The Essential Thailand Retirement Guide Pete Bowen doc

It isn’t hard to find western food, but it’s generally not as good as what you would expect to receive at home.. A Thai girl is going to keep house and make meals.. It’s always good to b

The Essential Thailand Retirement Guide

Pete Bowen Copyright 2012 by Pete Bowen Smashwords Edition

Introduction

It’s not surprising that Thailand was chosen as the best country in the world for

expats to reside The HSBC Expat Explorer Survey of 2011 found the Kingdom beat 31 other countries for health care, accommodation, work environment and lifestyle Thailand is

my home I live in a beautiful tropical beach community in a three bedroom condo with security and spacious pools Where can I live like that in America for $2,000 a month? You can’t do it for twice that amount!

I don’t want to paint the Land of Smiles (LOS) as the be all and end all for every retiree Buddha knows, it has its issues, but for someone who has the courage to get out of their comfort zone in the West and maybe doesn’t have the money to retire in a luxurious style in a western country, Thailand can be that special place

Make no mistake, it is going to take courage to travel half way around the world and live in a place where things are very, very different Family and friends are rarely going to be coming for a visit and trips home are expensive You’ll probably never speak or read the Thai

language You’ll always be an outsider You’ll never have the same rights as Thais and you won’t be looked at the same You’ll always be vulnerable It’s just the way things are You're

a foreigner or as the Thai refer to you, “farang” and no matter how hard you try, you'll never

be Thai

Thai culture is very different from the West Combined with a very different language,

Thailand can be a difficult place to grasp and understand "TIT," short for "This is Thailand", is

a phrase coined and frequently used by former Bangkok Post nightlife columnist, Bernard Trink It’s often used in conversation and writing by expats to explain puzzling behavior and the way things are done TIT can be frustrating or a never ending source of wonderment and fun

Retirement in Thailand is as close to stress free as you’ll find anywhere No place can match the “fun factor” that Thailand offers Lower your expectations and be flexible enough to overlook the everyday craziness that makes Thailand unique and you’ll be happy here

I hope this book will help you decide if Thailand is the right place for you This is a guide to the Land of Smiles for the retiree, with all its blemishes It should give you an idea of what to expect I’ll breakdown the expenses for different budgets and the lifestyles they provide Give you alternative places where you might choose to live I’ll tell you a little about the people and the culture Finally, I’ll give you some tips on what to do for a safe and fun

retirement Join me for the adventure of your life

Chapter 1 - Checking Out Of the Hotel California

At 59, I found myself unemployed and the US economy didn’t present many future prospects

My children were grown, had moved away and I’d recently ended a long term relationship I sat in my four bedroom home in a wonderful San Francisco Bay Area community, feeling a little sorry for myself What the hell was I going to do? After a lot of soul searching, I decided

to take a chance, roll the dice and cash out Sell the house, all my belongings, say goodbye to friends and family and retire…somewhere

Looking back, it was the right thing to do at the right time It was the perfect storm of

circumstances No job, children gone and no relationship, what was keeping me there? The

roots ran deep in my adopted hometown It was where I raised my kids I did a lot of youth coaching I knew a lot people I couldn’t walk down the street without running into people I knew All my friends were there Yes, the roots were deep.

This was a hard decision Maybe, the hardest I’ve ever made Retire and move half way

around the world? I think very few people can make the same decision and it’s a shame It shouldn’t be that tough Stay where you are and struggle or go for a life in paradise? I think we’re just afraid of change I’ve learned something in the last few years Change is

good very good

When I was 23, my wife and I moved to California after graduating from college I didn’t want

to spend my life in cold, staid Massachusetts There was a precedent for making big moves in

my life I didn’t know anyone in California There was the East Coast vs West Coast culture shock and of course, the language barrier I spoke Boston at the time It wasn’t easy, but we did it California was home for the next 35 years

The housing market was in the dumper when I decided to finally make the move, but my town hadn’t been hit as hard others It’s centrally located, upper class with great schools I could have made another $100,000 if I had sold my home the year before, but that was blood under the bridge in that housing market I had owned the house for 15 years and with appreciation, had significant equity I needed every penny I could get out of it, though I priced it fairly and listed it with a discount broker I baked cookies every time someone came to see it and it sold

in a month

Now the hard part: getting rid of 25 years of accumulated “stuff” I never thought of myself

as a pack rat, but there was a lot of stuff Furniture, clothes, office equipment, tools,

appliances, all had to go Let the garage sales begin! What I couldn’t sell, I gave away or tossed and I tossed a lot It took months I’m a musician so cherished guitars and keyboards went on Craig’s List and EBay

I made a promise to myself that I would never accumulate “stuff” again It’s a good plan, but difficult to stick to Every time I move now, I’m amazed at how much more “stuff” I’ve

acquired When I buy something now, I ask myself, “Do I really need this?” Still, stuff

accumulates A car, motorbikes, musical instruments, TVs, clothes, computers, last week I agonized over buying a blender! It was a good move I start every day with a mango smoothie, now

The “stuff” cleansing process took four months The day after the sale of the house was completed; I left on a one way ticket to Phuket, Thailand I had all my belongings with me in

a suitcase and a guitar on my back Three years later, I think it was the best decision I’ve ever made

Chapter Two - Where in Asia?

I’d been to Thailand a half a dozen times over the previous ten years and loved the place The people, the food and the low cost of living made it an ideal spot to kick off a retirement

home search The Kingdom of Thailand, formerly Siam, is known as the Land of Smiles (LOS) for good reason People smile easily and if you do the same, it’ll get you a long way here A smile can mean many things of course It can indicate happiness and contentment It can cover-up awkward situations and defuse confrontations I kept reminding myself of that.The Land of Smiles was high on the list of eventual permanent retirement destinations, but I owed myself a look around at all possible destinations in Asia

Phuket would be my base of operations for checking out a permanent retirement home Phuket is a beautiful island, 500 miles South of Bangkok It’s surrounded by the Andaman Sea with great beaches and a wicked nightlife The Phuket airport is a regional hub and it would

be easy to check out the countries on my retirement list: the Philippines, Malaysia, Cambodia and Vietnam

On Phuket, I started out in Patong, the busiest resort town I rented a furnished apartment right in the middle of town for $500 a month and started the party Patong has something like

300 bars, a modern shopping mall, great food and is the center of the adult entertainment industry Motorbikes are the preferred mode of transportation, but I’d never driven one So, I walked everywhere Food is cheap and food carts are everywhere A grilled chicken and rice meal (my go-to food) is $2

Malaysia

My first trip out of LOS was to Malaysia Malaysia is a liberal Muslim country The cost of living

is higher and the country is wealthier than Thailand The infrastructure is better Unlike Thailand, Malaysia welcomes expats and makes it easy to live there The MM2H (Malaysia My Second Home) program allows you to stay there on a 10 year visitors pass that allows you to come and go as you wish Thailand will have you jumping through hoops on a regular basis with their Visa requirements Malaysia is one of the safest countries in the world It has a modern medical system English is widely spoken It has a world class telecommunication system and modern highways You would probably drive a car there; Thailand is dominated by motorbikes It’s an excellent choice for retirement

My problem with Malaysia is the low fun quotient boring compared to Thailand Maybe a couple would find Malaysia more to their liking? The nightlife in the major cities can be found, but leaves a lot to be desired The expat community is a lot smaller I went to

Malaysia’s second biggest city, Penang The clincher for me was, I went to see the beaches around Penang and they were polluted! You couldn’t swim there I know there are some beautiful beaches in Malaysia once you get away from the city, but it just isn’t Thailand Malaysia is far more conservative than Thailand I looked forward to getting back to Phuket.

evening when everything stopped at 6 PM for the reading of the Lord’s Prayer over the store intercom Nightlife was comparable to Thailand in the big cities It’s easy to get a visa and stay forever, but who would want to? The Filipinos want to get out of there

The Philippines has many problems, too many problems Poverty and crime are widespread Crime is a big problem Children are begging in the streets The Poverty is much worse than Thailand There are armed guards everywhere When I used the ATM at a bank, a shotgun toting guard would stand next to me I suppose you get used to it after a while, but I was a little paranoid You absolutely must live in a gated community with security if you live there.There is great beauty in this Island nation I’m sure many expats have found their little piece

of paradise, but the corruption and poverty are a turn off The other problem is the food is terrible! Philippine’s national dish is pork Adobo, pork cooked in soy sauce, vinegar, and garlic Adobo is not only limited to pork Chicken, other meats and seafood are cooked this way It’s a vinegar based flavoring which is unlike the food in other Asian countries Herbs and spices are unknown Cheap fast-food copies like Jollybees, which doesn’t serve a single

healthy food item, are popular All the other Asian pacific countries have delicious spicy food

I don’t know what happened to the Phils For me, survival there would mean cooking all my own food

Vietnam

Next stop was Vietnam I landed in Ho Chi Minh City, formerly Saigon My first exposure to the authoritative Communist regime was at the airport visa office I offered my paperwork and I received a terse, “You wait,” while they processed the paperwork You need to arrange the visa ahead of your visit The cost through a service was $20 You can get a three month visa and in some cases a one year and renew three or four times before having to purchase

500,000 dong (approximately $26) Vietnam pegs its currency against the US dollar This means you are less subject to currency risk Compared to other countries in Southeast Asia, the cost of living is lowest in Vietnam That makes it one of the most preferred retirement destinations in the region It’s considerably less than Thailand One can live very well in Vietnam for under $1000 a month

Nha Trang is Vietnam’s most famous seaside resort-town and popular retirement destination Here's what a typical monthly budget looks like:

Rent: $350 for a large villa

Dining out: (breakfast and dinner almost every day): $150

Electricity: (running air conditioning at night and occasionally during the day) $40

Groceries: $50

Motorbike rental: $45

Gas, entertainment, miscellaneous: $50

The healthcare system isn’t in the same class as Thailand Almost anything can be purchased from pharmacies Like Thailand, drugs can be purchased over the counter without a

prescription with the approval of the pharmacist A visit to the doctor runs $5 If there are

serious health issues, a person can go to a foreign held hospital, for what is still an affordable price or jump on a short flight to Thailand.

