Tuyệt kỹ làm bài writing điểm cao và band điểm

For instance, a student who is friendless because he or she dresses differently from other students in school may feel angry and resentful about the negative treatment and may expressed

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This writer presents a clearly focused description with effective details and rich sensorylanguage.

Strong Points:

1 Powerful opening paragraph

2 Fully elaborated, memorable details

3 Rich sensory images and figurative language

4 Effective organization

5 Good sentence variety

Our Tree

Green flows everywhere in our backyard until it hits the maple tree that

siz-zles in the sun and overpowers everything around it Even though the tree

grows high into the sky, its tangled limbs and stiff base are cemented in the

ground by muscular roots The maple stands alone next to a swamp The two

sit so close together they’re like the best of friends A sleepy green hill makes

the final member of the group With the tangled maple as leader, this team

borders our land and separates us from our neighbors

The bark of the maple is a surprise the moment you touch it—a

combina-tion of bumpy and smooth Because another tree leans on it, all the branches

explode from one side, leaving the other side bare They look as though they

want to escape from the other trees

From the branches, blazing red and fiery orange leaves pop out everywhere,

and behind them, pale green and sunshine yellow leaves fill in the rest of the

tree Here and there dead brown leaves mingle with the others to remind us of

what is in store Already the leaves are falling as the air grows colder and

win-ter draws near The tree will soon be bare, but for now it burns the ground

and lightens the sky for everyone to see

 Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Description • 21

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Scoring Model for Description

1 Limited sensory language

2 Few visual details

3 Limited vocabulary

4 Sentence structure errors

A Work of Art

For generations, the women in my family kept a quilt The quilt was kept in

the third house of the Morris family in Denver The quilt was priceless, and

ev-erybody admired it

My great, great, great, great great grandmother started it with a first

patch The first patch that she sewed was a star She later passed the work to

her daughter, and her daughter passed it to her daughter, and so on

When I first saw the quilt, I was seven years old I was so happy I cried I

was stunned with joy as were my mom and dad They had seen the quilt

be-fore, but my sister has never seen it because she was born after we moved

away

The quilt had over 350 patches of all different materials and different

pic-tures Each patch represented a story of something that happened during

that time

My aunt’s house held the quilt, she was the oldest and most trusted

mem-ber of the family She took very good care of the quilt It was kept in a glass

case with a lock on it The glass was hard to break My aunt had a great pride

and protected it very well

When we left Denver, the quilt was still at my aunt’s Today I have no idea

where it is It could be with her still, or it could be somewhere else I hope it

is still with her so that, when I go back to Colorado I can see it, and if I have a

daughter my daughter can make a patch

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This writer presents a disorganized description with limited elaboration; its strong points areoutweighed by its problem points.

Strong Points:

1 Good visual details

2 Simple sentence structures

Problem Points:

1 Poor organization

2 Distracting grammatical errors

3 Uninteresting word choices

4 Spelling errors

5 Limited elaboration

6 No introduction; abrupt ending

The Dress for Me

First, in every weding, you need to decide on your wedding dress My

dream weding dress has beeds all over the train and the gown and the top

part of the gown has a design of waves moving and the train of the gown has

a little design on the end of it The vail the part of the dress that goes over

your head sits on your head like a crown and then the rest of it goes down

the back of your head On the gown there is also embroderie Then the part of

the vail that sits on your forhead is lined with lace, or beeds that look like

pearls, and with leaves that hock into your hair The dress will be long with a

train that goes way back I will have a flower girl hold it That is what my

wed-ding dress would look like

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Score 1

This writer’s attempts to write an effective description are unsuccessful

Problem Points:

1 Flat language

2 Lack of sensory details and figurative language

3 Simplistic sentence structure

4 Distracting errors of grammar, usage, spelling, and punctuation

5 No introduction or conclusion

My Tree

Deep in the woods behind my house there it Stands the tall, thin Oak tree!

My tree lives next to 3 other oak trees, 2 pine trees and a big rock lays

be-tween 2 of the oak trees My tree is surounded by grass and weeds My tree is

in a gully like type thing My tree is all differant sizes and shapes, it goes left,

right, left, and then right again Its long and Skiny

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This writer presents a creative description that offers rich details and a unified impression ofits subject.

