no better than adversity My appetite grew

to such a craving for stimulants that it tortured me It had slumbered for weeks, as it has since, only to makeitself manifest in the end with the force of a hurricane While it had appeared to sleep it was gathering

strength At the time it dragged me down I was boarding with some others at the house of an elderly widow

So completely was I transformed from a man into something debased that I went to her house and fell throughthe front door on the floor dead drunk The landlady had me carried back to my office, where I lay like awater-sodden log, wholly unconscious, until the next morning When I awoke I had no knowledge of anythingthat had happened My friends informed me of my fall at the house, and of their bearing me back to the office

I upbraided myself bitterly, but it was days before I had the courage to show my face on the streets, so keenwere my shame and sense of disgrace Time softens the wildest remorse, and in a few weeks I regained a state

of quiet feeling But unfortunately most of my associates were among the class of young men who are neveraverse to taking a drink, and it was not long before I found myself again visiting the saloons, although I didnot give up right away to take a drink with them But I got to staying in the saloons more than in my office,and began to go down steadily Good people who felt sorry for me, and who wanted to aid me, would donothing for me unless I would do something for myself, and this I could not, or did not do

I moved from office to office, always descending in respectability, because always violating my promises not

to drink Occasionally I would make a desperate effort to reform, gathering about me every element of

strength which I could possibly command, and for a while I would be successful, but just as hope would begin

to light up my darkened path and my friends begin to feel a new-born confidence in me, an infernal andterrible desire would take possession of me, and in a moment all that I had gained would be swept away by

my yielding to the demon that tempted me A debauch longer and more utterly sickening and vile than the lastfollowed, after which I would settle down into a condition of hopelessness which would appal the bravest andstrongest So deplorable, indeed, was my feeling regarding the matter that then, as since, I kept on drinking fordays after the appetite had left me or had been satiated, in order to deaden the horrible agony that I knewwould crush me when my reason returned

I now come to an event in my life which affected me at the time beyond the power of words, and which I cannot without tears of choking sorrow even now dwell upon I refer to the death of my mother, which occurredduring the winter after my going to Rushville in 1867 She had been sick a long time, and had suffered very

intense pain, but for days before her death I think she forgot her own physical torments in anxiety and

solicitude about me I went home a few days before she died, and remained with her until the last She talked

to me much and often, always begging and pleading with me as only a dying mother can plead, to save myselffrom the life of a drunkard I promised her solemnly and honestly that I would never again taste liquor As Igazed upon her wasted face and read death in every lineament, and heard the dread angel's approach in everybreath of pain she drew, and saw above all in her fast dimming eye that the horrors of her approaching

dissolution were almost unthought of in her care for me, I resolved deep down in my heart never to tasteliquor again, and kneeling by her dying form, I called heaven to witness that no more, oh, never, never more,would I go in the way of the drunkard, or touch, in any form, the unpitying and soul-destroying curse I looked

on her face, which was growing strangely calm and white She was dead, and it came upon me that she whohad loved and suffered most for me, and without a reproach, was never more to look upon me again or speakwords of comfort and aid to my ears, so often unheeding At that moment, looking through scalding tears ather holy face, and afterwards when I heard the grave clods falling with their terrible sound upon her coffin lid,

I swore that I would keep my promise, no matter what the temptation to break it might be She would not behere to see my triumph, but I would conquer for her memory's sake, and all would be well I swore by earth,sea, and sky, never, never to break the promise made to her in the moment of her dying That promise I brokewithin two months from the day it was solemnized by my mother's death I shudder still, remembering theagony of that fall Broken, oh God! the promise has been broken, is what first entered my mind Never beforehad I suffered as I then suffered

My wild revel was protracted for days out of dread of the awful sorrow and remorse that I knew must surelycome on my getting sober My mother appeared to me in my troubled dreams, and talked to me as in life.Many times in my slumber, and in my waking fancies did I see her pale, troubled face, with her pitying eyeslooking on me as from that bed of pain and death, and at such times I reached out my hands toward her inmute pleading for forgiveness, forgetting or not knowing that she was dead But the moment soon came whenthe truth was flashed through the blackness of night upon me, and then my misery was more than I could bear.For years before her death I had lain in my bed and listened to her moaning in her troubled sleep, to the sighswhich escaped from her heart and that of my father, and I promised the God of my hoped-for salvation that if

he would only let me live I would no more give them pain Cold, clammy sweat broke out over my face, and

my heart beat so low, and slow, and weak, that in very terror I felt that my eyeballs were bursting from myhead Again and again I begged, and plead, and prayed that God would spare me and let me live until I couldconvince my father and mother that I never would drink again But my prayers were not answered My motherwent out from me in fear, and dread, and doubt My father lives, but for me he has little or no hope If ever amortal longed and yearned for one thing more than another in this uncertain existence, I long for a peacefuland quiet evening of life for my beloved father I implore the Father of all of us to give me grace and strengthenough to keep sober until my remaining parent is fully persuaded that I am truly and beyond question savedfrom the curse which has driven me to an asylum, and well nigh sent him, a broken-hearted man, to his grave

O for a strength which will forever enable me to resist the hell-born and hell-supported power of the fiendAlcohol! Could I do this and have my father know it his dying hour would be full of sweet peace, and a joy soshining that its light would drive afar off the shadows of his death agony In that knowledge death would bevanquished and heaven would stoop to earth and cover his grave with glory Oh, God! Grant me this oneboon! Give me this one request! In every step of my life I have disappointed him In the future let all otherhopes, and joys, and aspirations die, if needs be, all but this this one that I may never in any way touchliquor again May every man and woman who sees this allow their hearts to go out in an earnest prayer that Imay succeed in this one thing It is now too late for me to reach the bright promises of other years It is nowtoo late for me to regain all that has been lost, but this I would do, and it will make me feel at the last that Ihave not lived altogether to be a remorse and shame to those who are bound to me by ties which can not bebroken God may answer your prayers if not mine, so that from the throne of heavenly grace may come thepeace and rest for which my weary soul has sought so long in vain