I loved the food in Vietnam The French were in Vietnam for 200 years and it influenced the food The bread and pastries are some of the best in the world That’s something you won’t find in Thailand I was a big fan of Vietnamese food in the US A cup of coffee and a baguette will run you about 2000 Dong or 15 US cents The Vietnamese know how to prepare Western food, unlike many Asian countries Just sitting on the street in Vietnam is entertaining

Passing time in a street café, drinking ten cent draft beers, surrounded by food stalls serving delicious food for pennies, I could get comfortable there

The nightlife in Saigon is subdued Surprisingly, I saw marijuana being openly smoked in some

of the bars There are bars where companionship is available, but it’s a little weird A single woman can’t visit a hotel room She needs to have a room of her own Finding companionship

in Vietnam isn’t a problem It’s not hard to find a girlfriend Vietnamese woman are

beautiful

The biggest problem with Vietnam is the traffic It’s chaotic with everyone constantly honking their horns It’s a nightmare! There are rules for driving, but no one follows them and there is

no enforcement unless the police can make money Many locals drink and drive The problem

is particularly acute in the evening when people drink and drive, swerving in and out of traffic

in their SUV's at high rates of speed, with little consideration for anyone else on the road The fine for killing someone with a vehicle is around $100 Most times when an accident occurs people speed away They do the same thing in Thailand, but here, it’s worse There are no hit and run laws in Vietnam If you have an accident as a foreigner, you are at fault and must pay money to the other party, no matter who caused the accident In Saigon, It may be easier and safer to hire a taxi rather than walk across an intersection!

There are conflicting reports on crime in Vietnam I’ve heard that crime is a common

occurrence; break-ins, bicycles and motorcycles thefts, purse snatchings, low end stuff Guns are rare and major crime is almost nonexistent I felt safe walking the streets of Saigon It certainly isn’t like the Philippines You just don’t see many police The police seem oblivious

to crime and again have little incentive to step in, unless they can put money in their pocket You are on your own As in all these third world countries, you need to be vigilant I would rather walk around any city in the middle of the night in Malaysia, Thailand and Vietnam than

a city in the United States These are relatively safe places Guns are rare Robbery, rape and assault are rare Be more worried about getting hit by a motorbike, than crime! A friend pulled me out of the way, a second before I was creamed crossing a street That was after I looked both ways…five times

Vietnam is a lot poorer than Thailand, and less technologically advanced The people don’t have that same spark you see in the Thais This is not the land of smiles The Vietnamese seem to be more industrious than the Thais The lower fun quotation, the ridiculous traffic, lack of Western amenities that make living in a foreign country palatable, combined to make Vietnam a tough sell for me I crossed Vietnam off the list

There is no doubt Cambodia is cheap and friendly, but it’s also the way down the list when it comes to infrastructure It’s improved in recent years, but it still has a long way to go This is

a country that went through a horrendous civil war not too long ago

Sihanoukville is 143 miles southwest of the Capital, Phnom Penh, and probably the most desirable area in Cambodia because of the beaches Unfortunately, visitors are regularly ripped off by street thugs Crime is rampant When the sun goes down, the cops go home and the criminals come out The police spend most of their time trying to fleece tourists

Cambodia is the wild west of SE Asia Maybe someday, but Cambodia was not going to be my retirement home

Other Asian Countries

I considered other countries Singapore has to be one of the safest places in the world It has high quality healthcare The infrastructure compares with any Western country It has

beautiful woman and great food Everyone speaks English and you can work there, unlike all the rest of the countries I considered The problem is you probably have to work there because compared to Thailand, it’s expensive The cost of housing is comparable to the US If you want to continue to work and live in the East, this could be the place I wanted to retire.235,000,000 people live in Indonesia! That’s the 4th most populous country in the world and they have the traffic to prove it The Capital is named “The Big Durian”, after the thorny, stinky fruit Indonesia is a colorful and exotic country Indonesian society is largely Muslim and conservative The nightlife in Indonesian cities is vibrant and modern It’s not difficult to have a good time if you know where to look

Obtaining a visa for Indonesia can be a frustrating The requirements and processes are

changing constantly Healthcare is poor and certainly not up to Western standards,

particularly outside of Jakarta Indonesia is an exciting expat destination, but it’s certainly a country that has challenges Terrible air pollution, incredible traffic and corrupt cops are the turn offs here It looks dirty and run down and when it rains, the place floods I like to visit, especially Bali, but I don’t want to live there

In the end, the decision was easy No other country offered what Thailand does A

combination of Phuket’s beautiful beaches, good healthcare facilities, low cost of living and smiling people were all part of the decision Thailand was going to be my retirement home

Chapter 3 - I Gotta Get Out Of Patong

Phuket is a big island with a resident population of over a half a million and many more during high season There are many beautiful beach resort areas and Patong is the biggest It has become more of a family destination over the years, but the red light district remains the draw It is the adult Disneyland and draws thousands of tourists nightly The place is riotous fun

I’d recommend to any new expat retiree, enjoy the place, but get out of Patong as soon as possible? It’s painful fun It’s funhouse fun You realize, Patong is a ghetto and Phuket is beautiful and has so much more to offer, when you leave the ghetto

I’d been living right off of Bangla Road, the main street in the heart of Patong for three months and the honeymoon was over I’d been out hitting it on a nightly basis and it was getting old I’d come home and try and sleep with the high volume bass beats coming from the bars around me They’d all be playing different music It was a cacophony of noise that I could still hear through ear plugs There were two big construction projects going on

diagonally across the street There is always construction going on there They’d start pile driving every morning at 8 AM sharp I’d been out all night Ye gods, I needed a change

Expats are all over Thailand, but the most popular spots are Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Pattaya and

of course, Phuket The estimate is 350,000 expats living in Thailand I considered the most popular expat destinations:

Chiang Mai

Chiang Mai is the largest and most culturally significant city in northern Thailand It sits in a lush tropical valley surrounded by mountains, with the Ping River winding its way through the city Chiang Mai is rich in history and has many Buddhist temples The city center is

surrounded by a water-filled moat Chiang Mai seldom gets cold enough in the winter evenings

to need a jacket, and has a low crime rate

The cost of living is significantly lower than other popular expat destinations Fully furnished luxury condo and homes are available from $400 a month making it one of the top

destinations for expats Hot springs mineral baths are located just outside the city Beautiful national parks are a day trip away Trekking, mountain biking, and dirt biking are popular due

to the mountains and countryside that surround Chiang Mai Visiting the hill tribes, the

Monkey Center, snake farms, and elephant camps are a must The nightlife is fun with lots of bars and discos The people here are friendly and genuinely like Americans There is a lot to offer in the area

Many expats think they’ve died and gone to heaven living in Chiang Mai My problem with Chiang Mai is that I love the beaches, 500 miles south It’s as far away from the beaches as you can get in Thailand The other problem is the air pollution The mountain location and

low-pressure combine to trap the smoke from forest-fires and the practice of burning rice fields during the winter months You can’t live there if you have respiratory problems

Someday I may end up in Chiang Mai; I don’t know

Bangkok

Bangkok is a city of ten million people Being the regional business center for Thailand,

25,000 Americans call Bangkok home A high level of luxury and good value living are what attract many foreigners to settle in Bangkok It’s trendy and sophisticated, but the city has its shortcomings Beggars, litter, rats, clusters of electricity and telephone wire hanging

everywhere, the ever present prostitution and of course traffic combine to make Bangkok a lot like any other big city Bangkok could never be described as a pretty city What Bangkok does have going for it is its vibrancy and energy This is an exciting city and I love to visit.The cost of living is relatively expensive Nice places to live are relatively high priced Public transportation is very good and you don’t need to own a car The expat community is

centered on the Sukhumvit area, where there are modern condos and low-rise neighborhoods within reach of the metro or Skytrain There is always something to do in this huge,

fascinating city I love visiting Bangkok and I always love getting back on that plane heading home If you’re a city mouse, this is the place for you

Pattaya

Conveniently located 100 miles Southeast of Bangkok, Pattaya is the destination for sex tourism in Thailand It’s very popular vacation spot with a large expat community.

I’m not going to mince words here Pattaya is a shithole Wandering around this place is depressing: fat old guys, drunk aggressive punks, loud clueless Russians and incredibly cheap Indians I don’t know who makes for a worse tourist, Russians or Indians? Yes, I do, it’s Indians and I‘m not being racist! Indians have a terrible reputation They’ll go into the girly bars and order a Coke and 4 straws! They find themselves banned as a race in some bars

There is also a very real criminal element to the expat scene in Pattaya I don’t understand

it Some expats love the place If you're single, male and need somewhere within striking distance of Bangkok, I guess Pattaya works I couldn’t wait to get out of the place last time I was there and I’m not going back It’s a beach resort with a pathetic, dirty little beach

Say something positive about the place? Okay, it has some good golf courses It's big,

energetic, exciting and can be enjoyed on a budget

And, it’s a shithole

on the island of Phuket Phuket is the best place to live in the best country in the world for expats I probably should qualify that, as my own humble opinion, but it’s my book

I don’t have blinders on, Phuket has issues There is the crowded high season, a

transportation system dominated by what’s known as the tuk-tuk mafia, a long rainy season, corruption, a two tier pricing system for Thais and farangs and all of the other things about Thailand that can drive an expat crazy It’s also expensive! Well, not really, compared to the

West, but for Thailand, it’s expensive I just can’t imagine a better place to hang your hat than Phuket.

But you can’t live in Disneyland I needed to find a place to live I needed transportation and that meant a motorbike Motorbikes scare me People die on motorbikes every day here Hang out near the Emergency Room entrance at any hospital and you’ll see a constant stream

of motorbike injuries entering The pavement is unforgiving and we all have the scars to prove it You see gravel road rash on people everywhere Tourists come, rent bikes and go down I would suggest you pass on renting a motorbike if you’re just here on vacation As much as I hate the tuk-tuks, they’re a safer mode of transportation over relatively short distances

I dropped $1800 on a new top of the line Yamaha and started learning how to drive a

motorbike It took a year before I could say, I was comfortable driving First of all, the Thais drive on the left, the wrong side of the road for me I can’t tell you how many times I found myself driving down the wrong side of the road, when I first started Driving on the right side

is ingrained in the brain after driving for 40 years Then, there is the fact that Thais are insane drivers Traffic laws are not enforced, so drivers do whatever they feel like doing Passing on curves, running red lights, driving on the wrong side of the road, five people on a bike, anything goes Young Thai men (boy racers) drive erratically at high speed Ten year old children drive motorbikes! It’s nuts!

