the everything kids giant book of jokes riddlesand brain teasers

TOM AND TINA SWIFTIES“Look at the cute pony,” said Tina a little hoarsely.. “I finished taking my shower,” said Tina dryly.. Didja hear about the baby girl who wanted to play basketball?

THE EVERYTHING®

KIDS' GIANT BOOK OF JOKES,

RIDDLES, AND

BRAIN TEASERS

Michael Dahl, Kathi Wagner, Aubrey Wagner, and Aileen Weintraub

Karen Cooper

DIRECTOR OF ACQUISITIONS AND INNOVATION Paula Munier

MANAGING EDITOR, EVERYTHING ®

SERIES Lisa Laing

COPY CHIEF Casey Ebert

ACQUISITIONS EDITOR Katrina Schroeder

SENIOR DEVELOPMENT EDITOR Brett Palana-Shanahan

ASSOCIATE DEVELOPMENT EDITOR Hillary Thompson

EDITORIAL ASSISTANT Ross Weisman

EVERYTHING ®

SERIES COVER DESIGNER Erin Alexander

LAYOUT DESIGNERS Colleen Cunningham, Elisabeth Lariviere, Ashley Vierra, Denise Wallace

Copyright © 2010 by F+W Media, Inc.

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews and photocopies

made for classroom use.

An Everything ® Series Book.

Everything® and everything.com® are registered trademarks of F+W Media, Inc.

Published by Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322 U.S.A.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 August 2010 Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks When those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

Interior illustrations by Kurt Dobler and Barry Littmann Puzzles by Beth L Blair.

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.

For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

Visit the entire Everything® series at www.everything.com

Video Quips (Punny Names)

Gags and Giggles

The World's Seven Best LimericksSigns on the Dotty Line

Laughing Stock

Pundemonium

Nuts from the Family Tree

You Know You're a Loser When

In the Bag

Burma-Shave: The Unknown Comic with an EdgeThe Nickname Game

Goofballs

Watt's the Problem? (Light Bulb Jokes)

Anything for a Laugh

Elephant Jokes

PART TWO: KNOCK KNOCK

Once Upon a Knock-Knock

When Fun Comes a Knockin'

Tied Up in Knock-Knocks

Knock-Knock Your Socks Off

Who's That Knockin'?

One Two Three O'Clock Knock

Knock 'Em Dead with Knock-Knocks

Knock-Knock Yourself Silly

A Knock Here, a Knock There

PART THREE: RIDDLES & BRAIN TEASERS

Time for School

It's a Zoo

Travel the World

Food and Drink

Crossing Over

Perfectly at Home

Let's Play Sports

All in the Family

APPENDIX A: PUZZLE ANSWERS

Part One JOKES

HUMANS ARE THE ONLY CREATURES on this planet who laugh Oh sure, hyenas make a funny bark that may sound like a laugh Grade Bmovies and sitcoms show chimpanzees and dolphins laughing at their silly human costars But people are the only animals that giggle, chuckle,titter, guffaw, belly laugh, chortle, and yuck Have you ever known a hamster who snickers at an elephant joke? Or a Rottweiler who appreciates awell-thrown custard pie in his face? Didn't think so

Besides loving to laugh, we also like making other people laugh Who hasn't enjoyed being the center of attention, even if only for a few seconds,after you've told a truly terrific joke? Well, this book has tons of them — jokes, howlers, groaners, puns, witty retorts, and practical gags

One more thing This book is not to be read in the silence of your bedroom or favorite hiding place Carry it with you at all times, read it out loud,underline the best parts, dog-ear the pages, share the jokes with all your friends

Read, laugh, and be more funny!

Why did King Kong climb to the top of the Empire State Building?

He was too big to use the elevator.

What sport do vampires like to watch?

Bat-minton.

Why are most mummies vain and conceited?

They're all wrapped up in themselves.

Why did the dragon cough during the day?

Because he smoked knights.

Why is Frankenstein such a good gardener?

He has a green thumb.

Where does Godzilla sleep?

Anywhere he wants to!

Did you hear about the old vampire who kept his teeth in the freezer?

He gave his victims frostbite.

The little vampire could never gain weight

His eating was all in vein.

Why does the mad scientist like to eat a hot dog with a glass of beer?

It's a frank and stein.

Did you hear about the zombie hairdresser?

Each day she dyed on the job.

Why did the cheerleading squad move into the haunted house?

Because it's got spirit!

What do you get when you cross a ghost with a firecracker?

Bamboo!