When I drank after my mother's death, many persons took occasion, on learning of it, to censure me in

unsparing terms It was even said that I did not love my mother in life, that I had no respect for her memory in

death, and that I was a heartless wretch These persons had no knowledge of the power of my appetite Theydid not know that the passion for liquor, once developed or firmly established, is stronger in its unholy energythan the love of the heart of my heart, at least for mother, father, brother, or sister But let me beg that I maynot be charged with indifference to my mother's memory She comes before me now; she who was a true wife,

a faithful friend, a loving and gentle mother, and I kneel to her and pray her blessing and pardon I wouldclasp her to my heart, but alas! when I would touch her, the bitter memory comes that she is gone But I wouldnot repine, for I know she is with her God Her life was pure and blameless, and her soul, on leaving its wearyearthly tabernacle, passed to its inheritance a mansion incorruptible, and one that will not fade away Shebore her cross without a murmer of complaint, and she has been crowned where the spirit of the just are madeperfect Blessed are the pure in heart, we read, and I know that I am not misquoting the spirit of the holy bookwhen I say for the same reason, blessed is my mother, for she was pure of heart, and passed from tribulation topeace, from night to day, from sorrow to joy, from weariness to rest rest in the bosom of God

It may be that some young man will read these pages whose mother is still among the living I do not thinkthat such a one will be without love for his mother a dear, compassionate, doating, gentle mother, who lovedhim before he knew the name of love; who sang him to sleep in the years that were, and awoke him withkisses on the bright mornings long ago; who bathed his head with a soft hand when it throbbed with pain, andsmiled when the glow of health was on his cheek She wept holy tears when he suffered, and when he wasdelighted her heart beat with pleasure It was she who taught him that august prayer which is sacred in itssimplicity to childhood She is aged now; her wealth of brown hair is white with age's winter, her step is nolonger quick, her eye has lost its lustre, and her hand is shaken with the palsy of lost vigor There are wrinkles

in her brow and hollows in the cheeks which were once so lovely that his father would have bartered a

kingdom for them She is sitting by the side of the tomb waiting for the mysterious summons which must sooncome Oh, young man, you for whom this mother has suffered, you for whom she cherishes a love which ispriceless and deathless, you will not hasten her into eternity by an act, or word, or look, will you? It would killher to know that you had fallen under sin's destroying stroke Sometimes she goes to the portrait of yourboyish face and looks at it; at other times she takes down some worn and faded garment, that you were wont

to wear in those beautiful days of the past, and recalls how you looked when you wore it; then she goes to theroom where you used to sleep and looks at the cradle in which she so often rocked you to sleep, and, after all

is seen, she returns to her chair the old easy chair and waits to hear tidings of you What would you have herknow?

What news of yourself can you send her? Think of it well Will you put your wayward foot on her tender andfeeble heart? Is her breathing so easy that you would impede it with a brutal stab? Oh, if you know no pity foryourself, have some for her You will not murder her, will you? Yes, you reply, and the laughter of mockingdevils floats up from the caves of hell "Yes! give me more rum!" Now, hear the truth: The time will comewhen the grass will seem to wither from your feet, pain will stifle your breath, remorse will gnaw your heartand fill all your days and nights with misery unspeakable; your dreams will torture you in sleep, and yourwaking thoughts will be torments; your path will lie in gloom, and your bed will be a pillow of thorns Youwill cry in vain for that departed mother You will beg heaven to give her back, but the grave will be silent.The grasses are creeping over her tomb, and the white hands have crumbled upon her faithful breast But no,you will not kill her You will not call for rum I have wronged you, thank God! You will be a man You are aman You will lay this book down, and swear that you will never touch the accursed, ruinous drink, and youwill keep your oath By sobriety and good habits you will lengthen your mother's days in the land, and smoothher troubled brow, and give strength to her failing limbs

Rum is a dreadful knife whose edge is never red with blood, but which yet severs throats from ear to ear Itassassinates the peace of families, it cuts away honor from the family name, it lets out the vital spark of life,and is followed by inconsolable death It pierces hearts, and enters the bosom of trust, goring it with gasheswhich God alone can heal Rum is a robber who is deaf to hungry children's cries and famished wives'

pleadings He is a fell destroyer from whom peace and comfort and content fly No one can afford to be hissubject, and it is the duty of every one to rise in arms against him Let him be cursed everywhere Let

anathemas be hurled against him by the young and old of both sexes Death is an angel of mercy

sometimes this destroyer never Death may open the gates of heaven to every victim, but this destroyer canunbar alone the gates of hell He takes away concord and love and joy, and in their stead leaves the horror andmisery of pandemonium!

CHAPTER VII.

Blank, black night Afloat From place to place No rest Struggles Giving way One gallon of whisky intwenty-four hours Plowing corn Husking corn My object All in vain Old before my time A wild,oblivious journey Delirium tremens The horrors of hell The pains of the damned Heavenly hosts Myrelease New tortures Insane wanderings In the woods At Mr Hinchman's Frozen feet Drive to town in abuggy surrounded by devils Fears and sorrows No rest

From this time until I tried to break the terrible chain that bound me by lecturing on the miseries and evils ofintemperance, my life was one long, hopeless, blank, black night More than one half of the time for five years

I was dead to everything but my own despairing, helpless, pitiable and despicable condition I was afloatwithout provision, sail, or compass, on an ocean of darkness, and from one period of deeper gloom to another

I expected to go down in the sightless oblivion and so end my accursed existence I could see no prospect of arift in the curtain of pitchy cloud which hung over me I was myself an ever-shifting, restless, uneasy tempest