I’ve never seen a cop make a traffic stop

I’d never driven a motorcycle before Driving like a little old lady, I started exploring the other local beach communities I had made friends in Patong and still wanted to visit Kata, Karon, Nai Harn are all beautiful beach communities close by, but I chose Kamala, eight miles north of Patong Kamala is the place you retire with a girlfriend I didn’t have one I signed a one year lease on a three bedroom condo for 25,000 baht a month ($800) It was more than I was planning on spending, but the place had security, three big pools and was off in a

mountain jungle setting, five minutes from the beach I’m still there three years later

Chapter 4 - Politics As Usual

Thailand is an interesting country politically Thais use the phrase "land of the free" to

express pride in the fact that Thailand is the only country in Southeast Asia never colonized

by a European power His majesty the King has reigned since 1946, the world's longest-serving head of state The King of Thailand is titled Head of State, Head of the Armed Forces,

Upholder of the Buddhist religion, and the Defender of all Faiths There are laws against any criticism of the King with long jail terms for violations Adulation of the King is instilled in Thais at early age The Royal Family is featured nightly on the news The King is beloved by the Thai people He’s getting old now and what will happen after his death is anybody’s guess It feels like the King is the glue that holds this country together The line of succession

is uncertain along with the future of the country You want to be very careful when talking about the King Let me go further, DON’T TALK ABOUT THE KING There are laws that will get you thrown in prison or out of the country for saying anything negative about the King

Thailand has gone through decades of political instability characterized by coups d’état as one military regime replaced another The latest was in 2006 when the government of Thaksin Shinawatra was overthrown in a coup while he was out of the country Thaksin had introduced

a range of policies to alleviate rural poverty that helped reduce poverty by half in four years

He launched the country's first universal healthcare program He was a wildly popular leader, but the Thaksin government faced allegations of corruption, authoritarianism, treason,

conflicts of interest, acting non-diplomatically and muzzling of the press.Thaksin was accused

of tax evasion, lèse majesté (insulting the King) and selling assets of Thai companies to

international investors Thaksin had become ridiculously wealthy while Prime Minister, to say the least He sold his telecommunication business, tax free, for $2 billion while in office

The Thailand Supreme Court found Thaksin guilty of a conflict of interest and sentenced him

in absentia to two years imprisonment Thaksin is on the run in exile, but he’s angling to get back in He bankrolls the United Front for Democracy against Dictatorship also known as the

"Red Shirts" This is a powerful political group with their base in rural Northern Thailand The Northern rural majority of Thais still love Thaksin They love him so much, they recently elected Thaksin’s sister, Yingluck, Prime Minister I don’t think she has a clue with little political experience The victory of the Puea Thai party, led by Yingluck over the Democrat Party in the 2011 general election will not end the power struggle that has destabilized

Thailand for the past five years It is only a matter of time before conflict develops between the government and the royalist establishment, particularly if Yingluck seeks to pardon her elder brother The political situation in Thailand is in flux It will always be in flux Between the beloved aged King, Thaksin, the Army and the Police, it’s an ongoing soap opera The political future of Thailand is a question mark

Thai politics get heated The occupation of Bangkok by thousands of Redshirts went on for months last year, 87 people were killed and thousands injured before the military finally

broke it up In the past they’ve done things like close the airport at the height of the tourist season If anything is going to happen, it will happen in Bangkok, 500 miles from Phuket You don’t see any political activism in Phuket Phuket is farangland

The fact is that corruption and abuse of power have taken deep root in every aspect of Thai society I assume every cop and politician in Thailand is corrupt A job as a policeman is a very desirable position in Thailand It’s not the meager salary that makes it so; it’s the

potential bribe income You can bribe your way out of almost everything here It doesn’t really affect the expats life often enough, that it’s a problem It’s just the way of life here, remember TIT? You’d be hard pressed to get anything done without paying off someone Let

me rephrase that last sentence, you can’t get ANYTHING done Somehow the place gets governed You get used to illogical and just plain dumb decision making and know the reason why; somebody is making money

Recently a police sergeant was robbed of a million baht ($30,000) while on the way to the bank Why does a police sergeant who makes $500 a month have $30,000 on him? You don’t really expect an explanation for these kinds of things (TIT), but everyone knows why

Take for example the public transportation system in Phuket There isn’t one There is in other cities The reason there isn’t one is the tuk-tuk mafia Tuk-tuks are miniature busses that hold six people They’re all over the island There should be a public bus system, but because they’re making too much money ripping off tourists and paying off the right people, there will be never be a public transportation system in Phuket Phuket would like to have a public transportation system, but they can’t get a company to take a public transportation contract because the tuk-tuk mafia would murder the drivers of any bus company foolish enough to take a contract Life is cheap in Thailand You can get someone murdered for $300.Tuk-tuk drivers are infamous with a terrible reputation A month doesn’t go by that you don’t hear some horror story about a group of drivers beating up a customer in a fare dispute The stories go worldwide and give Phuket a bad name, but nothing gets done about it Jet skis are the other Phuket black eye The scam is you rent a jet ski and when you return it you have to pay hundreds of dollars for the damage you supposedly caused

Often you see things that just don’t make any sense You’re forever shaking your head in wonderment A day doesn’t go by that you don’t say to yourself…why? Why can’t they fix the drainage system so the same roads don’t flood every time it rains? Why do the roads have to

be repaved every two years? How can they build a new resort on the beach adding to the environmental disaster? Then one day, you just know You’re enlightened You finally

understand, grasshopper, TIT

Chapter 5 - Buddha and Phi (Pee)

Thailand is 95% Buddhist and the rest are Muslims There are more Muslims in South Thailand Kamala Beach, where I live, is a mostly Muslim village I love Muslims They’re sober

There is often random violence in the southern border areas by militant Muslims bent on a separatist movement They want to be part of Malaysia Malaysia doesn’t want any part of them It’s been going on for a long time and living here in Phuket, we’re untouched by it Conflict between Buddhists and Muslims is nonexistent throughout the rest of Thailand

Buddhism is not an evangelistic religion, so there is no pressure to convert people It is more

a belief system based around improving yourself rather than trying to change other people The Buddha is not worshipped as a god Buddhism does not involve belief in a supreme being and this is why many classify it as an atheist belief system The purpose of kneeling in front of the Buddha in Thailand temples is to remind people of the Buddha's teachings and to show respect for their teacher

Buddhism originated in India over two and a half thousand years ago As it moved to different countries it took on slightly different forms The branches of Buddhism tend to be more about differences in emphasis rather than differences in belief and it never leads to conflict It would be very difficult to describe Thai Buddhism succinctly Theravada Buddhism is the flavor here Many scholars argue that the actual religion of most Thai people is not Theravada Buddhism, but "ghost" worship Thais believe in ghosts or what they call phi Before there was any mention of the Buddha in Thailand, there was phi

There are many types of phi, some only are popular in certain regions Some of the phi that are part of most Thai communities include: 1) Phi Am which causes pain to internal organs; 2) Phi Krasi which likes to eat entrails and is associated with dirty floors and the night; 3) Phi Ka which possess women and can be warded off with the gifts of eggs; 4) Phi Phrai who are the spirits of women who have died in childbirth and who enchant men; 5) Phi Pop which are extremely violent female ghosts which devour men and haunt whole villages; 6) Phi Tai Ha which spreads malaria; and 7) Phi Nangtani which is benevolent and feeds monks One

surprising thing is that most Thai ghosts are female

When a Thai baby is born and people come to see the new little darling, they will invariably remark, “Ugly baby” They do this because if phi hears that there is a new beautiful baby,

they will possess the child The Thais are a very superstitious lot All this phi craziness can be very trying for the logical western man (farang) Simply accept it and don’t waste your breath trying to talk a Thai out of their belief in ghosts It’s like trying to talk a born again Christian out of Jesus.

This year a rumor started that there was going to be another Tsunami on a certain day and it spread like wildfire Everybody had heard the rumor I explained to my girlfriend that it’s impossible to predict a Tsunami You have to be able to predict an earthquake for one thing and no one has ever done that I pointed out that a Tsunami like the one in 2004 happens maybe, once every hundred years Thais left Phuket in droves, leaving many businesses

shorthanded for staff Throw logic out the window when you arrive here They’re a

superstitious lot

I’ve attended many Buddhist services There are many similarities with a Christian service, all very ritualistic Shaven headed monks draped in orange sarongs lead the service People worshipping together is a heartening experience For the farang boring? Thai chanting gets that way after a while I go because my girl wants me to go She’ll cook food, buy some drinks

or other small gifts and place them on a tray and present them as an offering during the service The crowd is mostly women There is young and old, but it seems to be a middle aged crowd Everyone is kneeling on mats, I’m sitting in a chair off to the side with basketball knees My girlfriend is so beautiful as she prays to Buddha I take in the vibrant colors and the humanity I discreetly take out my phone and check football scores

Buddhism is about self-improvement Buddhism doesn’t worship a god I can hang with

Buddhism

If you’re of a spiritual bent, Buddhism offers fascinating possibilities for self-awareness Buddhists should understand the difference between reality and self-delusion One should understand the nature of cause and effect, how actions now will have implications not only in the short term, but in the long term One should understand that desire and attachment create weakness Finally, one should practice respect for others if one hopes to gain others' respect Despite being agnostic, I have great respect for the teachings of Buddha He once said, “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said

it, unless it agrees with your own reason.” You’re not going to hear that kind of thing coming

from another religion, certainly not Christianity Google “Buddha quotes” and you’ll find a treasure trove of inspirational thoughts

Rebirth (reincarnation) has always been an important tenet in Buddhism Thais think of death differently than Western people The sea that surges, falls, and resurges, is the life that is born, dies, and is reborn again

No heaven, no hell Imagine.

The temperament of the people and the culture of Thailand are wrapped together through Buddhism “Buddha will provide” is instilled in the psyche of the people Thais live their lives differently because of Buddhism It makes Thailand a very different and special place

We can debate whether it’s better, but it’s certainly different

Chapter 6 - The Thailand Retirement Budget

There isn’t one budget for expats Individual choice is the determining factor, but let’s looks

at the costs of the major expenditures in everyone’s budget, housing, food, utilities,

transportation, medical, entertainment and miscellaneous expenses Phuket, where I live, and Bangkok are the most expensive areas to live in Thailand Every expense across the board

is probably 20% higher than living in Northern Thailand These are estimates of budget costs in Phuket

Housing

Let’s assume you’re renting Non-Thais can’t own land here, so most expats rent You don’t want to arrive in Thailand during high season (November-April) and try and find a place to rent in Phuket The same housing could be twice as much during high season with few

choices After high season is over is the best time for house hunting One year leases with one month damage deposit are customary Try and get recommendations for honest landlords Getting a deposit back after the lease can be difficult with no easy legal way to press for repayment

I pay $800 a month to rent a three bedroom furnished place in a beautiful condominium project There are three pools and a manned security gate Gardeners keep the grounds immaculate It’s five minutes from the beach by motorbike The place can get crowded

during high season when all the units are occupied, but during most of the year, it’s very peaceful.