Did you hear about the two vampires who raced one another?

It was neck and neck.

Why are cannibals so popular?

I don't know, but they always have lots of friends for lunch!

What did one casket say to the other casket?

“Is that you coffin?”

Hole In One

Fill in the missing letters in the words below Then, copy the letter from each word into the box with the same number When you're finished, you'llget the answer to this riddle: What did the witch use to fix her broken jack-o'-lantern? HINT: Be careful! Sometimes more than one letter can finish

a word Be sure each letter makes sense in the final answer

What did the witch use to fix her broken jack-o'-lantern ?

What's Dracula's least favorite food?

A steak It goes right through him and leaves a nasty case of heartburn.

How many dead people are in the graveyard?

All of them!

What do firefighters get?

Water on the knee.

What do workers at McDonald's get?

What do watchmakers get?

All wound up!

WHAT'S GNU?

Mona: I had trouble with my horse yesterday I wanted to go in one direction, and he wanted to go in another

Sam: So how did you decide?

Mona: He tossed me for it

Sam: I think my pet duck is broken

Jokin' Around

Fowl Definitions

From the Dictionary for Bird-Brains

Hatchet — What a chicken does with its eggs

Information — How geese fly

Foul ball — An egg

Crow bar — Where birds like to drink and hang out

Sam: Yeah, he has a quack in him

Mona: What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?

Sam: A centipede with athlete's foot

Sam: I'd like to buy a bird

Sam: Sounds great!

Store Clerk: This one here is very talented

She can talk in seven languages, sing The Star-Spangled Banner, and recite the Gettysburg Address

Sam: Never mind that Is she tender?

Rich Snob: I don't like your bird, young man

Sam: Why not?

Why did the hen slide her eggs down the hill?

She loved playing with the children.

How much fur can you get from a skunk?

As fur as you possibly can!

How do you spell mousetrap with only three letters?

Mona: What kind of pet can help you write letters?

Sam: The alpha-pet

Alex: Why is that dachshund sitting in the sun?

Amy: Because his owners like hot dogs

Do you know how to raise rabbits?

Yes, by the scruff of their necks.

Sam: Wow! It's raining cats and dogs

Mona: How can you tell?

Sam: I just stepped in a poodle

Sam: Have you ever seen a fish bowl?

Mona: Sure, lots of times

Sam: How do they get their fins into those little holes?

Sam: Can you name four members of the cat family?

Sam: He used an oink-pen

What did the leopard say after dinner?

“That hit just the right spots.”

Sam: Hey! Your dog bit my ankle

Mona: Sorry, but that's as high as he can reach

Sam: Take away his credit card

Why Oh Why?

Pick up words as the chicken walks from START to END Write each word down in the order in which the chicken finds them, and you'll end up withthe answer to this riddle:

Why does a flamingo stand up on one leg?

Because if he pulled the other one up he'd fall over.

Sam: That's because he's a little hoarse

“He who laughs, lasts.”

— Leo Rosten

Sam: They don't know the words

What did the little kid say when he saw the peacock?

“Look, Ma, the chicken's in bloom!”

Sam: I haven't seen your pet chicken lately

Mona: Well, this week she's been laying low

Words to Know

Punch line: the part of the joke that gets the laugh

The animal doctor is always busy as a bee!

Take a gander at a few of his patients:

The leopard is seeing spots,

The kangaroo is feeling jumpy,

The goldfish is flushed,

The chameleon is looking green,

The woodpecker caught a bug,

The baby duckling has been getting a little down lately, And the bullfrog is afraid he's going to croak!

CRAZY COLORS (OR HUE MUST BE NUTS!)

What color is a marriage?

Why did the computer geek sell his cat?

He was afraid it would eat his mouse.

How do you contact Hercules by computer?

Send him he-mail.

What has a video screen, a keyboard, six legs, and plugs into the wall?

A computer bug.

What do computer geeks eat for dessert?

Apple pie a la modem.

Did you hear about the geek who almost drowned?

He was surfing the Web and got bumped off.

Jokin' Around

Totally Buggy

Computer Viruses to Watch Out For:

The Disney Virus

The screen starts acting Goofy

The Titanic Virus

Everything goes down

The Diet Virus

The computer quits after just one byte

The Las Vegas Virus

Users have to turn in their chips

The Divorce Virus

Your motherboard stops talking to your data

Dweeb: I was trying to send e-mail, but the stamps kept sliding off!

Did you hear about the guy who flunked technical college?

He can only operate nincomputers.

