Conciseness - The Department of Redundancy Department

Chapter Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department In This Chapter • Understand redundancy • Simplify sentences • Improve your writing style In language, as in plane geometr

Chapter

Conciseness: The Department

of Redundancy Department

In This Chapter

• Understand redundancy

• Simplify sentences

• Improve your writing style

In language, as in plane geometry, the shortest distance between two points

is a straight line As Thomas Jefferson once remarked, "The most valuable

of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do." That's what this chapter is all about

All good writing demands a polished style Especially in business, writers impress their readers not with big words and convoluted prose, but rather with a straightforward, easy-to-read style Learn how to accomplish this right now

Slash and Burn

Redundant writing is cluttered with unnecessary words that fog your

meaning Wordy writing forces your readers to clear away unnecessary

2 8 8 Part 5: Style: All the Write Stuff

words and phrases before they can understand your message Redundancies are the

junk food of our language, filling us up on empty words

Prove it to yourself The following table is a series of redundant phrases I've culled from newspapers, mag-azines, friends, and foes Rewrite each of the follow-ing phrases to eliminate the redundancy Then give a reason for your revision The first one is done for you

You Could Look It Up

Redundancy is the

unnecessary repetition of words

and ideas

1 honest truth

2 past experience

3 past history

4 fatally killed

5 revert back

6 foreign imports

7 partial stop

8 true facts

9 free gift

10 live and breathe

11 null and void

12 most unique

13 cease and desist

14 soup du jour of the day

15 at 8 A.M in the morning

16 sum total and end results

17 living survivors

18 proceed ahead

19 successfully escaped

definition

C h a p t e r Z Z : Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department Z 8 9

20 minus eight degrees

below zero

2 1 forward progress

22 set a new record

23 kills bugs dead

24 at this point in time

Answers

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

1 1

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

honest truth

past experience

past history

fatally killed

revert back

foreign imports

partial stop

true facts

free gift

live and breathe

null and void

most unique

cease and desist

soup du jour of the day

at 8 A.M in the morning

sum total and end results

leaving no living survivors

proceed ahead

truth experience history killed revert imports stop facts gift live null (or void) unique

cease (or desist) soup du jour

at 8 A.M

total (or results) leaving no survivors proceed

truth is honest

all experience is past

all history is past fatal = dead revert = go back

we have domestic imports?

stop = stop

facts are true gifts are free

if you live, you breathe null = void

unique can't be modified;

it is the most cease = desist

du jour = of the day A.M = morning sum total = end results

survivors are alive you can't proceed back

continues

2 9 0 Part 5: Style: All the Write Stuff

continued

Redundancy

19 successfully escaped

20 minus eight degrees

below zero

2 1 forward progress

2 2 set a new record

2 3 kills bugs dead

24 at this point in time

Repair

escaped minus 8 degrees

progress set a record

kills bugs now

Reason

you can't escape unsuccessfully

minus = below zero

all progress is forward all records are new when they are set

kills = dead wordy phrase

Thrift, Thrift, Thrift

When you sit down to write, you might get carried away by the sound of your own words Even though you know you've packed in some unnecessary verbiage, each word is near and dear to your heart, like your cracked Little League catcher's mitt

from '67 or the designer shoes you got on sale that never fit and never will

Take My Word for It

Redundancy comes from the

Latin word undore ("to

over-flow") and re ("back") Because

redundancy literally means "to

overflow again and again,"

the word itself is redundant!

You want to save every one of your words; after all,

they are your words "Cut that phrase?" you howl

"I can't bear to part with such a beautiful (graceful, important, dazzling) phrase." Yes, you can; trust me And your writing will be the better for it An effec-tive writing style shows an economy of language From now on, here's your mantra:

• Write simply and directly

• Omit unnecessary details or ideas that you have already stated

• Use a lot of important detail, but no unnecessary words You want your writing

to be concise

Conciseness describes writing that is direct and to the point This is not to say that you

have to pare away all description, figures of speech, and images No Rather, it is to

say that wordy writing annoys your readers because it forces them to slash their way through your sentences before they can understand what you're saying Hard and lean

