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They are fashioned of hard-burned little bricks, red, with black ends, so that the walls look like a chess-boardupon a great scale.. Betweeneach cabbage and the time-piece, again, is a l

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Title: The Works of Edgar Allan Poe

Volume 4 (of 5) of the Raven Edition

Author: Edgar Allan Poe

Release Date: May 19, 2008 [EBook #2150] Last Updated: March 31, 2012

Language: English

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK

THE WORKS OF EDGAR ALLAN POE ***

Produced by David Widger

THE WORKS OF EDGAR ALLAN

POE

IN FIVE VOLUMES

VOLUME FOUR

The Raven Edition

CONTENTS

THE DEVIL IN THE BELFRYLIONIZING

X-ING A PARAGRAPH

METZENGERSTEIN

THE SYSTEM OF DOCTORTARR AND PROFESSORFETHER

HOW TO WRITE ABLACKWOOD ARTICLE

THE BUSINESS MAN

THE LANDSCAPE GARDENMAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYERTHE POWER OF WORDS

THE COLLOQUY OF MONOSAND UNA

THE CONVERSATION OFEIROS AND CHARMION

SHADOW—A PARABLE

THE DEVIL IN THE

BELFRY

What o'clock is it?—Old Saying.

EVERYBODY knows, in a generalway, that the finest place in the world is—

or, alas, was—the Dutch borough ofVondervotteimittiss Yet as it lies somedistance from any of the main roads, being

in a somewhat out-of-the-way situation,there are perhaps very few of my readerswho have ever paid it a visit For thebenefit of those who have not, therefore, itwill be only proper that I should enter intosome account of it And this is indeed themore necessary, as with the hope of

enlisting public sympathy in behalf of theinhabitants, I design here to give a history

of the calamitous events which have solately occurred within its limits No onewho knows me will doubt that the dutythus self-imposed will be executed to thebest of my ability, with all that rigidimpartiality, all that cautious examinationinto facts, and diligent collation ofauthorities, which should ever distinguishhim who aspires to the title of historian

By the united aid of medals,manuscripts, and inscriptions, I amenabled to say, positively, that theborough of Vondervotteimittiss hasexisted, from its origin, in precisely thesame condition which it at presentpreserves Of the date of this origin,

however, I grieve that I can only speakwith that species of indefinite definitenesswhich mathematicians are, at times, forced

to put up with in certain algebraicformulae The date, I may thus say, inregard to the remoteness of its antiquity,cannot be less than any assignable quantitywhatsoever

Touching the derivation of the nameVondervotteimittiss, I confess myself,with sorrow, equally at fault Among amultitude of opinions upon this delicatepoint—some acute, some learned, somesufficiently the reverse—I am able toselect nothing which ought to beconsidered satisfactory Perhaps the idea

of Grogswigg—nearly coincident withthat of Kroutaplenttey—is to be cautiously

preferred.—It runs:—"Vondervotteimittis

—Vonder, lege Donder—Votteimittis,quasi und Bleitziz—Bleitziz obsol:—proBlitzen." This derivative, to say the truth,

is still countenanced by some traces of theelectric fluid evident on the summit of thesteeple of the House of the Town-Council

I do not choose, however, to commitmyself on a theme of such importance, andmust refer the reader desirous ofinformation to the "Oratiunculae de RebusPraeter-Veteris," of Dundergutz See, also,Blunderbuzzard "De Derivationibus," pp

27 to 5010, Folio, Gothic edit., Red andBlack character, Catch-word and NoCypher; wherein consult, also, marginalnotes in the autograph of Stuffundpuff,with the Sub-Commentaries ofGruntundguzzell

Notwithstanding the obscurity whichthus envelops the date of the foundation ofVondervotteimittis, and the derivation ofits name, there can be no doubt, as I saidbefore, that it has always existed as wefind it at this epoch The oldest man in theborough can remember not the slightestdifference in the appearance of anyportion of it; and, indeed, the verysuggestion of such a possibility isconsidered an insult The site of thevillage is in a perfectly circular valley,about a quarter of a mile in circumference,and entirely surrounded by gentle hills,over whose summit the people have neveryet ventured to pass For this they assignthe very good reason that they do notbelieve there is anything at all on the otherside.