Dweeb: I'll let you know as soon as I've finished eating it

Karl: My PC says it can't see my printer

You heard about the computer scientist who spends half his time directing the town's orchestra?

He's a semi-conductor.

“Of course I know how to copy disks … Where's the Xerox machine?”

If at first you don't succeed … call it version 1.0

What was the world's first computer?

An Apple Eve gave one to Adam.

What are the three main parts of a printer?

The power cord, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking light.

“My computer is almost human.”

“What do you mean?”

“When it makes a mistake, it blames it on another computer.”

I had a rotten day at work today My computer broke down and I had to think all day long

TOM AND TINA SWIFTIES

“Look at the cute pony,” said Tina a little hoarsely

“I can't remember what groceries I need,” said Tom listlessly

“Is it time to turn the pancakes?” asked Tina flippantly

“Look at that scroungy old dog,” Tom muttered

“Who cut the cheese?” asked Tina sharply

“I'd gladly give you a thousand dollars,” said Tom grandly

“My pet bird is sick,” said Tina illegally

“Let's set up camp,” said Tom intently

“I'll make the fire,” Tina bellowed

“I got the lowest grade in my cooking class,” said Tom degradedly

“We're all out of pumpernickel bread,” said Tina wryly

“Why can't we go bowling?” Tom bawled

“I finished taking my shower,” said Tina dryly

“Give me another strawberry cake,” Tom retorted

“These oysters are all mine!” said Tina shellfishly

“Keep them! I prefer other seafood,” said Tom crabbily

“I love arithmetic,” Tina added

“And I love correcting my mistakes,” Tom remarked

“That's my gold mine,” Tina claimed

“But it used to be mine!” Tom exclaimed

DIDJA HEAR?

Didja hear about the police officer who arrested the young cat?

He saw the kitty litter.

Didja hear about the baby girl who wanted to play basketball?

She had trouble dribbling.

Didja hear about the taxicab driver who lost his job?

He was driving away all his customers.

Didja hear about the pet shop owner who couldn't get sell his porcupine?

He was stuck with it.

Didja hear about the cannibal who ate his mother's sister?

He was an aunt-eater.

Didja hear about the woman who'd buy anything that was marked down?

She came home with an elevator.

Didja hear about the sailor who was kicked off the submarine?

He liked sleeping with the windows open.

Didja hear about the piano tuner who was arrested at the aquarium?

Didja hear about the rubber man from the circus who was killed in an auto wreck?

He died in his own arms.

Didja hear about the lady who stopped feeding the pigeons?

The birds revolted and formed a coo.

Didja hear about the kitten that loves to play with a piece of string?

After a while he has a ball.

LARRY AND LUNA

Luna: Terrible!

Luna: I must be sick I'm seeing spots.

Luna: No, just spots

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog Few people are interested and the frog dies.”

— E B White

Luna: Why is it better to buy a thermometer in the winter?

Larry: That's too bad, because it tasted delicious

Luna: What's the last thing you take off before you go to bed?

Larry: My feet off the floor

Larry: How many feet are in a yard?

Larry: Twelve

Luna: Only twelve! Are you sure?

Luna: I can tell the future

Larry: Really?

Luna: Yes I can tell you what the score of a soccer game is before it even starts

Larry: What is it?

Luna: Nothing to nothing

Larry: What's the best thing to put in a pie?

Luna: Your teeth!

Larry: Eleven inches

Luna: That's not very long

Larry: If it was any longer it would be a foot

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”

— e.e cummings

Larry: Did I tell you my mom's been in the hospital for years?

Larry: Nah, she's a doctor

Luna: I just got back from the beauty shop

Larry: It was closed, huh?

Larry: There's something wrong with that pizza I ate

Larry: Inside information

Luna: Plug his nose!

Luna: Is there any tapioca pudding on the menu?

Waiter: There was, but I wiped it off

Larry: Why are you scratching yourself?

Luna: It was just gorges!

Larry: Some joker He said, “It's long-distance from Japan,” and I said, “It sure is!” and hung up

Larry: Boy! My diet must be working

Larry: I can finally see the numbers on the bathroom scale

Larry: I'm on a new diet I only eat food that swims

Luna: That sounds great! Fish is very healthy for you

Larry: Yuck, forget fish! Do you realize how much trouble I'm having teaching a cow to dog-paddle?

Larry: Do you believe in astrology?

Luna: No, it's just a lot of Taurus

SCHOOL JOKES

Alex: It's his lunch money

Alex: Teacher! Teacher! Now, Jimmy swallowed all his pennies And it's your fault!