C h a p t e r ï l \ Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department Z 9 1

sentences, like hard and lean bodies, require far more effort than flabby ones And they are so much nicer

Follow these five easy rules to create taut, effective sentences

• Eliminate unneeded words and phrases

• Revise sentences that begin with expletives

• Combine sentences that repeat information

• Don't say the same thing twice

• Make passive sentences active

Look at each of these rules in greater detail

Eliminate Unneeded Words and Phrases

Unneeded words are like annoying little

gnats that nip at your ankles during summer

picnics As a matter of fact, because these

words and phrases are like so much empty

noise, they are often called buzzwords

Buzzwords come in different parts of speech,

as the following table shows

Buzzwords

Part of Speech

Adjectives

Adverbs

Nouns

Sample Buzzwords

nice, central, major, good, excellent quite, very, basically, really, central, major field, case, situation, character, kind, scope, sort, type, thing, element, area, aspect, factor, nature, quality

Here's how they look in context:

Wordy: These types of administrative problems are really quite difficult to solve Better: Administrative problems are difficult to solve

Redundant phrases are kissing cousins to buzzwords because they also repeat infor-mation that has already been stated The following table lists 10 especially annoying examples Add them to the ones you revised at the beginning of this chapter

You Could Look It Up _^

Buzzwords are

com-monly used, extraneous phrases that aren't necessary to the mean-ing of the sentence and so should

be cut

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Ten Redundant Phrases Revised

repeat again

red in color

extra gratuity

continue to remain

small in size

few in number

new innovation

complete stop

combine together

final end

repeat red gratuity remain small few innovation stop combine end

Then we have the big daddy of them all, really long-winded phrases These are pre-fab phrases that seem to add instant sophistication to your sentences They don't Instead, they make your writing sound pretentious and gassy

The following table lists some of these annoying redundancies and ways to revise them

Twenty Redundant Phrases Revised

at this point in time

at the present time

for the purpose of

in the event that

until such time as

in view of the fact that

because of the fact that

due to the fact that

in order to utilize

is an example of

free up some space

my personal physician

thunderstorm activity

now now for

if until because because because

to use

is make room

my doctor thunderstorm

C h a p t e r 2 2 : Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department 2 9 3

Wordy Better

weather event snow (rain, and so on)

it is believed by many that many believe

experience some discomfort hurt

in order to to

making an effort to trying to

completely surrounded on all sides surrounded

reiterated over and over again repeated

Following are 8 wordy phrases that should just be stricken from your writing, much

as you destroy the pictures of your old flame when you find a new love (You did

destroy those photos, didn't you?)

Dead air:

1 the point I am trying to make

2 as a matter of fact

3 in a very real sense

4 in light of the fact that

5 in the case of

6 that is to say

7 to get to the point

8 what I mean to say

Wordy: In fact, the luncheonette that was situated in the local area was, in a very real

sense, the heart of the neighborhood

Better: The luncheonette was the heart of the neighborhood

Take a second and slice the deadwood from the following sentences Each refers to an actual law still on the books in some U.S cities (They prove why we need more

lawyers.)

1 It is a true fact that in Tennessee, it's illegal to shoot any game (for the purpose

of harming them) other than whales from a moving automobile

29«i P a r t 5 : Style: All the Write Stuff

2 What I mean to say is that in Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests

in nightclubs

3 At this point in time, it is still illegal to drive more than 2,000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time

4 It is a true fact that in Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backward in a reverse direction after sunset when the sun has already set

5 It is the honest truth that horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in a very real sense in Marshalltown, Iowa

Answers

1 In Tennessee, it's illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving

automobile

2 In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs

3 It is still illegal to drive more than 2,000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time

4 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backward after sunset

5 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa

Revise Sentences That Begin with Expletives

Expletives are constructions that fill holes when writers invert subject-verb word order

Now, inverting subject-verb word order is a good way to achieve sentence variety, as you've already learned But filling in the blanks with expletives just clutters your writing

Here are the most common expletive constructions:

You Could Look It Up • Tt is

Expletives are construe- • There is

tions that fill holes when writers r-™

invert subject-verb word order

• There were

C h a p t e r Z Z : Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department 2 9 5