My unrest and nervous dread of some swift approaching doom too awful to be conceived became so intenseand real that I fled from place to place Not unfrequently I came to myself during these epochs of madness andfound that I was a hundred or more miles from home, without friends, respectable or even sufficient clothing,

or money a bloated and beastly wreck I know not how I ever found my way back, or why I prolonged mylife under such circumstances; but it seems the instinct called self-preservation was yet stronger than the illswhich assailed me Days were like weeks to me, and weeks as months, and mouths as years, and in all andthrough all I managed to crawl forward toward the grave which is still out yonder in the future, finding nopleasure in myself and no delight in anything beautiful and holy As I lift the dread curtain and glance

tremblingly along the path which stretches through the funereal shadows of the past, I feel that it was a

thousand years ago when I was a child in my mother's dear protecting arms Sin may have moments of

pleasure, but the pleasure is but a hollow semblance in advance of seemingly never-ending hours of remorseand suffering

More than once I made desperate efforts to escape from my humiliating thraldom, and, as I was sober duringthe days of struggle, I sought and found business, and thus managed to secure a little money, although most of

my clients were poor and anything but influential I always did my best for them, however, and seldom lost acase But at the end of a few days a strange, undefinable, uneasy feeling began to crawl over me and crept into

my heart; I became more and more restless, anxious and nervous I was soon too uneasy to sit still or lie down.Horrible sufferings, agonies untold, woe unspeakable, deprived me of reason, and when I had the inclination Ihad not the will to guide myself aright Then all of a sudden, my fierce and unrelenting appetite would sweep,vulture like, down upon me, and I would feel myself on the point of giving way After this I would rally for abrief season, but only to sink into still deeper misery and desperation There were days without food, andnights without sleep, but God pity me! not without liquor I lived on the hellish liquid alone, and such a life!The devils of the lower world could see nothing to envy in it It was worse than their own torture The

quantity of liquor which I now required was enormous I have drank, on the closing days of a spree, onegallon of whisky within the duration of twenty-four hours, and when I could not get whisky, I would drinkalcohol, vinegar, camphor, liniment, pepper-sauce in short, anything that would have a tendency to heat mystomach I would have drank fire could I have done so knowing that it would satisfy the thirst that was

consuming me I left untried no means that would enable me to break away from my appetite For two or threesummers after I began practicing law, I went into the country and engaged myself to plow corn at seventy-fivecents per day, in order to keep myself as long as possible from the dangers of the town In the autumn season,after a debauch of weeks, I have hired out and shucked or husked corn in order to get money with which tobuy myself boots and winter clothing I occasionally taught school in the country, but not for money, for I

have made more at my profession, when in a condition to practice it, in a single day than I got for teaching awhole month My object was to free myself, to break my manacles, to open the door of my prison cell andwalk forth in the upright posture of a man Sadly I write, "in vain!" If I fled, the demon outran me; if I broke alink, the demon moulded another; if I prayed, he put the curse into my mouth As I look back over my

horror-haunted, broken, misspent, and false existence, I realize how worthless I am, and I see that my life is afailure I am in my thirty-second year, and am prematurely old, without the wisdom, or gray hairs, or

goodness, or truth, or respect which should accompany age My heart is frosty but not my hair

I will now endeavor to recite some of the scenes through which I passed, that the reader may form for himself

an opinion regarding my sufferings I left Rushville on one of my periodical sprees (I do not remember theexact time, but no matter about that, the fact is burning in my memory), and after three or four weeks of blind,insane, drunken, unpremeditated travel heaven only knows where I found myself again in Rushville, butmore dead than alive I experienced a not unfamiliar but most strange foreboding that some terrible calamitywas impending I was more nervous than ever before, so much so in fact that I became alarmed seriously, andcalled on Dr Moffitt for medical advice He diagnosed my case, and informed me that my condition wasdangerous, unnatural and wild He gave me some medicine and kindly advised me to go into his house and liedown, I remained there two days and nights, and in spite of his able treatment and constant care I grew worse

Do you know what is meant by delirium tremens, reader? If not, I pray God you may never know more thanyou may learn from these pages I pray God that you may never experience in any form any of the disease'shorrors It was this, the most terrible malady that ever tortured man, that was laying its ghastly, livid,

serpentine hands upon me All at once, and without further warning, my reason forsook me altogether, and Istarted from Dr Moffitt's house to go to my boarding place The sidewalks were to me one mass of living,moving, howling, and ferocious animals Bears, lions, tigers, wolves, jaguars, leopards, pumas all wild beasts

of all climes were frothing at the mouth around me and striving to get to me Recollect that while all this washallucination, it was just as real as if it had been an undeniable and awful reality Above and all around me Iheard screams and threatening voices At every step I fell over or against some furious animal When I finallyreached the door leading to my room and just as I was about to enter, a human corpse sprang into the

doorway It had motion, but I knew that it was a tenant of that dark and windowless abode, the grave Itopened full upon me its dull, glassy, lustreless eyes; stark, cold, and hideous it stood before me It lifted astiffened arm and struck me a blow in the face with its icy and almost fleshless hand from which reptiles felland writhed at my feet I turned to rush into another room, but the door was bolted I then thought for a secondthat I was dreaming, and I awoke and laughed a wild laugh, which ended in a shriek, for I knew that I wasawake I turned again toward my own door, and the form had vanished I jumped into my room and tore off

my clothes, but as I threw aside my garments, each separate piece turned into something miscreated andhorrible, with fiendish and burning eyes, that caused my own to start from their sockets My room was filledwith menacing voices, and just then a mighty wind rushed past my window, and out of the wind came cries,and lamentations, and curses, which took shapes unearthly, and ranged about the bed on which I lay

shuddering Die! die! die! they shrieked I was commanded to hold my breath, and they threatened horrorsunimaginable if I did not obey

