1000 câu chuyện cười song ngữ Anh Việt

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf." The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.. “Anh yêu,” cô ta h i, “ anh có th y chi c giày kia c a e

VUI H C TI NG ANH

English Funny Stories

ANH - VI T

English Funny Stories

CHUY N V CH NG

THE BUM …

A bum approaches a well dressed gentleman on the

street "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not

going to spend in on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum

"You are not going to throw it away in some

crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf

course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to

come home with him for a home cooked meal The

bum accepts eagerly While they are heading for the

man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of

him "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she

sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it I

want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't

drink, gamble or play golf."

K N MÀY …

M t gã n mày ti n g n m t quý ông n m t sang

tr ng trên ng ph “Này, ông b n quý, ông có th

cho hai ô la c không?” Ng i àn ông n m c

sang tr ng tr l i:” B n s không tiêu ti n vào r u

ông ta n cơm nhà không Gã n mày h m h ng

ý Trong khi h ang i h ng v nhà ng i àn

ông, gã n mày không th ng c tính tò mò “V

ông s không n i gi n khi bà y th y m t gã nh tôi

t i bàn n c a ông à?”

“ Ch c là có,” ng i àn ông nói, “nh ng s áng

nh th Tôi mu n cô y th y i u gì x y ra cho m t

gã không nh u nh t, c b c ho c chơi gôn.”

HOW TO LIVE?

"Darling," said the young man to his new bride

"Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered "But what will you live on?"

LÀM SAO S NG?

“Em yêu,” m t ng i àn ông tr nói v i cô dâu

m i.”Vì r ng chúng ta c i nhau, em có ngh em s

có th s ng b ng thu nh p khiêm t n c a anh?”

“D nhiên, anh yêu, không sao c ,” cô ta tr l i

“Nh ng anh s s ng b ng gì?”

THEY HAD NO PRIVACY

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor

"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting

a roll of toilet paper into her hands "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

H KHÔNG CÓ CHÚT RIÊNG T NÀO C

Khi là m t c p v ch ng tr m i c i, ng i ch ng

và ng i v s ng trong m t khu nhà liên h p r

ti n g n cơ s ng i ch ng làm vi!c."i u áng phàn nàn ch y u c a h là các b#c t ng m ng nh gi y

và h không có c s$ kín áo."i u này l ra hi n nhiên m t cách áng bu n vào m t bu i sáng ng i

ch ng t ng trên và ng i v t ng d i ang g i i!n tho i.Ng i v b% c t ngang b i ti ng chuông c&a và i ra chào ng i hàng xóm

“" a cái này cho ch ng cô,” ông ta nói và giúi m t

cu n gi y v! sinh vào tay cô ta.”Anh y ã hét òi

nó 15 phút!”

A HUSBAND WHO NEVER FEELS ASHAMED

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says

to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job "My father pays our rent My mother buys all of our food

My sister buys our clothes My aunt bought us a car I'm just so ashamed."

The husband rolls over on the couch "And you damn well should be," he agrees "Those two

worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a

m t vi!c làm.” Ba em tr ti n thuê nhà Má em mua

t t c n.Ch% em mua qu n áo chúng ta Cô em

mua xe hơi cho chúng ta Em quá x u h ”

Ng i ch ng l n tròn trên i v ng “Và em nên ti p

t(c ch) trích n a,” anh ta ng ý “Hai ông anh vô

d(ng c a em không bao gi cho chúng ta m t xu!”

THE NEIGHBORS CAN NOT SEE YOU

Having been married ten years and still living in an

apartment, the wife would often complain about

anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to

buy a "dream home"

Trying to placate her, the husband found a

budget

However, after the first week, she began

complaining again

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all

There are no curtains in the bathroom The

neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband "If the

neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."

“Joel,” cô ta nói, “em không thích nơi này tí

nào Không có t m màn nào trong phòng t m Hàng

xóm có th th y em khi em t m.”

“"'ng lo,” ch ng tr l i N u qu th$c hàng

xóm th y em, h s mua màn.”

WHERE’S THE SHOE?

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after

she had imbibed a little too much at an office

reception Although this was an innocent gesture, he

decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to

get jealous easily

The next night the man and his wife were

driving to a restaurant Suddenly he looked down

and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

CHI C GIÀY ÂU R I ?

M t bu i t i có m t ng i àn ông lái xe ch cô th

ký v nhà sau khi cô ta u ng hơi nhi u t i b a ti!c chiêu ãi cơ quan M c dù ây là m t hành vi vô t

nh ng anh ta quy t %nh không nói cho v - ng i hay n i ghen d+ dàng – nghe

T i hôm sau, ng i àn ông và v ánh xe n m t nhà hàng Thình lình anh ta nhìn xu ng và nh n ra

m t chi c giày cao gót ,n m t n&a d i gh khách Không mu n b% chú ý, anh ta i t i lúc v nhìn ra c&a s tr c khi anh ta anh ta h t chi c giày lên và

qu ng kh i xe

V i m t hơi th nh nhõm, anh ta lái xe vào bãi u

xe Chính lúc ó anh ta chú ý th y v loay hoay quanh gh ng i “Anh yêu,” cô ta h i, “ anh có th y chi c giày kia c a em không?”

DUMMY HUSBAND

A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything

in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I'd love to be six again," she replied

On the morning of her birthday, he got her

up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down Off to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake Then it was off to a movie: the latestHollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M's What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened "You dummy, I meant my dress size."

NG I CH NG NG NGH CH

ch 1 trong vùng "úng là m t ngày vui! Anh ta

t nàng lên m i th# trò chơi trong công viên:

" ng tr t Ch t ng i, Vòng nhào l n Kêu thét,

B#c t ng S hãi, m i th#! H t x,y! N m ti ng sau

nàng l o o i ra kh i công viên, u óc quay

cu ng và b(ng nh l n xu ng H i vào m t nhà

hàng McDonald, ng i ch ng g i m t cái bánh k p

th%t l n thêm v i th%t ram và m t ly sôcôla tr#ng

khu y.Sau ó h i t i m t r p chi u phim: b phim

thành công nh t, m i nh t Hollywood, hot dog, b p

n , Pepsi Cola Qu là m t cu c chơi tuy!t v i!

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a

machine he had invented that transferred labour

pains from the mother to the father Billy agreed and

the machine was set up But although it was set to its

highest setting, Billy felt not

a twinge

Later that day he went home to pick up a few

items his wife wanted and discovered the milkman

lying on his door step groaning in pain

CHI C MÁY M I

M t bác s h i m t ng i ch ng có v s p sinh r ng

có mu n th& chi c máy ông ta m i sáng ch chuy n

cơn au t' ng i m sang ng i cha không.Billy

ng ý và chi c máy c cài vào.Nh ng m c dù

chi c máy ã ch y h t công su t Billy c.ng không

th y au n gì c

Sau ó anh ta v nhà l y vài th# v yêu

c u và th y ng i a s a ang n m tr c c&a rên r)

au n

DRUNK

Bob visited his friend Joe's house and was amazed at

how well Joe treated his wife He told her several

times how attractive she was, complimented her on

her culinary skills and showered her with hugs and

Inspired by Joe's story, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife, told her how much he loved her, and said he wanted to hear all about her day Instead she burst into tears

"Darling," Bob said, "whatever's the matter?" "This has been the worst day I've had for a long time," she replied "This morning Billy fell off his bike and hurt his ankle, then the washing machine broke down Now, to top it off, you come home drunk!"

l i hôn nhân c a chúng tôi, và chúng tôi h nh phúc

n không th h nh phúc hơn c n a.”

Lây c m h#ng c a b n, Bob v i vã v nhà,

ôm v , nói cho nàng nghe là anh yêu nàng bi t bao nhiêu, và nói anh mu n nghe m t ngày nàng làm vi!c ra sao.Thay vào ó nàng b/ng òa khóc

”Em yêu,” Bob nói, “Vi!c gì x y ra v i em v y?” “ "ây là ngày t i t! nh t c a em lâu nay,” nàng áp.” Sáng nay Billy té xe p và b% au m t

cá, sau ó máy gi t b% h Bây gi , thêm vào ó, anh

l i say x)n v nhà!”

HOW TO BUY A PRESENT?

A man walked into a department store and told an assistant he'd like to buy a present for his wife "Certainly, sir," replied the assistant

"Perhaps a dress or a blouse?"

"Anything," said the man

"And in what colour?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Size?"

"Immaterial."

Seeing the assistant's confusion, the man explained that whenever he bought his wife something she would always take it back to the shop and exchange it

"Why don't you get a gift voucher instead?" the assistant asked him

"Oh no," said the man "That would be too

impersonal."

LÀM TH NÀO MUA M T MÓN QUÀ?

M t ng i àn ông i vào m t gian c&a hàng

và nói v i ng i bán hàng ông ta mu n mua m t

ng i àn ông gi i thích r ng m/i khi ông ta mua

cho v cái gì ó thì bà ta luôn em nó tr l i shop và

A couple drove several miles down a country road,

not saying a word

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and

neither wanted to concede their position As they

passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife

sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

BÀ CON ?

M t c p v ch ng lái xe i vài d m xu ng m t con

ng ng quê, không nói m t l i.M t cu c tranh

lu n tr c ó ã gây ra m t cu c tranh cãi, và không

YOUR HORSE CALLED LAST NIGHT

A woman came up behind her husband while he was

enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the

back of the head "I found a piece of paper in your

trouser pocket with the name Marylou written on it,"

she said, furious "You'd better have an

explanation."

"Calm down, dear," the man replied

"Remember last week when I was at the races? That

was the name of the horse I backed."

The next morning, his wife whacked him again "What was that for?" he groaned

"Your horse called last night," she said

CON NG A ÔNG G I T I QUA

M t bà v i n phía sau ch ng và v/ vào sau u ông ta trong khi ông ta ang u ng cà phê sáng.”Tôi tìm th y m t m nh gi y trong qu n ông có cái tên Mary,” bà ta nói m t cách gi n d ”Ông nên gi i thích.”

“Bình t nh nào, em yêu,” ông ta gi i thích.”

Em có nh tu n qua anh xem ua ng$a không? "ó

là tên con ng$c anh ánh cu c.”

Sáng hôm sau, bà v l i phát m nh ông ta

m t cái.”T i sao em làm th ?” ông ta rên r)

”Con ng$a c a ông g i tôí qua,” bà ta nói

WE’VE SAVED ENOUGH MONEY

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Darling, we've finally saved enough to buy what we started saving for in 1979."

"You mean a brand new Jaguar?" she asked eagerly

"No," he replied, "a 1979 Jaguar."

CHÚNG TA Ã TI T KI M TI N

Sau nhi u n m keo ki!t và ti t ki!m, ch ng báo v i

v m t tin m'ng:”Em yêu, cu i cùng chúng ta ã

ti t ki!m ti n mua cái mà chúng ta b t u dành trong n m 1979.”