Strong Points:

1 Clear, well-elaborated details

2 Strong, interesting images

3 Logical, effective organization

4 Unified, coherent impression

5 Contains strong, sensory language

6 Few errors in grammar punctuation, or spelling

On Track

Three more races before it’s my turn to take the track for my team The

but-terflies in my stomach begin to flutter as I commence my usual twenty-second

stretches My legs extend as I pull each ankle up behind me one at a time, and

the tense muscles in my firm hamstrings are momentarily relaxed Without

bending my knees, I touch my fingers to my toes to relieve my calves of their

tightness The pungent, icy fragrance of menthol, liberated from the ocean blue

Mineral Ice gel being used by all of the girls saturates the tepid air

I sit quietly One race is ending and there is only one more before mine I

quickly go to my dad, who is down by the track He unties and reties my blue

and black sprinting shoes with the neon yellow Nike signs on the sides and

black rubber sole with small rubber spikes He does it much better than I

would have, pulling just tight enough, tying a double knot, and tucking the

laces inside my shoes so I don’t trip

“First call for the 200 meter,” says an amplified voice on a megaphone Oh,

my goodness, that’s my race! At the first call, I step over to the sign-up table to

see if I can reserve myself in my favorite lane, lane 3 Unfortunately, the

orga-nizers have already put me in lane 2 Oh, well

“Second call for the 200 meter.” At this call, I start warming up again,

jump-ing up and down quickly and runnjump-ing in place to stretch my legs out once

more

“Last call for the 200 meter.” Oh, boy, this is it!

I approach the 200-meter starting line, which is right before the track’s

sec-ond curve In the background, I hear, “Come on, Elisabeth, you can do it!” The

pressure is on! I take off my jacket and throw it in the grass, then walk over to

my lane I set my feet in the metal blocks My most nervous feeling hits me

now This anticipation is killing me! The person with the starting gun steps up

“Runners take your mark!” I get down and spread my arms out to the topmost

corners of the inside of my lane A million things run through my mind But I

try to keep myself focused I keep my head down and my body in a static

posi-tion “Get set!” I arch my back and bring my head up to face front at the same

time Two seconds of silence go by Suddenly, BANG! I spring out of the lane,

starting with two big steps to get out of the blocks Immediately I’m rounding

the curve, where I gain the lead I’m thinking of nothing but getting to the

fin-ish line as fast as I can Everybody and everything is blocked out of my senses

I don’t hear anything except my own voice in my head and my coach’s voice,

saying, “Come on, Elisabeth! All the way!”

The finish line is about ten meters away I push my body to its limit, as my

quadriceps begin swerving a little bit I bend my upper body slightly over the

finish line as I pass it, still in running mode

Description—Score 4 (continued)

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Exhausted, I run about ten more meters until I come to a slow jog My

team-mates are with me now, hugging me and congratulating me My teammate,

who was running the race with me, and I tied for first place Yes! I’d rather win

with a teammate than without her! My breathing is extremely hard and my

strained quadriceps are shaking I raise my arms so I’ll breathe easier and shut

my eyes for a moment Very proud of our victory, my teammate and I approach

our coach to be greeted with “Great running ladies!” The pressure is over, until

the next track meet!

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This writer presents a description that is well-organized, highly detailed, and memorable.

Strong Points:

1 Focused description of subject

2 Innovative, amusing point of view

3 Abundant, vividly descriptive details

Problem Points:

1 Lacks some organization

2 Slightly diffuse impression of subject

3 Errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar

4 Uneven use of elaboration

One Place to Another

Dear Mom,

Replying to your previous letter, I have found a home for myself past a

bunch of leaves, up a flight of stairs, through a tall front door, to the left, down

a hall, and through another doorway Being a room of fairly high stature, I am

finding it to be a fairly nice house I am inhabited by a young boy, Adam

Turner by name

Placed on my right side is a Victorian desk It once had little labels stuck on,

made of removable tape, but now they are strewn around the base

On top of this desk, there is a rough sheet of protective paper, complete with

scribbles, doodles, and math equations galore, overlapping for years (made

with the vast sea of pens, pencils, and other tools of artistic intentions)