Round the skirts of the valley (which isquite level, and paved throughout with flattiles), extends a continuous row of sixtylittle houses These, having their backs onthe hills, must look, of course, to thecentre of the plain, which is just sixtyyards from the front door of eachdwelling Every house has a small gardenbefore it, with a circular path, a sun-dial,and twenty-four cabbages The buildingsthemselves are so precisely alike, that onecan in no manner be distinguished from theother Owing to the vast antiquity, the style

of architecture is somewhat odd, but it isnot for that reason the less strikinglypicturesque They are fashioned of hard-burned little bricks, red, with black ends,

so that the walls look like a chess-boardupon a great scale The gables are turned

to the front, and there are cornices, as big

as all the rest of the house, over the eavesand over the main doors The windowsare narrow and deep, with very tiny panesand a great deal of sash On the roof is avast quantity of tiles with long curly ears.The woodwork, throughout, is of a darkhue and there is much carving about it,with but a trifling variety of pattern for,time out of mind, the carvers ofVondervotteimittiss have never been able

to carve more than two objects—a piece and a cabbage But these they doexceedingly well, and intersperse them,with singular ingenuity, wherever theyfind room for the chisel

time-The dwellings are as much alike inside

as out, and the furniture is all upon one

plan The floors are of square tiles, thechairs and tables of black-looking woodwith thin crooked legs and puppy feet Themantelpieces are wide and high, and havenot only time-pieces and cabbagessculptured over the front, but a real time-piece, which makes a prodigious ticking,

on the top in the middle, with a flower-potcontaining a cabbage standing on eachextremity by way of outrider Betweeneach cabbage and the time-piece, again, is

a little China man having a large stomachwith a great round hole in it, throughwhich is seen the dial-plate of a watch

The fireplaces are large and deep, withfierce crooked-looking fire-dogs There isconstantly a rousing fire, and a huge potover it, full of sauer-kraut and pork, to

which the good woman of the house isalways busy in attending She is a little fatold lady, with blue eyes and a red face,and wears a huge cap like a sugar-loaf,ornamented with purple and yellowribbons Her dress is of orange-coloredlinsey-woolsey, made very full behind andvery short in the waist—and indeed veryshort in other respects, not reaching belowthe middle of her leg This is somewhatthick, and so are her ankles, but she has afine pair of green stockings to cover them.Her shoes—of pink leather—are fastenedeach with a bunch of yellow ribbonspuckered up in the shape of a cabbage Inher left hand she has a little heavy Dutchwatch; in her right she wields a ladle forthe sauerkraut and pork By her side therestands a fat tabby cat, with a gilt toy-

repeater tied to its tail, which "the boys"have there fastened by way of a quiz.

The boys themselves are, all three ofthem, in the garden attending the pig Theyare each two feet in height They havethree-cornered cocked hats, purplewaistcoats reaching down to their thighs,buckskin knee-breeches, red stockings,heavy shoes with big silver buckles, longsurtout coats with large buttons of mother-of-pearl Each, too, has a pipe in hismouth, and a little dumpy watch in hisright hand He takes a puff and a look, andthen a look and a puff The pig—which iscorpulent and lazy—is occupied now inpicking up the stray leaves that fall fromthe cabbages, and now in giving a kickbehind at the gilt repeater, which the

urchins have also tied to his tail in order

to make him look as handsome as the cat.Right at the front door, in a high-backedleather-bottomed armed chair, withcrooked legs and puppy feet like thetables, is seated the old man of the househimself He is an exceedingly puffy littleold gentleman, with big circular eyes and

a huge double chin His dress resemblesthat of the boys—and I need say nothingfarther about it All the difference is, thathis pipe is somewhat bigger than theirsand he can make a greater smoke Likethem, he has a watch, but he carries hiswatch in his pocket To say the truth, hehas something of more importance than awatch to attend to—and what that is, Ishall presently explain He sits with his

right leg upon his left knee, wears a gravecountenance, and always keeps one of hiseyes, at least, resolutely bent upon acertain remarkable object in the centre ofthe plain.