“Ý anh mu n nói m t chi c Jaguar m i ph i không ?” ng i v h n h

“Không,” ng i ch ng tr l i, “m t chi c Jaguar i 1979.”

DEATHBED CONFESSION

Jake was on his deathbed His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly

"My darling Susan," he whispered

"Hush, my love," she said "Rest Don't talk."

He was insistent "Susan," he said in his tired voice "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no I must die in peace, Susan I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." "I know," she replied "That's why I poisoned you."

THÚ T I LÚC LÂM CHUNG

Jake ang lúc lâm chung V anh, Susan, ang th#c

gi c bên c nh anh ta.Ch% ang c m bàn tay y u t

c a anh, và n c m t ch y xu ng m t ch% L i c u

nguy!n c a ch% ánh th#c anh kh i gi c ng Anh

nhìn lên và ôi môi nh t nh t c a anh b t u hơi

nhúc nhích

“Susan yêu quý c a anh,” anh ta thì th m

“Im i, anh yêu,” ch% ta nói “Hãy ngh) ngơi "'ng

nói.”

Anh ta v*n c ti p t(c “Susan,” anh ta nói v i gi ng

m!t m i “Anh có i u ph i thú nh n v i em.”

“Không có gì ph i thú nh n c ,” Susan khóc lóc tr

l i “M i vi!c u n c , hãy ng i.”

“Không, không.Anh ph i ch t trong thanh th n,

Susan Anh ã ng v i em gái em, b n thân em và

m em.”

“Em bi t,” ch% ta tr l i “"i u ó t i sao em

u c anh.”

AFTER THE HONEY MOON

A young couple got married and left on their

honeymoon When they got back, the bride

immediately called her mother

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the

mother

"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed "The

honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No

sooner had she spoken the words then she burst out

crying "But mamma as soon as we returned,

Sam started using the most horrible language He's

been saying things I've never heard before! All these

awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and

take me home "

"Now Sarah " her mother answered "Calm

down! Tell me,what could be so awful? What

4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept

the daughter "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too

awful! You've got to come get me and take me

home please mamma!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so

upset Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter

words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma

words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"

SAU TU N TR NG M T

M t c p trai gái tr c i nhau và i h ng tu n

tr ng m t Khi h quay l i, ngay l p t#c cô dâu g i

i!n tho i cho m

“Nào, tu n tr ng m t ra sao? “ ng i m h i

“0, m !” cô ta la lên “Tu n tr ng m t thì tuy!t!

R t lãng m n!” Ch ng m y ch c sau khi nói ra cô ta

òa khóc “Nh ng m … v'a khi t(i con quay v , Sam b t u dùng ngôn ng kinh khi p nh t Anh y

ã nói nh ng th# con ch a bao gi nghe tr c ây!

T t c u là nh ng t' b n ch cái1 áng s ! M

ph i n ón con và a con v nhà … “

“Nào Sarah …” m cô ta tr l i “Bình t nh nào! Nói cho m nghe, cái gì mà quá áng s v y? Nh ng t'

b n ch cái nào mà anh ta ã s& d(ng?”

“"'ng b t con k cho m nghe, m .” ng i con gái khóc “Con ang th t b i r i! Nh ng ch ó quá d+ s ! M ph i n ón con và a con v nhà … nghe m !”

“Con yêu, con ph i nói cho m nghe cái gì làm con quá b i r i nh v y … Hãy nói cho m nghe nh ng t' b n ch cái kinh khi p này!”

V*n còn th n th#c, cô dâu tr l i, “0, m … nh ng t' nh rác, gi t, i, và n u n ng!”

I HAVE TO SHOW HER …

Everybody's heard of the Air Force's security,super-secret base in Nevada, known simply

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy They gassed up his air-plane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats

of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane only this time there were two people inside

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

TÔI PH I CH RA CHO CÔ Y

Có ai ã nghe v c n c# c$c k1 an ninh, siêu bí m t

c a không l$c (M2) Nevada, c bi t d i tên

g i ơn gi n “Vùng 51?”

Vào m t bu i chi u mu n, ng i không l$c Vùng

51 r t ng c nhiên th y m t chi c Cessna h cánh t i

c n c# “bí m t” c a h H l p t#c nh t chi c máy

bay và lôi phi công vào phòng th,m v n

Câu chuy!n c a viên phi công là anh ta c t cánh t'

Vegas, b% l c và phát hi!n ra c n c# ngay khi anh ta

s p h t nhiên li!u Không l$c b t u m t cu c ki m

tra thông tin c n thi t c a FBI v viên phi công và

gi anh ta qua êm trong su t cu c ph ng v n

Vào ngày hôm sau, cu i cùng h tin r ng viên phi

công l c th$c s$ và không ph i là m t gián i!p H

cung c p nhiên li!u cho chi c máy bay, a cho anh

ta m t ch) d*n áng s “anh ã không th y m t c n

c#”, cùng v i nh ng l i e d a anh ta s tù su t

quãng i còn l i, nói v i anh ta Vegas có ng

bay nh th , nh th , và ti+n anh ta lên ng

Ngày hôm sau, trong s$ b t ng không th tin c

c a không l$c, c.ng chi c Cessna ó xu t hi!n tr

l i M t l n n a, quân c nh bao quanh chi c máy

bay … nh ng l n này có hai ng i bên trong

C.ng viên phi công ó nh y ra và nói:”Các ông làm

gì tôi c.ng c, nh ng v tôi ang trên máy bay

và các ông ph i nói v i cô y t i qua tôi âu!”

I JUST HAD A DREAM ABOUT IT …

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap After

she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed

that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's

day What do

you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said

That evening, the man came home with a

small package and gave it to his wife Delighted, she

opened it only to find a book entitled "The meaning

of dreams"

EM CÓ M T GI C MƠ V I U Ó …

M t ph( n tr ng tr a Sau khi cô th#c

d y, cô nói v i ch ng:”Em ã mơ úng r ng anh

t ng em m t chu/i h t ng c trai trong ngày

Valentine Anh ngh nó có ý ngh a gì?

“T i nay em s bi t.” anh ta nói

Chi u t i hôm ó, ng i àn ông i v nhà

v i m t gói nh và t ng v Ng i v vui m'ng m

nó ra – ch) th y m t cu n sách t$a “Ý ngh a c a

nh ng gi c mơ.”

DON’T MESS WITH THE MAID

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her

French maid.After a long list of stinging remarks

about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper,

she dismissed the maid

The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't

allow such abuse to go unanswered "Your husband

considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam He has told me himself."

The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said he maid "Not your husband, the mail man!"

NG L N X N V I NG I GIÚP VI C NHÀ

M t quý bà Beverly Hills n i gi n cô giúp vi!c

ng i Pháp Sau m t b n danh sách dài nh ng nh n xét khó ch%u v nh ng l/i c a cô ta khi n u n và

qu n gia, bà u i cô giúp vi!c

Ng i giúp vi!c, v i dòng máu Celte, không th

ch p nh n m t s$ l ng m nh v y ra i không có câu tr l i “Ch ng bà xem tôi là m t ng i qu n gia

và n u n t t hơn bà, th a bà.Chính ông ã nói v i tôi.”

Ng i àn bà giàu có ch) nín nh%n và không nói gì

“Và hơn n a,” cô gái gi n d ti p t(c, “ trên gi' ng tôi gi i hơn bà !”

“Và tôi cho r ng ch ng tôi c.ng nói v i cô i u ó?”

“Không, th a bà,” ng i giúp vi!c nói “Không ph i

ch ng bà, ông a th !”

FRIEND FOR DINNER

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess,

I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and

I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

“Anh bi t h t r i.”

“V y t i sao anh m i b n n t i?”

“Vì th ng ng t i nghi!p ang ngh n vi!c

c i v ”

THE SECRET

Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you

told her the secret I told you not to tell her."

"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told

her not to tell you I told her."

"Oh dear!" sighed Jill "Well, don't tell her I

told you that she told me."

I U BÍ M T

Jill than phi n v i Nina:”Rosey nói v i anh

r ng em nói v i cô ta i u bí m t anh ã nói v i em

'ng nói v i cô ta.”

“À,” Nina tr l i v i gi ng t$ ái:” Em ã nói

v i cô ta 'ng nói v i anh em ã nói v i cô ta.”

“Ôi tr i!” Jill th dài “Thôi, 'ng nói v i cô

ta anh ã nói v i em r ng cô ta nói v i anh.”

THE STATUE

A woman was in bed with her lover when

she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said "Stand in the corner." She

quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she

dusted him with talcum powder "Don't move until I

tell you to," she whispered "Just pretend you're a

statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as

he entered the room

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied

nonchalantly "The Smiths bought one for their

bedroom I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even

later that night when they went to sleep Around two

in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to

the kitchen and returned a while later with a

sandwich and a glass of milk "Here," he said to the

'statue', "eat something I stood like an idiot at the

Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so

much as a glass of water

M t ph( n ang n m trên gi ng v i ng i

tình thì cô ta nghe ng'ơi ch ng m c&a tr c

“Nhanh lên!” cô ta nói “"#ng trong góc

nhà.” Cô ta nhanh chóng xoa d u tr em lên kh p

ng i anh ta và sau ó r c b t talc lên ng i anh ta

“"'ng c& ng cho n khi nào em b o anh,” cô ta

l i m t lúc sau v i m t cái bánh sandwich và m t ly

s a “"ây,” anh ta nói v i “b#c t ng” , “ n cái gì

i ch# Tôi #ng nh m t th ng ng c nhà Smith trong 3 ngày và không ai a cho tôi ngay n c

m t ly n c

WISDOM TEETH

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth "Eighty dollars," the dentist says

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says

"Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says "Okay," says the dentist "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head

"If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"

R NG KHÔN

M t ngày kia, m t ng i àn ông b c vào m t phòng nha s và h i giá nh r ng khôn là bao nhiêu

“Tám m ơi ô la,” nha s nói

“"ó là m t con s l lùng,” ng i àn ông nói “Có cách nào r hơn không?”

“0,” nha s nói, “n u ông không dùng thu c tê, tôi

có th h giá xu ng còn 60 ô la.”

“Nh v y v*n còn quá t,” ng i àn ông nói

“" c r i,” nha s nói “N u tôi ti t ki!m thu c tê và ch) lôi to t r ng ra v i m t cái k m thì tôi có

th tính giá 20 ô la.”

“Không,” ng i àn ông rên r), “nh v y v*n còn quá nhi u.”

“H'm,” nha s gãi u nói N u tôi m t trong

nh ng sinh viên c a tôi làm thêm kinh nghi!m thì tôi cho là tôi có th tính giá ch) 10 ô la.”

“Tuy!t,” ng i àn ông nói, “ t tr c cho v tôi vào th# Ba t i !”

HOW DID YOU DIE ?

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike

up a conversation The first man asks the second

"So, how'd you die?"