Across me, on my left side, stands a bed A bright, silver sheet of fabric

hangs from the upper bunk, opaque on the outside, but virtually transparent

from the bed

Ten years of stuffed animals lie past the “ladder” (actually fat, built-in

shelves) on the upper bed They are pulled down when they are needed for any

sort of occasion At the foot of the bed squat large olive green crates, stacked

high with knickknacks, marbles, pillows, rainbow cellophane, books, and

tissues

Blocked by the crates is my closet, stuffed and stacked with more bulky

green crates from Adam’s monthly room cleaning The twine light string leads

to a single, dim light bulb When pulled, it reveals two sets of shelves, filled

with selected “stuffies,” as Adam calls them

The first set holds books Little scraps of paper once tried to organize them,

but they are now in the same condition as the desk labels The books are

thrown about the bookcase, some upright, some sideways, some crammed in

so tight you’d need a tool to get them loose The second set holds items

ac-cording to shelf The top shelf holds anything that looks the least bit like a

trea-sure: a chest full of silver dollars, lost teeth, and rolls of money, a Venetian

mask box, and Chinese “healthy balls.” There are some fuses, paper scraps,

and other bits, too The second shelf houses toys—wire puzzles and flying

birds, loose cards, and such The third shelf is the home of board games

Crammed into the tight space, Adam managed to stuff quite a few games in

Objects with no other place are positioned on the top of these closet shelves,

between the small circus lamp and the CD player Beside the CD player sits,

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Description—Score 3 (continued)

of course, the CDs Only classical Adam can’t stand to listen to anything but

classical I miss rap music

In the clothes department, there is this big chest of drawers The top drawer

is used for holding Adam’s comic strips, and messes of clothes that have gotten

lost on their way to the hooks At the bottom back of the drawers is a hole, half

against the desk, which collects rubber balls and pencils Quite bothersome for

him, I imagine, but entertaining for me

My floor of me is actually incredibly clean, and, yes, I am much better since

my surgery for the glass door Sorry I didn’t write sooner

Much love,

A Room

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This writer presents a detailed but imprecise description of the subject.

Strong Points:

1 Plentiful details

2 Contains figurative language

3 Some focus on creating main impression

Problem Points:

1 Unclear and poorly composed sentences

2 Imprecise use of words

3 Overwrought language and imagery

4 Illogical organization

5 Inappropriate use of figurative language

6 Errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling

Sails in the Sunset

The sun sets on her majestical deck, giving her a radiance glow for all to feel

admiration As she begins to dance, her cadance ingulfs her awaiting audience

while they gaze in astonishment and appreciation Her grace and beauty steal

the attention from her associates As she retrieves her passengers, with a

quickness she abruptly leaves her admirers breathless and awaiting in

anticipa-tion for her next arrival She then glides down the bay All around her is

serene and comforting, yielding an appealing array of nature from the

thunder-ous waves that create an energetic symphony orchestrated by melodithunder-ous winds

beating at her sails to her aluring, flamboiant colors that pierce the eye with

en-ticement As she continues to sail down the bay, as hauty and proud as she

made her arrival, she gives her guests a view of approaching asthetics

The entire senerio is nothing short of a natural wonderland The sky is

com-plete with exotic birds that form a bevy among the deep ocean of the heavens

Their sonorous melodies blend with nature’s chorus and fill the sky with

pleas-ant arias The inhabitpleas-ants of the water, are in an apparent confluence with one

another and seem pleased with the warmth of the blooming sun All of God’s

creatures now share their existence and desire to bathe in the sun’s warmth

Trees are in full, voluptuous bloom and sway in time with the wind Together,

along with the intense deep waters, they form an exquisit mural of Mother

Nature

Slowly the sun raises higher to project an ardent beam upon all From the

boat, the whole world seems static as if nothing even matters All tranquility

and peace have become the heart, while encompassing everything Further in

the distant, we now see other boats, as if idly awaiting for her arrival She

smoothly struts down the bay proudly exhibiting her lavish feetures Her sails

boast numerous flags at an aloof height Her refined body sparkels from the

sun’s rays And her sturdy stance guides her with dignity and honor down the

bay Her presence is truly dramatic and overwhelming

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Score 1

This writer’s attempts to present a description are unsuccessful

Problem Points:

1 Unclear purpose for writing

2 Unfocused details with no dominant impression

3 Confusing organization and progression of thoughts

4 No figurative language

5 No sensory language or details

6 Many errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling

7 Some poor sentence structure

Super Time

The one object from the past that thoghroly shows my family was in the form

of a round woodin table My brothers and I had our own task for preparing the

table for the meals One got the plates, another got the napkens, the last got

the eating utensels This was a rare ocations that I worked together with my

brothers My dad filed the bowls, my mother coked the rest of the meal Before

she finished my brothers and me set at the table wating for the fest Our

mother usally brot the food in large plates and bowls as we set wating After we

started eating, I think how lucky I am in my wunderful family and feel closer to

my parents and brothers than any time Sometimes when I was done with my

potatos, I would get secunds even when I was not hungry so I could set with

my family longer After I was finish I always thank my mother so everyone

leave the table and the bond is broken

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This writer presents a well-organized cause-and-effect essay with elaboration, effective ulary, and a clear writing style.

vocab-Strong Points:

1 Clearly stated purpose

2 Consistent organizational strategy

3 Full elaboration

4 Appropriate word choices

5 Clear transitions

6 Consistently linked causes and effects

7 Very few mechanical errors

8 Effective conclusion

The Emancipation Proclamation: Lincoln Under Stress

“If my name ever goes into history, it will be for this act.”

—Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln’s understanding of the huge stakes involved in the

Eman-cipation Proclamation caused him to make the statement above The effect of

the Emancipation Proclamation was a major change in the ways of a great

nation

From reading Lincoln, A Photobiography by Russell Freedman, we see that

there were many causes for the Emancipation Proclamation and that it had

important results However, it was one of the many tough decision Lincoln

had to make alone because his generals would not make them during the

American Civil War At first, Lincoln wanted to ignore slavery because it was

so controversial Lincoln just wanted to keep the states as one united nation

He was afraid that freeing slaves would cause southerners to start their own

nation Since people called abolitionists put pressure on Lincoln, as well as

the whole nation, to free slaves, Lincoln was afraid he would lose many

north-ern supporters of the Civil War if he didn’t do something about slavery So he

came up with the idea of paying southerners the price of their slaves if they

would set them free and stay in the union He also knew this would cause

many ex-slaves to join the Union Army It badly needed able-bodied men

be-cause the North was losing the war against the secessionist states

President Lincoln really opposed slavery himself, but he feared releasing

slaves because the border states like Kentucky and Missouri were on the Union

side and still had slaves He hoped that emancipation would begin in the border

states and spread south as states were conquered Then the slaves could be

re-settled in Africa or Central America He was afraid that freeing all slaves would

cause those border states to turn to the cause of the South to get their slaves

back

The effect of this plan was a large protest from the border state

congress-men These states needed slaves to run their plantations and they would not

change their way of life

Lincoln still wanted to do the right thing, but he wasn’t sure the president

even had the authority to free slaves Some senators advised him he could

be-cause it was wartime and the union was in danger Freeing slaves would

weaken the South so it would be a war strategy He would be acting as

commander-in-chief of the army Therefore, Lincoln was convinced to

pro-clame the end of slavery in all states that did not come back into the union by

a certain date This would make the border states happy, and he would work

for emancipation later in a way fair to those states that returned

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Exposition: Cause-and-Effect Essay—Score 4 (continued)

One problem was that the North was still losing the war and ending slavery

would look like an act of desperation So he waited until the North won a

sig-nificant battle at Antietam When he issued the proclamation in September,

1862, it caused all Black people and abolitionists to rejoice Another result

was that several Union Army Black regiments were quickly formed

The war was causing Lincoln much stress He was tired and his hand

shook as he signed the Emancipation Proclamation with a gold pen But this

act of bravery by the weary president had the effect of freeing millions of men,

women, and children from slavery, and Lincoln became a hero

 Prentice-Hall, Inc Scoring Models for Exposition: Cause-and-Effect Essay • 39

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This writer presents a well-organized cause-and-effect essay with some elaboration and propriate examples.