This object is situated in the steeple ofthe House of the Town Council The TownCouncil are all very little, round, oily,intelligent men, with big saucer eyes andfat double chins, and have their coatsmuch longer and their shoe-buckles muchbigger than the ordinary inhabitants ofVondervotteimittiss Since my sojourn inthe borough, they have had several specialmeetings, and have adopted these threeimportant resolutions:

"That it is wrong to alter the good oldcourse of things:"

"That there is nothing tolerable out ofVondervotteimittiss:" and—

"That we will stick by our clocks andour cabbages."

Above the session-room of the Council

is the steeple, and in the steeple is thebelfry, where exists, and has existed timeout of mind, the pride and wonder of thevillage—the great clock of the borough ofVondervotteimittiss And this is the object

to which the eyes of the old gentlemen areturned who sit in the leather-bottomedarm-chairs

The great clock has seven faces—one

in each of the seven sides of the steeple—

so that it can be readily seen from allquarters Its faces are large and white, and

its hands heavy and black There is abelfry-man whose sole duty is to attend toit; but this duty is the most perfect ofsinecures—for the clock ofVondervotteimittis was never yet known

to have anything the matter with it Untillately, the bare supposition of such a thingwas considered heretical From theremotest period of antiquity to which thearchives have reference, the hours havebeen regularly struck by the big bell And,indeed the case was just the same with allthe other clocks and watches in theborough Never was such a place forkeeping the true time When the largeclapper thought proper to say "Twelveo'clock!" all its obedient followersopened their throats simultaneously, andresponded like a very echo In short, the

good burghers were fond of their kraut, but then they were proud of theirclocks.

sauer-All people who hold sinecure officesare held in more or less respect, and asthe belfry—man of Vondervotteimittisshas the most perfect of sinecures, he is themost perfectly respected of any man in theworld He is the chief dignitary of theborough, and the very pigs look up to himwith a sentiment of reverence His coat-tail is very far longer—his pipe, his shoe

—buckles, his eyes, and his stomach, veryfar bigger—than those of any other oldgentleman in the village; and as to hischin, it is not only double, but triple

I have thus painted the happy estate ofVondervotteimittiss: alas, that so fair a

picture should ever experience a reverse!There has been long a saying among thewisest inhabitants, that "no good can comefrom over the hills"; and it really seemedthat the words had in them something ofthe spirit of prophecy It wanted fiveminutes of noon, on the day beforeyesterday, when there appeared a veryodd-looking object on the summit of theridge of the eastward Such an occurrence,

of course, attracted universal attention,and every little old gentleman who sat in aleather-bottomed arm-chair turned one ofhis eyes with a stare of dismay upon thephenomenon, still keeping the other uponthe clock in the steeple

By the time that it wanted only threeminutes to noon, the droll object in

question was perceived to be a verydiminutive foreign-looking young man Hedescended the hills at a great rate, so thatevery body had soon a good look at him.

He was really the most finicky littlepersonage that had ever been seen inVondervotteimittiss His countenance was

of a dark snuff-color, and he had a longhooked nose, pea eyes, a wide mouth, and

an excellent set of teeth, which latter heseemed anxious of displaying, as he wasgrinning from ear to ear What withmustachios and whiskers, there was none

of the rest of his face to be seen His headwas uncovered, and his hair neatly done

up in papillotes His dress was a fitting swallow-tailed black coat (fromone of whose pockets dangled a vastlength of white handkerchief), black

tight-kerseymere knee-breeches, blackstockings, and stumpy-looking pumps,with huge bunches of black satin ribbonfor bows Under one arm he carried ahuge chapeau-de-bras, and under the other

a fiddle nearly five times as big ashimself In his left hand was a gold snuff-box, from which, as he capered down thehill, cutting all manner of fantastic steps,

he took snuff incessantly with an air of thegreatest possible self-satisfaction Godbless me!—here was a sight for the honestburghers of Vondervotteimittiss!