"I froze to death," says the second

"That's awful," says the first man "How does

it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the

second man "You get the shakes, and you get pains

in all your fingers and toes But eventually, it's a

very calm way to go You get numb and you kind of

drift off, as if you're sleeping How about you, how

did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man

"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so

one day I showed up at home unexpectedly I ran up

to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting I ran

down to the basement, but no one was hiding there,

either I ran up to the second floor, but no one was

hiding there either I ran as fast as I could to the

"What do you mean?" Asks the first man

"If you had only stopped to look in the

freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Ông b% tê cóng và ông c m th y ki u nh trôi i,

nh th ông ang ng Còn ông thì sao, ông ch t

nh th nào?”

“Tôi b% au tim,” ng i àn ông th# nh t nói

“Ông coi, tôi bi t v tôi ang l'a d i tôi, vì v y m t

ngày kia tôi xu t hi!n b t ng nhà Tôi ch y lên

phòng ng , và th y cô ta m t mình ang an Tôi

ch y xu ng t ng h m nh ng c.ng không ai n p

ó Tôi ch y lên t ng hai, nh ng c.ng không ai núp

ó Tôi ch y h t s#c tôi lên gác mái, nh ng khi tôi

v'a n ó thì tôi b% m t cơn au tim n ng và ch t.”

Ng i àn ông th# hai l c u “Th t quá

m)a mai,” ông ta nói

“Ông mu n nói gì?” ng i àn ông th# nh t

"Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

"How come?" I asked

"Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

T I SAO M TÔI H C CHƠI CLARINET?

Ba m tôi g n ây ngh) h u M tôi luôn mu n h c chơi piano, vì v y ba tôi mua cho bà m t cái trong ngày sinh nh t M t vài tu n sau, tôi h i bà chơi àn

nh th nào

“0, ba m tr l i cây àn piano.” Ba nói, “ba thuy t ph(c m thay vào ó chuy n sang chơi clarinet.”

“Sao v y?” tôi h i

“Vì,” ông tr l i, “v i m t cây clarinet, m không

th hát.”

PREGNANT

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him, "Awww, my honey is so depressed here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight and remember that this happens only once ok? don't think about it again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment,

"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty." The wife's face slowly turns red with anger,

"Damn that bitch when she was pregnant and her husband came over here I only charged him fifty "

CÓ B U

Vì v mang b u tháng th# tám nên ng i ch ng ph i

ng trên n n nhà tránh b t c# sai sót áng ti c

nào v n khá d+ x y ra, vì anh ta ã t'ng li u l nh

trong m t lúc cho n lúc y

Ngay tr c khi n m xu ng gi ng, ng i v li c

nhìn ch ng và th y anh chàng t i nghi!p co mình

trên sàn nhà, m t m to tr'ng tr'ng vào kho ng

không y ham mu n tuy!t v ng

C m th y t i nghi!p cho ch ng, v m ng n kéo

trên cùng c a t , l y ra m t t gi y b c n m m ơi

ô la và a cho anh ta,” 3, c ng c a em quá bu n

ây, c m cái này và i t i cô k bên nhà, cô ta s

cho anh ng v i cô ta êm nay và nh r ng vi!c

này ch) x y ra m t l n thôi c ch#? 'ng

ngh t i i u ó l n n a nhé.”

Ng i ch ng tròn m t trong s$ hoài nghi, nh ng s

r ng v có th thay i ý ki n, anh ta c m ti n và

nhanh chóng r i i M t vài phút sau, anh ta quay

l i, a t b c l i cho v và nói v i nhi u th t v ng:

“Cô ta nói nh v y thì không , cô ta mu n sáu

ch(c.”

Khuôn m t ng i v d n d n b'ng vì gi n, “Con

chó cái áng nguy n r a khi nó có b u và ch ng

nó i qua ây tao ch) òi ch ng nó có n m

ch(c ”

MILLIONAIRE

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who

made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?"

asked the friend

The woman replied, "A billionaire "

The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor

I brought the child into this world with pain and

labor She should be in my custody."

The judge turns to the husband and says,

"What do you have to say in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating then

slowly rose

"Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out whose Pepsi is it the machine's or mine?"

Quan tòa quay qua ng i ch ng và nói:”Ông

The doctor examined and said,

"Congratulations Mrs Jones, you're going to be a mother."

"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."

"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."

"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were In a rage, she dialed her husband

"Hello," she heard in his familiar halting voice

She screamed, "You rotten SOB You got me pregnant!"

There was a pause on the line Finally, her husband answered, "Who's calling please?"

PHÉP L Y H C

M t bà lão 80 tu i c i m t ông lão 85 tu i Sau sáu tháng chung s ng, bà lão c m tháy không kh e và bà

i bác s Bác s khám và nói:”Xin chúc m'ng, bác Jones, bác

s là m t bà m ”

“Hãy nghiêm túc, bác s , tôi 80 tu i

“Cháu bi t,” bác s nói,”sáng nay, cháu h n s nói

i u này b t kh , nh ng chi u nay bác là m t phép

l y h c.”

“Tôi s b% nguy n r a,” bà lão tr l i và i x c ra

A Guy and his wife are driving a car along a twisty

road with a 55MPH limit Cop pulls the guy over

"Had you going about 70 in 55 back there,"

says the cop

"Not me," says the guy, "Could be your radar

picked up someone else or something, but my

speedometer was set right on 55."

Wife pipes up, "You were to going 70 I've

told you 20 mile back you were going to get stopped

if you didn't slow down."

"Shut up would ya!" mumbles the guy

"Can I see your proof of insurance?" asks the

cop

"Sure, my card is right here in my wallet."

Wife says, "That card's no good and you know

it You haven't paid the last premium and the

company sent you a cancellation notice."

"Damn," yells the guy "Would you shut the

hell up for once"

"Ma'am," says the cop, "Does this guy always

talk to you like this?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

CH Y QUÁ T C

M t gã àn ông và v ang lái m t chi c xe hơi trên

con ng trên con ng khúc khu5u có gi i h n

t c 55 d m/gi C nh sát l!nh cho anh ta d'ng

vào v! ng

“Ông ã ch y kho ng 70 trong gi i h n 55 phía sau

kia,” c nh sát nói

“Không ph i tôi,” gã nói, “có th radar các ông quét

ai ó khác ho c v t gì ó, nh ng công tơ mét c a tôi

ch) úng 55.”

Ng i v nói to lên:”anh ch y 70 Em ã nói anh

gi m 20 d m anh s b% d'ng n u anh không ch y

ch m xu ng.”

“Câm m bà l i!” gã l m b m

“Tôi có th xem gi y t b o hi m không?” c nh sát

h i

“" c, th c a tôi ngay trong bóp tôi.”

V nói:”Th ó không thích h p và anh bi t v y Anh ch a tr ti n phí b o hi m v'a r i và công ty ã g&i anh m t thông báo h y b ”

“M ki p,” gã thét lên “Bà có ch%u câm cái mõm chó ch t c a bà m t l n không.”

“Th a bà,” c nh sát nói, “ông này có luôn nói v i bà

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep

A few moments later she said, "Then you used

to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used

to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed

"Where are you going?" she asked

"To get my teeth!"

LÃNG M N

M t t i kia, m t c p v ch ng có tu i ang

n m trên gi ng Ng i ch ng rơi vào gi c ng

nh ng ng i v c m th y tình c m dâng trong lòng

và mu n nói chuy!n Bà nói:”Anh th ng c m tay

em khi chúng ta yêu nhau.”

M t cách m!t m i, ông v ơn ngang tay, c m tay bà trong m t giây, sau ó c quay l i gi c ng

M t lát sau bà nói:”Sau ó anh th ng hôn em.” Hơi b$c d c, ông v ơn ng i qua, hôn v i m t cái trên má và n m xu ng ng

Ba m ơi giây sau, bà nói:”Sau ó anh

th ng c n c em.” "iên ti t, ông qu ng t m tr i

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think

an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife "I've tried that - it

“" qu5, chúng ta ang s ng trong m t th i i

m i, Bill Hãy th& và nói v i cô y v i u ó!”

Th là Bill v nhà và nói:”C ng, anh ngh m t m i

tình s làm cho chúng ta g n nhau hơn.”

“Quên i u ó i,” v nói “Em ã th& r i – ch a

bao gi hi!u qu ”

ON THE ROAD

After weeks on the road an over the road trucker

pulled into a brothel.The trucker walked up to the

madam, slapped $500.00 on the counter and

demanded "Give me a bologna sandwich and the

ugliest, meanest, most foul tempered woman in the

house."

The madam looked at the trucker and

exclaimed, "Sir for this kind of money you can have

the best steak with all the trimmings and two of the

prettiest girls in the state."

The trucker slowly looked up and with a tear

in his eye said, "You don't understand, I'm not

hungry or looking for company, I'm homesick!"

TRÊN NG I

Sau hàng tu n trên ng i, m t tài x xe t i ch y

vào m t nhà ch#a Ông ta b c t i bà ch ch#a, p

500 ô la trên qu y và ra l!nh:”Cho tôi m t sanwich

bologna và m t em x u nh t, hèn h nh t, tính tình

t m nh t trong nhà này.”

Tú bà nhìn tài x và la lên:”Th a ông, v i s ti n

này ông có th n món steak ngon nh t và hai em d+

th ơng nh t bang.”

Tài x t' t' nhìn lên và v i gi t n c m t trong m t,

anh ta nói:”Bà không hi u, tôi không ói và tìm b n

tình, tôi nh nhà!”

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

"I'm going fishing."

Really means

"I'm going to drink myself , and stand by a

stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim

"It's a guy thing."

Really means

"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means

Absolutely nothing It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling

"My wife doesn't understand me."

"I have no idea how it works."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Go ask your mother."

c nh an toàn tuy!t i

“Tài x n ”

Ngh a th$c s$

“Ai ó không ch y nhanh, không bám uôi

xe khác m t cách nguy hi m, không có nh ng c& ch)

t(c t u và có ti n s& lái xe t t hơn tôi.”

“"ó là m t v n àn ông.”

Ngh a th$c s$

“Không có m t ki u m*u suy ngh lý trí nào

k t n i v i nó, và b n không có cơ h i nào làm

nó có logic.”

“6 há,” “6, c ng,” ho c “Vâng, em yêu.”

Ngh a th$c s$

Tuy!t i ch ng có gì "ó là m t ph n x có

i u ki!n nh chó c a Paplop ch y n c dãi

“V tôi không hi u tôi.”

“Nó không rơi vào ôi tay v ơn ra c a anh, vì th

anh hoàn toàn không có d u v t.”

LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny's teacher sent a note home to his

Mother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very bright

boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about

sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise I have the same problem with his Father."

BÉ JOHNNY

Giáo viên c a bé Johnny g&i m t gi y báo v cho

má nó, vi t:”Johnny có v là m t #a bé r t sáng d ,

nh ng dùng quá nhi u thì gi c a nó ngh v tình d(c và gái.”