You can rent a spacious villa with a sea view for $1500 a month and up You can live like a millionaire for $2000 a month with a big house and pool A one bedroom house will start in the $350 range To get a nice one bedroom house you’re probably looking in the $500 range

It depends on what area you want to live If you want to live close to the beach, these are the kind of prices you can expect for houses

If you’re single, don’t cook and only need a room, prices start in the $250 a month range I know many people who live comfortably, just renting a room They eat at inexpensive food stalls and don’t want anything bigger Lifestyle and pocketbook decisions are the determining factor here

Food

Food in Thailand is delicious and inexpensive, if you eat Thai food My favorite food at a little Thai restaurant is duck curry over rice, $1.60 Noodle soup with chicken is $1 If I go down to the pub and have a burger with fries it’s $4.50 A pizza is $7.50 If you’re eating Thai food at the average restaurant, you’re paying half the cost of farang food It isn’t hard to find

western food, but it’s generally not as good as what you would expect to receive at home Anything that’s imported is significantly higher I’ve found adequate Italian restaurants Local beef isn’t very good If you want a good steak you buy imported beef and it’s expensive I don’t eat that much beef anymore

I eat mostly Thai food prepared at home I go to the open air markets a couple times a week This would be similar to a farmers market with different stalls for meat, fish, vegetables and fruit There are also supermarkets just like in the West You can also buy in bulk at stores similar to Costco Many of the fruits and vegetables I’d never seen before I came here All the staples are available, but the quality that I see at home isn’t there I really miss heirloom tomatoes, for example Tomatoes are tasteless I’ve never had sweet corn here Bread leaves

a lot to be desired Thais don’t eat much bread You can get a loaf of bread anywhere, but you have to find a farang bakery to get good bread I have to search for peanut butter A can

of pork and beans is 20% higher Cheese is a sad story Wine is a sadder story

Utilities

I pay about $15 a month for electricity The biggest expense on utilities comes from air

conditioning I rarely use it My place is up in the hills and it gets a nice breeze and I don’t need it Everyone uses fans If I had the air conditioner on all the time I wouldn’t be surprised

if the bill was $125 a month Thailand is warm and humid and downright hot May-June I’ve just gotten used to it Some homes need to be air conditioned It depends upon location and personal preferences My water bill is $7 a month Internet runs around $25 a month Many places will include it in the rent I buy the cheapest cable TV connection because I don’t watch much TV, but my girl does We get all the Thai channels and a couple of English

channels for $10 a month The most expensive cable options that include HBO, Sports and movie channels is $55 a month.

I watch movies and American TV shows by downloading torrents and connecting the computer

to the HDMI port My big expense is the online NFL football feed I buy every year for about

$300 This is the same as getting the NFL ticket from Dish network Sometimes the Internet is slow and it can be frustrating, but I need the NFL Other American sports have similar

arrangements The Sunday NFL games start at 1 AM Monday here

Fuel and Transportation

A new Honda Click motorbike is $1700 You can pick up a used one for half that amount The Click is probably the most popular bike here It has an automatic transmission and is perfect for around town use Everyone I know drives a motorbike They get about 100 mpg

Maintenance and repair are negligible I don’t put on a lot of miles so I spend less than $20 a month on gas

Last year I bought the least expensive new car I could find, a Mazda 2 I got sick of driving the motorbike in the rain and wanted the flexibility that owning a car offers You definitely don’t need to own a car Less than half of my friends own cars I bought new because used cars in Thailand fetch unusually high prices A used car you could buy in the US for $1000, goes for

$6000 here Cars that are manufactured here are far less than those that have to be

imported Thailand is the car making capital of Asia It makes economic sense to buy new unless you can find an unusually good deal

Pickup trucks get a big tax break and are good value A four door crew cab truck is half the price of an SUV Diesel fuel is subsidized by the Thai government making it 25% less than gasoline A four cylinder turbo charged diesel pickup truck will be as economical as small gas engine car and they are similarly priced Deals on new vehicles are unheard of You pay the list price at the dealer Insurance on a newer vehicles run about $500 a year Maintenance and repair costs are far less than the US

Entertainment

Phuket has become a family destination, but the adult entertainment business remains the big attraction Massage is available everywhere A one hour massage runs $10 The naughty boy version with a “happy ending” might run $30 Walking around Patong you probably get asked if you want a massage every 5 minutes Between getting asked if you want a massage, tuk-tuk drivers asking if you want a ride or a tailor wanting to make you a suit of clothes, it gets tedious after a while I’ve developed the 500 mile stare Ignore everyone trying to sell you something It usually works Mi ow krap (no thank you or I don’t want) is the polite way of getting rid of them I gave up saying no thank you, a long time ago

Shopping can be fun at the many small stalls A Rolex copy runs $45 along with every other expensive brand name in watches Ray Bans are $3 Knock off copies of brand name clothes like Lacoste, Polo and Armani are everywhere Ask how much the price is, cut that in half and

walk away if you can’t get the seller to come down It’s a game It helps to know how much

to pay A t-shirt shouldn’t cost more than $6 Clothes are cheap

Movie theatres have ticket prices similar to the US New movies make it here within the month There are golf courses all over Thailand Some very nice ones in Phuket, but a round

of golf is about the same as the US Expect to have a female caddy who knows her stuff There is cart racing, fishing, lawn bowling, surfing, snorkeling, mountain biking, bungee jumping and shooting ranges I can’t think of any entertainment that you can’t find here and it’s usually cheap There are countless outdoor recreational activities and in a safe

environment

Medical

Other countries than the US have public and usually free medical programs Most of my

friends are Australians or British If they get seriously sick, they fly home Americans don’t have that luxury; they should buy medical insurance here A good medical insurance policy will cost about $1500 for a year This will cover any hospital stay Any outpatient doctor visits you’ll pay for A doctor’s visit will cost about $25 That was my deductible on my $500 a month health insurance policy in the US

The most important difference in US vs Thailand on medical is the role of the pharmacist Drugs are available over the counter in Thailand The pharmacist plays an important role here

by diagnosing common ailments and prescribing medication This eliminates half the trips to the doctor Many of the drugs are generic and inexpensive A prescription for amoxicillin is

$4 Pain medication is controlled and you’re probably going to have to go to a hospital and see a doctor to get it, but codeine is available over the counter

There is a range of quality on the hospitals in Thailand Private hospitals and the doctors are generally very good Expect a semi private room and nursing care like the US If you’re in a public hospital after an accident, you’ll end up in an open public ward with the locals Family members will be sleeping beside the patient and taking care of them It looks pretty chaotic

to me but the healthcare is acceptable, if that’s the way you have to go It is cheap

compared to hospital costs in the US People often come here for cosmetic surgery and

combine it with a vacation

Summarizing budget costs, no one’s budget is going to be the same because of individual lifestyles

Low Budget - $1000 a month

This would be living in a room or a sharing a small apartment ($300) Eating mostly street cart food or in low cost Thai restaurants ($100), no insurance, internet connection and utilities ($35), gas for a motorbike ($15), miscellaneous expenses ($100) That’s $550 before the all-important entertainment expense Depending upon how much you drink and how many

girlfriends you have that puts you well under $1000 a month Many live the low budget life

style here Teaching English is probably the most popular job for farangs in Thailand It pays about $1000 a month.

Medium Budget - $1700 a month

Someone on a medium budget is living in a two bedroom house ($500) Eats at a restaurant a couple times a week, but prepares food at home This retiree pays medical insurance ($125), utilities ($50) and gas for a motorbike ($20) This guy has a girlfriend He doesn’t want her to work so he gives her $400 a month A Thai girl is going to keep house and make meals With a trip to the pub a couple of times a week and the increase in food expense, you could expect your budget to be in the $1700 a month range

High Budget - $2500 a month

This is a budget for someone who lives at a luxury condo with a pool or rents a larger house ($1000 a month) He has a car and motorbike with all those expenses This would be all the expenses of the medium budget with a more expensive house and a car This is a very

comfortable life style and similar to what you might expect in the US for three times this amount

The optional expenses would have to include entertainment That would range from the occasional happy hour beer to a different girl every night It’s important to get out of town sometimes and see the world There is so much to see in Thailand and the surrounding

countries of Southeast Asia You should get out and see the world Airfares are cheap and airlines often offer deals Phuket is a regional hub and you can get to most major Asian cities with direct flights I try and avoid making connections through Bangkok Buses and trains are also available for less A bus between Phuket and Bangkok is $15 Hotels are inexpensive throughout Thailand with nice rooms available from $20 a night in the low season, $30 a night for four star hotels Backpacker accommodations can be had from for $10 Travel is

inexpensive here, especially during the low season, May through October

Chapter 7 - The Thailand Retirement Visa

You’ve decided that the Thailand retirement setting of a warm climate, low cost of living, pristine beaches, scenery and more than enough opportunity to find that special someone, is for you To stay here you’re going to need a visa If you’re under 50, don’t have the cash for the deposit requirement of the retirement visa, you’ll have to leave the country every 90 days Every time you leave Thailand and come back the clock starts again It’s a pain in the neck The fine for over-staying your Visa is $30 a day and capped at $650 There is a whole industry that surrounds the 90 day visa renewal process You take a day long van ride across a border to get a visa stamp It’s no fun It doesn’t seem very tourist friendly does it? This is Thailand.

You could make the visa run requirement an opportunity to travel How about a trip to the beaches of Bali for a few days? Tour the famous Angkor Wat in Cambodia, the largest temple complex in the world, built in the 12th century Vietnam is two hours away The Philippines is three The Taj Mahal is four See the world!

In order to get a retirement visa in Thailand you have to prove you have $2200 a month of income or deposit 800,000 baht ($27,000) in a Thai bank account That seems like a lot, but it’s the average of what it takes to live well here The Thais don’t want a lot of poor people coming here to stay They have enough of those Because of a special relationship between the US and Thailand, Americans only have to declare they have that amount of income

available and have that declaration certified by the American embassy Rather than prove you have that amount of money, you merely state that to an American embassy representative and they’ll give you a certified form you bring to the Thai Visa office to apply for one year retirement visa The retirement Visa has to be renewed every year and costs about $60

If you wish to leave the country anytime during the next year, make sure you get an entry permit after you have received your “Retirement” stamp – otherwise you will have to leave and start the process all over again from square one You can buy a single reentry permit for

$30 or a multiple (unlimited) entry for $100

To start the Thailand retirement visa process, you need a standard 90 day non-immigrant visa Ideally, it should be acquired prior to your arrival, in your home country Once you are

in Thailand, you can apply for the retirement or “O” Visa You’ll need the following:

- 50 years old of age or older

- A passport with at least one year remaining until expiration

- Proof of meeting the financial requirement

- A non-Immigrant visa

- A departure card (you get when you enter the country)

- Three headshot photos (get extra, they’re required for lots of things)

The retirement visa allows you to stay in Thailand for one year You are not allowed to have employment with this type of visa Also, you have to report your current address to

Immigration every 90 days

The whole Thailand visa process is time consuming and convoluted It is anything but user friendly Depending on the mood of the immigration workers, the process can become very complicated I’ve stuck $30 in the paperwork when handing over the paperwork, just to grease the wheels It’s always good to bring a Thai friend (read girlfriend) along to help with the forms and translation The Phuket Immigration office is always chaotic I’ve heard the officials at other Immigration offices are actually helpful! Remember that most government offices close for lunch They will stop accepting applications at 11:30 Don’t go on a Monday and dress neatly Good luck

Mai Chob and the 90 Day Reporting Requirement (Authors note: Mai Chob is Australian

expat He refers to his Thai girlfriend as NE or Neung.)