I now believed that my time had come to render up the life which had been so much abused I asked whatwould become of my soul when my body gave it up, and they told me it would descend to the tortures of aneverlasting hell, and that once there, my present sufferings would be as bliss compared with what was in storefor me for an endless age As my eyes wandered about the room I was afraid to close them I saw thatinnumerable devils were crowding into it They were henceforth to be my companions, and if the Prince of all

of them ever allowed me to leave for a brief time the regions of infernal woe, it would be in their companyand on missions such as they were now fulfilling I called aloud for my mother, and a voice more diabolicalthan any I had yet heard, hissed into my ears that she was chained in hell, but immediately a million devilsscreamed, "Liar! she is in heaven!" I refused then to hold my breath, and told them to kill me and do theirworst In an instant the spirit of my mother, like a benediction, rested beside me As she begged for me I knewthat it was her voice, natural as in her life on earth While she was yet imploring for me the room becameradiant, and I saw that it was full of angels I felt a strange joy My sins were pardoned, and I was told that I

should go forth and preach and save souls I was commanded to get out of bed, put on my clothes, and godown stairs, where I would be told what to do I obeyed, and on opening the door that led to the street, a mancame to me and he bid me follow him The spirits whispered to me that the man was Christ, and his looks,acts and steps even were such as I had conceived were his when he was once a meek and lowly sufferer onearth I followed him about sixty rods, when he told me to stop I did so, and just then the heavens openedwith a great blaze of glory, and millions of angels came down Such music as then broke upon my senses Inever heard before, and have never since heard The angels would approach near me and tell me they weregoing to take me to heaven with them; then they would disappear for an instant and devils gathered about me.

I could hear music and see the heavenly hosts returning They came and went many times thus, and after theywent away the last time, I was again surrounded by fiends who inflicted every torture on me Christ

commanded me to stand in that place, I thought, and there I remained It was very cold, and I froze my feetand hands I then felt that the devils were burning off my feet, and I shrieked for liquor I looked down andsaw a bottle at my feet, but when I reached down to get it a lion threw his claws over it, and warned me with afierce growl not to touch it The snow melted, the season changed, and I was standing in mud and mire up to

my neck Ropes were tied around me, and horses were hitched to them to drag me from the deeps, but intrying to draw me out the ropes would snap asunder and I was left imbedded in the clay They could not move

me, because Christ had commanded me to stand there A little while before the break of day the Savior

appeared and told me to go I started to run, but when I got alongside the old depot there burst from it thecombined screams of millions of incarnate devils I can hear in fancy still the avalanche of voices which rolledfrom those lost myriads I ran into the first house to which I came Its saw at a glance what was the nature of

my terrible trouble, but he had no power to help me I beheld the face of a black fiend grinning on me through

a window In the center of his forehead was an enormous and fiery eye, and about his sinister mouth the grinwhich I at first saw became demoniacal He called the fiends, and I heard them come as a rushing tornado, andsurround the house Everything I attempted to do was anticipated by them If I thought of moving my hand Iheard them say, "Look! he is going to lift his hand." No matter what I did or thought of doing, they cursed me.When daylight at last came and oh, what an age of dying agony lay behind it in the vast hollow darkness ofthe night! the horrid objects disappeared, but the voices remained and talked with me all day You who read,imagine yourselves alone in a room, or walking deserted streets, with voices articulating words to you with asclear distinctness as words were ever spoken to you Many of the voices were those of friends and

acquaintances whom I knew to be in their graves, and yet they their voices were conversing with, or talking

to me, during the whole of that long, long, terrible day I was tortured with fears and a dread of somethinginfinitely horrible I went to my office the voices were there! I stepped to the window, and on the street weremen congregating in front of the building I could hear their voices, and they were all talking of hanging me Ihad committed an appalling crime, they said I knew not where to go or whither to fly Now and then I couldhear strains of music The dreaded night came on, and with it the fiends returned In the excitement of

breaking from my office, I forgot to put on my overcoat The moment I got on the street the freezing winddrove me back, but hundreds of voices gathered around me and threatened me with death if I entered the dooragain I went away followed by them, and wandered in a thin coat up and down the streets, and through thewoods all night The wonder was that I did not freeze to death I could hear crowds of excited people at thecourt house discussing me, I thought When I started to go there, every door and window of the building flewopen and fiery devils darted out and cursed me away All the time I was dying for whisky, but the saloonkeepers would not give me a drop They saw and understood what was the matter with me, and refused tofinish the work begun in their dens I started at last in the direction of home Just outside of the town a man by

my side showed me a bottle of whisky I was dying for it, and begged him for at least one swallow He openedthe bottle and held it to my lips, and I saw that the bottle was full of blood Again and again did he deceive

me Exhausted at last, I sank down in the snow and begged for death to come and end my life, but instead, acompany of citizens of Rushville, whom I knew, gathered around me and a glass of whisky was handed to me

I saw that everyone present held a similar glass in his hand, which, at a given word, was raised to the mouth Ihastened to drink, but while they drained their glasses, I could not get a drop from mine I looked more closely

at the glass and discovered that there were two thicknesses to it, and that the liquor was contained betweenthem I studied how I could break the glass and not spill the whisky, and begged and plead with the men to

have mercy on me I got out into the woods four or five miles from Rushville, and wandered about in thesnow, but all around and above me were the universal and eternal voices threatening me A thousand visionscame and went; a thousand tortures consumed me; a thousand hopes sustained me.