Teacher: Why is it my fault?

Teacher: You need to study harder, Alex Why, when I was your age, I could recite all the presidents' names by heart

Amy: Yeah, but there were only two or three back then

FUN FACT

BOGGLE BOX

In his bestselling book, The BFG (Big Friendly Giant), author Roald Dahl's giant hero has his own name for everything For instance, a school iscalled a “boggle box.”

If you've ever been to school — and who hasn't? — you'll know that the name fits!

Teacher: Where are all the kings and queens of England crowned?

Amy: On the tops of their heads.

Alex: The lion ate my bossy Aunt Mimi, and I'm glad he ate her!

Teacher: Correct this sentence: “Aliens is in the classroom.”

Alex: Forget the sentence, Teach! Run for your life!

Teacher: Tell me how you'd use the word “rhythm” in a sentence.

Alex: My older brother is going to the movies, and I want to go rhythm

Amy: Usually on my report card

Alex: Ten

Teacher: Name a creature that is very good at catching flies

Amy: A baseball player in left field

Alex: Yeah My jacket has ten buttons, but I can only fasten eight

Amy: A female moth

Mother: Explain this “D” on your test, dear

Amy: I'm having trouble with my Is

Amy: No, I can't spell “Mississippi”!

Teacher: Did you wake up grouchy this morning, young man?

Alex: No, Dad and I let her sleep.

Alex: Noah's wife

Amy: Cuz every day they try to make the little things count

Amy: I had an inkling of what I wanted to write my report about So I grabbed a pen and paper

Amy: Then my pen had an inkling all over my shirt!Teacher: Tell me the name of the Prince of Wales

Amy: Orca

Mother: I don't think my child deserves a zero on this test

Teacher: Neither do I, ma'am But it's the lowest score I can give!

Alex: The hunter shot a paradox flying over the lake

Mother: Your teacher tells me you're at the bottom of the class.

Angie: Yeah, but they teach the same thing at both ends.

Amy: There are eight in my family, Teach, but the clock was only set for seven

Mother: Why don't you like your new teacher, honey?

Amy: Because she told me to sit in the front row for the present And then she never gave me any present!

Mother: Why did you have to stay after school today, Alex?

Alex: I flunked the test I didn't know where the Appalachians were

Teacher: That makes five times I've had to punish you this week, Darren What do you have to say for yourself?

Darren: I'm glad it's Friday!

Alex: Would you yell at me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Certainly not.

Alex: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

QUICKIES

One microbe ran into another microbe while swimming through a bloodstream

“You don't look so hot,” said the first microbe

“I feel terrible,” said the second microbe “I think I'm coming down with penicillin.”

If we breathe oxygen during the day, what do we breathe at night?

Nitrogen.

“I think the cuckoo in my cuckoo clock is tired.”

“That's silly!”

“No, it's not You'd be tired too if you'd been running all night.”

What's the hardest thing about falling out of bed?

The floor.

Sounds Funny To Me

Match each funny sound riddle to the correct picture punchline

1 What goes “Z-Z-U-B, Z-Z-U-B, Z-Z-U-B”?

2 What goes “HOE, HOE, HOE”?

3 What goes “ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ — sluuuuurp”?

4 What goes “HA, HA, HA — thump”?

5 What goes “99 thump, 99 thump, 99 thump”?

6 What goes “tick-WOOF, tick-WOOF, tick-WOOF”?

What did the princess say while she waited for her photos to come back from the store?

“Some day my prints will come!”

Terry: Why is the Mississippi River so rich?

Nick: Because it has two banks and it makes deposits all day long

Why are you taking that hammer to bed?

So I can get up at the crack of dawn!

What do you get for the man who has everything?

A burglar alarm!

“Long distance? I'd like to place a call to Aberystwyth, Wales.”

“Could you spell that please?”

“If I could spell it, I'd write!”

How do robots celebrate Mother's Day?

They send a dozen red roses to the power company.

Judge: This is the last time I want to see you in my court! Do you realize that for the last twenty years, I've seen you in here at least once a month?

Crook: Sorry, your Honor But it's not my fault that you haven't been promoted

Karl: Boy, am I mad at my brother!

Trent: What did he do?

Karl: I let him ride my new bicycle, and I told him to treat it as if it were his own

Trent: So?

Karl: He sold it

Molar: Hey, why are you getting all dressed up?