Ng i má vi t l i vào hôm sau:”N u cô tìm ra cách

gi i quy t, hãy khuyên nh Tôi c.ng có cùng v n

ó v i ba nó.”

SEX WITH GAS

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon, a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex

The owner told him to pick a number from 1

to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex

The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, but you were close The number was 7 Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time." Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-

up, and again he asked for his free sex The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number

The man guessed 2 this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3 You were close, but

no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged my wife won twice last week."

M t kho ng th i gian sau ó, c.ng ng i àn ông

ó, l n này i cùng v i b n, c.ng ghé vào x ng,

và l i l n n a anh ta h i sex mi+n phí Ông ch l i

a anh ta cái th# nh tr c, và nói anh ta oán

úng con s

Ng i àn ông l n này oán s 2 và ông ch

nói:”Xin l/i, ó là 3 Ông g n úng, nh ng không

chơi mi+n phí l n này c.”

Trong khi h lái i, tài x nói v i b n:”Tôi ngh r ng

trò này là l'a o, và ông ta không th$c s$ cho chơi

mi+n phí.”

Ng i b n áp:”Không, nó không ph i trò l'a o

v tôi c hai l n tu n qua.”

TRAILING MY HUSBAND

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired "Did

you trail my husband?"

"Yes ma'am I did I followed him to a bar, to

an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an

apartment."

A big smile crossed Jane's face "Aha! I've

got him!" she said gloating "Is there any doubt what

he was doing?"

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth "It's pretty

clear that he was following you."

M t n( c i rõ ràng hi!n ra trên m t Jane “Aha!

Tôi ã b t c lão ta!” cô nói m t cách h hê.”Có

gì áng ng lão ta ang làm gì không?”

“Không, th a bà,” thám t& tr l i “Tình hình khá rõ

ràng là anh y ang theo bà.”

APPLYING FOR SOCIAL SECURITY

A retired gentleman went into the social security

office to apply for Social Security

After waiting in line a long time he got to the

counter The woman behind the counter asked him

for his drivers license to verify his age He looked in

his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at

home He told the woman that he was very sorry but

he seemed to have left his wallet at home "Will I

have to go home and come back now?" he asks

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly

silver hair

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is

proof enough for me," and she processed his Social

Security application

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

N P ƠN AN SINH XÃ H I

M t quý ông v h u i vào v n phòng an sinh xã h i

n p ơn

Sau khi i trong hàng m t lúc lâu, ông ta i t i bàn

nh n ơn Ng i ph( n #ng sau bàn h i ông ta

b ng lái xe th,m tra tu i Ông ta nhìn vào nh ng cái túi và nh n ra ông ta ã bóp nhà Ông ta nói

v i ng i àn bà r ng ông ta r t l y làm ti c nh ng

nh ng ông có v nh ã bóp nhà “Tôi s ph i

v nhà và quay l i bây gi không?” ông ta h i

Ng i ph( n nói:”Hãy c i nút áo sơ mi ông ra.”

Vì th ông ta c i áo sơ mi ông ta cho th y nhi u s i lông b c xo n

Bà ta nói:”S i lông b c tr ng ó trên ng$c ông là

b ng ch#ng cho tôi,” và bà ta gi i quy t ơn xin

an sinh xã h i c a ông

Khi ng i àn ông v nhà, ông ta xúc ng k cho

v nghe v i u ông tr i qua v n phòng an sinh xã

h i

Bà ta nói:”Ông mà c i qu n ông ra thì ông ã c xem là ã b% m t kh n ng n a.”

TEN DOLLARS IS TEN DOLLARS

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland,Maine Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Martha, I'd like to get a ride in that airplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."

So one year Stumpy says, "Martha, I'm 71 years old, and if I don't go this time I may never go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride is ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal I'll take you both up for a ride

If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard He does it one more time, and there is still no word so he lands

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say

something when Martha fell out but ten dollars is

ten dollars."

M I Ô LA LÀ M I Ô LA

Stumpy Grinder và v Martha

Portland, Maine(Hoa K1) Hàng n m h i t i h i

ch Portland và hàng n m Stumpy nói:”Em bi t

không, Martha, anh mu n c-i trên máy bay ó.” Và

m/i n m, Martha th ng nói:”Em bi t, Stumpy,

nh ng c-i máy bay ó t n 10 ô la và m i ô la

là m i ô la.”

Vì v y m t n m kia, Stumpy nói:”Martha,

anh ã 71 tu i, và n u anh không i l n này anh có

th không bao gi i c n a.” Martha tr

l i:”Stumpy, c-i máy bay ó ch/ ó là m i ô la

và m i ô la là m i ô la.”

" n nh th , viên phi công khi ó nghe lõm

và nói:”Hai bác, cháu s th a thu n v i hai bác Tôi

s a hai bác bà i máy bay N u hai bác có th im

l ng trong su t cu c chơi và không nói M7T L6I

thì cháu s không tính ti n hai bác Nh ng ch) m t

Ông ta quay qua Stumpy khi h d'ng l i và

nói:”Tr i ơi, cháu làm m i th# cháu có th ngh t i

làm cho hai bác kêu lên, nh ng hai bác không

Hubby : You always carry my photo in your

handbag to the office Why?

Wife : When there is a problem, no matter

how impossible, I look at your picture and the

problem disappears

Hubby : You see, how miraculous and

powerful I am for you?

Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to

myself, '"What other problem can there be greater

than this one ?"

M I KHI CÓ S C …

Ch ng: Em luôn em hình anh trong túi

mang t i cơ quan.Sao v y?

V : M/i khi có s$ c , không c n bi t khó

gi i quy t nh th nào, em nhìn vào hình anh và s$

This is a message for all of you singles

Is life getting you down?

Guys, have you been getting depressed because there is simply not enough

dinner and a movie every once in a while Just don't hang around me so

much that you scare away the people I really want to date

"God doesn't want me to date right now " Translation: I don't know why I said 'yes' in the first place God doesn't

want me to date someone as ugly as you

"I only date older men/women."

Translation: I only date older men/women who have more money than you do

"You're just not my type."

Translation: When I look at you, and think of kissing you, I get physically sick

"You're too good for me."

Translation: I'm too good/much cool for you "You're too much like a brother/sister"

Translation: I like you, but you just don't turn

"I think we should date other people."

Translation: Look, I'm late for my date, he/she's probably waiting in the

parking lot I've got to go

"I just don't have the time to date anyone."

Translation: You DO realize that I've been

avoiding you for months now

"Maybe we can get together real soon."

Translation: Perhaps if you were the last

"ây r i, câu tr l i cho c mong sâu kín nh t c a

m i ng i! "ây là “H ng d*n cho vi!c b% t' ch i.”

"ây là 10 l i d i gian t' ch i c d%ch ra chân

ngh a cho t t c các b n

“Em không s8n lòng cho ki u t n tình ó”

D%ch: Tôi không mu n h n hò v i anh; tuy nhiên,

anh có th th)nh tho ng a tôi i chơi n t i và

xem phim Ch) 'ng l,n qu,n quanh tôi quá nhi u

n n/i làm nh ng ng i khác – nh ng ng i mà tôi

th$c s$ mu n h n hò – ho ng s

“Chúa không mu n em/anh làm m t cái h n ngay

bây gi ”

D%ch: Tôi không bi t sao tôi nói “có” nơi u

tiên.Chúa không mu n tôi h n hò v i m t ng i x u

xí nh anh/em

“Em ch) h n hò v i nh ng ng i l n tu i hơn.”

D%ch:Tôi ch) h n hò v i nh ng ng i l n tu i hơn,

nh ng ng i có nhi u ti n hơn anh

“Em/anh không ph i là tuýp ng i nh tôi”

D%ch: Khi tôi nhìn vào em/anh, và ngh t i vi!c hôn

em/anh, tôi phát b!nh th t s$

“Anh/em quá t t i v i tôi.”

D%ch:Tôi hoàn toàn/r t lãnh m i v i anh/em

“Anh /em r t gi ng anh trai/em gái em/anh.”

D%ch: Tôi m n anh/em, nh ng anh/em không làm tôi

D%ch: Hãy xem, tôi tr+ h n, anh y/cô y h u nh

ch c ch n ang i bãi u xe Tôi ph i i

“Em ch) không có th i gi h n v i b t c# ai.”

D%ch: Anh ph i nh n ra r ng tôi ã tránh m t anh

trong nhi u tháng nay …

“Chúng ta có th g n g.i nhau trong th i gian s p

t i th$c s$.”

D%ch: Có l anh/em là ng i àn ông/ àn bà cu i cùng trên Trái t

HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see

a 5- story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains

to them how it works "We have 5 floors Go up floor-by-floor,and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up

They reach the third floor and the sign reads:

"All the men here are tall and plain." They still want

to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there

is still one floor left Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

LÀM SAO LÀM V A LÒNG M T PH

N

M t nhóm b n gái ang k1 ngh) thì h th y m t khách s n 5 t ng v i m t t m bi n :”Ch) dành cho ph( n ” Vì h không có b n trai và ch ng nên hquy t %nh i vào

Tay “b o kê”, m t gã r t h p d*n, gi i thích cho hkhách s n ho t ng ra sao “Chúng tôi có 5 t ng "i lên t'ng t ng, và khi các b n tìm cái gì các b n ang tìm ki m, các b n có th ó.Quy t %nh t ng nào thì d+ vì m/i t ng có m t t m bi n cho b n bi t cái

T m bi n t ng th# hai :”T t c àn ông ây

u lùn và p trai.” C.ng v y, t ng này v*n không hay, vì th nhóm b n l i ti p t(c i lên trên

H t i t ng th# ba và t m bi n :” T t c àn ông

ây u cao và th ng.” H v*n mu n hơn, và nh

th , bi t v*n còn hai t ng n a, h ti p t(c i lên trên

9 t ng th# t , t m bi n ghi tuy!t h o:”T t c àn

ông ây u cao và p trai.” Nhóm ph( n t t c

u ph n ch n và i vào thì h nh n ra r ng v*n còn

m t t ng n a.L y làm ng c nhiên mình ang thi u

cái gì, h i lên t ng n m

9 ây h tìm th y t m bi n :”Không có àn ông

ây T ng này c xây d$ng ch) ch#ng t r ng

không có cách nào làm hài lòng m t ph( n ”

UGLY BABY

A woman gets on a bus holding a baby

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby

I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into

the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of

the bus The man seated next to her sensed that she

was agitated and asked her what was wrong "The

bus driver insulted me," she fumed

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a

public servant and shouldn't say things to insult

passengers."

"You're right" she said "I think I'll go back

up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea" the man said "Here, let

me hold your monkey."

Trong cơn b$c t#c, ng i ph( n qu ng ti n vé vào

ô thu ti n và ng i vào m t chi c gh g n sau xe

Ng i àn ông ng i g n ch% ta hi u r ng ch% ta ang

b% kích ng và h i ch% ta i u gì ã x y ra “Tài x

l ng m tôi,” ch% ta n i óa

Ng i àn ông thông c m và nói:”Sao, anh ta làm

d%ch v( công c ng và không nên nói nh ng i u

l ng m hành khách.”