I quit the woods pursued by winged and cloven-footed fiends, and ran to the house of Andy Hinchman Hereceived and gave me shelter until morning, when he carried me back home in his buggy I had no more thangot into his house when it was surrounded by my tormentors They raised the windows and commencedthrowing lassos at me, in order, as they said, to catch me and drag me out that they might kill me I sat up in

my chair until daylight, fighting them off with both hands All these terrible torments were, I repeat, realities,intensified over the ordinary realities of life a hundred fold I had wandered to and fro, as I have described, butthe people, the angels and the devils were alike the phantasmagoria of my diseased mind For one week afterthe night last mentioned, I had no use of either arm I had so frozen my feet that I could not put on my boots

Mr Hinchman kindly loaned me a pair that I succeeded, although with great pain, in drawing on, for theywere three sizes larger than I was in the habit of wearing The devils were still with me, but I had moments ofreason when I could banish them from my mind On our way to town they rode on top of the buggy and clung

to the spokes of the wheels, and whirled over and over with dizzy revolutions How they fought, and cursed,and shrieked! When I got to my room it was the same, and for days I was surrounded the greater part of thetime with demons as numberless as those seen in the fancy of the mighty poet of a Lost Paradise marshaledunder the infernal ensign of Lucifer on the fiery and blazing plains of hell! For more than one month after themadness left me I was afraid to sleep in a room alone, and the least sound would fill me with fear I ran whennone pursued, and hid when no one was in search of me My sleep was fitful and full of terrible dreams, and

my days were days of unrest and anguish unspeakable

CHAPTER VIII.

Wretchedness and degradation Clothes, credit, and reputation all lost The prodigal's return to his father'shouse Familiar scenes The beauty of nature My lack of feeling A wild horse I ride him to Raleigh andget drunk A mixture of vile poison My ride and fall The broken stirrups My father's search I get homeonce more Depart the same day on the wild horse A week at Lewisville Sick Yearnings for sympathy

My condition now grew worse from day to day I descended step by step to the lowest depths of wretchednessand degradation Often my only sleeping-place was the pavement, or a stairway, or a hall leading to someoffice I lost my clothes, pawning most of them to the rum-sellers, until I was unfit to be seen, so few anddirty and ragged were the garments which I could still call my own In ten years I have lost, given away, andpawned over fifty suits of clothes Within the three years just past I have had six overcoats that went the way

of my reputation and peace of mind

I left Rushville at the time of which I am writing, but not until it was out of my power to either buy or beg adrop of liquor not until my reputation was destroyed and everything else that a true man would prize andthen, like the prodigal who had wallowed with swine, I returned to my father's house the home of my

childhood, around which lay the scenes which were imprinted on my mind with ineffaceable colors But I haddestroyed the sense which should have made them comforting to me I have no doubt that nature is

beautiful that there are fine souls to whom she is a glorious book, on whose divine pages they learn wisdomand find the highest and most exalting charms But I, alas, am dead to her subtle and sacred influences

However, I might have been benefited by my stay at home, had it been difficult for me to find that which myappetite still craved; but it was not so Falmouth and Raleigh and Lewisville were still within easy reach, andnot only at these, but at many other places could liquor be procured, and I got it The curse was on me Mycondition became such that it was unsafe to send me from home on any business I can recall times when I lefthorses hitched to the plow or wagon and went on a spree, forgetting all about them, for weeks I had left homefirm in the resolve to not touch a drop of liquor under any circumstances, and so thoroughly did I believe that

I would not, that I would have staked my soul on a wager that I would keep sober But the sight of a saloon, or

of some person with whom I had been on a drunk, or even an empty beer keg, would rouse my appetite to

such an extent that I gave up all thoughts of sobriety and wanted to get drunk I always allowed myself to bedeceived with the idea that I would only get on a moderate drunk this time, and then quit forever But the firstdrink was sure to be followed by a hundred or a thousand more.

Once while in a state of beastly intoxication at Rushville, my father came for me and took me home in awagon, and for two weeks I scarcely stirred outside of the house But the house which should have been aparadise to me was made a prison by reason of my desires for the hell-created liberty of entering saloons andassociating with men as reckless as myself I became morose, nervous, and uneasy I took a horseback rideone morning and would not admit to myself that I cared less for the ride than to feel that I could go where Icould get liquor I did not want to drink, but like the moth which returns by some fatal charm again and again

to the flames which eventually consume it, I could not resist the temptation to go where I could lay my hands

on the curse There was on the farm, among the horses, one that was unusually wild, which had hithertothrown every person that mounted it The only way it could be managed at all was with a rough curb-bittedbridle, and even then each rein had to be drawn hard If there was any one thing on which I prided myself atthat time it was my proficiency in riding horses I determined on mastering this horse, and early one morning Imounted his back I got along without a great amount of difficulty in keeping my seat until I got to Raleigh.Here I dismounted and sat in the corner groceries for an hour or more, talking to acquaintances Finally, likethe dog returning to his vomit, I crossed the street and went into a saloon Had the door opened into thevermilion lake of fire I would have passed through it if I had been sure of getting a drink, so sudden anduncontrollable was the appetite awakened Only a few minutes before I had with religious solemnity assuredtwo young men who were keeping a dry goods store there that I had quit drinking forever To test me, Isuppose, one of them had said to me that he had some excellent old whisky, and wanted me to try a little of it,and offered me the jug I carried it to my mouth, and took a swallow It was a villainous compound of whisky,alcohol and drugs of various kinds, which he sold in quart bottles under the name of some sort of bitters whichwere warranted to cure every disease: and I will add that I believe to this day that they would do what he saidthey would, for I do not think any human being, bird, or beast, unless there is another Quilp living, coulddrink two bottles of it in that number of days and not be beyond the need of further attention than that required

to prepare him for burial It was the sight of the jug and the taste of the poison slop which it contained thataroused my appetite and scattered my resolves to the tempest Once in the saloon I drank without regard toconsequences, and without caring whether the horse I rode was as jaded and tame as Don Quixote's ill-favoredbut famous steed, or as wild and unmanageable as the steed to which the ill-starred Mazeppa was lashed I didnot stop to consider that a clear head and steady hand were necessary to guide that horse and protect my life,which would be endangered the moment I again mounted my horse Ordinarily I would have gone away andleft the horse to care for itself, but I remembered the character of the horse, and with a drunken maniac'sperversity of feeling I would not abandon it I designed getting only so drunk, and then I would show the folkswhat a young man could really do On leaving the saloon I returned to the jug, which contained the mixturedescribed, and which would have called up apparitions on the blasted heath that would have not only startledthe ambitious thane, but frightened the witches themselves out of their senses