Wisdom Tooth: The dentist is taking me out tonight

“You're very healthy,” said the doctor “You should live to be eighty.”

“But, I am eighty!” said the patient

“See? What did I tell you?”

A young fellow was walking through an unfamiliar part of town late at night Two muggers jumped out from the shadows and dragged him to theground The young guy put up quite a fight, but eventually the two thugs overpowered him

One of the muggers grabbed the man's wallet, looked inside, and then threw it down in disgust

“You put up all that fight for just a measly two bucks?” said the mugger

The fellow answered, “Shucks, no I was afraid you were gonna find the three hundred dollars I hid in my shoe.”

What's the hottest day of the week?

“No, but my brakes are.”

Darren: Every time I have a cup of coffee, I get a sharp pain in my right eye What should I do, Doctor?

Doctor: Take the spoon of out your cup

Mother: Jenny, have you finished filling up the salt shakers yet?

Jenny: No, Mom It's hard pushing the salt through those tiny holes

Trent: Is there a place where I can catch the 1:30 bus to town?

Danny: That depends on how fast you can run It left ten minutes ago

A father saw his son out in the backyard cleaning their homemade swing, a rubber tire hanging by a rope from a tree branch The son was hosing itdown, wiping it off, dusting out the inside The puzzled father went outside and said, “Son, I thought you were playing on the golf course with yourfriends this afternoon.” “I was,” replied the boy “But the golf instructor said I needed to improve my swing.”

Perry: Officer! Somebody stole my car!

Police Officer: Did you see who did it?

Perry: No, but I got the license number

Two women met at a laundromat As they talked, the first woman said, “I have five children.” The other woman said, “That sounds nice I wish I hadfive children.” “Don't you have any children?” asked the first woman “Yeah, ten!” said the second

Jokin' Around

Eye to Eye

Make this statement to a friend:“I can put this sheet of paper down on the floor, and I'll bet we can both stand on it, but you won't be able totouch me.” Your friend will be eager to take such an easy bet Lay the sheet of paper down in a doorway Shut the door carefully so that thetwo ends of the sheet stick out on either side Voila! You and your friend will be able to stand on the sheet on opposite sides of the door Butneither of you can touch the other person Bet won!

Tip: This trick works even better with an extra long sheet of paper

OUTTA THIS WORLD

Why are astronauts always so clean?

Because they take meteor showers.

Which tastes better, a comet or an asteroid?

An asteroid, because it's meteor.

How is a comet like the dog Wishbone?

They're both stars with tails.

What planet goes up in the summer and down in the winter?

Mercury.

Where do astronauts eat?

The lunch-pad.

How do astronauts keep their rockets free from dust?

They drive through the vacuum of outer space.

What is at the center of Jupiter?

The letter “I.”

Why couldn't the astronauts land on the moon?

Because it was full.

Why did the cowboy want to buy a satellite?

So he could watch where he was going when it got dark.

Did you hear about the astronomer who got knocked out?

He's seeing stars.

Where can you see new stars?

In Hollywood.

Astronut: Sandstorms don't glow in the dark

Alien: I was born on the planet Neptune

Scientist: That's amazing! Which part?

Alien: All of me

Astronaut: What are you digging in your pockets for?

Astronut: You said we'd be landing this thing at a meteor, and most parking meteors only take quarters

Did you hear about the young girl who plans to be an astronaut?

Her teacher says she's taking up space!

Did you hear about the Martian who flew to Earth to buy a brand new car for his family? He told the car salesman, “I want the body green, the wheelsgreen, the interior green, and the windows tinted green.” The salesman said, “No problem.” After the Martian ordered his new car, he made aninterplanetary long-distance call to his wife to tell her the good news “That's terrific, honey,” said his wife “But what color is it?” “Flesh tones,” saidthe Martian

Did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but no atmosphere.

What's the only Irish constellation?

Orion.

“Sir, do you believe in UFOs?”

“No comet.”

Two Venusians landed in front of a busy stoplight

The first one said, “She's cute I saw her first.”

The second one said, “Yeah, but I'm the one she winked at.”

What do astronauts take for a headache?

Space capsules.

“I just got back from the Dog Star.” “Sirius?”

If astronauts are so smart, why do they count backwards?

Scientist: Your mission is to land on the Sun

Astronaut: Are you nuts? I'll burn up!

Scientist: That's why you're going at night.

Two Martians landed their spacecraft in a quiet stretch of countryside

“I think this must be a human cemetery,” said the first Martian “See that marker over there? It's a gravestone And it gives the human's age, too —one hundred and two.”