To speak plainly, the fellow had, inspite of his grinning, an audacious andsinister kind of face; and as he curvettedright into the village, the old stumpyappearance of his pumps excited no little

suspicion; and many a burgher who beheldhim that day would have given a trifle for

a peep beneath the white cambrichandkerchief which hung so obtrusivelyfrom the pocket of his swallow-tailedcoat But what mainly occasioned arighteous indignation was, that thescoundrelly popinjay, while he cut afandango here, and a whirligig there, didnot seem to have the remotest idea in theworld of such a thing as keeping time inhis steps

The good people of the borough hadscarcely a chance, however, to get theireyes thoroughly open, when, just as itwanted half a minute of noon, the rascalbounced, as I say, right into the midst ofthem; gave a chassez here, and a balancez

there; and then, after a pirouette and a de-zephyr, pigeon-winged himself right upinto the belfry of the House of the TownCouncil, where the wonder-strickenbelfry-man sat smoking in a state ofdignity and dismay But the little chapseized him at once by the nose; gave it aswing and a pull; clapped the big chapeaude-bras upon his head; knocked it downover his eyes and mouth; and then, lifting

pas-up the big fiddle, beat him with it so longand so soundly, that what with the belfry-man being so fat, and the fiddle being sohollow, you would have sworn that therewas a regiment of double-bass drummersall beating the devil's tattoo up in thebelfry of the steeple ofVondervotteimittiss

There is no knowing to what desperateact of vengeance this unprincipled attackmight have aroused the inhabitants, but forthe important fact that it now wanted onlyhalf a second of noon The bell was about

to strike, and it was a matter of absoluteand pre-eminent necessity that every bodyshould look well at his watch It wasevident, however, that just at this momentthe fellow in the steeple was doingsomething that he had no business to dowith the clock But as it now began tostrike, nobody had any time to attend to hismanoeuvres, for they had all to count thestrokes of the bell as it sounded

"One!" said the clock

"Von!" echoed every little oldgentleman in every leather-bottomed arm-

chair in Vondervotteimittiss "Von!" saidhis watch also; "von!" said the watch ofhis vrow; and "von!" said the watches ofthe boys, and the little gilt repeaters on thetails of the cat and pig.

"Two!" continued the big bell; and

"Doo!" repeated all the repeaters

"Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight!Nine! Ten!" said the bell

"Dree! Vour! Fibe! Sax! Seben! Aight!Noin! Den!" answered the others

"Eleven!" said the big one

"Eleben!" assented the little ones

"Twelve!" said the bell

"Dvelf!" they replied perfectlysatisfied, and dropping their voices.

"Und dvelf it is!" said all the little oldgentlemen, putting up their watches Butthe big bell had not done with them yet

"Thirteen!" said he

"Der Teufel!" gasped the little oldgentlemen, turning pale, dropping theirpipes, and putting down all their right legsfrom over their left knees

"Der Teufel!" groaned they, "Dirteen!Dirteen!!—Mein Gott, it is Dirteeno'clock!!"

Why attempt to describe the terriblescene which ensued? AllVondervotteimittiss flew at once into a

lamentable state of uproar.

"Vot is cum'd to mein pelly?" roared allthe boys—"I've been ongry for dis hour!"

"Vot is com'd to mein kraut?" screamedall the vrows, "It has been done to rags forthis hour!"