I took one full drink what is called in the vernacular of the bar room a "square" drink from the jug, and that,uniting with the saloon slop, made me a howling maniac I have forgotten to mention that I got a quart of asraw and mean whisky in the saloon as was ever sold for the sum which I gave for it fifty cents It was aboutnine o'clock at night when I bethought me of the horse which I had sworn to ride home that evening I untiedthe beast with some difficulty, and led him to a mounting block I got on the block, and, after putting my footsecurely in the stirrup, fell into the saddle, I was too drunk to think further, and so permitted the horse to takewhatever course suited it best It took the road toward home, but not as quietly as a butterfly would havestarted He flew with furious speed, onward through the night, bearing me as if I had only been a feather I didnot, for I could not, attempt to control him It was a race with death, and the chances were in death's favorlong before we reached the home stretch Possibly I might have ridden safely home had the road been astraight one, but it was not, and, on making a short turn, I was thrown from the saddle, but my feet weresecurely fastened in the stirrups, and so I was dragged onward by the animal, which did not pause in its madcareer, but rather sped forward more wildly than ever I was dragged thus over a quarter of a mile, and would

undoubtedly have been killed had not one and then the other stirrup broken I lay with my feet in the detachedstirrups until near morning, wholly unconscious and dead, I presume, to all appearances It was quite a whileafter I came to my senses before I could realize what had happened, who, and what, and where I was, and then

my knowledge was too vague to enable me to determine anything definitely I crawled to a house which wasnear by, fortunately, and remained there during the morning I was badly, but not dangerously, injured Theskin was torn from one side of my face, and three of my fingers were disjointed I was bruised all over, andcut slightly in several places How I escaped death is a miracle, but escape it I did The horse went on homeand was found early in the morning, with the stirrup leathers dangling from the saddle When the family sawthe horse they at once were of the opinion that I had been killed, and my father took the road to Raleighimmediately, thinking to find my dead body on the way Fearing that they would discover the horse and befrightened about me, I started home, and had not gone far when I met my father As soon as he saw me

walking in the road, he burst into tears I did not dare look as he rode up to me, but continued walking, and herode slowly past me I could hear his sobs, but was too much overcome with shame to speak I walked ontoward home as fast as I could, and my heart-broken but happy father followed slowly in my rear When I gotwithin sight of the house my sister saw me and ran to meet me, crying: "Oh, we thought you were killed thistime I was sure you were killed It is so dreadful to think of!" etc She was crying and laughing in a breath

My feelings were such as words can not describe I wanted the earth to open and swallow me up I suffered athousand deaths This is only one of a hundred similar debauches, each more deplorable and humiliating in itsconsequences than the last

At times, as the waters of the awful sea called the Past dash over me, I almost die of strangulation I pant andgasp for breath, and shudder and tremble in my terror My spree on this occasion was not yet over; my

appetite was burning and raging, and notwithstanding my almost miraculous escape from a drunken death, Iwatched my opportunity, like a man bent on self-destruction, and again mounted the same horse and startedfor Raleigh But my father had preceded me, and given orders at the saloon and elsewhere that I should not beallowed more liquor I was determined to satisfy my appetite, and with this purpose subjugating every other, Iwent on to Lewisville, where I remained for more than a week, drinking day and night Finally one of mybrothers, hearing of my whereabouts, came after me and took me home I was so completely exhausted themoment that the liquor began to die out that I had to go to bed, and there I remained for some time After suchdebauches the physical suffering is intense and great; but it is little in comparison with the tortures of themind After such a spree as the one just mentioned, it has generally been out of my power to sleep for a week

or longer after getting sober I have tossed for hours and nights upon a bed of remorse, and had hell with all itsflames burning in my heart and brain Often have I prayed for death, and as often, when I thought the finalhour had come, have I shrunk back from the mysterious shadow in which flesh has no more motion Oftenhave I felt that I would lose my reason forever, but after a period of madness, nature would be merciful andrestore me my lost senses Often have I pressed my hands tightly over my mouth, fearing that I would scream,and as often would a low groan sound in my blistered throat, the pent up echo of a long maniacal wail Oftenhave I contemplated suicide, but as often has some benign power held back my desperate hand; once, indeed,

I tried to force the gates of death by an attempt to take my own life, but, heaven be forever praised! I did notsucceed, for the knife refused to cut as deep as I would have had it I thought I would be justifiable in

throwing off by any means such a load of horror and pain as I was weighed down with Who would not escapefrom misery if he could? I argued If the grave, self-sought, would hide every error, blot out every pang, andshield from every storm, why not seek it?

They have in certain lands of the tropics a game which the people are said to watch with absorbing interest It

is this: A scorpion is caught With cruel eagerness the boys and girls of the street assemble and place thereptile on a board, surrounded with a rim of tow saturated with some inflammable spirit This ignited, thetorture of the scorpion begins Maddened by the heat, the detested thing approaches the fiery barrier andattempts to find some passage of escape, but vain the endeavor! It retreats toward the center of the ring, and asthe heat increases and it begins to writhe under it, the children cry out with pleasure a cry in which, I fancy,there is a cadence of the sound which sends a thrill of delight through hell the sound of exultation which risesfrom the tongues of bigots when the martyr's soul mounts upward from the flames in which his body is

consumed Again the scorpion attempts to escape, and again it is turned back by that impassable barrier offire The shouts of the children deepen At last, finding that there is no way by which to fly, the hated thingretreats to the center of its flaming prison and stings itself to death Then it is that the exultation of the crowd

of cruel tormentors is most loudly expressed But do not infer from what I have said that I look with favor onsuicide under any circumstances That I do not do, but I would have you look at society and some of itsvictims

