The Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman, by Mary Russell Mitford This pot

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman, by Mary Russell Mitford This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatso

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman, by

Mary Russell Mitford

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with

almost no restrictions whatsoever You may copy it, give it away or

re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included

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Title: Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman Author: Mary Russell Mitford

Release Date: October 2, 2007 [EBook

#22844]

Language: English

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK

PHILLY FIRKIN ***

Produced by David Widger

MISS PHILLY

THE

CHINA-WOMAN.

By Mary Russell Mitford

In Belford Regis, as in many of thoseprovincial capitals of the south ofEngland, whose growth and importancehave kept pace with the increasedaffluence and population of theneighbourhood, the principal shops will

be found clustered in the close,inconvenient streets of the antique portion

of the good town; whilst the more showyand commodious modern buildings are

quite unable to compete in point of customwith the old crowded localities, whichseem even to derive an advantage from theappearance of business and bustleoccasioned by the sharp turnings, the steepdeclivities, the narrow causeways, thejutting-out windows, and the variousobstructions incident to the picturesquebut irregular street-architecture of ourancestors.

Accordingly, Oriel Street, in Belford,

—a narrow lane, cribbed and confined onthe one side by an old monasticestablishment, now turned into alms-houses, called the Oriel, which dividedthe street from that branch of the rivercalled the Holy Brook, and on the otherbounded by the market-place, whilst one

end abutted on the yard of a great inn, andturned so sharply up a steep acclivity thataccidents happened there every day, and

the other terminus wound with an equally

awkward curvature round the churchyard

of St Stephen's,—this most strait andincommodious avenue of shops was thewealthiest quarter of the Borough It was aprovincial combination of Regent Streetand Cheapside The houses let for doubletheir value; and, as a necessaryconsequence, goods sold there at prettynearly the same rate; horse-people andfoot-people jostled upon the pavement;coaches and phaetons ran against eachother in the road Nobody dreamt ofvisiting Belford without wantingsomething or other in Oriel Street; andalthough noise, and crowd, and bustle, be

very far from usual attributes of the goodtown, yet in driving through this favouredregion on a fine day, between the hours ofthree and five, we stood a fair chance ofencountering as many difficulties andobstructions from carriages, and as muchdin and disorder on the causeway as weshall often have the pleasure of meetingwith out of London.

One of the most popular and frequentedshops in the street, and out of all manner

of comparison the prettiest to look at, wasthe well-furnished glass and chinawarehouse of Philadelphia Firkin,spinster Few things are indeed moreagreeable to the eye than the mixture ofglittering cut glass, with rich and delicatechina, so beautiful in shape, colour, and

material, which adorn a nicely-assortedshowroom of that description Themanufactures of Sèvres, of Dresden, ofDerby, and of Worcester, are really works

of art, and very beautiful ones too; andeven the less choice specimens have aboutthem a clearness, a glossiness, and anicety, exceedingly pleasant to look upon;

so that a china-shop is in some sense ashop of temptation: and that it is also ashop of necessity, every housekeeper whoknows to her cost the infinite number ofplates, dishes, cups, and glasses, whichcontrive to get broken in the course of theyear, (chiefly by that grand demolisher ofcrockery ware called Nobody,) will notfail to bear testimony

Miss Philadelphia's was therefore a

well accustomed shop, and she herselfwas in appearance most fit to be itsinhabitant, being a trim, prim littlewoman, neither old nor young, whosedress hung about her in stiff regular folds,very like the drapery of a chinashepherdess on a mantel-piece, and whosepink and white complexion, skin,eyebrows, eyes, and hair, all tinted as itseemed with one dash of ruddy colour,had the same professional hue Change herspruce cap for a wide-brimmed hat, andthe damask napkin which she flourished inwiping her wares, for a china crook, andthe figure in question might have passedfor a miniature of the mistress In onerespect they differed The chinashepherdess was a silent personage MissPhiladelphia was not; on the contrary, she

was reckoned to make, after her ownmincing fashion, as good a use of hertongue as any woman, gentle or simple, inthe whole town of Belford.

