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Title: My Discovery of England

Author: Stephen Leacock

Commentator: Owen Seaman

Release Date: February 12, 2009 [EBook

#3532]

Language: English

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK

MY DISCOVERY OF ENGLAND ***

Produced by Gardner Buchanan, The Distributed Proofers Team, and David Widger

MY DISCOVERY

OF ENGLAND

1922

By Stephen Leacock

VI The British and the American PressVII Business in England Wanted—

More Profiteers

VIII

Is Prohibition Coming to England?

IX "We Have With Us To-night"

X Have the English any Sense ofHumour?

Introduction of Mr Stephen Leacock Given

by Sir Owen Seaman on the Occasion of His First Lecture in

London

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: It isusual on these occasions for the chairman

to begin something like this: "The lecturer,

I am sure, needs no introduction from me."And indeed, when I have been the lecturerand somebody else has been the chairman,

I have more than once suspected myself ofbeing the better man of the two Of course

I hope I should always have the goodmanners—I am sure Mr Leacock has—todisguise that suspicion However, one has

to go through these formalities, and I willtherefore introduce the lecturer to you

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr.Stephen Leacock Mr Leacock, this is theflower of London intelligence—orperhaps I should say one of the flowers;the rest are coming to your other lectures

In ordinary social life one stops at anintroduction and does not proceed topersonal details But behaviour on theplatform, as on the stage, is seldomordinary I will therefore tell you a thing

or two about Mr Leacock In the first

place, by vocation he is a Professor ofPolitical Economy, and he practiseshumour—frenzied fiction instead offrenzied finance—by way of recreation.There he differs a good deal from me,who have to study the products of humourfor my living, and by way of recreationread Mr Leacock on political economy.

Further, Mr Leacock is all-British,being English by birth and Canadian byresidence, I mention this for two reasons:firstly, because England and the Empireare very proud to claim him for their own,and, secondly, because I do not wish hisnationality to be confused with that of hisneighbours on the other side For Englishand American humourists have not alwaysseen eye to eye When we fail to

appreciate their humour they say we aretoo dull and effete to understand it: andwhen they do not appreciate ours they say

we haven't got any

Now Mr Leacock's humour is British

by heredity; but he has caught something ofthe spirit of American humour by force ofassociation This puts him in a similarposition to that in which I found myselfonce when I took the liberty of swimmingacross a rather large loch in Scotland.After climbing into the boat I was in theact of drying myself when I was accosted

by the proprietor of the hotel adjacent tothe shore "You have no business to bebathing here," he shouted "I'm not," I said;

"I'm bathing on the other side." In the sameway, if anyone on either side of the water

is unintelligent enough to criticise Mr.Leacock's humour, he can always say itcomes from the other side But the truth isthat his humour contains all that is best inthe humour of both hemispheres.

Having fulfilled my duty as chairman, inthat I have told you nothing that you didnot know before—except, perhaps, myswimming feat, which never got into thePress because I have a very bad publicityagent—I will not detain you longer fromwhat you are really wanting to get at; butask Mr Leacock to proceed at once withhis lecture on "Frenzied Fiction."

MY DISCOVERY

OF ENGLAND

I The Balance of Trade

in Impressions

FOR some years past a rising tide oflecturers and literary men from Englandhas washed upon the shores of our NorthAmerican continent The purpose of eachone of them is to make a new discovery ofAmerica They come over to us travelling

in great simplicity, and they return in theducal suite of the Aquitania They carryaway with them their impressions ofAmerica, and when they reach Englandthey sell them This export of impressionshas now been going on so long that thebalance of trade in impressions is all

disturbed There is no doubt that theAmericans and Canadians have been toogenerous in this matter of giving awayimpressions We emit them with thecareless ease of a glow worm, and likethe glow-worm ask for nothing in return.