“What was his name?” asked the second Martian

“Miles to Milwaukee.”

PROFESSOR FRUITCAKE

Did you hear about the mad scientist who married the Amish woman?

He drove her buggy.

Did you hear about the mad scientist who worked for the woman peanut farmer?

He made her nuts.

Did you hear about the mad scientist who trained the Olympic diver?

He sent him off the deep end.

Did you hear about the mad scientist who worked with the bungee jumper?

He pushed him over the edge.

Did you hear about the poor little baby who stayed with the mad scientist?

It went ga-ga.

Did you hear about the rocket experts who hired the mad scientist?

They went ballistic.

The answers to these Hink Pinks are two rhyming words of one syllable each Fill each answer into the numbered Kriss Kross grid Surprise —you've got one done!

ACROSS

3 happy boy

4 a fruity drink at noon

6 a cooking vessel that's not cool

8 a counterfeit reptile

10 a musical piece that's not short

11 home of a small rodent

12 large amount of fake hair

13 enjoyable joke that makes you groan

DOWN

1 a sick dollar

2 football players yelling together

3 great group of marching musicians

5 a chilly place to swim

7 skinny female monarch

What do you call your pet pooch that got caught in the rain?

A soggy doggy.

What do you call a parent with six crying babies?

A diaper wiper!

What do you call Her Royal Highness's denim pants?

The Queen's jeans.

What do you call that dumb little guy who flies around and shoots arrows on Valentine's Day?

Stupid Cupid.

What's reddish yellow and helps a door swing back and forth?

An orange door hinge.

RING THE DOORBELL! (KNOCK KNOCK JOKES)

Will Fred come out and play today?

“In the end, everything is a gag.”

Three Blind Mice

Look at the dice below:

Challenge your friends to take three dice, place one on a table or napkin, and balance the other two on top, side by side First, show them

how it's done Your friends will not be able to reproduce the trick! No matter how hard they try, their top two dice will always fall off the bottomone.

How did you do it?

Spit (No, not now!) That's the secret of the trick: spit During the setup of the trick, while no one is paying attention to your hands, lick one ofyour fingertips Then touch one of the die faces A tiny amount of saliva will hold the two dice together, especially if you hold the dice tightlytogether for a second or two

Tip: It's important to place the top two dice with the 2 and the 4 showing Why? Because then the facing sides become the 1s on each die.The faces with 1s provide more surface area to hold your secret saliva

When you hand the dice to your opponent, wipe off the tell-tale “glue” without drawing attention Use your hands to rub off the spit or push thedice across the tablecloth or napkin

A little old lady.

A little old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel

A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about something slow

Tasha soccer ball out and let's play!

Knock knock Who's there?

Dewey Dewey who?

Dewey have to listen to any more knock knock jokes?

JURASSIC PORK

Why are the dinosaurs extinct?

They smelled so bad.

What do you say when you want your dinosaur to move faster?

“Pronto, saurus!”

Why don't you ever let a tyrannosaur drive your car?

Because a tyrannosaurus rex.

Why are meteors better than toilet paper?

Because one meteor was able to wipe out all the dinosaurs in the world.

Why did the caveman always show up at the party first?

He was Early Man.

What do you call the first man who discovered fire?

Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Iguanodon

Iguanodon who?

Iguanodon town to see the dinosaur exhibit

Then there was the caveboy who invented the wheel He told his buddies to keep it a secret “Don't tell my dad,” he said “Or he'll make me inventthe garage.”

What do pterodactyls have that no other creature has?

Little pterodactyls.

What toys did cavekids play with?

Tricera-tops.

A full-grown stegosaurus can grow up to how many feet?

Just the four.

The world's first glacier was spotted by a caveman with good ice sight

Cavepeople invented the world's first music by rolling boulders down a hill They called it rock-and-roll

Jokin' Around

Double or Nothing

Tell a friend or an adult that you will be able to double their money without buying anything, going on the Stock Exchange, or using a computer.Then ask them for a dollar bill

Simply fold the bill in half and say, “There! I doubled your money!”

Did you hear about the cavewoman who found a saber-toothed tiger trapped in a block of ice? She quickly built a fire and melted the ice, releasingthe dangerous creature After the tiger carried off her husband, her neighbors asked her why she had done it “I made a terrible mistake,” she said

“I thought I thawed a pussycat!”

GROSS!

A man is racing to the bathroom, a second man is leaving it, and a third man is still inside Can you guess their nationalities?

Russian, Finnish, and European.