Somebody mentioned it was the 9th, and I thought, "Oh no, I’ve missed my 90 day report due

on the 6th!" I’m on a Retirement Visa, which allows me to stay in Thailand 365 days a year straight, but I must report to an Immigration Office every 90 days Failure to do so on time incurs a 500 baht a day fine I am a bit challenged when it comes to remembering dates, I must admit, but I offer up the excuse that this is the Year 2555 in Thailand and that doesn’t help me at all.

Thai girlfriends are generally not that happy to deal with officials, as it usually costs them money and they don’t enjoy having to make excuses for dumb farangs I think to date I’ve have paid $30, $90 and $45 in fines, respectively I broke the news to NE "Again?" she said Then she scowled, “Why, why errytime you loom laow (forget already), huh? Are you ting tong (crazy) or stoopid man (a rhetorical question, I guess)? I arks to you, “Khun Dee, put paper (a reminder) on the glass (mirror) so I can see for you AN' I tell put in diary Are you listen? No, no and mai (not)!"

I always feel much worse telling NE about this issue than I do the Immigration officer for some reason I said, "Yesss " and tried not to laugh.

"Where? Where is passport you?" I handed her my Passport She studied it with concentration, went to say something, then looked at it again "FUCKING IDIOT!!! What month is now, huh?" she almost yelled.

"Geez, no need to get so loud, Nueng It’s um it’s October yes, it’s October."

"Then why paper here say come back September? Huh? Is now September, huh?"

I grabbed the passport "Report no later than September 6," it said Sigh I took to the

shower, but I could hear her mumbling and stomping around getting ready On the way to the Immigration office, NE was a bit kinder I had showered, smelled nice and wore a crisply ironed collared shirt It’s therapeutic for a Thai Lady to see her man have a shower.

"I sapeak to man, nah? You nee-ap (quiet), nah? We lucky he Sichon man, speak same-same

my country (she means he’s from South Thailand with the same dialect) Last time we go and late again, he say nothing bad to us, but make that other Australian man before us go

Phuket Town to pay 1,500 If he 3 day late and pay 1,500 that mean you muss pay um, how much you muss pay Khun Dee?

"I don’t know, Nueng,” I lied, "I’m driving."

She’s thinking "That mean (puzzled); that mean you are pay 15,000 BAHT! I CANNOT

FUCKING BELIEVE! IS MORE THAN ONE MONTH RENT!"

"I thought you were gonna speak nice, Nueng."

"BEFORE IM NOT KNOW HOW MUCH, TING TONG AH OK, ok shees." Silence.

I go in the place wai-ing (bowing), a “high wai” with hands near my forehead NE grins like a happy young girl She hands over my passport and new house lease and tries to focus

attention on the latter We are in luck by the look of it The old bastard smiles broadly at

NE and says how are you to her, but of course, ignores me Maybe he’s got a new gik (bed mate) here NE and him exchange pleasantries in the guttural vowel sounds of Thailand’s South East Coast and “krob krua” (families) are mentioned He looks puzzled as he flicks through my passport and spends some time counting dates on his fingers

"The dates are not correct," he grunts in Thai.

NE says something along the lines that we moved house and the passport was packed away Her farang (me) didn’t realize that he was overdue, and that we also need to register our new Kamala address and we are really sorry (Ironically, this is the very same excuse my old girlfriend had used for me 2 years ago when I moved TO Patong, on the same official

Fortunately, we farangs all look alike.)

He then gets sidetracked with the Visa Extension stamp being from Chiang Mai, and looks at

me, "You live Chiang Mai?" I say that we were there on holidays there on last Visa Extension date and NE finishes off the story He looks again through the passport again, sorta shrugs, and starts filling in the forms.

We wait for the fine, and costs He says, "Here, not be late again!" and gives back the

passport.

"Kup pom" I say, and wai He hands back everything else

I get out 100 baht as NE says, "Photocopy money from Khun Dee (Mr Dean)."

Outside, I am elated NE says, "You should give 500 for him He show good heart and not make you ploblem." I give her 500 and NE says, "You not hab 400? You gib 100 already."

I say, "Neung, give the man 500 more, say husband you, says thank you and I give for him to buy good lunch."

NE did so She comes back out and says, "Him talk the phone and say 'No, no, it’s ok,” but I leave him on table He happy.

"I exclaim, "So am I Nueng, so am I!"

Back at home all’s well and NE isn’t speaking bad anymore BUT, I take a large piece of paper and write, "REPORT DEC 6" and stick it on her mirror.

Later, NE says, "Khun Dee, wass is a DEC?"

Chapter 8 - The Game

This could be a book just about the game The game is the adult entertainment industry It’s certainly the most popular expat topic of conversation among the men I’ll just try to write briefly on the subject The typical expat is a single man Social life revolves around the bar scene It’s where we go to meet friends, hoist a few and maybe find some companionship Every bar has its bar girls; they serve drinks and will be happy to spend time talking with you

Buy them a drink and chat her up…instant companionship They’re in the game Girls make money having customers buy them drinks The price of the drink is split between the bar and the girl

You may decide to take the girl home, if she agrees You’ll need to pay a bar fine of $15 to the bar and then pay the girl between $30 and $60 ($45 average) for an intimate frolic The amount may vary with the girl and whether it will be for a short time (a couple of hours) or long time (for the night)

This is part of life in LOS It’s meant to spice up your life, not be the center of it Some of the girls are sweet and looking for a life partner and some are black hearted thieves Some of the most beautiful ones aren’t even woman, but ladyboys (or katoys, as they are known in Thai) Many of them do end up as expat wives or in long term relationships I don’t ask couples how they met, anymore Unfortunately, the stories are all to frequent of men losing everything to one of these girls If you’re going to walk the bargirl plank, I want the reader’s eyes wide open

Most cities have their bar/adult entertainment scene The big three are Bangkok, Pattaya and Patong If you can’t get lucky in these places, you’re doing something wrong Besides the bars, there are go-go’s and discos The Go-go’s are bars that have the girls dancing up on stage, often naked There are laws against it Often, you’ll see the girls suddenly cover up because the men in brown have walked in For the most part, nudity is overlooked Walk in, see a girl dancing up on stage, fall in love and take her home You just don’t get that

opportunity back in the West Go-go girls are usually the cream of the crop The bar fine and what the girl receives can double The discos are where you’ll find the “freelancers” These are girls who don’t work at a bar, but are still in the game It’s interesting going to a disco and having your choice of any of the hundreds of girls in the place For a new tourist the choices are overwhelming, all these beautiful girls! It’s like a kid in a candy shop

Many of the girls are newly arrived in town and don’t speak English They learn a few phrases

“What’s your name? Where you from? Where you stay?” and they’re off and running Often the girls get off work from the bars and head to the discos Things really liven up after 2 AM and you don’t pay a bar fine at a disco, but there are drawbacks If you have a problem with

a girl that you barfined, you can go back to the bar and straighten things out Taking a

freelancer home, you’re on your own Many a tourist has woken to find a wallet or camera gone.

Massage shops are everywhere It’s the national sport Some of these places specialize in a legitimate massage In the entertainment area, most of them specialize in a rub and a tug.Thailand is a poor country and the farangs are rich Girls often come to farangland looking for

a husband Some are here out of economic necessity

New Zealand Phil’s take on the game: Most of these girls become bargirls because they

want more money, not because they cannot live back in the village on what they can earn, because millions of girls do, but because having more money and better things in life is what they want In knowing perhaps 100 bargirls working here, I only know two who have had to work because they are absolutely destitute or had lost the farm because of debts.

The average job in Thailand pays about 10,000 baht a month ($300) Consider the life of a factory worker in Thailand She works six days a week, 12 hours a day If needed, she’s

required to work that seventh day and she’s paid overtime That’s between 72 hours and 84 hours a week for under $400 a month Is it any wonder that it’s a dream of so many girls to find a rich farang to take care of her? I think some of the girls arrive here not knowing they’re getting into the sex industry Girls who were working 12 hours for $10 a day are now drinking, playing bar games and chatting up farangs who will take them back to their hotel room for

$50 They do that 20 times a month they make $1000 a month That’s an unheard amount for

a poor Thai girl That’s as much as a Thai Doctor makes!

Phil continues: Becoming a bar girl is not seen as something which is totally wrong, but is

seen as acceptable if indeed it brings money back to the family In addition, because of the lax moral attitudes of Thai society families in the villages turn a blind eye to the occupation

of these girls when they return home Money rules in Thailand.

A few girls return home rich or maybe even with a farang who builds them a house and gives them a car The poor farm girl is now the wealthiest person in the village This encourages other girls to give the bar scene a try Many of these girls return broke and mentally

damaged Thais are historically poor at money management Savings consist of stashing gold somewhere in the house Thai people don’t admire prostitutes, but are generally willing to overlook those involved so long as things are done with discretion Prostitution in Thailand, while widespread, only employs a tiny percentage of Thai women This is a conservative society, but sexual mores are much different than the West

It's no secret that many Western guys marry Thai women who were once employed as bargirls

or the term we don't like to use, prostitutes Sometimes it works, more often than not, it doesn’t We can call them bargirls, but whatever we call them, it’s always going to be about the money

"You can take the girl out of the bar, but you can't take the bar out of the girl,” is a saying

known by most men who have spent time in bars A lot of Western men become smitten with

a bargirl With these women being so easy to meet, sweet and willing to treat a man well, these men fall for them and a relationship develops Would you have a relationship with a prostitute in your country? BG's are professional liars and can convince anyone Ideally a bargirl is looking for sponsorship; men who will send them money regularly to maintain a relationship This is insane and men are stupid, but a new potential victim arrives every day.Plenty of bargirls do have a heart and there are many honest girls out there The vast

majority of Thai women work outside the nightlife industry would be aghast at the thought of being involved in it or going to bed with a man for money

In my opinion, stay away from a relationship with someone in the game You can have a favorite bargirl, buy them all drinks! They’re usually a lot of fun to talk and joke with, but

think long and hard about moving one in There is a saying here, “You don’t pay them to come home with you, you pay them to leave.” How often have I heard also heard, “She’s

different?” Take the advice of an old hand at the game, of a man who still licks the deep wounds: SHE’S NOT DIFFERENT

Phil’s thoughts on fishing:

This has nothing to do with fishing Fishing describes techniques used many Thai ladies on farangs What’s the catch…you and your money?