“Anh úng ó, “ ch% ta nói.”Tôi ngh tôi s i

ng c lên trên và nói to c ra v i anh ta.”

“"ó là ý ki n hay” ng i àn ông nói.”Này, hãy

tôi b con kh) c a ch%.”

WHAT DO YOU GET FOR 25$ ?

George and Harriet were married twenty-five years

They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a

sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt,

became very friendly George brushed her off rather rudely

Harriet objected, "George, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you That sweet young lady?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217 "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough

to hear us, okay?" She did Soon, there was a knock

on the door George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

George was taken aback "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively "You must really

be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business.Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom "I just can't believe it."

George said, "Let's forget it We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George

pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

ANH CÓ GÌ V I 25 Ô LA?

George và Harriet c i nhau ã c 25 n m.Hquy t %nh làm l+ k5 ni!m b ng m t chuy n i chơi Las Vegas.Khi h b c vào khách s n/sòng bài và

ng ký, m t ph( n tr h p d*n m c m t chi c váy

r t ng n tr nên r t thân thi!n v i h George g t cô

ta m t cách hơi khi m nhã

Harriet ph n i:” George, ng i ph( n tr ó d+

th ơng, và anh th t khi m nhã.”

“Harriet, cô ta là m t gái i m.”

“Em không tin anh.Ng i ph( n tr h p d*n ó ?”

“Chúng ta hãy i lên phòng và anh s ch#ng minh

i u ó.”

Trong phòng h , George g i xu ng qu y và g i Bambi n phòng 1217

“Bây gi ,” anh ta nói, “em n p trong phòng t m, c&a

m ra ch) nghe anh và cô ta, c ch#?” Cô

v làm theo.Ch ng bao lâu, có m t ti ng gõ c&a

George m ra và Bambi i vào, ong a hông m t

cách khêu g i

“Nh v y, sau h t, em th y anh ã chú ý,” cô ta nói

George h i:”Cô tính bao nhiêu?”

“125 ô giá n n, 100 ô bu c boa ph(c v( c bi!t.”

George s&ng s t:”125 ô! Tôi ang cân nh c v i

c-25 ô.”

Bambi c i gi+u:”Anh h n ph i là m t gã nhà quê

th$c s$ n u anh ngh anh có th mua c sex v i

T i qu y, trong khi h ang nh m nháp c ctây,

Bambi i n ng sau George, kín áo ch) vào

Harriet và nói:”Xem anh có gì v i 25 ô?”

I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT

GIRL

A friend asked me the other day why i never

got married

I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the

right woman I guess I've been looking for the

perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said my friend "Surely

you have met at least one girl

that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl once I guess she

was the one perfect girl

the only perfect girl I really ever met She was just

the right everything I really mean that she was the

perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked my

friend

I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "She

was looking for the perfect man."

TÔI Ã TÌM KI M M T CÔ GÁI HOÀN H O

M t ngày kia, m t ng i b n h i tôi t i sao tôi

không c i v

Tôi tr l i:”À, tôi oán r ng tôi không bao gi g p

m t ph( n mong mu n … Tôi c ch'ng tôi ã tìm

ki m m t cô gái hoàn h o.”

“0, ti p t(c i nào,” b n tôi nói “Ch c ch n anh ã

g p ít nh t m t cô gái anh mu n c i.”

“"úng, có m t cô … m t l n Tôi c ch'ng cô ta là

m t cô gái hoàn h o – m t cô gái hoàn h o duy nh t

tôi t'ng g p th$c s$ M i th# cô ta u úng … Tôi

th$c s$ mu n nói r ng cô ta là cô gái hoàn h o i

v i tôi.”

“L quá, t i sao b n không c i cô ta?” b n tôi h i Tôi nhún vai và tr l i:” Cô ta mong ch m t ng i

àn ông hoàn h o.”

TWO DEALERS AND A VERY ATTRACTIVE LADY

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

With that, she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging and kissing each of the dealers "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that, she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know! I thought YOU were watching!"

HAI NG I CHIA BÀI VÀ M T PH N

Nàng nói:”Em hy v ng hai anh không ng i,

nh ng em ngh s may m n hơn nhi u khi em

“không áy”

Theo l i nói, nàng c i kh a thân t' eo

xu ng, r i gieo xí ng u v i ti ng reo:”Má c n m t cái qu n m i!”

Sau ó nàng nh y lên xu ng và ôm và hôn hai ng i chia bài.”"ÚNG! EM TH:NG! EM TH:NG!”

V i l i nói ó, nàng ôm ti n và qu n áo và

r i i nhanh chóng.Hai ng i chia bài nhìn nhau

ch m ch p ch t i ng

Cu i cùng m t trong hai ng i h i:”Dù sao

i n a thì cô ta ã gieo s m y?”

Ng i kia áp:”Tôi không bi t! Tôi ngh ANH ang canh!”

BEFORE I MARRY SARAH

Patient: "Doctor, before I marry Sarah next Saturday, there's something I'd like to get off my chest."

Doctor: "What's that?"

Patient: "A tattoo saying 'I love Alice.'"

TR C KHI TÔI C I SARAH

B!nh nhân: “Bác s , tr c khi tôi c i Sarah th# b y

t i, tôi mu n l y m t th# ra kh i ng$c.”

Bác s : “Cái ó là cái gì?”

B!nh nhân:”M t hình x m có ch “Tôi yêu Alice.””

DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE

A strained voice called out through the darkened

theater,"Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand

next to her,"Good, are any of you doctors single and

interested in a date with a good girl?"

BÁC S! TRONG NHÀ HÁT

M t gi ng nói c ng th ng v ng ra xuyên qua bóng

t i r p hát:” Xin vui lòng cho bi t có m t bác s

trong nhà hát không?!”

M t s àn ông #ng lên trong khi èn b t sáng

M t ng i àn bà có tu i kéo ng i con gái #ng

c nh bà ta:”T t, bác s các anh có ai còn c thân và

thích se duyên v i m t cô gái sáng giá không?”

TWO NUNS IN AN ALLEY

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell

cookies One of them was known as Sister

Mathematical and the other one was known as Sister

Logical It was getting dark and they were still far

away from the convent

Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man

has been following us for the past half-hour?

Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he

wants

Sister Logical: It's logical He wants to rape

us

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he

will reach us in 15 minutes at the most What can we

do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do,

of course, is to walk faster

Sister Mathematical: It's not working

Sister Logical: Of course it's not working

The man did the only logical thing He started to

walk faster too

Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At

this rate he will reach us in one minute

Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can

do is split You go that way and I'll go this way He

cannot follow us both

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical

Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was

worried about what had happened to Sister Logical Then Sister

Logical arrived, breathless and flushed

Sister Mathematical: "Sister Logical!

Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!" Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

Sister Logical: I started to run as fast as

I could and he started to run as fast as he could Sister Mathematical: And?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened He reached me

Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do

I lifted my dress up

Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do

He pulled down his pants

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?

Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run much faster than a man with his pants down

HAI MA-XƠ TRÊN NG I

Hai ma-xơ r i tu vi!n i bán bánh M t

ng i tên là Xơ Toán H c và ng i kia tên là XơLogic Tr i ang t i d n và h v*n còn cách xa tu vi!n

Xơ Logic: Xơ có chú ý th y m t ng i àn ông ã i theo sau chúng ta trong n&a gi qua không?

Xơ Toán h c: 6, và tôi t$ h i h n mu n gì

Xơ Logic: Theo logic, h n mu n hi p chúng

Xơ Toán h c: "i u ó không hi!u qu

Xơ Logic: D nhiên i u ó không hi!u qu

H n c.ng làm theo vi!c duy nh t theo logic H n c.ng b t u i nhanh hơn

Xơ Toán h c: Th thì chúng ta s làm gì? V i à này h n s b t k%p chúng ta trong m t phút

Xơ Logic: Vi!c duy nh t theo logic chúng ta

có th làm là tách ôi ra Xơ i ng ó và tôi s i

ng này H n không th i theo hai ta

Do v y gã àn ông quy t %nh theo xơ Logic

Xơ Toán h c v n tu vi!n và lo l ng v s$ vi!c

x y ra cho xơ Logic Sau ó xơ Logic v , th h n

h n và m t

Xơ Toán h c: Xơ Logic! T ơn Chúa xơ ã

v ây Hãy k tôi nghe i u gì ã x y ra!

Xơ Logic: "i u duy nh t theo logic ã x y

ra H n không th theo hai ta, vì th h n theo tôi

Xơ Toán h c: "úng, úng! Nh ng sau ó

i u gì x y ra?

Xơ Logic: Tôi b t u ch y nhanh nh t mà

tôi có th và h n b t u ch y nhanh nh t mà h n có

th

Xơ Toán h c: Sau ó?

Xơ Logic: "i u duy nh t theo logic ã x y

ra H n b t k%p tôi

Xơ Toán h c: Ô tr i ơi! Xơ ã làm gì?

Xơ Logic: Làm i u duy nh t theo logic Tôi

kéo váy lên

Xơ Toán h c: Oi, xơ! H n làm gì?

Xơ Logic: Làm i u duy nh t theo logic

H n tu t qu n h n xu ng

Xơ Toán h c: Oi, không! Chuy!n gì x y ra

ti p theo?

Xơ Logic: "i u ó không logic sao, xơ? M t

n tu s v i chi c váy kéo lên có th ch y nhanh hơn

m t gã àn ông v i chi c qu n tu t xu ng …

GOD AND EVE IN THE GARDEN

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to

God "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have

provided this beautiful garden and all of these

wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic

snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from

above

"Lord, I am lonely And I'm sick to death of

apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution I

shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with

many bad traits He'll lie,cheat, and be vainglorious;

all in all, he'll give you a hard time But, he'll be

bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things

He will look silly aroused, but since you've been

complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he

will satisfy your physical needs He'll be witless and

will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking

a ball about He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advise to think properly.”

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow

"What's the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and admiring So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first So, just remember it's our secret Woman to woman."

self-CHÚA VÀ EVA TRÊN V N "A ÀNG

M t ngày kia trên v n %a àng, Eva g i Chúa …

“Chúa, con có v n !”

“V n gì, Eva?”

“L y Chúa, con bi t ngài ã t o ra con và ã

t o ra khu v n p và t t c nh ng con thú tuy!t di!u, và con r n vui nh n kia, nh ng con th t không vui.”

“T i sao, Eva?” có ti ng nói t' trên cao

“Th a Chúa, con cô ơn Con chán ngán nh ng trái táo.”

có v g i s$ ng ng,n, nh ng vì con ã than th , ta

s t o anh ta theo cách anh ta s làm con hài lòng v

nh ng òi h i th ch t c a con Anh ta s không khôn ngoan và s say s a nh ng th# tr con nh ánh nhau và á banh lung tung Anh ta s không quá thông minh, vì th anh ta c.ng c n l i khuyên

c a con suy ngh úng n.”