ap-Strong Points:

1 Clearly stated purpose

2 Sequential organization linking causes and effects

3 Elaborated cause-and-effect relationships

4 Few mechanical errors

Problem Points:

1 Insufficient explanation of some examples

2 Vague references

3 Verb tense inconsistency

4 Some spelling errors

5 Some run-on sentences

Lincoln Frees the Slaves

Abraham Lincoln had a hard time deciding what to do about slavery at the

time of the Civil War in America He knew down deep that he wanted everyone

to be free and so he wrote the Emancipation Proclamation There are many

causes for his writing the Emancipation Proclamation, and there were many

effects from it

One cause was Lincoln’s personal opposition to slavery Therefore, it was

nearly a sure thing that the Emancipation Proclamation would come about

some day Another cause was that the North needed soldiers in the army

Freeing slaves would supply many many soldiers for armies Also some people

believed that human freedom is as important as a united nation A large

num-ber of people believed the freedom of the southern slaves was important just

because they all believed in freedom itself

These diversities in belief about freedom and slavery were one of the causes

that led Lincoln to say he opposed slavery when the Civil War began This

lead to his popularity in the North during the war It also had the effect of

leading to Lincoln’s assasination by a Confederate slavery believer This was

an extremely sad event

Early in the war Lincoln had a plan for a proclamation to abolish slavery

which he discussed with some of his friends and some of them agreed to the

plan while some did not He listened to one of his cabinet secretaries who said

he should not carry out his plan because it would look like an act of

despara-tion At that time the North was losing the war and the secretary told Lincoln

he should try later if the North is winning

Although Lincoln was an open minded man who was not afraid to say what

he thought he did wait until the Union Army won a big battle As a result of

the victory, he signed the Emancipation Proclamation with a gold pen in an

impressive ceremony

These were all causes for the Emancipation Proclamation which freed the

slaves and ended a war We learn from the past and change the future The

ef-fects of the proclamation are still felt today The South had lost people to pick

cotten and the way of life would change alot from the days of the big

planta-tions The slaves were free and would begin making their way up in the world

in education and economics Lincoln himself would be long honored for the

part he played in the freedom of slaves even to the present day All these are

important effects of his signing of the Emancipation Proclamation

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Scoring Model for Exposition: Cause-and-Effect Essay

2 Some attempt at cause-and-effect reasoning

3 Some elaboration of details

Problem Points:

1 Lacks statement of purpose

2 Illogical progression of main points; unclear exposition

3 Missing transitions

4 Extraneous material

5 Many mechanical errors

Lincoln Gets His Wish

When Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, one effect Lincoln

had was to get his wish—slavery demolished One cause was abolitionists

tell-ing Lincoln he had to do it

I learned more about slaves People bought slaves so they could have huge

farms and have peoples to do all thee work to raze crops The white people

who ownd slaves got rich and powerful while the slaves had no money or

name and when slaves had babies the owners got free workers Slaves werent

educated be cus they not alowed to learn or read or anything

One cause of the Civil War was that Lincoln didn’t want the south to be

there own country The north need more troops so they need to free the

slaves Human freedom is exactly what we fought for when we fought the

brit-ish Just like the Civil war

A main cause was that Lincoln opposed slavery He knowed it was wrong

and there shouldn’t be slavery so he did something, he thought it was not

fare that people were treated different

Before Lincoln died in assasintion, he wrote the Emancipation

proclama-tion Lincoln sined the proclamation and all slaves were freed Some joined

the norths army and gave up their lives for the country Lincoln is also gave

up his life while serving the country as a great president who helped all

peo-ple have freedom

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This writer’s efforts to write an effective cause-and-effect essay are unsuccessful.