The term fishing is so well known by ladies in the entertainment industry that guys I know are convinced there is a college somewhere near Bangkok which teaches the finer points of the art They are so well-known and so universally practised, that they are convinced these things can’t just be coincidence! This is knowledge passed down through the sisterhood When describing this art form to me, three different ladies, unknown to one another, have used the same hand motions and description; moving their hands and arms as if they had a fishing rod and casting out into the water, then slowly winding back in, stopping every few moments and slowly winding again They take quite a long time to pull their catch in and occasionally just letting it play for a while in order to let the fish think that it has its

freedom, when in fact it is well and truly hooked You are the catch.

Here are some well-tried and trusted moves in this art form:

1) Playing hard to get.

Just enough attention will be paid to the farang to get his interest, seemingly moving on to serve other customers, yet the occasional touch on the arm or back will ensure that she keeps in touch with the farang she is playing She keeps him interested, but also wants to be seen as keeping her distance As the night wears on, she’ll land her catch This is a short- term catch methodology and used in conjunction with step 2.

2) The practice of not asking for any money on the first few dates.

This leads the farang into thinking that he really has made an impression on the lady and that she really likes him, rather than the money I cringe when I hear farangs exclaiming that this lady is not a typical entertainment worker, but something special because she didn't ask for money, “She’s different”.

Believe me there will be a time when money comes into the equation, but by then the farang will be hooked.

3) The kind heart.

This is where the Thai girl will occasionally stop and put some money into the cup of a beggar The farang thinks he’s found a very special lady because she has a good heart.

4) Helping friends in need.

One of the most common activities is she whispers that one of her friends in the bar is very short of money and that she would like you to help her out, so if you could buy her a few drinks, then everyone would think you have a “Jai Dee mak mak” (a very good heart) and it would show everybody how good you are This has nothing to do with helping friends It’s all about gaining your admiration.

5) Only been here a short time.

This is designed to let the unsuspecting farang believe that the girl has only been in the business a short time and really hasn’t become "tainted" by the night-time activities

Perhaps the most outlandish example of this was when I was sitting in a bar with a couple of friends and the girl on the next table was looking intently into the eyes of a farang (the catch) He was smitten by the looks of things and I remember that old familiar question spouting from his lips, "How long have you been working here?" The girl responded, "Three months" I nearly choked on my beer I had seen her working there for three years and

another place for another year That’s the standard answer for anyone in the game, “Three months”.

6) Going home to look after mama

Yes, the girls often do go home to look after mama for one reason or another The other reason may be is they’re off is to meet up with their boyfriend who is heading in from overseas She doesn’t want her current farang catch to meet up with her boyfriend The boyfriend flying in doesn’t suspect she has another farang or two on the go He’s kept apart from those guys, spending time in the village or visiting other parts of the country One bar owner I know had a very attractive girl who had five different "boyfriends/sponsors" who would come to see her from time to time We marvelled at how she managed to keep them all apart with visits home, seeing friends and relatives, or just sightseeing somewhere else, always meeting them at various locations Skilled fishing is an art form.

Of course the individual farangs all think that the girl has a kind heart and has gone home to take care of somebody, so she is special and caring They have no idea that she’s playing a number of other boyfriends They’re all hooked and landed.

All of the above are designed to catch and keep the unsuspecting farang into providing her with money It’s a lifestyle that’s handed on from one girl to another Beware of Thai girls fishing, as that catch…may well be you.

Chapter 9 - She Done Me Wrong Stories

Consistently starry-eyed farangs are advised not to marry local prostitutes, working as bar girls, who certainly don’t reciprocate their affection The Thai prostitutes are anything but sweet young things, their smiles covering a hard-as-nails nature They didn’t choose their profession out of necessity, as they could easily find work around their village or town The vast majority of poverty-stricken girls in the provinces refuses to regard prostitution as an option and will not work in bars Those entering the profession do so because they have the

requisite callousness and a strong desire to earn money and visiting farangs are seen as easy prey Feelings and emotions, other than the love of money, do not play a part in what bar girls offer and many a farang has been left heartbroken and penniless after a “romantic” encounter in Thailand.

Getting involved with a bargirl, in a serious relationship, is a risky move Be warned, this is a given The man will listen to her pitiful hard luck story and wants to be the knight in shining armor, her savior He dreams that at last he has discovered a true soul mate and the love of his life Believing a dream, he decides to invest in her for a future of love and happiness It’s too easy to forget his girlfriend is a sex worker that he once paid a nightly fee for and now he pays her a monthly allowance While she may be exclusive to him, he’s still paying The bottom line with bargirls has always been very simple; pay them and they will say what you want and do what you want Stop paying them and they will move on to the next customer They're in business and anyone in business is happy to provide a service when paid for it, but it’s over when the pay stops Paying a woman to be your girlfriend isn’t normal Stop paying and she stops playing

Chatting with friends or checking out the many Thai chat boards and you’ll hear a never ending stream of bargirl-done-me-wrong stories Prostitutes are the one type of woman where both parties know the rules from the start Don't try and change the rules A relationship that has any chance of surviving isn’t built on saving a girl It’s built on love and respect To a girl

in the game, you’re just another guy in a long line of guys She has long forgotten what a real relationship is about

Farangs are easily manipulated and being led by their hormones, lose their minds God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time A farang arrives and finds a beautiful woman, half his age, who falls all over him Many of these guys couldn’t get a date in their own countries, if their lives depended upon it We’re all “handsome man” here, a handsome man with a thick wallet

She says she loves him; she can’t live without him The farang brain mixes up love and sex He’s getting something so good, he wants it to last forever When he has to return to his country, he wants her out of the business, waiting for him to return He commits to sending her money monthly The rub is that she may have half a dozen guys sending her money while she’s still out there scoring nightly The longer a girl stays in the game the better she gets at

it She may have once had a goal of finding a boyfriend or husband The goal is now money Many Thai girls play the game hard, way, way harder than what most farangs can imagine A Thai girl once told me, a lie is not a lie, if it is told in English

In a relationship, it’s over when the trust has gone Try and remember that

The Walk Away Rules

If she doesn’t make you feel good…walk away

If the relationship isn’t working, don’t try and work it out…walk away

If she has a number of problems…walk away

If she has problems that can only be solved by money…walk away

If she has a sudden emergency and needs money…walk away

If she needs money for a business…walk away

If she threatens you…walk away

If she threatens herself…walk away

If you catch her in a lie…walk away

If it doesn’t feel right, don’t second guess your instincts…walk away

(I’ll throw in one more here)

If she may be a ladyboy, then she is…walk away

The following are some stories I’ve pulled from various forums See if you can spot where these relationships came off the rails:

#1 Okay, you’re crazy.

Spoke to my Thai girlfriend yesterday and she was crying when I rang She had just had an argument with her mother When I left LOS in January, she briefly went back to work in a go-go with her sister and I said I didn’t care, as I didn’t want her to think I cared too much After 2 weeks I got jealous and told her to give it up, which to her credit, she did returning

to her home Everything was good until a few weeks ago when her Mother told her to leave the house, as she wanted her to work I thought this was a bit strange as family is number one in LOS, but she went to live with friends and asked me for money I refused to send her any She said that her Mother has no time for her unless she has money and I thought that was so sad It really upset me.

I had planned to meet her parents on my upcoming trip, but now it’s not going to happen I sent her £50 today to keep her going till I get there in 12 days I think I’ve opened a can of worms I appreciate that it’s a different culture and pressure is put on the women to earn and also no shame is put on prostitutes, but when you experience this first hand it is very disturbing She is reluctant to work in a normal job as she does not want to earn a pittance, but I’ve told her that if she shows she’s willing to work and get a job, I can send her maybe

£100 a month I just don’t want her to think she can live off me Call me crazy but if all goes well on my forthcoming trip with her I’m seriously thinking about going back at Christmas and getting her a visa to get her to the UK Absence makes the heart grow fonder I can’t wait to see her.

#2 Pay her the money, you wouldn’t want her to lose face.

It all started last May when I met this girl (not a bar girl) who came into the bar looking for her roommate who is a bargirl I took one look at her and fell in love/lust straight up She agreed to come back to my room to give me a massage (her profession) and that's when I really fell for this girl We had sex and she accepted money for it I left for home a day later and we kept in touch with loving emails for a few months until I went back to Pattaya a few months later.

We met again immediately after my arrival and she is beautiful We had stayed together for about a week when she asked me to come home and meet the family Then, the requests for money came and a gold ring and some sort of dowry to the family to make it all sweet, so the family won’t lose face when their daughter is seen out and about in the village with a Farang I was in very much in love at this point It all started to wane when she told me the price of saving face was 150,000 baht ($4,500) I nearly fainted and then I blew my stack saying it was a rip off, but she assured me that is the going rate even though her mother was most likely going to give most of the money back because it is all show for the relatives and friends.

Apparently, they want to show everyone their daughter has made good by snaring a rich farang I coughed up for the ring, but told the money thing will have to wait, indefinitely She seems very genuine and for some reason I want to believe her She says she has her own home all paid for back in the village so, really if I decide to stay in Thailand, all I have to do

is move in A few requests came asking for money to help her set up a business I declined so then the silent treatment began I left her 10,000 baht ($300) before I left and she said it wasn’t enough Anyway, I think you have gotten the picture of what’s happening here I would love it all to be genuine but my head is telling me to drop it She is a stunner in my view I would dearly love it all to work.

#3 The thief that broke my heart.

I was with a lovely even keeled Thai girlfriend for 10 months We had many wonderful times and she met many of my friends They all loved her She is a very attractive and friendly girl I supported her through hair school for three months She started working at a hair salon and I gave her 5,000 baht ($200) a month, free rent food and trips home to visits her family After six months she quit her job and wasn’t doing anything She then cracked her collar bone in a motorbike accident Her attitude was turning to shit and she was becoming increasingly lazy One night I called her and it took me 10 minutes to get out of her what was going on.

She said that the family owed an Uncle 300K baht ($10,000) He wanted it paid back now I told her that there was no way I going to pay her family’s debts I told her I couldn't I had

my money tied up in a new business I told her I would help her and that was it A few nights later she started whining about the fact that her friend had an American boyfriend that had bought a house for the family and given them money I flipped out and kicked her out of my apartment She moved in upstairs with her friend that had come from Bangkok This other girl was bad news We were still seeing each other for the next month or so.