“Tuy!t quá,” Eva nói v i m t bên lông mày nh n lên m)a mai

“Còn vi!c ánh l'a anh ta thì sao, th a ngài?”

“;, à … con có th làm vi!c ó v i i u ki!n.”

“"i u ki!n gì, th a ngài?”

“Nh ta ã nói, anh ta s kiêu hãnh, ng o m n và t$hào … Vì th con s ph i làm anh ta tin r ng ta t o

ra anh ta tr c … Vì th , hãy nh … ó là bí m t

c a chúng ta … Ph( n v i nhau.”

THE WANTED AD RESPONDENT

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO

SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE

FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1 WON'T BEAT ME UP

2 WON'T RUN AWAY

3 HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the

hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she

received tons of mail all to no avail None of the

men seemed to meet her qualifications

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again She

opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no

legs, lying on the mat Perplexed, she asked, "Who

are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I

am the man of your dreams I've got no arms, so I

can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run

away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you

think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell,

didn't I?"

L I ÁP CHO QU NG CÁO TÌM CH NG

QU< PH= GIÀU CÓ TÌM NGƯ6I "ÀN

ÔNG "? CHIA S4 CU7C "6I VÀ TÀI S<N V@I

NHANG PHBM CHCT SAU:

1 KHÔNG "ÁNH TÔI

2 KHÔNG BD "I

3 PH<I TUYET V6I TRÊN GI; 6NG

Trong vài tháng, i!n tho i bà ta g i liên t(c,

chuông c&a reo liên t(c, bà ta nh n hàng t n th

t t c u không có l i gì Không có ng i àn ông

nào có v áp #ng c nh ng ph,m ch t bà ta a

ra

Sau ó m t ngày kia chuông c&a hãy còn reo tr l i

Bà ta m c&a th y m t ng i àn ông, không tay

không chân, n m trên m t t m th m C m th y khó

hi u, bà ta h i:”Ông là ai và ông mu n gì?”

“Xin chào,” ng i àn ông nói “Cu c tìm ki m c a

bà ã qua vì tôi là ng i àn ông bà mơ c.Tôi

không có tay, vì v y tôi không th ánh bà và tôi

không có chân nên tôi không th b i.”

Ng i ph( n l n tu i h i:”"i u gì làm ông ngh

ông r t tuy!t v i trên gi ng?”

" i v i câu h i ó ông ta tr l i:”Tôi ã b m

chuông c&a, ph i không?”

ASKING PERMISSION

"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't

live without me, and she wants to marry me."

"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me alone."

XIN PHÉP

“Th a bác, con gái bác nói yêu cháu, và cô y không

s ng c n u không có cháu, và cô y mu n c i cháu.”

“Và anh ang xin tôi c i nó à?”

“Không, cháu ang h i bác làm sao cho cô

y b m c cháu ”

I TOOK WHAT I WANT

One summer's evening Paddy & Mick are on their way to the pub for their usual drink

"I’m a bit tired tonight," says Mick "I think I'll just have a little lie down in this ditch and have a little sleep You can wake me up on your way home later."

"Right, you are," says Paddy, and they separate

At the end of the evening, Paddy comes out

of the pub and starts walking back to collect Mick from his ditch He hasn't gone far when Mick rolls

up beside him driving a big shiny Volvo

"Where did you get that lovely car from?!" asks Paddy, astonished

"Well, I'll tell you It was like this," says Mick "There I was lying in the ditch having a nice snooze and I had just turned over onto me other side when up drives a lovely lady in her nice new Volvo and asks me if I'd like to come for a drive with her Well, I thought, why not? It's a lovely evening for a drive So in I got She drove along for a bit and then turned off into a field She got out of the car, took off all her clothes and said,

"Take what you want!" So I took the Volvo

TÔI LÀM CÁI TÔI MU N

M t bu i t i hè, Paddy và Mick trên ng t i quán

r u nh u nh th ng l!

“T i nay tôi hơi m!t,” Mick nói “Tôi ngh tôi s

n m ng m t tí ch/ ng này B n có th ánh th#c tôi d y sau trên ng v nhà.”

“" c, i i,” Paddy nói và h r ôi

T i hôm ó, Paddy i ra kh i quán r u và b t u

i ng c l i ón Mick t' ch/ n m ng Anh i

ch a xa thì Mick thình lình xu t hi!n bên c nh lái

m t chi c Volvo láng coóng

“B n ã l y chi c xe hơi p này t' âu v y!” Paddy kinh ng c h i

“À, tôi s k Nó gi ng th này,” Mick nói “ Tôi

ang n m ó ch/ ng ánh m t gi c ng ng n

ngon lành và tôi m i ch) tr mình sang phía kia thì

m t quý bà d+ th ơng ánh xe Volvo p và m i

n và h i tôi có mu n i m t vòng v i nàng không

0, tôi ngh t i sao không M t t i p tr i d o

m t vòng V y là tôi lên xe Nàng lái xe i m t ch p

và sau ó ngo c ra cánh ng Nàng b c ra kh i

xe, c i h t qu n áo và nói:

“L y cái anh mu n!” Vì th tôi l y chi c Volvo

VENGEANCE

Two high school sweethearts who went out together

for four years in high school were both virgins; they

enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th

grade When they graduated, they wanted to both go

to the same college but the girl was accepted to a

college on the east coast, and the guy went to the

west coast They agreed to be faithful to each other

and spend anytime they could together

As time went on, the guy would call the girl

and she would never be home, and when he wrote,

she would take weeks to return the letters Even

when he emailed her, she took days to return his

messages

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to

date around He didn't take this very well and

increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win

back her love Because she became annoyed, and

now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off

her back

So, what she did is this: she took a picture of

her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it

to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a

new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to

say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so,

was pissed So, what he did next was awesome

He wrote on the back of the photo the

following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time

at college, please send more money!" and mailed the

picture to her parents

BÁO THÙ

M t ôi tình nhân h c sinh trung h c cùng

h c b n n m u còn tân; h bi t mùi s$ ánh m t

trinh ti t v i nhau l p 10 Khi h t t nghi!p, h

mu n c hai vào cùng tr ng cao ng nh ng cô gái

c vào m t tr ng cao ng b ông (n c M2)

và chàng trai i n b tây H ng ý chung th y

v i nhau và s cùng nhau m/i khi h có th

Th i gian trôi qua, chàng trai th ng g i cô

gái và cô không bao gi có m t nhà, và khi anh

vi t th , cô th ng m t hàng tu n tr l i th

Th m chí khi anh email, cô c.ng m t nhi u ngày

tr l i thông i!p

Cu i cùng, cô thú nh n v i anh cô mu n h n

hò yêu ơng lung tung Anh không xem vi!c này quan tr ng và t ng c ng i!n tho i, th t' và email, c giành l i tình yêu c a cô B i cô tr nên b$c mình, và bây gi ã có b n trai m i nên cô

mu n v#t b anh ra phía sau

Vì v y, i u cô làm nh sau: cô ch(p m t b#c nh cô ang làm tình v i b n trai m i và g&i t i

b n trai c v i m t l i ghi:”Em ã tìm m t b n trai

m i, hãy m c em.” A, không c n nói, chàng trai này tan nát cõi lòng, th m chí còn hơn th , tr nên say s a Vi th i u ti p theo anh làm là r t kinh

kh ng

Anh ta vi t trên m t sau c a t m nh dòng

ch sau:”Ba má yêu quý, con s ng r t vui v trong

tr ng cao ng, xin g&i thêm ti n cho con!” và g&i b#c hình t i ba má cô gái

RAVISHING GIRL AND 3 MEN

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and

a ravishing young girl The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull

a buck out of their wallet, and then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs." Men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, all three fork over the money Then the girl turns to the

window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

CÔ GÁI C C K# H P D N VÀ 3 NG I

ÀN ÔNG

Trong m t ng n xe l&a, có 3 ng i àn ông

và m t cô gái tr c$c ký h p d*n C b n ng i cùng hòa vào m t cu c nói chuy!n mà ch ng bao lâu sau

ó chuy n sang chuy!n g i tình

Sau ó, cô gái tr ngh%:”N u m/i ng i trong s các anh a em 1 ô la thì em s cho các anh th y chân em.”

Ba ng i àn ông, b% mê ho c b i cô gái tr

này, t t c lôi m t ô la ra kh i túi h , và sau ó cô

gái kéo váy lên m t ít cho th y c p chân nàng

Sau ó nàng nói:”N u m/i trong s quý ông

các anh a em 10 ô la, em s cho các anh th y ùi

em.”

"àn ông là àn ông, c 3 ng i u lôi ra t

10 ô la Cô gái kéo h t váy cho n lót

Cu c nói chuy!n ti p t(c, và ba ng i àn

ông, có ph n b% kích thích, t t c u c i áo ngoài

Sau ó cô gái tr nói:”N u các anh a em 100 ô la

thì em s cho các anh th y nơi em b% m ru t th'a.”

M t cách t$ nhiên, c ba ng i u a ti n Sau ó

cô gái quay qua c&a s và ch) m t b!nh vi!n xa và

nói:”"ó!”

INDECENT PROPOSAL

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says,

"Excuse me, would you have sex with a man you

didn't know for one million dollars?"

She thinks about the proposition for a

minute, and then replies,"Yes, I would sleep with a

man I don't know for a million dollars."

The man then asks,"Would you sleep with me

for fifty cents?"

Insulted, the woman replies, "Of course not!!

How could you ask me such a thing?"

The man states, "Well, we've already

established the fact that you're a whore Now I'm

just haggling over the price."

L I NGH" KHI M NHÃ

M t ng i àn ông i t i m t ph( n trong m t bar

và nói:”Xin l/i, cô có ng v i m t ng i àn ông cô

không quen l y m t tri!u ô la không?”

Cô ta suy ngh v l i ngh% trong m t phút, sau ó

tr l i:”6, tôi s ng v i m t ng i àn ông tôi

không quen l y m t tri!u ô la.”

Sau ó ng i àn ông h i:”V y cô có ng v i tôi

l y n m m ơi xu không?”

B% xúc ph m, ng i àn bà tr l i:”D nhiên không!

Làm th nào ông có th h i tôi m t vi!c nh v y?”

Ng i àn ông nói:”À, chúng ta ã t o c s$ ki!n

là cô là m t con Bây gi tôi ch) tr giá mà thôi.”

I’M DYING FROM AIDS

A son and father went to see a doctor since

the father was getting very ill The doctor told the

father and son that the father was dying from cancer

The father, who was an Irishman, turned to

his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it’s

our tradition to drink to health as it is in death, so

let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."

Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS

Shocked, the son turns to his father and says,

"Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?"

The father replies, "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys shagging your mom when I'm gone."

Ng i cha, là m t ng i Ai len, quay qua

#a con trai và nói:”Con, ngay c trong ngày u ám này thì truy n th ng c a chúng ta là nh u chúc s#c

kh e khi chúng ta ch t, vì th hãy i t i quán nh u

và n ti!c cho s$ qua i c a ba.”

