101 reasons why it’s great to be a woman

101 reasons why it’s great to be a woman tài liệu, giáo án, bài giảng , luận văn, luận án, đồ án, bài tập lớn về tất cả...

Printed and bound in Great Britain

Edited by Elizabeth Kershaw

To Be A Woman

and Brilliant Birds.

In short, to Everywoman

d’etre: that, and pulling the poor specimens (which, let’s face it, is pitifully easy).

As modern women we can have it all – great job, girly lippy, power suit, fluffy mules, sensitive new New Man, booze-fuelled nights out with the girls – and, armed with a copy of this book, you can justify it, if anyone (a man) counters you.

If we’re short, we can wear heels

If we’re plagued with acne, we can shovel

on copious amounts of make-up

and get away with it

We can have babies.

If we do decide to have a baby we don’tnecessarily have to be permanently up toour eyes in ‘cute’ baby sick and stinkingnappies: ‘I can’t believe it, you’re such aNeanderthal What do you mean, you don’t

Since the advent of feminism, we canpublicly ogle male naked bodies and not

be called sexist If a man indulges in thisbehaviour over a picture of a naked woman,

he is a sexist pig, and recompense must bedemanded for this slight on womankind

We can demand pressies, chocolate

and flowers to settle a

For women, the enjoyment of a nightout is considerably increased by

a communal girlie visit to thatsocial forum called a toilet

We don’t have to worry about thesize of our genitalia, and whether

we are hanging to the left or right

of the crotch of our trousers

We have three times the amount ofpotential sick leave Take into account allthose days you are unable to work owing

to pre, during and post menstrual tension

We can be devastatingly intelligentand yet act dumb and coy when it suits

us in order to get our own way (especiallywith members of the less gifted sex)

problems on the fact thataptitude with technology is not afeminine attribute, don’t you

know

We have more erogenouszones than men.

We have an excuse to justify aninordinate indulgence in bitchiness:it’s clearly feminine intuition.

1) His ego.

You will just need a pin to prick it

2) His goolies.

You will need a knee or sharpheel (depending on the extent ofthe crime against femininity) to

jab them

Places on a man to inflict most

pain:

3) His magazines

You will need some matches and asmall clearing in which toperform a ritual burning of his

You will need a criminally shortskirt, stockings and suspenders

in which to a) drive him insanewith desire and b) drive himinsane with horror when you wear

it to meet his mother

We can always get out of theboring household and maintenancetasks by claiming that it’s men’s

work

We don’t believe that there is adirect link between our sexualprowess and getting a high score

on Super Mario Kart

We always have an excuse forbeing out of shape Sagging bum?

‘That’ll be the baby.’ Flabbytum? ‘Time of the month, you

selfish pig.’

A woman uses the part of her bodyabove the shoulders to think.

A man makes his decisions led bythe part of his body below the

belt

The vague promise of sheets action (with no necessaryintention to fulfil it) will haveany man leaping to attention– To

between-the-do the menial tasks you want him

to, that is

Breasts, on us, are beautiful, toppedwith useful, working nipples On men,they are repugnant and redundant.

Men are not allowed to be sexistbut must still be chivalrous.

Ladies first Always

Horoscopes in women’s magazinesalways say nice things about us and

the state of our sex lives

We can drink delicious and highlycolourful cocktails In public.Without getting punched.

We understand the mechanism

behind a toilet seat

It too, is subject to gravity

Girls’ Nights Out.

A girl’s night out means social interactionand discussion A boy’s night out consists

of such scintillating conversation as

‘Who’s getting the pints in, then?’

The contents of our bathroom cabinetsare creative works of art, numberingaround roughly 600 items ofvarious colours and smells.

We don’t have to plan ourSaturday night around thefootball highlights.

We can wear a man’s clothes and looksexy and waif-like If a man tries thiswith our attire he looks ridiculousand is liable to get beaten up.

Women’s sex drive just keeps on climbingthe older we get For men, it’s alldownhill after twenty-five.

Having a baby means paid holiday,both before, during and after youdrop the sprog (and additional timefor ‘adjustment for the newautonomous individual’, of course).

Women are intelligent, perceptiveand caring The only men that aresensitive, loving and good lookingare the ones with boyfriends.

We don’t, when drunk, feel the need

to expose our buttock cheeks tothe bitter elements, or to writeour names, organically, in the snow

(lippy, leg wax, vodka andtonics) Men have not, and asthey get older the toys becomeincreasingly sillier, moreexpensive and unworkable Also, aman won’t ever be able to use thegadget, but will never admit it.

‘Secret support’

lycra tights

We get drunk more easily andless expensively than men.

Women think and notice Our world

is more enriched as a result,

the TV remote control like anextension of our genitalia.

We always have a ticket to ride.