I had to go into hospital for a hernia operation When I came out 2 days later I found that 50,000 baht I had put aside for the operation had been stolen from my room and the

girlfriend was the only one that had been here I accuse her straight away She claimed it wasn't her and knew nothing about it She said that her friend had visited and she will go and get her from upstairs to see me I never saw her again Recently I have been getting emails from her and I respond because I do love her and I know she was under pressure from this uncle She is working at a bar in Bangkok I’ve offered her a way to redeem herself and earn some good money back here in Pattaya with me She hasn't responded, yet.

My dilemma is I have a nice new girl now who was a professional singer and very attractive She has her own house and long term she may be a winner However, I feel she is a gold digger and I have misgivings about the money side of things She always has her hand out However, I still love my ex and I can't get her out of my mind I am willing to forgive but obviously not forget She may come back She says she misses me We were good together and it could have been good if it was not for this family debt issue I am in a position to help now and I feel that I should, if she really doesn't want to work the bar She calls herself a bad girl now as she has to do this It breaks my heart.

#4 I just want her to be selective with her barfines

I’ve gotten close to a girl I keep in contact with on a regular basis, Text messages, phone calls, etc We have traveled around Thailand together and have had some really good times, and I am at the point where I am feeling close to her She, like most TG’s, is always happy and jolly and fun to be around Great attitude, carefree and she is a pleasure to hang out with No doubt, she has been a real girlfriend for me I truly like this girl We are of the same age in our 30’s and she seems like a good match She of course at some point brings up the marriage thing, asking me to sponsor her to bring her back to my country and I’m

thinking this could be the one for me.

The problem I am having is that like most of us I am in my country and she works at a bar She swears up and down she is only working at the bar serving drinks not going with

customers and this is what gets me I may be paranoid but something is telling me that this

is all bullshit and not to fall into the trap of lies and deceit She is a bargirl I feel as if I’m being taken for a ride and it all feels a little bit too fake for me I want to trust her but the alarm bells are ringing Who really can trust a bargirl? I am at the crossroads on what to do about her Of course I would love for this to work out, but I just can’t help the way I feel about her working at a bar, after all I barfined her This is such a dilemma for me I will be back in March to see her again but between now and then she probably would have slept with many customers This really makes me wonder.

I have fallen for her big time Here is why I believe she is different:

1 She has still not asked me to sponsor her She only asked if I could send a small amount of money ($100) for her birthday.

2 She has come to the bar girl life quite late in life at a time when most bar girls are

retired I don’t believe she has been heavily influenced like a young woman would be into adopting a lot of bad attitudes and habits.

3 I love her I think she is as nuts about me as I am about her In fact she has always seemed

to be nuts about me.

Given the way I feel about her now it would bring me great satisfaction if I could just make her life a bit easier So, what have I started doing? I told her I wanted to send her some money (10,000 baht/month) on a regular basis She did not ask for it and she tried to

dissuade me from sending anything saying she did not want to cause me trouble I want to help someone very special to me I told her I can easily afford this for now She could use the money however she wished, but I hoped it would allow her to not work so hard and be able to rest and relax more I know it is not enough to replace what she makes and I let her know I did not expect her to stop working I just hope this allows her to be more selective in accepting bar fines and maybe not work so hard Is she different? I strongly believe so But,

in the back of the head there is always that small spark of healthy skepticism.

#5 Do you really learn anything?

First, the divorce is signed and sealed This about the Ex and a strong life lesson learned About 2 days ago my ex-Thai wife’s boyfriend called me after I sent a little message for him not to sell his house I told him the truth and her plans for him She had planned to have him buy her a house along with the car and business he had already bought her Once she had what she wanted, she was going to get rid of him I had spent time with her and learned what she was planning when I went to Thailand for the divorce She's not very bright leaving her email open I was trying to make sure she didn't harm him and keep him from losing his house Needless to say, she wasn’t happy with me I know she’ll find some other sucker but I couldn’t just let it happen.

Here's the moving on part: I’ve recently met and been talking to a young lady She's an ex

go-go girl She is smart and speaks English well Strangely, we have huge amounts of things in common and share a mutual attraction She doesn't want money and is self-supportive She actually is very out-going and looking forward to finding a real job I’m taking it a bit

slower I’ve learned this time.

#6 The Farang that gives and keeps on giving.

I gave all of myself and took very good care of my Thai wife and her son She has a car, a house and her son goes to a good school I went back to Canada for a few months for work I was happy when I got the news that her five year permanent visa was approved I was fixing

up the house, so that when she came to Canada, she’d be more comfortable.

A few things had happened that led me to decide to conduct an investigation to see what she was up to She was seen with a 50 year old Swiss man dropping her off at home at 3:00 am and kissing intimately two weeks ago Yesterday, she was seen with a young French guy driving on the back of his motorbike and then going into his house at midnight!

Wow…I was shocked and disappointed, but the damage is minimal At least I found out

before she entered Canada and got her hands on my assets.

Life goes on I took a shot I tried to make it work and don't regret the experience I haven’t confronted her yet, but will call her and tell her that I know Of course, she will deny it I will still continue to support her, $950 a month instead of $3300 a month because, I don't want her to be left out in the cold and want her to be able to take care of her son.

What could I say? I have a soft heart and wouldn't just be able to just shit on her the way she shit on me Thanks for listening It feels good to put my story down on paper.

#7 I don’t know if I believe this one…yea, I believe it.

Anyway, this American dude starts talking about a friend of his who got chatting to another

US expat in Bangkok last year Before long they are talking about their Thai wives and the fact that they were from the same city They decided to show some photos The photos turn out to be of the same Thai girl Of course, I told him he was talking shit, but he was

absolutely sincere He said that they were just two dumb Americans who got taken for a ride When they compared notes they were shocked at the bullshit she had given them over the last few years.

#8 Here is a suggestion…kill yourself

I met a fantastic girl in a bar on my third trip to LOS We spent three days together I gave her 1500 baht ($50) a night I’d wait until the bar closed and we’d go to my hotel and spent all day together It was the best time I’ve ever had in my life She told me that she is a law student and she will sit for the exam at the end of July She’s not the same as other

bargirls She’s only been working four months She has two sisters at home and her parents are having business trouble Her father had a business partner that ran off with the money and the business is gone.

I fall madly in love with her I come back home and promised that I'd get back on October

We communicated every day, SMS, chat, call, etc One day she told me that she wanted to start a business and I told her that was a good idea and I might join with her as partner Since I was completely blind in love, I come to Phuket again on August instead of October as promised She was quite surprised to see me and we had another fantastic week together Her Mom came to Phuket to see me We had dinner with her Mom and Aunt came with her as well She brought her clothes to my room and stayed for the week.

One day she told me I needed to buy her a necklace since all of her friends have some kind of present like this from their boyfriends I bought a silver chain worth 2500 with black gems

on it She didn’t like it She told me that this is bad luck to get a present in white and black color from a boyfriend Next day she pushed me again for a present and I told her that I didn’t have any money left She told me that she was leaving since I couldn’t buy her the present I told her ok, up to you Suddenly, she started crying and called her mom and aunt and spoke almost 30 min and cried all the time Her aunt talked to me and said she had waited for me more than a month She didn’t go with any other man because of me At one stage she hugged me and I hugged her and things become normal again.

We had lot of talk about business together and it seems she really wants to move away from bar work and wants to starts new life On the flight back home I met a guy who warned me not to start business with a bargirl I still send a lot of messages and she wants me to marry her and start the business ASAP Yesterday, we were talking about a dowry and she asked 500K ($15,000) as sin sod when we get married.

I really need your help since this a matter of my life and death Before I met with that gentlemen, I was about to leave everything for the girl I have a decent job with my own home here Do you think she’s only been working for four months? Is this a trap? I'll be

grateful to you for the rest of my life if you can give some kind of suggestion.

Chapter 9 - Finding a Girlfriend

Thai women are easy to meet I’m not talking about bargirls; they’re too easy to meet I’m talking about the other 99% of Thai women out there The easiest way to meet girls is the online dating sites Do a little research and you’ll find plenty of sites to choose from Some are them are free Some of the sites seem to be loaded with Philippine women Find a Thai specific site

Some of the online prospects will get cold feet prior to meeting They may lack confidence in real life as opposed to online and will just blow it off Some will brush you off once your actually do get there Some will have lied and already have relationship or maybe are even married If you immediately start running into lies…walk away

I recently read an interview with an owner of a dating site:

“It's so convenient! From the comfort of your armchair you can connect to hundreds of thousands of Thai women who might be interested in you Using tools like a webcam and online chat you can save a lot of time by meeting face to face without actually having to meet them in person, leveraging technology to save time and give you more choice For just

$25 on my site you can log on and browse through profiles of thousands of ladies.

The biggest tip I would say is to be polite Thai women really respect people who are polite and friendly and have a clean appearance Speaking of good appearance, you should upload a good, clear photo of yourself as a photo is essential to getting replies from any dating site One of the biggest tips for dating online in Thailand is be honest Do not lie! If you follow this rule, you will have a drama-free life Be brutally honest about your intentions and should your intentions change, keep the girl up to date Do this and you will drastically reduce the likelihood of any drama Even at the expense of a girl not meeting you, it saves time and stress for everyone in the long run and you can move on to a girl who does want to meet you Really, I think this is valuable information That goes both ways, for the girls too”.

I would try and meet girls from the area I lived in I wouldn’t bother with girls from Bangkok

if I lived in Phuket If she works in a bar…pass Usually the girl’s English isn’t very good and their writing is worse I suggest a brief first meeting, maybe something like coffee You’re not

going to impress a girl taking her out to a nice farang restaurant She won’t like the food anyway Don’t try and close the deal at the first encounter Let things develop Slow is

better Good things do come to those who wait Be careful of the relationship that moves too fast Bargirl or good girl, if things happen too quickly, there is probably an ulterior motive The dating websites are often worked by girls in the game If she’s unemployed, has tattoos, speaks English well, vague about what she’s done in the past, chances are she’s in the game After you’ve been here awhile, you’ll know when you meet them She’s just playing the dating site angle

There are introduction services with high fees Why would you want an introduction service if

you lived here? Why would anyone pay for an introduction unless it was an extremely high profile executive dating agency that focused on high profile businesswomen? Use the dating sites

The Thai world is full of good girls who want to meet a farang You just need to be outgoing

to meet them What have you got to lose…face? I suggest you get some simple business cards with your email and phone number on it, spend $10 It’s easier to meet friends that way, as well If you’re in a mall and see an attractive girl, walk up and give her a sawadee krap (Hello) and hand her a card Say, “I’d like to meet you some time, please give me a call.” They may give you their number right there! You may be getting an SMS from her in a few hours You won’t believe how far you can get with a smile and a positive attitude Confidence

is a turn on for Thai women

Meeting someone may be nothing more than saying hello Say, it’s a sales person at a store in

a mall, smile and chat her up a bit You’ll know if she’s interested when she asks where you live, if you have a girlfriend, that sort of thing If you’re attracted, come by the next day and tell you just wanted to say hello She’ll get the idea Take it slowly Let her digest the

thought of a farang boyfriend The next step would be having a meal together Make it a Thai restaurant Ask her if she knows of a good one It shouldn’t be anything fancy Let it progress organically, never press Any requests for money are a test Don’t let it be about money Be confident, easy going and smile

Rob writes: That’s exactly how I met my wife I was walking down a Phuket soi (street) one morning I smiled at a beautiful lady and said hello She said hello with an even bigger smile.