But this irregular and one-sided traffichas now assumed such great proportionsthat we are compelled to ask whether it isright to allow these people to carry awayfrom us impressions of the very highestcommercial value without giving us anypecuniary compensation whatever Britishlecturers have been known to land in NewYork, pass the customs, drive uptown in aclosed taxi, and then forward to Englandfrom the closed taxi itself ten dollars'worth of impressions of American

national character I have myself seen anEnglish literary man,—the biggest, Ibelieve: he had at least the appearance ofit; sit in the corridor of a fashionable NewYork hotel and look gloomily into his hat,and then from his very hat produce anestimate of the genius of Amer ica attwenty cents a word The nice question as

to whose twenty cents that was neverseems to have occurred to him

I am not writing in the faintest spirit ofjealousy I quite admit the extraordinaryability that is involved in this peculiarsusceptibility to impressions I haveestimated that some of these Englishvisitors have been able to receiveimpressions at the rate of four to thesecond; in fact, they seem to get them

every time they see twenty cents Butwithout jealousy or complaint, I do feelthat somehow these impressions areinadequate and fail to depict us as wereally are.

Let me illustrate what I mean Here aresome of the impressions of New York,gathered from visitors' discoveries ofAmerica, and reproduced not perhapsword for word but as closely as I canremember them "New York", writes one,

"nestling at the foot of the Hudson, gave

me an impression of cosiness, of tinygraciousness: in short, of weeness." Butcompare this—"New York," according toanother discoverer of America, "gave me

an impression of size, of vastness; thereseemed to be a big ness about it not found

in smaller places." A third visitor writes,

"New York struck me as hard, cruel,almost inhuman." This, I think, wasbecause his taxi driver had charged himthree dollars "The first thing that struck

me in New York," writes another, "wasthe Statue of Liberty." But, after all, thatwas only natural: it was the first thing thatcould reach him

Nor is it only the impressions of themetropolis that seem to fall short ofreality Let me quote a few others taken atrandom here and there over the continent

"I took from Pittsburg," says an Englishvisitor, "an impression of something that Icould hardly define—an atmosphererather than an idea."

All very well, But, after all, had he theright to take it? Granted that Pittsburg has

an atmosphere rather than an idea, theattempt to carry away this atmospheresurely borders on rapacity

"New Orleans," writes another visitor,

"opened her arms to me and bestowedupon me the soft and languorous kiss ofthe Caribbean." This statement may ormay not be true; but in any case it hardlyseems the fair thing to mention it

"Chicago," according to another book

of discovery, "struck me as a large city.Situated as it is and where it is, it seemsdestined to be a place of importance."

Or here, again, is a form of

"impression" that recurs again and

again-"At Cleveland I felt a distinct note ofoptimism in the air."

This same note of optimism is foundalso at Toledo, at Toronto—in short, Ibelieve it indicates nothing more than thatsome one gave the visitor a cigar Indeed

it generally occurs during the familiarscene in which the visitor describes hiscordial reception in an unsuspectingAmerican town: thus:

"I was met at the station (called inAmerica the depot) by a member of theMunicipal Council driving his own motorcar After giving me an excellent cigar, heproceeded to drive me about the town, tovarious points of interest, including themunicipal abattoir, where he gave meanother excellent cigar, the Carnegie

public library, the First National Bank(the courteous manager of which gave me

an excellent cigar) and the SecondCongregational Church where I had thepleasure of meeting the pastor The pastor,who appeared a man of breadth andculture, gave me another cigar In theevening a dinner, admirably cooked andexcellently served, was tendered to me at

a leading hotel." And of course he took it.After which his statement that he carriedaway from the town a feeling of optimismexplains itself: he had four cigars, thedinner, and half a page of impressions attwenty cents a word

Nor is it only by the theft ofimpressions that we suffer at the hands ofthese English discoverers of America It is

a part of the system also that we have tosubmit to being lectured to by our talentedvisitors It is now quite understood that assoon as an English literary man finishes abook he is rushed across to America totell the people of the United States andCanada all about it, and how he came towrite it At home, in his own country, theydon't care how he came to write it He'swritten it and that's enough But inAmerica it is different One month afterthe distinguished author's book on TheBoyhood of Botticelli has appeared inLondon, he is seen to land in New Yorkvery quietly out of one of the backportholes of the Olympic That sameafternoon you will find him in an armchair

in one of the big hotels giving offimpressions of America to a group of

reporters After which notices appear inall the papers to the effect that he willlecture in Carnegie Hall on "Botticelli theBoy" The audience is assuredbeforehand It consists of all the peoplewho feel that they have to go because theyknow all about Botticelli and all thepeople who feel that they have to gobecause they don't know anything aboutBotticelli By this means the lecturer isable to rake the whole country fromMontreal to San Francisco with

"Botticelli the Boy" Then he turns round,labels his lecture "Botticelli the Man",and rakes it all back again All the wayacross the continent and back he emitsimpressions, estimates of nationalcharacter, and surveys of Americangenius He sails from New York in a blaze

of publicity, with his cordon of reportersround him, and a month later publishes hisbook "America as I Saw It" It is widelyread—in America.