"Vot is cum'd to mein pipe?" swore allthe little old gentlemen, "Donder andBlitzen; it has been smoked out for dishour!"—and they filled them up again in agreat rage, and sinking back in their arm-chairs, puffed away so fast and so fiercelythat the whole valley was immediatelyfilled with impenetrable smoke

Meantime the cabbages all turned veryred in the face, and it seemed as if old

Nick himself had taken possession ofevery thing in the shape of a timepiece.The clocks carved upon the furniture took

to dancing as if bewitched, while thoseupon the mantel-pieces could scarcelycontain themselves for fury, and kept such

a continual striking of thirteen, and such afrisking and wriggling of their pendulums

as was really horrible to see But, worsethan all, neither the cats nor the pigs couldput up any longer with the behavior of thelittle repeaters tied to their tails, andresented it by scampering all over theplace, scratching and poking, andsqueaking and screeching, andcaterwauling and squalling, and flying intothe faces, and running under the petticoats

of the people, and creating altogether themost abominable din and confusion which

it is possible for a reasonable person toconceive And to make matters still moredistressing, the rascally little scape-grace

in the steeple was evidently exertinghimself to the utmost Every now and thenone might catch a glimpse of the scoundrelthrough the smoke There he sat in thebelfry upon the belfry-man, who was lyingflat upon his back In his teeth the villainheld the bell-rope, which he kept jerkingabout with his head, raising such a clatterthat my ears ring again even to think of it

On his lap lay the big fiddle, at which hewas scraping, out of all time and tune,with both hands, making a great show, thenincompoop! of playing "JudyO'Flannagan and Paddy O'Rafferty."

Affairs being thus miserably situated, I

left the place in disgust, and now appealfor aid to all lovers of correct time andfine kraut Let us proceed in a body to theborough, and restore the ancient order ofthings in Vondervotteimittiss by ejectingthat little fellow from the steeple.

———— all people went

Upon their ten toes in wild wonderment.

—Bishop Hall's Satires.

I am—that is to say I was—a great man;but I am neither the author of Junius northe man in the mask; for my name, Ibelieve, is Robert Jones, and I was bornsomewhere in the city of Fum-Fudge

The first action of my life was thetaking hold of my nose with both hands

My mother saw this and called me agenius: my father wept for joy andpresented me with a treatise on Nosology

This I mastered before I was breeched.

I now began to feel my way in thescience, and soon came to understand that,provided a man had a nose sufficientlyconspicuous he might, by merelyfollowing it, arrive at a Lionship But myattention was not confined to theoriesalone Every morning I gave my proboscis

a couple of pulls and swallowed a halfdozen of drams

When I came of age my father asked me,one day, If I would step with him into hisstudy

"My son," said he, when we wereseated, "what is the chief end of yourexistence?"

"My father," I answered, "it is the study

"And can you tell me," he demanded,

"what is the meaning of a nose?"

"A nose, my father;" I replied, greatlysoftened, "has been variously defined byabout a thousand different authors." [Here

I pulled out my watch.] "It is now noon orthereabouts—we shall have time enough

to get through with them all beforemidnight To commence then:—The nose,according to Bartholinus, is that

protuberance—that bump—thatexcrescence—that—"

"Will do, Robert," interrupted the goodold gentleman "I am thunderstruck at theextent of your information—I ampositively—upon my soul." [Here heclosed his eyes and placed his hand uponhis heart.] "Come here!" [Here he took me

by the arm.] "Your education may now beconsidered as finished—it is high timeyou should scuffle for yourself—and youcannot do a better thing than merelyfollow your nose—so—so—so—" [Here

he kicked me down stairs and out of thedoor]—"so get out of my house, and Godbless you!"

As I felt within me the divine afflatus, Iconsidered this accident rather fortunate

than otherwise I resolved to be guided bythe paternal advice I determined tofollow my nose I gave it a pull or twoupon the spot, and wrote a pamphlet onNosology forthwith.

All Fum-Fudge was in an uproar

"Wonderful genius!" said the Quarterly

"Superb physiologist!" said theWestminster

"Clever fellow!" said the Foreign

"Fine writer!" said the Edinburgh

"Profound thinker!" said the Dublin

"Great man!" said Bentley

"Divine soul!" said Fraser