She was assisted in her avocations by alittle shopwoman, not much taller than achina mandarin, remarkable for the height

of her comb, and the length of herearrings, whom she addressed sometimes

as Miss Wolfe, sometimes as Marianne,and sometimes as Polly, thus multiplyingthe young lady's individuality by three;and a little shopman in apron and sleeves,whom, with equal ingenuity, she called bythe several appellations of Jack, Jonathan,and Mr Lamb—mister!—but who wasreally such a cock-o'-my-thumb as mighthave been served up in a tureen, or baked

in a pie-dish, without in the slightestdegree abridging his personal dimensions.

I have known him quite hidden behind achina jar, and as completely buried, whilststanding on tip-toe, in a crate, as thedessert-service which he was engaged inunpacking Whether this pair of originalswas transferred from a show at a fair toMiss Philips warehouse, or whether shehad picked them up accidentally, first oneand then the other, guided by a fine sense

of congruity, as she might match awineglass or a tea-cup, must be left toconjecture Certain they answered herpurpose, as well as if they had been thesize of Gog and Magog; were attentive tothe customers, faithful to their employer,and crept about amongst the china as softly

as two mice

The world went well with Miss PhillyFirkin in the shop and out She won favour

in the sight of her betters by a certainprim, demure, simpering civility, and apower of multiplying herself as well asher little officials, like Yates or Matthews

in a monopolologue, and attending to a-dozen persons at once; whilst she was

half-no less popular amongst her equals invirtue of her excellent gift in gossiping.Nobody better loved a gentle tale ofscandal, to sweeten a quiet cup of tea.Nobody evinced a finer talent for picking

up whatever news happened to be stirring,

or greater liberality in its diffusion Shewas the intelligencer of the place—awalking chronicle

In a word, Miss Philly Firkin was

certainly a prosperous, and, as times go, atolerably happy woman To be sure, herclosest intimates, those very dear friends,who as our confidence gives them theopportunity, are so obliging as to watchour weaknesses and report our foibles,—certain of these bosom companions hadbeen heard to hint, that Miss Philly, whohad refused two or three good matches inher bloom, repented her of this cruelty,and would probably be found lessobdurate now that suitors had ceased tooffer This, if true, was one hiddengrievance, a flitting shadow upon a sunnydestiny; whilst another might be found in acircumstance of which she was so farfrom making a secret, that it was one ofher most frequent topics of discourse.

The calamity in question took the notun-frequent form of a next-door neighbour.

On her right dwelt an eminent tinman withhis pretty daughter, two of the mostrespectable, kindest, and best-conductedpersons in the town; but on her left was anopen bricked archway, just wide enough

to admit a cart, surmounted by a dim anddingy representation of some hornedanimal, with "The Old Red Cow" written

in white capitals above, and "James Tyler,licensed to sell beer, ale, wine, and allsorts of spirituous liquors," below; anddown the aforesaid passage, divided only

by a paling from the spacious premiseswhere her earthenware and coarser kinds

ef crockery were deposited, were thepublic-house, stables, cowhouses, andpigsties of Mr James Tyler, who added to

his calling of publican, the severalcapacities of milkman, cattle dealer, andpig merchant, so that the place was oneconstant scene of dirt and noise and bustlewithout and within;—this Old Red Cow,

in spite of its unpromising locality, beingone of the best frequented houses inBelford, the constant resort of drovers,drivers, and cattle dealers, with a marketdinner on Wednesdays and Saturdays, and

a club called the Jolly Tailors, everyMonday night

Master James Tyler—popularly calledJem—was the very man to secure andincrease this sort of custom Of vaststature and extraordinary physical power,combined with a degree of animal spiritsnot often found in combination with such

large proportions, he was at once a fitruler over his four-footed subjects in theyard, a miscellaneous and most disorderlycollection of cows, horses, pigs, and oxen,

to say nothing of his own five boys, (forJem was a widower,) each of whom, instriving to remedy, was apt to enhance theconfusion, and an admirable lord ofmisrule at the drovers' dinners andtradesmen's suppers over which hepresided There was a mixture ofcommand and good-humour, of decisionand fun, in the gruff, bluff, weather-beatencountenance, surmounted with its roughshock of coal-black hair, and in the voiceloud as a stentor, with which he nowguided a drove of oxen, and now roared acatch, that his listeners in either casefound irresistible Jem Tyler was the very