5 Vague and confusing pronoun references

6 Grammatical and mechanical errors

7 Poor relation of conclusion to main points

Ending Slavery

Russell Freedman wrote a story about A Lincoln and made it into a book

with many pictures called “Lincoln: A Photobiography.” I write about how A

Lincoln freed slavery The reason he want to them becuse the union army

need peoples to fight the south Slaves could join the army but the south

want to keep slaves to work

The Civil War was started by Lincoln to keep the states in the contry and

over slavery then he changed his mind and some men got after him to free

slaves and make the emancipation proclamation The south react to this and

they beome the Confedrate States The Confedrate and the union the got back

together because since they were so worked up about a limited nation,

human freedom had equal importence

This war hapened a long time ago In the end the north side won the war

on Lincolns side So there wasnt no slavery And then Lincoln died with a

note that went a little like this If my name go down in history, it shall be for

this.” Something like that And then he sadly died

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Score 4

This writer presents a clear, well-elaborated cause-and-effect essay with a consistent zational strategy and effective examples

organi-Strong Points:

1 Clearly identifies audience and purpose in the thesis statement

2 Clear, logical organizational strategy

3 Successfully connects and elaborates on cause-and-effect ideas

4 Transitions between paragraphs

5 Varied sentence structure

7 Precise language

Factors Contributing to School Violence

According to Webster’s Dictionary, violence is defined as “physical force

used so as to injure, damage, or destroy” or “the unjust or callous use of force

or power as in violating another’s rights, sensibilities, etc.” Under this

defini-tion, fist-fighting, name-calling, vandalism, and property theft can all qualify

as acts of violence, since each of these acts violates a person’s rights These

acts are typically the forms of violence experienced by students in school The

causes of such acts of violence may be as varied as the students who commit

them However, according to news reports and articles on the subject, there

appear to be three significant factors that may serve as catalysts for violence:

a tumultuous family history, peer group rejection, and inability to deal with

anger or aggression All these factors may play a role in the increased

inci-dence of school violence

Emotional and combative family disputes in a student’s home may lead to

violent school behavior on the part of that student Family issues, such as an

unstable child-parent relationship, can place serious emotional burdens on

the student For example, if the student has argued with a parent about

rights or responsibilities in the morning before school begins, that student

may arrive at school in a combative mood As a result, the student may

initi-ate arguments or engage in otherwise destructive behavior Disruptions in the

student’s home life, therefore, may result in disruptions at school

Students may also engage in violent behavior because of rejection by their

peers Such rejection may cause the students to take out their frustrations in

violent acts For instance, a student who is friendless because he or she

dresses differently from other students in school may feel angry and resentful

about the negative treatment and may expressed these feelings through

physi-cal violence Violence may be the student’s means of attaining revenge or it

may bolster his or her self-esteem to physically assert superiority over a

younger or weaker student Thus, destructive peer relationships may increase

the level of violence in schools

The idea that students who are rejected by their peer groups may turn to

vi-olence to alleviate their anger and frustration relates to a final possible cause

for the increase in school violence: bullying The aggressive nature of school

bullies also contributes to the increased number of violent school incidents

Bullies emotionally and physically taunt weaker, less aggressive students to

bolster their own low self-esteem As a result, bullies are also a major factor

in why school violence has increased in recent years

Each of these factors that cause school violence—a difficult family life, peer

rejection, and school bullies—has its basis in a student’s inability to deal with

a difficult situation without resorting to violence In many cases, schools can

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professional therapists, may enable students to learn how to cope in a

nonvio-lent way Students may also benefit from participating in peer meditation

groups, where other students trained in peaceful mediation techniques can

help to defuse a tense situation In addition, presentations by professionals in

the field of psychology or sociology may provide a valuable source of

informa-tion for students and teachers in coping with violent school incidents Finally,

in extreme cases, it may be an option to find an alternative means of

educat-ing severely disruptive students

Whatever method school officials choose to implement in order to reduce

the number of violent episodes in school, it is important for them to keep in

mind why students are violent in order to determine how to stop this

destruc-tive and sometimes tragic behavior

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2 Clearly stated purpose for writing

3 Some organizational strategy

4 Clearly linked causes and effects

5 Good conclusion

Problem Points:

1 Lacks full elaboration and specific examples

2 Some inconsistencies in organization

3 Run-on sentences and fragments

4 Grammar, spelling, and mechanical errors

Analyzing the Reasons

In the wake of serious incidents of school violence in Colorado, Arkansas,

and Kentucky, many people have begun to analyze the reasons for such

terri-ble outbursts in order to develop methods to prevent them from ever

happen-ing again There are a wide variety of reasons to explain why students behave

violently But three reasons include dissatisfaction with one’s peer group,

jeal-ousy or rivalry with school peers, or problems at home Any of these factors

can lead to a violence episode at school

Sometimes, teens feel isolated from and rejected by other students in their

grade or class, this isolation may arise because the rejected teen looks, acts,

or speaks differently then the majority of the students While the teen does

feel hurt by the rejection of the other students, this hurt can turn to

resent-ment and anger When the resentresent-ment and anger becomes too much to

han-dle, the teenager may translate it into a violent act Like fighting

An inability to deal with feelings of intense jealousy of another student at

school Whether it is over sports, academics, or personal issues like

appear-ance, may also be a source of increased school violence A student can feel

in-secure about his or her own abilities and appearance and jealousy can

channel these insecurities onto a specific person who seems to be superior

When the jealous student can no longer handle these strong feelings, he or

she may start a fight with the student who is the object of the jealousy In an

effort to get rid of them

Finally, many teenagers bring their family problems to school in the form of

disrespectful or agressive behavior Such difficult home experiences like

con-tinuous arguments or destructive behavior take an emotional toll on the teen,

the teen also does not have a good role model of positive ways to interact with

people in difficult situations As a result, when the teen is faced with a

diffi-cult situation in school, he or she will argue or fight rather than find a way to

resolve the situation peacefully

As you can see, school violence is a complicated issue, which can occur for

a variety of reasons Peer rejection, jealousy, and family difficulties are only

three sources for school violence Although knowing the sources of school

vio-lence can help school officials to develop methods to prevent it Since these

three cause of school violence have a basis in emotional issues, school

offi-cials may want to consider developing a special counceling program as a way

to help students to cope with their violence feelings in a positive way Perhaps

in this way, school violence can be reduced

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While this writer presents an organized cause-and-effect essay, its weaknesses outweigh itsstrengths.

Strong Points:

1 Some organization

2 Some valid cause-and-effect statements

Problem Points:

1 No clear purpose or thesis statement

2 Misses target audience

3 Inconsistency in organizational strategy

4 Weak conclusion

5 Numerous grammar, spelling, and mechanical errors

Causes of School Violence

In the past several years, there have violent incidents in schools all over the

country School violence has increased for different reasons Some not even

re-lated to school Unhappiness with a peer group, school achievement, or home

life are the reasons

For many students, how happy they are in school depends on if they have

lots of friends If they feel like they are popular, they feel good about

them-selfs and they don’t make trouble But if a student feels like an outcast and

no one really likes them, that students resentment can grow until it becomes

a violent episod

School achievement can also lead to violent behavior When a student does

poorly in school, that student may take out there frustrations by fighting with

other students

Last, although it is not directly related to events in school, a hard home life

can lead to trouble at school Arguments between parents and children can

turn into arguments and fights at school They take thier anger that they are

not alowed to show at there parents out on people at school

We need to do something about school violence one thing we can do is help

kids by giving them counseling about how to deal with their problems, maybe

then there will be a decrease of violence in schools

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3 Lacks organizational strategy

4 Few, unelaborated links

5 Poor use of language

6 Lacks a conclusion

7 Many errors in sentence structure, spelling, and mechanics

School Violence

School violence has increased for many reasons such as, a ruff time at

home, bullying, and being jelous of people

One reasons why there is more school violence in school is because the

stu-dent who come to school have a roiugh home life They and there parents

rgue a lot The student come to school still angry over the fight with them

An-other reason, there is more school violence is because there is bullies who

pick on weaker student When the weak student fight back more violence

ha-pens The last reason for school violence is jelousy One student is jelous of

another clothes, jewelry, etc, and they fights over it, like to prove who is

bet-ter So these is the reasons there is violence in school

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This writer presents a clear, well-elaborated cause-and-effect essay with a consistent zational strategy and effective examples.