See what barriers of flame are often thrown around poor, despairing, miserable men! Listen to that

indifference and condemnation, and this wail of agony! Can you wonder that the outcast abandons hope andplunges the knife into his heart? He is driven to madness, and feeling that all is lost, he commits an act whichdoes indeed lose everything for him, for it bars the gates of heaven against him Before he had nothing onearth; now he has nothing in paradise Alas for those who triumph over the fall of a fellow creature God havemercy on those who exult over the wretchedness of a victim of alcohol! Woe to those who ridicule his efforts

to escape, and who mock him when he fails Do they not help to shape for him the dagger of self-destruction?What ingredients of poison do they not mix with the fatal drink which deprives him of breath? With whatthreads do they strengthen the rope with which he hangs himself! Where should the most blame rest, wheredoes it most rest in the eyes of God with society which drives him forth a depraved and friendless creature?

or with himself no longer accountable for his acts? O the agony of feeling that on the whole face of the earththere is not a face that will look upon you in kindness, nor a heart that will throb with compassion at sight ofyour misery! I know what this agony is, for in my darkest hours I have looked for pity and strained my ears tocatch the tones of a kindly voice in vain But let me hasten to say, lest I be misunderstood, that since I

commenced to lecture, I have had the support and active help of thousands of the very best men and women inthe land I doubt that there was ever a man in calamity trying to escape from terrors worse than those of deathwho had more aid than has been extended to me Could prayers and tears lift one out of misfortune andwretchedness I would long ago have stood above all the tribulations of my life I desire to have every man andwoman that has bestowed kindness on me, if only a word or look, know that I remember such kindness, andthat I long to prove that it was not thrown away Every day there rises before me numberless faces I have metfrom time to time, each beautiful with the love, sympathy, and pity which elevates the human into the divine.There are others, I regret to say, that pass before me with dark looks and scowls I know them well, for theyhave sought to discourage and drag me down Their tongues have been quick to condemn and free to vilify

me I seek no revenge on them I forgive as wholly and freely as I hope to be forgiven May God soften theirtiger hearts and melt their hyena souls

CHAPTER IX.

The ever-recurring spell Writing in the sand Hartford City In the ditch Extricated Fairly started Atelegram My brother's death Sober A long night Ride home Palpitation of the heart Bluffton Theinevitable Delirium again No friends, money, nor clothes One hundred miles from home I take a

walk Clinton county Engage to teach a school The lobbies of hell Arrested Flight to the country Openschool A failure Return home The beginning of a terrible experience Two months of uninterrupted

drinking Coatless, hatless, and bootless The "Blue Goose" The tremens Inflammatory rheumatism Thetorments of the damned Walking on crutches Drive to Rushville Another drunk Pawn my clothes AtIndianapolis A cold bath The consequence Teaching school Satisfaction given The kindness of DanielBaker and his wife A paying practice at law

I was at all times unhappy, and hence I was always restless and discontented I was continually striving forsomething that would at least give me contentment, but before I could establish myself in any thing theever-recurring spell would seize me, and whatever confidence I had succeeded in gaining was swept away Iwrote in sand, and the incoming tide with a single dash annihilated the characters During one of my uneasywanderings I went to Hartford City, Indiana Hartford "City," like all other cities In the land, has a full supply

of saloons With a view of advertising myself I had my friends announce on the second day after my arrivalthat I would deliver a political speech This speech was listened to by an immense crowd, and heartily praised

by the party whose principles I advocated I was puffed up with the enthusiasm of the people, and repairedwith some of the local leaders to a saloon to take a drink in honor of the occasion The drink taken by me asusual wrought havoc I wanted more, as I always do when I take one drink, and I got more I got more thanenough, too, as I always do On the way home with a gentleman whom I knew, I fell into a ditch, but wasextricated with difficulty, and finally carried to the house of a friend My clothes were wet and covered withmud After sleeping awhile I got up and stole from the house very much as a thief would have sneaked away Iwas fairly started on another spree, and for three weeks I drank heavily and constantly Sometime during thethird week of my debauch I received a telegram stating that my brother was dead The suddenness and terriblenature of the news caused me to become sober at once It was just at twilight when I received the telegram,and there was no train until nine o'clock the next morning That night seemed like an age to me I never closed

my eyes in sleep, but lay in my bed weak and terror-stricken, waiting for the morning It came at last, for thelongest night will end in day I got on the train and sat down by a window I was so weak and nervous that Icould not hold a cup in my hand But I wanted no more liquor The terrible news of the previous day hadfrightened away all desire for drink I had not ridden far when I was seized with palpitation of the heart Thesudden cessation from all stimulants had left my system in a condition to resist nothing, and when my heartlost its regular action, the chances were that I could not survive All day I drew my breath with painful

difficulty, and thought that each respiration would be the last I raised the car window and put out my head sothat the rushing air would strike my face, and this revived me When I got home my brother was buried I hadleft him a few days before in good health and proud in his strength I returned to find him hidden forever from

my sight by the remorseless grave What I felt and suffered no one knew, nor can ever know Every night forweeks I could see my brother in life, but the cold reality of death came back to me with the light of day I wasstunned and almost crazed by the blow, and yet there were not wanting persons who, incapable of a deep pang

of sorrow, said that I did not care Could they have been made to suffer for one night the agony which Iendured for weeks they would learn to feel for the miseries of others, and at the same time have a knowledge

of what sufferings the human heart is capable

My next move was to Bluffton, Wells county, Indiana, where I arranged to go into the practice of the law Buthere at Bluffton, as elsewhere, were the devil's recruiting offices the saloons and the first night after Ireached the town I got drunk I remained in Bluffton until I got over the debauch, which embraced a siege ofthe delirium tremens more horrible than that already described When I came to myself, I determined that Iwould go home I was without money; I had no friends in Bluffton, and but few clothes to my back, and it wasover one hundred miles to my father's, but I started on foot and walked the whole way I stayed quietly athome a few days, and then went to Howard and Clinton counties on business, which was to make somecollections on notes for other parties While in Clinton county I engaged to teach a district school, and in order