spirit of vulgar jollity, and could, as heboasted, run, leap, box, wrestle, drink,sing, and shoot (he had been a keeper inhis youth, and still retained the love ofsportsmanship which those who imbibe itearly seldom lose) with any man in thecounty He was discreet, too, for a man ofhis occupation; knew precisely how drunk

a journeyman tailor ought to get, and when

to stop a fight between a Somersetshirecattle-dealer and an Irish pig-driver Noinquest had ever sat upon any of hiscustomers Small wonder, that with such alandlord the Old Red Cow should be ahostelry of unmatched resort andunblemished reputation

The chief exception to Jem Tyler'salmost universal popularity was beyond

all manner of doubt his fair neighbourMiss Philadelphia Firkin She, togetherwith her trusty adherents, Miss Wolfe and

Mr Lamb, held Jem, his alehouse, and hiscustomers, whether tailor, drover, ordealer, his yard and its contents, horse ordonkey, ox or cow, pig or dog, inunmeasured and undisguised abhorrence:she threatened to indict the place as anuisance, to appeal to the mayor; and upon

"some good-natured friend" telling her thatmine host had snapped his fingers at her as

a chattering old maid, she did actually go

so far as to speak to her landlord, whowas also Jem's, upon the iniquity of hisdoings This worthy happening, however,

to be a great brewer, knew better than todismiss a tenant whose consumption ofdouble X was so satisfactory So that

Miss Firkin took nothing by her motionbeyond a few of those smoothen-ing andpacificatory speeches, which, whenadministered to a person in a passion,have, as I have often observed, aremarkable tendency to exasperate thedisease.

At last, however, came a real andsubstantial grievance, an actionabletrespass; and although Miss Philly was aconsiderable loser by the mischance, and

a lawsuit is always rather a questionableremedy for pecuniary damage, yet suchwas the keenness of her hatred towardspoor Jem, that I am quite convinced that inher inmost heart (although being anexcellent person in her way, it is doubtfulwhether she told herself the whole truth in

the matter) she rejoiced at a loss whichwould enable her to take such signalvengeance over her next-door enemy Anobstreperous cow, walking backwardinstead of forward, as that placid animalwhen provoked has the habit of doing,came in contact with a weak part of thepaling which divided Miss Firkin's backpremises from Master Tyler's yard, andnot only upset Mr Lamb into a crate ofcrockery which he was in the act ofunpacking, to the inexpressiblediscomfiture of both parties, but MissWolfe, who, upon hearing the mixture ofcrash and squall, ran to the rescue, foundherself knocked down by a donkey whohad entered at the breach, and was saluted

as she rose by a peal of laughter fromyoung Sam Tyler, Jem's eldest hope, a

thorough Pickle, who, accompanied bytwo or three other chaps as unlucky ashimself, sat quietly on a gate surveyingand enjoying the mischief.

"I'll bring an action against the villain!"ejaculated Miss Philly, as soon as theenemy was driven from her quarters, andher china and her dependants set upontheir feet:—"I'll take the law of him!" And

in this spirited resolution did mistress,shopman, and shopwoman, find comfortfor the losses, the scratches, and thebruises of the day

This affray commenced on a Thursdayevening towards the latter end of March;and it so happened that we had occasion

to send to Miss Philly early the nextmorning for a cart-load of garden-pots for

the use of my geraniums.

Our messenger was, as it chanced, acertain lad byname Dick Barnett, who haslived with us off and on ever since he wasthe height of the table, and who originally

a saucy, lively, merry boy, arch, witted, and amusing, has been indulged ingiving vent to all manner of impertinencesuntil he has become a sort of privilegedperson, and takes, with high or low, afreedom of speech that might become alady's page or a king's jester Every nowand then we feel that this licence, which in

quick-a child of ten yequick-ars old we found sodiverting, has become inconvenient in ayouth of seventeen, and favour him andourselves with a lecture accordingly Butsuch is the force of inveterate habit that

our remonstrances upon this subject areusually so much gravity wasted upon himand upon ourselves He, in the course of aday or two, comes forth with some freshprank more amusing than before, and we (Igrieve to confess such a weakness)resume our laughter.