M t cách mi+n c -ng, ng i con trai i theo

ng i cha t i m t quán nh u trong vùng 9 ó, h

th ng th#c r u bia, ng i cha g p m t s b n c

và nói v i h ông s ch t vì AIDS

B% s c, ng i con trai quay qua ng i cha và nói:”Th a ba, ba không ch t vì AIDS, mà vì ung

th , t i sao ba nói láo nh ng ng i này?”

Ng i cha áo:”A, con ta, con úng, nh ng

ba không mu n nh ng gã này quan h! tình d(c v i

má con khi ba ra i.”

THE PROPOSAL

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked

"Because he also told me he is an atheist Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

L I C U HÔN

M t bu i t i, m t cô gái v nhà tr+, hơi bu n Cô ta nói v i má:”Anthony c u hôn con m t ti ng tr c ây.”

“V y sao con bu n?” má cô ta h i

“Vì anh y nói v i con anh y là m t ng i vô th n

Má à, anh y th m chí không tin có %a ng(c.”

Má cô ta tr l i:”Dù sao c.ng c i anh ta i Gi a

hai má con ta, chúng ta s cho anh ta th y anh ta sai

l m nh th nào.”

GIA ÌNH

INHERITANCE

Two friends meet on a Miami street One looked

forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears The other

man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole

world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you Three

weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand

dollars."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started Two weeks

ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket , and

left me eighty-five thousand dollars."

"Sounds like you should be grateful."

"Last week my great aunt passed away I

inherited almost a

quarter of a million."

"Then how come you look so glum?"

"This week nothing!"

TH A K

Hai ng i b n g p nhau trên ng ph Miami M t

ng i trông au kh , và g n nh khóc Ng i àn

ông kia nói:” Này, làm th nào mà trông b n nh

trong th gi i này s(p v y?”

Ng i b n bu n bã nói:”" tôi k cho b n nghe.Ba

tu n tr c ây, m t ông bác ch t và l i cho tôi

b n m ơi ngàn ô la.”

“"i u ó không t!.”

“Nghe ti p này, tôi ch) m i b t u Hai tu n tr c,

m t ng i anh h tôi ch a bao gi bi t n ch t

ngo o, và l i cho tôi tám m ơi l m ngàn.”

“Coi b b n nên bi t ơn anh y.”

“Tu n qua bà tr tôi “ra i” Tôi th'a k g n nh

m t ph n t tri!u.”

“V y thì làm sao trông b n r u r quá v y?”

“Tu n này … ch ng có gì h t!”

HE HAS NO PLANS

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her

parents After dinner, her mother tells her father to

find out about the young man The father invites the

fiancee for a drink

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the

young man

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies

"A Torah scholar Hmmm," the father says

"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice

house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide Later, the mother asks,

"How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but he thinks I'm God."

ANH TA KHÔNG CÓ K HO CH NÀO C

M t ph( n tr d*n ng i ch ng t ơng lai vnhà g p cha m Sau b a n, bà m nói v i ng i cha tìm hi u ng i thanh niên Ng i cha m i con r

t ơng lai u ng r u

“V y k ho ch t ơng lai c a con là gì?”

ng i cha h i ng i thanh niên

“Con là nhà nghiên c#u n m cu n sách u

c a Kinh Thánh,” anh ta tr l i

“Nhà nghiên c#u n m cu n sách u c a Kinh Thánh H'mmm,” ng i cha nói “"áng ph(c,

nh ng anh s làm gì t o cho con gái tôi m t ngôi nhà xinh nh nó ã quen r i?”

“Con s nghiên c#u,” ng i thanh niên tr

l i, “và Chúa s t o cho chúng con.”

“Và anh s làm th nào mua cho nó m t chi c nh*n ính hôn p nh nó áng c nh

th ?” ng i cha h i

“Con s t p trung vào các nghiên c#u c a con,” ng i thanh niên áp,” Chúa s cho chúng con.”

“Và con cái?” ng i cha h i.” Anh s làm

th nào nuôi con?”

“"'ng lo, th a bác, Chúa s nuôi,” ông

ch ng t ơng lai áp

Câu chuy!n c# ti p t(c nh v y, và c# m/i

l n ng i cha t câu h i thì nhà duy tâm tr l i ququy t Chúa s ban cho M t lát sau ng i m

h i:”Chuy!n ra sao r i, anh yêu?”

Ng i cha tr l i:”Anh ta không có k ho ch nào c , nh ng anh ta ngh anh là Chúa.”

MY THREE CHEAP SONS

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were

celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their

three grown sons joined them for dinner The old

man was rather irritated when he discovered none of

the boys had bothered to bring a gift,

and after the meal, he drew them aside

"You're all grown men," he said, "and old

enough to hear this Your mother and I have never

been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons "Do you

mean to say we're all bastards?"

"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones,

too!"

BA A CON TRAI R TI N C A TÔI

M t ông già th ng l u giàu có và v làm l+ k5

ni!m 35 n m ngày c i và ba ng i con trai l n c a

h c.ng d$ b a n t i Ông già hơi t#c gi n khi

khám phá ra không ai trong nh ng ng i con trai ã

quan tâm n m t món quà và sau b a ti!c, ông kéo

ba ng i #ng bên c nh

“T(i mày t t c u là nh ng ng i àn ông tr ng

thành,” ông nói, và ã l n nghe i u này M

t(i mày và tao ch a bao gi c i nhau chính th#c.”

“Cái gì?” m t trong nh ng #a con há h c mi!ng

kinh ng c “Ý ba mu n nói t(i con t t c u là con

hoang?”

“"úng,” ông già ng t l i, “ và còn là nh ng #a r

ti n n a!”

THE GIFTS

Three sons left home, went out on their own and

prospered Getting back together they discussed gifts

they were able to give their elderly mother The first

said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with

a driver."

The third smiled and said, "Ha, I got you both beat

Remember how mother loved to read the Bible?

And you know that she can't see very well? Well, I

sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire

Bible It took Church elders 14 years to teach him

Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the

parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Adam," she wrote one son, "The house you built is

so big I live in only one room, but I have to clean

the whole house."

"Jon," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel

and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the

Mercedes And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes The chicken was absolutely delicious "

NH NG MÓN QUÀ

Ba ng i con trai r i gia ình, m/i ng i m/i ng và u phát tài Lúc cùng nhau tr v , hbàn b c v nh ng món quà h có th t ng cho ng i

m già Ng i u tiên nói:”Anh s xây m t c n nhà

l n cho m chúng ta.”

Ng i th# hai nói:”Em s g&i cho m m t chi c Mercedes cùng v i tài x ”

Ng i th# ba c i và nói:”Ha, em s hơn

h n hai anh Hãy nh m thích c Kinh Thánh nh

th nào? Và hai anh bi t r ng m nhìn không t t? A,

em s g&i m m t con v t áng kinh ng c có th c thu c lòng c b Kinh Thánh.M t 14 n m m y

“Gerald yêu quý nh t c a m ,” bà vi t cho

#a con th# ba, “Con có l ơng th#c t t bi t m thích

gì Con chim tuy!t ngon ”

BANTER BIT

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband "I've been insulted," she sobbed "Your mother insulted me."

"My mother!" he exclaimed "But she is a hundred miles away."

"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."

He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"

"In the postscript," she answered "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"

M T TÍ GI%U C T

Ng i v tr y n c m t khi cô m c&a cho ch ng.”Em v'a b% xúc ph m,” cô n#c n “Má anh xúc ph m em.”

“Má anh!” ch ng kêu lên “Nh ng bà xa hàng

tr m d m.”

“Em bi t, nh ng m t lá th cho anh n sáng

nay và em m nó.”

Ng i ch ng trông có v c#ng r n:”Anh

bi t, nh ng l i xúc ph m t' âu n?”

“Trong ph n tái bút,” cô tr l i Nó c

vi t:” Alice yêu quý, 'ng quên a lá th này cho

George.”

MA, GUESS WHO I’M GOING TO MARRY

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in

love and is going to get married He says, "Just for

fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and

you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees

The next day he brings three beautiful

women into the house and sits them down on the

couch and they chat for a while He then says, "Ok,

Ma Guess which one I'm going to marry." She

immediately replies, "the red-head in the middle."

He was surprised that his mother was able to

guess the correct woman, "How do you know?!"

The mother replies, "I don't like her!"

MÁ, OÁN XEM CON S$ C I AI

M t thanh niên háo h#c nói v i má anh ta anh ta ã

yêu và s c i v Anh ta nói:”" làm vui, má, con

s em v nhà 3 ng i àn bà và má hãy c oán

con s c i ai.” Ng i má ng ý

Ngày hôm sau anh ta em v ba ph( n p vô nhà

và m i h ng i vào tr ng k5 và h tán g*u m t

lúc.Sau ó anh ta nói:”" c r i, má "oán th& con

s c i ai.” Bà ta tr l i ngay l p t#c:”Cô tóc hoe

gi a.”

Anh ta ng c nhiên r ng má anh ta có th oán úng

ng i ph( n :”Làm sao má bi t?!” Bà má áp:”Má

không thích cô ta!”

GOING OUT IN STYLE

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a

son who lived far away called his brother and told

him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the

bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid The

next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which

he also paid, figuring it was some incidental

expense

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and

finally the man called his brother again to find out

what was going on

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do

something nice for Dad So I rented him a tuxedo."

RA I H P M T

Không th d$ ám tang sau khi ba ch t, m t

ng i con trai s ng xa nhà g i i!n cho anh trai và nói:”Làm cái gì hay cho ba i và g&i em cái hóa ơn.”

Sau ó, anh ta nh n m t cái hóa ơn 200 ô

la, anh ta tr Tháng sau, anh ta nh n m t cái hóa

ơn khác 200 ô la, anh ta c.ng tr , tính nh m t món chi tiêu ph(

Nh ng cái hóa ơn 200 ô la v*n ti p t(c t i m/i tháng, và cu i cùng ng i àn ông g i i!n anh trai m t l n n a tìm ra chuy!n gì ang x y ra “À,” ng i anh kia tr l i, “em nói làm cái gì

ó hay cho ba Vì v y anh thuê cho ba m t cái áo

xm ckinh

TR EM GOD IS WATCHING

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch At the head of the table was a large pile of apples The nun had made a note,

"Take only one, God is watching."

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies One of the boys had written a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

CHÚA ANG THEO DÕI

B n tr c x p hàng m t quán n t$ph(c v( c a m t tr ng o Thiên Chúa n tr a

9 phía u c a cái bàn là m t ng táo l n.Bà xơ ã

vi t m t dòng ghi chú, “ L y ch) m t thôi, Chúa ang theo dõi.”

"i n cu i hàng, t i u hàng bên kia là

m t ng l n bánh quy sôcôla.M t #a tr ã vi t

m t dòng chú, “ L y t t c nh ng gì b n mu n, Chúa ang theo dõi nh ng trái táo.”