These constructions only delay the point of the sentence For instance:

• It is necessary for all employees to select a health care plan

• There are three health plans employees can choose

Whenever possible, replace the expletive with an action verb, as these revised sen-tences show:

• All employees must select a health care plan

• Employees can choose from three health plans

Or:

Three health plans are offered

Combine Sentences That Repeat Information

You can also combine sentences to achieve clarity First, look for sentences that con-tain the same information or relate to the same ideas and so logically belong together Then combine the related sentences Finally, cut any words that just take up space like an unwanted house guest Here are some examples:

Wordy: The Chamber was a best-seller It was written by John Grisham The Chamber

was a courtroom thriller

Better: The Chamber, by John Grisham, was a best-selling courtroom thriller

Wordy: Sonnets, which are a beautiful poetic form, have 14 lines and a set rhythm and

rhyme

Better: Sonnets are a beautiful poetic form with 14 lines and a set rhythm and rhyme

You can also eliminate unnecessary words by slicing and dicing extraneous relative pronouns and adjective clauses For instance:

Wordy: Rosie O'Donnell, who was homecoming queen of her high school class, was

raised in Commack, New York

Better: Rosie O'Donnell, homecoming queen of her high school class, was raised in

Commack, New York

(The relative phrase "who was" jolts the rhythm of the writing; the sentence is much smoother without it.)

2 9 6 Part 5: Style: All the Write Stuff

Danger, Will Robinson

Repetition is a good

thing, redundancy is not When

you use repetition, you

deliber-ately repeat words and phrases

to create rhythm and emphasis

Redundancy, in contrast, is made

up of unnecessary bits and

pieces that need to be trimmed

like fat from the federal budget

Wordy: Many people are drawn to Goldie Hawn's

vitality, which is delightful

Better: Many people are drawn to Goldie Hawn's

delightful vitality

(Again, the relative phrase "which are" adds annoying clutter.)

Give it a shot Rewrite the following paragraph to eliminate unnecessary words Write your revision on the lines provided

Wordy:

The high cost of multimedia presentations is due to the combined cost of studio shoots and expensive media compression The costs of graphic design and technical support are also high

Revised:

How does your revision compare to this version?

Studio shoots, media compression, graphic design, and technical support all con-tribute to the high cost of multimedia presentations

Don't Say the Same Thinq Twice

Phrases such as "cover over," "circle around," and "square in shape" are redundant— they say the same thing twice This is the redundancy problem you corrected in the beginning of this chapter

Wordy: We watched the big, massive, black cloud rising up from the level prairie and

covering over the sun

Better: We watched the massive, black cloud rise from the prairie and cover the sun Wordy: The package, rectangular in shape, was on the counter

Better: The rectangular package was on the counter

C h a p t e r 2 2 : Conciseness: The Department of Redundancy Department 2 9 7

p ^ Danger, Will Robinson

As you learned, there are some legitimate reasons to use the passive voice For example, passive is the voice of choice when you don't want to name the subject (as in

"A mistake was made") or you want to focus on the object of the action (as in "A rob-bery occurred today")

Make Passive Sentences Active

In the active voice, the subject performs the action named by the verb In the passive voice, the subject receives the action The passive voice is often far wordier than the

active voice How many unnecessary words were cut by rewriting the following sen-tences from the passive voice to the active voice?

Passive: A turkey instead of an eagle was first wanted by Benjamin Franklin as our

national symbol

Active: Benjamin Franklin first wanted a turkey instead of an eagle as our national

symbol

Passive: From 1960 to 1981, a record $71 million was amassed by Muhammad Ali in

his professional boxing career

Active: From 1960 to 1981, Muhammad Ali amassed a record $71 million in his

pro-fessional boxing career

Rewrite each of these passive sentences into the active voice

1 As the Titanic sank on April 15, 1912, "Nearer My God to Thee" was played by

the band

2 Four Pulitzer Prizes in poetry were won by Robert Frost

3 In 1963, the presidency of her high school class was won by Bette Midler

4 The first antislavery group in America was headed by Ben Franklin

5 A job as a reporter for The New York Tribune was once held by Karl Marx