If you’re feeling skint, but fancy a new pair

of shoes/expensive truffles etc, start anargument with a man Said itemswill materialise within twenty-

four hours

We are discerning We don’t have sexwith a man just because he is breathing.

To be funny, we don’t have to

We can earn more than our partnerand still not be expected to bethe main provider (leaving allthe more to spend on essentialssuch as clothes and shoes).

Communication in a relationship

means a man agrees witheverything a woman says

aware Men, on the other hand,turn into balding wannabe

Casanovas attempting to salvagesome irrevocably lost youth

by wearing shirts open to thewaist to reveal coarse, greyingchest hair, and pinching younger

women’s bums

We know the real value of money;

it is measured in the amount oflippy, clothes, and wine we canpurchase without becoming (too)

overdrawn

Women are far more mature than

We can use our vast accumulated

data about men’s pastmisdemeanours, at will, to win anargument, get our own way,provoke the buying of gifts, etc

We can wear pink without ourmates calling us a girly wuss.

Men are malleable, unformed rawmaterial, just waiting for women

to mould them into a bettermodel We are virtuoso artistswhen it comes to this type of

canvas

We always have an excuse to gorgeourselves on vast amounts ofchocolate It’s due to hormones/

PMT, obviously

Shopping is a spiritual

experience

We can take over men’s lives byproduct power: tampax in hisbathroom, lippy in his car,knickers in his drawers, purses

in his pocket when we go out

We are expected to be late foreverything However, we can

change fuses, set the video, but

we just have much better ways of

spending our time

Curry strength competitions andthe ensuing bottom misery is notsomething we feel we have to do

in front of our mates to look

good

Women have an amazing capacity

to remember wrong doings,especially those of men

We don’t have to worry aboutwhether we will be able to get

our genitals ‘up’

A woman’s naked body is beautiful.

A man’s naked body is laughable

We don’t have to worryabout premature ejaculation.

Having wolfed down a family-sizedtub of Häagen-Dazs, we cansuddenly go all weak when facedwith the prospect of luggingshopping bags back from the

Men are basically squeamishbabies We can freak them outjust by mentioning the ‘p’ word,and they turn green at the

thought of tampax

girlfriend will happily agreethat the ex-boyfriend who justdumped you is definitely gay,and no, of course your bumdoesn’t look big in that; theskin-tight red leatheraccentuates all your good points.

Our orgasms last longer than a man’s.

Women’s hairlines don’t startreceding after they hit their

twenties

A woman has curves.

Men just have beer bellies

Chocolate is not just a snack;

it is a necessary ritual and

a sensory experience

We have the capacityfor multiple orgasms.

We don’t have to resort tocheesy chat-up lines to get laid.

Girls’ Nights In.

Complaining and over-analysing,contrary to masculine opinion,

is not paranoia It is fun

We can wear jewellery without

looking like a dodgyCosta del Sol medallion man

We live longer than men:

1) And therefore get to annoythe younger generation for longer

We live longer than men:

2) And this means (ching, ching)inheritance and life insurance

We don’t have to worry aboutgetting our genitals stuck in our

flies

It is ridiculously easy for us to

score

When we explode our computers:a) no one is cross with us, b) we don’tfeel inadequate in our femininityand c) we can act the coquettewith the man who comes to fix it.

We can be modern, independent women.But men still have to pick up thebill in a restaurant, of course.

We can have, and justify having,

a toy boy: men are most rampant

in their late teens and earlytwenties, while women are attheir peak later in life Menwith younger women just look like

The gynaecological excuse forskiving off work is neverquestioned by male bosses.

Women have ways of beingseated first by thewaiter in a restaurant.

Women have ways of extendingtheir overdrafts Again.

Women have ways of getting

Women have ways ofgetting taxis to stop.

Italian waiters, on holiday in

We never have to fiddlewith a reeking BBQ– Men see it

as a test of machismo

computers and IT terms; it isendearing when we lazily callbits of technology ‘thingy’.

It is not a social death for us

in charge of the world’s

population

It is extremely rare for a woman

conversation: football, cars and sex.And they don’t know as much asthey claim to about any of them.Women have an infinite reserve ofchat topics, and don’t feel theneed to exaggerate their

knowledge to their mates

Women don’t need to lie or tobrag about their sexualconquests They are too busymaking the conquests.

by a man to do any of the above(even after he’s slaved over ameal in the kitchen), is sexistand demeaning and should be metwith: ‘Have you never heard offeminism? The suffragettes didn’tchain themselves to railings justfor fun, you know.’ Etc, etc.

Our friends don’t rituallyhumiliate us to prove that they

like us

The phone is our friend andanother member of our socialcircle, not just a functionaltool to inform our mates of the

name of the next pub

Our jokes are amusing and consist

of a wider choice of vocabulary than

‘bird’, ‘big’ and ‘boobs’

Alimony