In the course of time a veryconsiderable public feeling was aroused

in the United States and Canada over thisstate of affairs The lack of reciprocity in

it seemed unfair It was felt (or at least Ifelt) that the time had come when someone ought to go over and take someimpressions off England The choice ofsuch a person (my choice) fell uponmyself By an arrangement with theGeographical Society of America, acting

in conjunction with the RoyalGeographical Society of England (to both

of whom I communicated my proposal), I

went at my own expense.

It is scarcely feasible to give here fulldetails in regard to my outfit andequipment, though I hope to do so in alater and more extended account of myexpedition Suffice it to say that my outfit,which was modelled on the equipment ofEnglish lecturers in America, included acomplete suit of clothes, a dress shirt forlecturing in, a fountain pen and a silk hat.The dress shirt, I may say for the benefit

of other travellers, proved invaluable Thesilk hat, however, is no longer used inEngland except perhaps for scramblingeggs in

I pass over the details of my pleasantvoyage from New York to Liverpool.During the last fifty years so many

travellers have made the voyage acrossthe Atlantic that it is now impossible toobtain any impressions from the ocean ofthe slightest commercial value Myreaders will recall the fact thatWashington Irving, as far back as acentury ago, chronicled the pleasure thatone felt during an Atlantic voyage in idleday dreams while lying prone upon thebowsprit and watching the dolphinsleaping in the crystalline foam Since histime so many gifted writers haveattempted to do the same thing that on thelarge Atlantic liners the bowsprit has beenremoved, or at any rate a notice put up:

"Authors are requested not to lie prostrate

on the bowsprit." But even without thisadvantage, three or four generations ofwriters have chronicled with great

minuteness their sensations during thetransit I need only say that my sensationswere just as good as theirs I will contentmyself with chronicling the fact that duringthe voyage we passed two dolphins, onewhale and one iceberg (none of themmoving very fast at the time), and that onthe fourth day out the sea was so roughthat the Captain said that in forty years hehad never seen such weather One of thesteerage passengers, we were told, wasactually washed overboard: I think it wasover board that he was washed, but it mayhave been on board the ship itself.

I pass over also the incidents of mylanding in Liverpool, except perhaps tocomment upon the extraordinary behaviour

of the English customs officials Without

wishing in any way to disturb internationalrelations, one cannot help noticing therough and inquisitorial methods of theEnglish customs men as compared withthe gentle and affectionate ways of theAmerican officials at New York The twotrunks that I brought with me were draggedbrutally into an open shed, the strap of one

of them was rudely unbuckled, while thelid of the other was actually lifted at leastfour inches The trunks were then roughlyscrawled with chalk, the lids slammed to,and that was all Not one of the officialsseemed to care to look at my things or tohave the politeness to pretend to want to Ihad arranged my dress suit and mypyjamas so as to make as effective adisplay as possible: a New York customsofficer would have been delighted with it

Here they simply passed it over "Do openthis trunk," I asked one of the officials,

"and see my pyjamas." "I don't think it isnecessary, sir," the man answered Therewas a coldness about it that cut me to thequick

But bad as is the conduct of the Englishcustoms men, the immigration officials areeven worse I could not help being struck

by the dreadful carelessness with whichpeople are admitted into England Thereare, it is true, a group of officials said to

be in charge of immigration, but they knownothing of the discriminating careexercised on the other side of the Atlantic

"Do you want to know," I asked one ofthem, "whether I am a polygamist?"

"No, sir," he said very quietly.

"Would you like me to tell you whether

I am fundamentally opposed to any andevery system of government?"

The man seemed mystified "No, sir,"

he said "I don't know that I would."

"Don't you care?" I asked

"Well, not particularly, sir," heanswered

I was determined to arouse him fromhis lethargy

"Let me tell you, then," I said, "that I am

an anarchistic polygamist, that I amopposed to all forms of government, that Iobject to any kind of revealed religion,

that I regard the state and property andmarriage as the mere tyranny of thebourgeoisie, and that I want to see classhatred carried to the point where it forcesevery one into brotherly love Now, do Iget in?"

