Technology allows food to be produced in greater quantities and at the lower prices

In this essay I will discuss on one side about the positive aspects of this change state and on the other side I will focus on the negative points of this development before expressing m

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Technology allows food to be produced in greater quantities and at the lower prices Some people believe this is a positive development, while others feel that the change is harmful Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Original answer

Nowadays the food industry offers a larger amount of nutriment than in the past decades Not only the offer is more spread but also so price have been decreasing more and more In this essay I will discuss on one side about the positive aspects of this change state and on the other side I will focus

on the negative points of this development before expressing my opinion

To begin with, we can observe that thanks to the food industry, which has been investing money

to search solutions to optimize the yield of the foodstuff, the population have a better access to the food market In some countries, where the nutriments were extremely basic, today people can cook with a large number of nutriments than in the last decades Indeed, this means an healthier diet with more diversity and during all the year Moreover, if a part of the population has allergies, she will access to a large panel of products to replace the problematic one

Whereas, this huge improvement present some negative aspects Firstly, the food development causes impacts on the environmental building Forest, which are vital for the nature balance have been destroyed to grow up some corn For instance, in Brazil they cut the forest to obtain some palm oil Besides, in some cases, pesticides are used to gain more productivity without measuring the consequence on the one hand of the human view and on the other hand of the biodiversity For example, some pesticides can produce heavy damage on the health of the farmer and cause cancers,

as survey have proved Also, they produce undue collateral effects on plants in the neighbourhood

To sum up, technology is not black or white After weighing the cons andpros of this evolution I have to admit that large progress have been achieved for the food access and the price However

we need rules and laws to ensure a sustainable development to prevent environmental damages and global health problem due to the pesticides and the food market

(337 words)

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Corrected answer

Nowadays the food industry offers a larger amount of nutriment than in the past decades Not only

the offer is more spread but also so price have been decreasing more and more In this essay I will

discuss on one side about the positive aspects of this change state and on the other side I will focus

on the negative points of this development before expressing my opinion

To begin with, we can observe that thanks to the food industry, which has been investing money

to search solutions to optimize the yield of the foodstuff, the population have a better access to the

food market In some countries, where the nutriments were extremely basic, today people can cook

with a largenumber of nutriments than in the last decades Indeed, this means an healthier diet

with more diversity and during all the year Moreover, if a part of the population has allergies, she

will access to a large panel of products to replace the problematic one [This focuses on a wider

variety of food that's not exactly suggested on the topic it's talking more about quantities of food

rather than varieties In addition you haven't addressed price which is mentioned in the topic

Whereas, this huge improvement present some negative aspects Firstly, the food development

causes impacts on the environmental building Forests, which are vital for the nature balance have

been destroyed to grow up some corn For instance, in Brazil they cut the forest to obtain some

palm oil Besides, in some cases, pesticides are used to gain more productivity without measuring

the consequence on the one hand of the human view and on the other hand of the biodiversity For

example, some pesticides can produce heavy damage on the health of the farmer [better here to

talk about the negative influence on people who eat the food] and cause cancers, as survey have

proved Also, they produce undue collateral effects on plants in the neighbourhood

To sum up, technology is not black or white After weighing the cons andpros of this evolution I

have to admit that large progress have been achieved for the food access and the price However

we need rules and laws to ensure a sustainable development to prevent environmental damages

and global health problem due to the pesticides and the food market

Commented [DN17]: the influence of technology

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Estimated

Grade

Task

response

Có nghĩa là các bạn phải viết 2 vế dưới đây

“Some people believe this is a positive development, while others feel that the change is harmful”

Tuy nhiên, còn 1 vấn đề nữa bạn cần phải nói là đó là phần đầu của câu hỏi bạn phải cover luôn nếu muốn trả lời full câu hỏi

“Technology allows food to be produced in greater quantities and at the lower prices”

Nếu viết, mình sẽ có dàn bài như thế này:

Body 1 – positive

 Idea 1 – greater quantities => giúp giải quyết tình trạng thiếu lương thực ở nhiều nước

 Idea 2 – at the lower prices => giúp có bửa ăn chất lượng hơn, đặc biệt là người nghèo

Body 2 – negative

 Idea 1 – greater quantities => harm the nature, chặt cây, tăng farming

 Idea 2 – lower prices => may relate to low quality Trong bài viết ở trên, tác giả highlight lên phần DISADVANTAGES

và OPINION khá tốt, tuy nhiên phần ADVANTAGES lại thiếu mất Idea lower prices Vì thế điểm sẽ bị giảm xuống mức 6.0

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Cohesion

and

coherence

6 Bạn có structure rõ rang, chia các paragraphs ra thành INTRO,

BODIES và CONCLU, như vậy sẽ giúp người đọc dễ dàng bám sát

bài hơn

Tuy nhiên, có quá nhiều cụm từ gây confused cho người đọc Bạn nên

bỏ hẳng những từ này:

 In this essay I will discuss on one side about the positive aspects of this change state and on the other side I will focus

on the negative points of this development before expressing

my opinion

 Besides, in some cases, pesticides are used to gain more productivity without measuring the consequence on the one hand of the human view and on the other hand of the biodiversity

 Whereas, this huge improvement present

Mình thường viết dạng này câu là “This essay will discuss both sides

of the argument and then, state my opinion that I strongly agree with the first viewpoint” câu này rất rõ rang, và sẽ giúp bạn đạt điểm tuyệt

đối trong việc HIGHLIGHT những cái bạn sẽ viết và cho người đọc

biết OPINION của bạn

Vocabular

y

6 Đây là lỗi rất phổ biến trong việc học viết essay, các bạn thường form

những câu vô nghĩa bằng cách tự ghép theo cách hiểu của Vietnamese sang, và dĩ nhiên là “lành ít dữ nhiều” Đễ fix lỗi này mình khuyên các bạn hãy siêng đọc essays mẫu, lấy câu cú và phrases trong đó và áp dụng trong bài mình, chứ đừng tự make up câu, từ mới

 Not only the offer first of the is more spread widespread but also so the price have has been decreasing more and more

 Access to a large panel range of products to replace the problematic one

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 consequence on the human view humans

 After weighing the cons and pros of this evolution situation I have to admit believe that

Grammar 5-6 Lỗi grammar quá nhiều trong bài viết tác giả đã cố gắng sử dụng

những câu phức, và đa dạng cấu trúc câu, tuy nhiên dung nhiều không

có nghỉa là dung đúng Mọi người có thể thấy những điểm ngữ pháp dơn giản như A/ AN cũng sai nhiều

 but also so the price have has been decreasing more and more Indeed, this means an a healthier diet with more diversity and during all of the year

 Moreover, if a part of the population has allergies, she they will

have access to a large

 panel range of products to replace the problematic one

 Indeed, this means an a healthier diet with more diversity and during all of the year

 Moreover, if a part of the population has allergies, she they will

have access to a large range of products to replace the problematic one

Overall 5.5 – 6.0 Bài viết khá ổn trong IDEAS, và STRUCTURE, tuy nhiên về phần

VOCABULARY và GRAMMAR thì quá nhiều lỗi sai