To do justice, however, to this modernRobin Goodfellow, there was mostcommonly a fund of goodnature at thebottom of his wildest tricks or his mostegregious romances,—for in the matter of

a jest he was apt to draw pretty largelyfrom an inventive faculty of remarkablefertility; he was constant in hisattachments, whether to man or beast,loyal to his employers, and although idleand uncertain enough in other work,

admirable in all that related to the stable

or the kennel—the best driver, best rider,best trainer of a greyhound, and bestfinder of a hare, in all Berkshire

He was, as usual, accompanied on thiserrand by one of his four-footedfavourites, a delicate snow-whitegreyhound called Mayfly, of whom MissPhilly flatteringly observed, that "she was

as beautiful as china;" and upon the civillady of the shop proceeding to inquireafter the health of his master and mistress,and the general news of Aberleigh, masterBen, who well knew her proficiency ingossiping, and had the dislike of a manand a rival to any female practitioner inthat art, checked at once thiscondescending overture to conversation

by answering with more than his usualconsequence: "The chief news that I know,Miss Firkin, is, that our geraniums are allpining away for want of fresh earth, andthat I am sent in furious haste after a load

of your best garden-pots There's no time

to be lost, I can tell you, if you mean tosave their precious lives Miss Ada isupon her last legs, and master Diomede in

a galloping consumption—two of ourprime geraniums, ma'am!" quoth Dick,with a condescending nod to Miss Wolfe,

as that Lilliputian lady looked up at himwith a stare of unspeakable mystification;

"queerish names, a'tot they? Well, thereare the patterns of the sizes, and there's theorder; so if your little gentleman will butlook the pots out, I have left the cart inJem Tyler's yard, (I've a message to Jem

from master,) and we can pack 'em overthe paling I suppose you've a ladder forthe little man's use, in loading carts andwaggons, if not Jem or I can take themfrom him There is not a better-naturedfellow in England than Jem Tyler, andhe'll be sure to do me a good turn any day,

if it's only for the love of our Mayfly here

He bred her, poor thing, and is well nigh

as fond of her as if she was a child of hisown; and so's Sam Nay, what's the matterwith you all?" pursued Dick, as at thename of Jem Tyler Miss Wolfe turned upher hands and eyes, Mr Lamb let fall thepattern pots, and Miss Philly flung theorder upon the counter—"What the deuce

is come to the people?"

And then out burst the story of the last

night's adventure, of Mr Lamb's scratchedface, which indeed was visible enough, ofMiss Wolfe's bruises, of the broken china,the cow, the donkey, and the action at law.

"Whew!" whistled Dick in an asidewhistle; "going to law is she? We mustpacify her if we can," thought he, "for alawsuit's no joke, as poor Jem would find.Jem must come and speechify It's hard ifbetween us we can't manage a woman."

"Sad affair, indeed, Miss Firkin," saidDick, aloud, in a soft, sympathising tone,and with a most condoling countenance;

"it's unknown what obstropolous creaturescows and donkies are, and what mischiefthey do amongst gim-cracks A brute of adonkey got into our garden last summer,and ate up half-a-dozen rose-trees and

fuchsias, besides trampling over theflower-beds One of the roses was apresent from France, worth five guineas Ihope Mr Lamb and Miss Wolfe are notmuch hurt Very sad affair! strange too that

it should happen through Jem Tylers cattle

—poor Jem, who had such a respect foryou!"

"Respect for me!" echoed Miss Philly,

"when he called me a chattering old maid,

—Mrs Loveit heard him Respect forme!"

"Aye," continued Dick, "it was but lastMonday was a fortnight that Kit Mahony,the tall pig-dealer, was boasting of thebeauty of the Tipperary lasses, and cryingdown our English ladies, whereupon,although the tap was full of Irish chaps,