What did Mother say to Father when their baby boy fell down the stairs?

“Oh, look, honey! Our little boy is taking his first twenty-three steps!”

Mother: Why did you put a frog in your sister's bed?

Jimmy: I couldn't find a snake

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm.

“Waiter! There's a cockroach in my salad!” “Please don't shout, sir Or else the other customers will be asking for one, too!”

“Everything about life is funny.”

— Monica Seles

Teacher: Oh dear! I've lost another pupil

Teacher: My glass eye flew out the window while I was driving

Did you hear about the poor girl who swallowed the thermometer?

She's dying by degrees.

What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant's burp?

One is a bar room, and the other is a bar-OOOOM!

Do you remember when you lost your baby teeth?

Yeah, and was I surprised my dad could hit a baseball that hard!

“A train smashed into my bicycle, and I didn't even get hurt.”

“Why not?”

“My brother Dave was riding it.”

How do you keep a rooster from crowing on Sunday morning?

Make rooster stew Saturday night.

Why doesn't your sister like eating dill pickles?

She keeps getting her head stuck in the jar.

“That bully down the street just broke my finger!”

“Gosh, how did he do that?”

“He hit me in the nose.”

Did you hear about the new principal who's been keeping the boys on their toes?

He raised all the urinals six inches.

How was King Henry VIII different from normal husbands?

He married his wives first, and axed them after.

There was a young monk of Siberia

Who of fasting grew wearia and wearia,

Till one day with a yell

He escaped from his cell

And devoured the Father Superia

HOW'S BUSINESS?

Astronomer: It's looking up

Submarine pilot: It has its ups and downs

Oil rigger: Boring.

Carpenter: It's leveling off

Surgeon: I always get a lot out of my patients

Roofer: Customers are sliding off

Boat racer: Sails are dropping

Minister: Prophets are increasingly read

Air traffic controller: Can't come, plane!

Model: The figures aren't all in yet

Aerobics instructor: I'm reducing the bottom line

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”

— Erma Bombeck

Car mechanic: Planning to re-tire

Pizza chef: Making dough hand over fist

Miner: Roughly carving out a living

Teacher: Sorry, but that's classified information!

Jokin' Around

The Money Drop, or The Buck Doesn't Stop Here

Take out a crisp 1-dollar bill and hold it in your right hand Let it hang down from your thumb and forefinger Place the fingers and thumb ofyour left hand loosely around the bill without touching it Let go of the bill with your right hand and catch it in your left hand Don't grab it until theright hand has completely let go

Show this little movement to your friends and bet them they can't catch the bill

Again, hold the bill in your right hand Let them (one at a time, of course) place their left hand loosely around the hanging bill Tell them to catchthe bill after you let go Say, “If you can catch the falling bill, it's yours to keep.”

They can't do it!

Why? In the time it takes your friends' eyeballs to register that the bill is falling, and for their brain to send out a second message to their handstelling them to grab, the bill has already dropped from their grasp Gravity works too fast in this case, faster than human reflexes

The reason you are able to catch the bill is because your brain knows when you are about to release the bill Your friends, however, don't havethat “insider” information

Tips: The bill should be crisp If it is not new, fold a crease in the bill lengthwise

Instruct your friends not to grab the bill until they see you let go

After practicing this trick, try it with a 10- or 20-dollar bill (if you dare!)

HAVING A BALL

What has 18 legs, spits, and catches flies?

A baseball team.

Why did the football coach rip apart the pay telephone?

He was trying to get his quarterback.

“The great comics and comedians have been the ones who dared to mix comedy with tragedy.”

— Robin Tyler

(Who does Tyler think are great comics? Charlie Chaplin, Carol Burnett, Lily Tomlin, and Richard Pryor.)

Which football team travels with the most luggage?

Fullback: I'm sick, Coach The doctor says I can't play football

Coach: I don't need a doctor to tell me that!

Why is bowling cheaper than playing golf?

Because in bowling, no matter how badly you play, you can never lose the ball!

“What do you call your dad when he water skis in the winter?”

“A Popsicle.”

“What does your mom call him?”

“Crazy!”

“Did you hear about the scuba diver who heard music underwater?”

“Was it a singing fish?”

“No, a coral group.”

A college star fullback played with his team for 12 years!

He could run and tackle — he just couldn't pass.

What do you call a basketball player's pet chicken?

A personal fowl.

What do you get when a soccer player kicks a duck?

Someone who foots the bill.

Did you hear about the football coach who got his teeth knocked out?