Getting involved in volunteer work, clubs and activities are other good ways to meet Thai women I have a friend who goes salsa dancing a couple times a month and is always in

demand Asking the girlfriend of your friends for introductions can work “I have sister.” Ask for a photo to see if she’s your type before meeting anyone on a blind date

I don’t understand the Thai culture dichotomy A dichotomy is a division into two usually contradictory sharply distinguished parts or opinions On the one hand there is the very

conservative Thai society Thais don’t allow kissing on TV! This is a very family orientated, polite society Women dress modestly to the point that they don’t want to be seen in a bikini

Even the long time bargirl will cover up with a towel before being naked in a bedroom On the other hand you have a promiscuous society Men have wives and multiple girlfriends There is never a scandal because a politician is getting some on the side It’s expected The Thais, especially the men, are anything but monogamists Ladyboys are openly accepted How do you have a conservative and promiscuous society at the same time?

The ideal Thai woman…is an orphan (I’m kidding, but food for thought) There is a wide range

of different norms for Thai women Thai girls are often tied to their parents to the point that they ask for permission to go out, well into their 20s A foreigner involved with a Thai woman may find her to be sexually nạve She may have a chaperone along for the first meeting or longer They may have to be home by a certain time, often before it gets dark! In most cases, they don't dare disobey their parent’s orders While many guys complain that the bargirls are too close to their families, forever sending money upcountry, so are the good girls

Good girls may not have the personality of the bargirls Bargirls aren’t afraid to party hard The good girls tend to be a little stuck in their ways They may be scared to break the mold of the traditional Thai girl image Hormones and wild friends may be telling them one thing; their parents and Thai culture are telling them another The key is patience If you think you’ve found that special someone, take it slowly What’s the hurry?

"I love you" doesn’t have the same connotation in Thailand it does in the West Thai couples place little importance on those words Long married couples may never have said that too each other This is a different culture Thai girls know foreigners say it, so be careful “I love you” from a Thai girl may be meaningless to her What is important is doing the things that show how you feel about each other

I think you need to know what you want before you get into a relationship I doubt you’ll arrive in Thailand knowing That’s why I suggest waiting before jumping into a relationship I know a number of men who are with the very first Thai girl they ever met!

Knowing what you want is the hard part; finding it, is easy It’s a lot easier to get in to a relationship than to get them out What interests do you have in common with the potential girlfriend? Thai girls don’t go to the beach, keeping their skin color as white as possible is paramount They don’t exercise They don’t swim Often, they don’t drink alcohol They take care of the house, watch TV, talk on the phone, cook and eat I’m not kidding, that’s it They take care of the house as if you have a servant I don’t do anything around my house because she’ll just come in back of me and do it again It’s part of the Thai culture programming.Often you’ll find a bargirl who is just been there for the night, cleaning your house in the morning! This is not your Western woman where household work is shared I’m of course speaking in generalities You may find one who is kee kiat…LAZY Just as in the West, where some women’s idea of preparing dinner is making reservations, some Thai girls don’t know how to cook Their idea of dinner is a stop at the local som tam (papaya salad) food cart Thai girls love their som tam

With a public education system that leaves a lot to be desired you’re probably not going to be discussing Proust with her Thai girls don’t know who Jesus or the Beatles are Throw in the language barrier and you’ll find you may not have much to talk about Instead of being a partner in a relationship, there is a stranger living in the house with you with nothing in common except sex and believe it or not, that can get old I think finding someone who is flexible, inquisitive, wants to learn new things and wants to learn to cook new foods is the

kind of girl I want to be around Remember, “Sex is easy Relationships are hard.” Choose

wisely

Are you sure you even want a girlfriend? Please take my word for it Don’t move one in for a test drive I know many guys who value their privacy and just want sex Bargirls may be the way to go, over a relationship Make that a bargirl that goes home every night! I once said to

my buddy, Aussie Pete, “Thai girlfriends are good for three things, talking to other Thais on the phone for you, negotiating prices and sex.”

He said, “I got three words for you…bargirl, bargirl and bargirl.”

Farangs seem to forget everything they have been told when they meet that someone special Commonsense disappears Here is my heart and wallet Western men in Thailand can be just hopeless! I see Thai girls leading guys around as if they’re a water buffalo with a rope through their nose Thai women can be emotional, petty and just plain nasty There are many farangs out there who put up with it

In this matriarchal Thai society, family life often plays out as this ongoing, insane soap opera The very popular Thai TV soap operas plots involve cheating, back-stabbing, lying, getting drunk, shady business deals, gun fights, stealing and infidelity with over the top dramatic acting The Thai TV soap operas are the absolute worst display of what goes on in a

household, however often it isn’t that far off Of course, westerners have their ridiculous soap operas, but it’s a far more common part of life here Thai girls can also be insanely, irrationally jealous

Try breaking up with a Thai girlfriend and you’ll likely get a taste of the craziness When crying doesn’t work, a girl will start throwing things, even hurting herself, physically

attacking you and destroying anything in their path We use the Australian term, “wobbly” as

in, “the girl threw a wobbly” Every one of my friends has been involved in a wobbly I know people who have had to move with no forwarding address, so the girl couldn’t find them Or, another woman has to leave town so the guy’s girlfriend or someone who thinks she’s a

girlfriend, won’t kill her Life can get exciting here I’ve been on the receiving end of a woman totally out of control, trying to use threats and blackmail to get what she wants If you move a Thai lady in with you, unless it is expressly agreed that it is a temporary thing, it can be difficult and very stressful to move them out

Stories of women who have gone berserk at being asked to leave are common Of course if you don't move them in, you don’t have these problems We all know of guys who have

literally had to move in hours while she was out Think carefully before you give them a key!

We have a saying, “you don’t pay them to come with you; you pay them to leave.” When the

relationship hits the skids, don’t second-guess your instincts…get out We’ve all made painful mistakes.

Thai women can be bossy little bitches A lot of the games the girls play are tests to see whether you are up to the task or not Be confident, strong, bold and whatever you do, don't look to her for direction or acceptance Calmly lead the way, even if you don’t know where you’re going

Chapter 10 - The Girlfriend and Her Family

"Marry a Thai and you marry the family," is a saying in Thailand that’s often used in a negative way There are many positives in marrying into a good family with genuine support, if you need it Marry the right girl and you find you have a great new family The family wants the marriage to be a successful and does what they can to help out Take the time to choose wisely and you are unlikely to have any issues with family I think the negative connotations occur when you marry the wrong type of woman My friends in long term relationships all speak of their girl’s family positively Some of them live with the girl’s family If you like your privacy and the idea of meddling by members of her family bothers you, choose carefully

Thai families are generally closer than Western families Family, often come first in Thailand for many women With no social security system, it’s expected that children will care for parents; they are the social security system That’s why children are so important to Thai girls They reach 30 years old without children and panic starts to set in

The family isn’t considered just parents and siblings Giving an allowance to a Thai girlfriend, you’ll find the money trickling down to support mama, papa, a few buffaloes, a barn full of chickens, two brothers, three sisters, two grandmothers, three drunk uncles, two aunts, a number of cousins, several neighbors, the postman, the village chief, the som tam (papaya salad) lady and of course the girlfriend’s children Thai family life can be mind boggling complicated Many extended family members live with and around each other in the same village

In this matriarchal society, women are running the show in the family with Thai men deferring decisions and often money management to the woman This is a generalization, but it’s more often than not the case Many Thai men hand over their pay to the women and it’s doled back out one baht at a time A man wants a pack of cigarettes; he goes to his wife for the money

There are all levels of socio-economic strata in Thailand from a rich hi-so (high society)

Bangkok to poor Isaan I’ve made a couple of trips to Isaan A visit to the girlfriend’s ban (village) can be an eye opening experience with extended family members and neighbors converging to get a look at the farang They’re interested in seeing the boyfriend I don’t speak much Thai and they don’t speak English There is a lot of smiling going on and I hear the word “farang” a lot I say something in my limited Thai and they all laugh The farang is usually an oddity in the rural areas and they’re very interested in us The women want to know how they can get a farang boyfriend, maybe send someone their way? What am I going

to tell them? Head down south and get a job in the industry, get in the game and maybe get lucky? I suggest they start by learning English

It’s surprising to me, how important skin color is in Thailand All these farangs coming here to work on their tans while Thais work so hard to stay as white as they can Darker skin indicates the person’s class in the Thai mind The darker skinned people work outside and are poorer Every Thai wants to be white Every Thai beauty product boasts of its whitening power, including deodorant How important is skin color to a Thai? While speaking with a Thai young man, I point out a beautiful woman with amber skin and ask if he thought she was attractive

He says, “Yes, but I could never bring a woman like that home to meet my parents She has darker skin than me.” Yea, it’s crazy You just don’t see dark skinned Thais on TV Thai celebrities are all as white as me and barely even look Asian

Sometimes the visiting farang is asked for a loan Farangs are all rich, you know Lending money in Thailand is always a bad idea, Thai or farang Money will not be repaid Money trumps friendship A loan in Thailand isn’t a loan; it’s giving money away Make it clear to the girlfriend from the start, you don’t loan money “If I loan you money, you’re not my friend You’re someone who owes me money,” I tell her I’ve helped out some hardship cases, but I made it understood, it was a gift

When visiting the family, don’t show up empty handed Show up with gifts, groceries and alcohol I suggest you get a local hotel room rather than stay with the family Even if the girlfriend wants to stay with the family, it’s better to stay someplace else rather than the family home Home accommodations will most likely be spartan You won’t get the guest bedroom It will be like camping indoors Often a family sleeps together There may not be running water and the bathroom is an outhouse

Food is certainly authentic in the ban (village) You can’t get any more authentic than eating

a Thai home cooked meal, but remember if it’s edible, Thais eat it This includes things like chicken feet, bones, odd tasting vegetables, fruits you’ve never seen before and of course insects I once watched my girlfriend’s mother carefully rinsing what looked like rice Over and over again she’d rinse the contents in a plastic bag A small child came over to her and Mama fed her from the bag She offered it to me and I begged off pleading, “im” (full) I later asked my girlfriend what was in the bag? She said, “I don’t know word English…ant egg?” Oh, yea