The official looked puzzled for aminute "You are not Irish, are you, sir?"

square miles, whereas the United States,

as every one knows, contains three and ahalf billion I mentioned this fact to anEnglish fellow passenger on the train,together with a provisional estimate of theAmerican corn crop for 1922: but he onlydrew his rug about his knees, took a sip ofbrandy from his travelling flask, and sankinto a state resembling death I contentedmyself with jotting down an impression ofincivility and paid no further attention to

my fellow traveller other than to read thelabels on his lug gage and to peruse theheadings of his newspaper by peepingover his shoulder

It was my first experience of travellingwith a fellow passenger in a compartment

of an English train, and I admit now that I

was as yet ignorant of the proper method

of conduct Later on I became fullyconversant with the rule of travel asunderstood in England I should haveknown, of course, that I must on noaccount speak to the man But I shouldhave let down the window a little bit insuch a way as to make a strong draught onhis ear Had this failed to break down hisreserve I should have placed a heavyvalise in the rack over his head sobalanced that it might fall on him at anymoment Failing this again, I could haveblown rings of smoke at him or stepped onhis feet under the pretence of looking out

of the window Under the English rule aslong as he bears this in silence you are notsupposed to know him In fact, he is notsupposed to be there You and he each

presume the other to be a mere piece ofempty space But let him once be driven tosay, "Oh, I beg your pardon, I wonder ifyou would mind my closing the window,"and he is lost After that you are entitled totell him anything about the corn crop thatyou care to.

But in the present case I knew nothing

of this, and after three hours of charmingsilence I found myself in London

II I Am Interviewed by

the Press

IMMEDIATELY upon my arrival inLondon I was interviewed by the Press Iwas interviewed in all twenty times I amnot saying this in any spirit of elation orboastfulness I am simply stating it as afact—interviewed twenty times, sixteentimes by men and twice by women But as

I feel that the results of these interviewswere not all that I could have wished, Ithink it well to make some publicexplanation of what happened

The truth is that we do this thing so

differently over in America that I was forthe time being completely thrown off mybearings The questions that I had everyright to expect after many years ofAmerican and Canadian interviews failed

to appear

I pass over the fact that beinginterviewed for five hours is a fatiguingprocess I lay no claim to exemption forthat But to that no doubt was due thesingular discrepancies as to my physicalappearance which I detected in theLondon papers

The young man who interviewed meimmediately after breakfast described me

as "a brisk, energetic man, still on theright side of forty, with energy in everymovement."

The lady who wrote me up at 11.30reported that my hair was turning grey,and that there was "a peculiar languor" in

my manner

And at the end the boy who took meover at a quarter to two said, "The oldgentleman sank wearily upon a chair in thehotel lounge His hair is almost white."

The trouble is that I had not understoodthat London reporters are supposed tolook at a man's personal appearance InAmerica we never bother with that Wesimply describe him as a "dynamo." Forsome reason or other it always pleaseseverybody to be called a "dynamo," andthe readers, at least with us, like to readabout people who are "dynamos," andhardly care for anything else

In the case of very old men wesometimes call them "battle-horses" or

"extinct volcanoes," but beyond thesethree classes we hardly venture ondescription So I was misled I hadexpected that the reporter would say: "Assoon as Mr Leacock came across thefloor we felt we were in the presence of a'dynamo' (or an 'extinct battle-horse' as thecase may be)." Otherwise I would havekept up those energetic movements all themorning But they fatigue me, and I did notthink them necessary But I let that pass

The more serious trouble was thequestions put to me by the reporters Over

in our chief centres of population we useanother set altogether I am thinking hereespecially of the kind of interview that I

have given out in Youngstown, Ohio, andRichmond, Indiana, and Peterborough,Ontario In all these places—for example,

in Youngstown, Ohio the reporter asks ashis first question, "What is yourimpression of Youngstown?"

In London they don't They seemindifferent to the fate of their city Perhaps

it is only English pride For all I knowthey may have been burning to know this,just as the Youngstown, Ohio, people are,and were too proud to ask In any case Iwill insert here the answer I had writtenout in my pocket-book (one copy for eachpaper—the way we do it in Youngstown),and which read:

"London strikes me as emphatically acity with a future Standing as she does in