to begin at the time specified by the trustees, I returned home to get ready I started to return to Clinton county

on Friday, so as to be there to open school on the following Monday I got off the train at Indianapolis, andwent into one of the numerous lobbies of hell near the depot It was a week from that evening before I wassober enough to realize where I was, who I was, where I had come from, and whither I had started I couldhardly believe it possible that I had fallen again, but there was no doubt of the fact I had been arrested andhad pawned my trunk to get money to pay my fine To this day I don't know why I was arrested, but for beingdrunk, I suppose I fled from the city, and walked thirty miles into the country, where I borrowed enoughmoney of a friend to redeem my trunk I then started for my school Notwithstanding I was one week behind,the trustees were still expecting me, and on Monday morning, one week later than the time appointed at first, Iopened school But I was so worn out and confused in my faculties that at noon I was forced to dismiss theschool I hurried from the house to a small village in the neighborhood and there I got more liquor The nextmorning I left for home Such a condition of affairs was lamentable and damnable, but I was powerless tomake it better I have often wondered what the people of that neighborhood thought when they found that Ihad taken a cargo of whisky and disappeared as mysteriously as I came If the young idea shot forth at allduring that season among the children of that district it was directed by other hands than mine I never sent in

a bill for the sixty-two and a half cents due me for that half day's work If the good people of Clinton willconsent to call the matter even, I will here and now relinquish every possible claim, right, or title to theaforesaid amount They have probably long since forgotten the school which was not taught, and the

pedagogue who did not teach I arrived at home in course of time, and remained there a few days.

It was not long until my restless disposition drove me forth in search of some new adventure, and now comesthe brief and imperfect recital of the most terrible experiences of my life On the first of July I began to drink,and it was not until the first of September that I quit During this time I went to Cincinnati twice, once toKentucky, and twice to Lafayette I traveled nearly all the time, and much of the time I was in an unconsciousstate I started from home with two suits of clothes which I pawned for whisky after my money was all gone Iarrived at Knightstown one day without coat, vest or hat I was also barefooted A friend supplied me withthese necessary articles, and as soon as I put them on I went to a saloon kept by Peter Stoff, and there I staidfour days without venturing out on the street As soon as I was able, I took up my journey homeward When Igot to Raleigh I was so completely worn out that I dropped down in a shoe shop and saloon, both of whichwere in the same compartment of a building That night I took the tremens The next day my father came after

me in a spring wagon, and hauled me home For the most part, during the two months of which I speak, I hadslept out doors, without even a dog for company, and I contracted slight cold and fever, which terminated in

an attack of inflammatory rheumatism in my left knee The rheumatism came on in an instant, and withoutany previous warning The first intimation I had of it was a keen pain, such as I imagine would follow a knife

if thrust through the centre of the knee When the doctor reached the house my knee had swollen enormously

I was burning up with a violent fever, and was wild with delirium He at once blistered a hole in each side of

my knee, and applied sedatives My suffering was literally that of the damned I lay upon my back for daysand nights on a small lounge, without sleeping a wink, so great was my suffering For forty-eight hours myeyes were rolled upward and backward in my head in a set and terrible rigidity In my delirium, I thought myroom was overran by rats I tried to fight them off as they came toward me, but when I thought they were gone

I could detect them stealing under my lounge, and presently they would be gnawing at my knee, and everytime one of them touched me, a thrill of unearthly horror shot through me They tore off pieces of my flesh,and I could see these pieces fall from their bloody jaws No pen could describe my sickening and revoltingsensations of horror and agony For sixty days did I lie upon my back on that couch, unable to turn on eitherside, or move in any way, without suffering a thousand deaths I experienced as much pain as ever was felt byany mortal being, and it is still a wonder to me how I survived I was, on more than one occasion, believed to

be dead by my friends, and they wrapped me in the winding sheet Even then I was conscious of what theywere doing, and yet I was unable to move a muscle, or speak, or groan A horrible fear came over me that theywould bury me alive I seemed to die at the thought, but, had mountains been heaped upon me, it would havebeen as easy for me to show that I was not dead But I would gradually regain the power of articulation, andthen again would hope rise in the hearts of those who were watching At last, but slowly, I recovered

sufficiently to be able to leave my room I procured a pair of crutches, and by their aid I could go about thehouse Next I went out riding in a buggy, and after a time got so that I could walk without difficulty, thoughnot without my crutches, for I did not yet dare to bear weight on my afflicted knee

One day I went to Rushville, and O, curse of curses! gave way to my appetite The moment the whiskybegan to affect me, I forgot that I had crutches, and set my lame leg down with my whole weight upon it Thesudden and agonizing pain caused me to give a scream, and yet I repeated the step a number of times But theinsufferable pain caused me to return home

It was now winter The Legislature was in session at Indianapolis, and I was promised a position, and, withthis end in view, packed my trunk and bid good-by to the folks at home At Shelbyville, at which place I had alittle business to attend to, I took a drink Just how and why I took it has been already told, for the same causealways influenced me The same result followed, and at Indianapolis I kept up the debauch until I had traded asuit of clothes worth sixty dollars for one worth, at a liberal estimate, about sixty-five cents I even pawned

my crutches, which I still used and still needed One day I went to a bath-room, and after remaining in thebath for half an hour, with the water just as warm as I could bear it, I resolved to change the programme, and,without further reflection, I turned off the warm and turned on water as cold as ice could make it It almostcaused my death In an instant every pore of my body was closed, and I was as numb as one would be iffrozen Even my sight was destroyed for a few minutes, but I contrived to get out of the bath and put on my