He was showing a new player how to kick the ball He held it on the ground and said, “Now when I nod my head, kick it!”

Caddie: This isn't a watch It's a compass!

Did you hear about the billionaire who bought his kid 10 new golf clubs?

Each of them comes with a swimming pool and a private parking lot.

What is the quietest sport in the world?

Bowling You can hear a pin drop.

What's the noisiest sport in the world?

Tennis There's always a racket on the court.

Why is a baseball stadium such a cool place to be?

It's full of fans!

Did you hear about the quarterback who beat up his receiver every morning?

The quarterback gets up at six, and the receiver gets up at seven.

Golfer: Boy, the traps on this golf course are sure annoying

Pro: I'll say, so would you please shut yours?

I heard there was a baseball team that won without ever putting a man on base

Yeah, it was an all-girl team!

“There are two things the golf pro will not eat for breakfast.”

“Really, what are they?”

“Lunch and dinner.”

Why didn't the golfer wear his new shoes on the course today?

Because yesterday he got a hole in one.

Little Rosie was telling her friend about all the places her family had lived “We must have lived in ten different towns since I was a baby.” Her friendwas impressed and asked, “Is your dad a minister or in the Army?” “Neither,” said Rosie, “he's a football coach.”

A fellow took his younger brother to the golf course with his pals The younger boy thought he'd play his first game He watched all the older boys teeoff, and then stepped up to hit the ball

“ONE!” he yelled, as he swung at the ball

His brother rolled his eyes and said, “Why didn't you yell ‘Fore’ like the rest of us?”

The boy said, “You aim at whichever hole you want, I'm trying to hit the first one.”

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”

— Will Rogers

Why was Cinderella such a lousy soccer player?

She had a pumpkin for a coach.

A mother brought her daughter to the golf course for the first time

“What are those guys doing over there?” she asked her mother

“They're checking out the sand traps.”

“Cool, let's go see if they caught any.”

Caddie: Here's a lost ball I found out on the course

Caddie: Because they were still looking for it when I left

Golfer: Any idea how I could cut about ten strokes off my game?

Caddie: Yeah, quit on the seventeenth hole.

VIDEO QUIPS (PUNNY NAMES)

Car Wars

directed by Otto Mobile

Cliff Hanger

directed by Ben Dover and Hugo First

I Was a Teenage Werewolf

directed by Anita Shave

Under the Bleachers

directed by Seymour Butts

Summer Vacation

directed by Sandy Beech

Explode!

directed by Adam Bomm

The Fortune Teller

directed by Horace Cope

Escape from New York

directed by Willy Makit

Escape from New York, Part Two

directed by Betty Will

Saved by the Bell

directed by Justin Tyme

Jokin' Around

The Expanding Envelope

Tell your friends that you can walk through an envelope That's right! Through an envelope No one will believe you, but that's never stoppedyou before

First, seal your envelope Next, using scissors, carefully cut the envelope along the lines shown below Cut into the body of the envelope andthe sides … NOT the ends

You will be able to carefully unfold your cut envelope into a much larger hoop Step through the hoop See, you've done it again!

Seeing Dead People

directed by Freyda Thudark

Who Wants To be a Zillionaire?

directed by Sherwood B Nice

The Pizza Guy

directed by Ann Chovey

Scary Movie

directed by Hans Archer Throte

Incredible Airplane Crashes!

directed by Isaac DeMye Stumick

Rock-and-Roll Prom

directed by Tristan Shout

The Last Video Game

directed by Joyce Tick

King of Comedy

directed by Shirley U Jest

Lost Treasure

directed by Barry Deep

The Ghost Screams at Midnight

directed by Waylon Mone

Night of the Cat Burglar

directed by Jimmy DeLock

“The role of the comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.”

— Lenny Bruce

Dinosaur Park

directed by Tara Dacktill

Revenge of the Mad Cow

directed by I C Hanz

Chickens Run

directed by Iona Farm

Return of the Zombies

directed by Doug Moregraves

All Those Dogs!

directed by Hunter and Juan del Mayshuns

GAGS AND GIGGLES

The dim-witted terrorist was sent out to blow up a car He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe

Two boys went to the movies After the film had already started, they both got up and walked to the concession stand for some popcorn and sodapop When they walked back into the darkened theater, one of the boys said to a man sitting on the aisle, “Excuse me, sir, but did we step on yourtoes on the way out?”

“You certainly did,” said the man

The boy turned to his friend and said, “Okay, this is our row.”