TWO KIDS …

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying next to each other, outside the operating room The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about I had that done when I was four They put you to sleep, and when you wake

up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream It’s a breeze.” The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.” And the second kid says, “Whoa, I had that done when I was born, couldn’t walk for a year.”

HAI A TR …

Hai #a nh ang trong b!nh vi!n, n m sát nhau

bên ngoài phòng ph*u thu t."#a tr u tiên

nghiêng ng i và h i:”T i sao c u vào ây?” "#a

tr th# hai nói:” T n m ây l y ami an ra và t

hơi s ” "#a tr th# nh t nói:”C u không vi!c gì lo

l ng c T ã c ng i ta m khi t b n tu i.H

làm c u ng , và khi c u th#c d y h cho c u nhi u

m#t cô c và kem D+ thôi.” Sau ó #a tr th# hai

h i:”T i sao c u vào ây?” "#a th# nh t nói:” C t

bao quy u.” Và #a thú hai nói:” Ô, t c ng i

ta c t khi t sinh ra, không th i trong m t n m.”

TROUBLE MAKERS …

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two

brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly

mischievous Whenever something went wrong in

the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it

Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control

them Hearing about a minister nearby who worked

with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the

father that they ask the minister to talk with the

boys The father agreed

The mother went to the minister and made her

request He agreed, but said he wanted to see the

younger boy first and alone So the mother sent him

to the minister The minister sat the boy down on the

other side of his huge, impressive desk For about

five minutes they just sat and stared at each other

Finally, the minister pointed his forefinger at the boy

and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the

room, all around, but said nothing

Again, louder, the minister pointed at the boy and

asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the minister

leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger

almost to the boy's nose, and asked "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home Finding

his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their

room and into the closet, where they usually plotted

their mischief He finally said, "We are in

9 m t xóm ngo i ô, có hai anh em, 8 và 10 tu i

qu y phá quá tay Khi có chuy!n qu y trong xóm thì

hóa ra là có bàn tay b n chúng.Cha m chúng vô

ph ơng k trong vi!c c g ng ki m soát chúng

Nghe nói có m t m(c s g n ó làm vi!c v i nh ng

#a tr ph m pháp , ng i m ngh% v i ông cha

r ng h m i ông m(c s nói chuy!n v i hai th ng

bé Ng i cha ng ý

Ng i m i t i ông m(c s và a ra l i th)nh c u Ông ng ý, nh ng nói ông mu n g p m t mình #a

nh hơn tr c Vì th ng i m g&i nó t i ông m(c

s Ông m(c s cho th ng bé ng i xu ng vào phía bên kia c a chi c bàn làm vi!c n t ng, s c a ông.Trong kho ng n m phút ông và nó ch) nhìn nhau ch m ch m

Cu i cùng, ông m(c s tr ngón tr vào th ng bé và

h i:” Chúa âu?”

Th ng bé nhìn xu ng bàn, nhìn trong các góc phòng,

t t c xung quanh, nh ng không nói gì c

M t l n n a, l n gi ng hơn, ông m(c s ch) vào #a

nh và h i:” Chúa âu?”

M t l n n a th ng bé nhìn h t xung quanh nh ng không nói gì c

L n th# ba, v i gi ng l n hơn, m nh m hơn, ông m(c s r n ng i qua bàn và t ngón tr g n nh (ng m.i th ng bé, và h i:”Chúa âu?”

WHO IS THE MOST OBEDIENT?

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present "Who is the most obedient?" he asked "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

AI VÂNG L I NH T?

Ng i cha c a n m #a tr giành c m t món chơi trong m t cu c s s Ông ta g i nh ng

#a tr l i h i #a nào nên nh n món quà “Ai là

ng i vâng l i nh t?” ông ta h i “Ai không bao gi

tr treo v i m ? Ai làm m i th# m nói?”

N m gi ng nói non n t c t lên ng thanh:”

"úng r i, ba, ba nh n chơi i.”

HE HAD SWALLOWED A PENNY

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room Rushing back in,

they found him crying hysterically He managed to

tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was

sure he was going to die No amount of talking

helped His father, in an attempt to calm him down,

palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to

pull it from Sammy's ear Sammy was delighted

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's

hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do

it again, Dad!"

CHÚ BÉ Ã NU T M T PENNY

Vào m t bu i t i, sau khi t #a tr ba tu i

Sammy vào gi ng, cha m #a bé nghe ti ng th n

th#c v ng ra t' phòng nó Ch y ng c tr l i, h

th y nó ang khóc d d i Nó c nói cho cha m bi t

r ng nó ã nu t m t ng xu penny và nó ch c r ng

nó s ch t Không th nói chuy!n giúp c gì Ba

nó, trong lúc c g ng d/ nó, chìa ra m t penny t' túi

qu n và gi v lôi nó ra t' tai Sammy.Sammy vui

m'ng

Nhanh nh ch p, nó ch p l y ng xu t' tay

ba nó, nu t i, sau ó h n h òi:”Làm n a i, ba!”

CHILDREN WORDS

A group of professional people posed this

question to a group of 4-to-8-year-olds: "What does

love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and

deeper than anyone could have imagined See what

you think

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she

couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even

when his hands got arthritis too That's love."

Rebecca, age 8

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a

boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and

smell each other."

Karl, age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give

somebody most of your French fries without making

them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy, age 6

"Love is when someone hurts you And you

get so mad but you don't yell at them because you

know it would hurt their feelings."

Samantha, age 7

"Love is what makes you smile when you're

tired."

Terri, age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for

my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him,

to make sure the taste is OK "

Danny, age 7 "Love is when you kiss all the time Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more My Mommy and Daddy are like that They look gross when they kiss " Emily, age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby, age 5

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

Nikka, age 6 “When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."

Matthew, age 7 "There are two kinds of love Our love God's love But God makes both kinds of them."

Jenny, age 8 "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle, age 7 "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy, age 6 "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling He was the only one doing that I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy, age 8 "My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare, age 5 "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine, age 5 "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

Chris, age 8 "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann, age 4 "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren, age 5

“I let my big sister pick on me because my

Mom says she only picks on me because she loves

me So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

Bethany, age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go

up and down and little stars come out of you."

Karen, age 7

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the

toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

Mark, age 8

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless

you mean it But if you mean it, you should say it a

lot People forget."

Jessica, age 8

"God could have said magic words to make the

nails fall off the cross, but He didn't That's love."

Max, age 5

NGÔN T TR EM

M t nhóm ng i chuyên nghi!p t câu h i

này:” Tình yêu ngh a là gì?” cho m t nhóm tr em 4

– 8 tu i

Nh ng câu tr l i thu c thì sâu và r ng

hơn b t c# ng i nào có th t ng t ng Hãy xem

nh ng gì b n ngh

“Khi bà c a cháu b% viêm kh p, bà không th

cúi ng i và sơn móng chân c n a Vì th ông

cháu lúc nào c.ng sơn móng chân cho bà, ngay c

khi hai bàn tay ông b% viêm kh p "ó là tình yêu.”

Rebecca, 8 tu i

“Yêu là khi con gái x#c n c hoa và con trai

x#c n c c o râu côlônhơ và h i chơi và ng&i l*n

nhau.”

Karl, 5 tu i

“Yêu là khi b n i n ngoài và cho ai ó

ph n l n khoai tây chiên c a b n mà không làm

“Tình yêu là khi má cháu pha cà phê cho ba

cháu và má u ng m t ng(m tr c khi a cho ba

b o m r ng v% cà phê thì c r i.”

Danny, 7 tu i

“Yêu là khi lúc nào b n c.ng hôn Sau ó

b n m!t m i vì hôn, nh ng b n v*n mu n bên

c nh nhau và b n nói chuy!n nhi u n a Má cháu và

ba cháu thì gi ng nh v y Ba v i má cháu trông thô thô khi hôn nhau.”

Emily, 8 tu i “Tình yêu là cái trong c n phòng v i b n lúc Nô-en n u b n ng'ng m quà t ng và l ng nghe.”

Bobby, 5 tu i “N u b n mu n h c yêu t t hơn, b n nên

b t u v i m t ng i b n mà b n ghét.”

Nikka, 6 tu i “Khi b n k ng i ta nghe cái gì ó x u v

b n và b n s h s không yêu b n n a Nh ng sau

ó b n tr nên ng c nhiên không ch) b i vì h còn yêu b n mà h còn yêu b n hơn.”

Matthew, 7 tu i “Có hai th# tình yêu Tình yêu c a chúng ta Tình yêu c a Chúa Nh ng Chúa t o ra c hai th#tình yêu.”

Jenny, 8 tu i “Yêu là khi b n nói v i m t anh chàng b n thích áo sơ mi c a anh ta, sau ó anh ta m c nó h ng ngày.”

Noelle, 7 tu i “Yêu gi ng nh m t bà lão nh và m t ông lão nh v*n làm b n v i nhau ngay c sau khi h

bi t nhau quá rõ.”

Tommy, 6 tu i “Trong cu c bi+u di+n c t u piano c a cháu, cháu trên sân kh u và ang s hãi Cháu nhìn t t c m i ng i ang xem cháu và th y ba cháu ang v*y tay và m)m c i Ba cháu là ng i duy nh t làm i u ó Cháu không còn s n a.” Cindy, 8 tu i

“Má cháu yêu cháu hơn b t c# ai Các cô chú

s không th y b t c# ng i nào hôn cháu i ngvào bu i t i.”

Clare, 5 tu i “Yêu là khi má a cho ba mi ng th%t gà ngon nh t.”

Elaine, 5 tu i “Yêu là khi má th y ba n ng mùi và y mhôi nh ng v*n nói ba p trai hơn Robert Redford.” Chris, 8 tu i

“Tình yêu là khi con cún c a b n li m m t

b n ngay c sau khi b n ã nó nhà m t mình cngày.”

Mary Ann, 4 tu i “Cháu bi t ch% cháu yêu cháu vì ch% cho cháu

t t c qu n áo c c a ch% và ph i i mua bên ngoài

nh ng món m i.”

Lauren, 5 tu i

“Cháu cho ch% l n cháu r y la cháu vì má

cháu nói ch% cháu ch) r y la cháu vì ch% yêu cháu Vì

th cháu r y #a em nh c a cháu vì cháu yêu nó.”

Berthany, 4 tu i

“Khi b n yêu ai ó, lông mi c a b n gi t lên

gi t xu ng và nh ng ngôi sao nh bay ra kh i ng i

“Chúa có th nói nh ng l i nhi!m màu

làm nh ng cây inh rơi kh i thánh giá, nh ng Ngài

không nói "ó là tình yêu.”

Max, 5 tu i

THE CITY BOY AND A DONKEY

A City boy, John, moved to the desert and bought a

donkey from an old farmer for $100 The farmer

agreed to deliver the mule the next day

The next day, the farmer drove up and said,

"Sorry, but I have some bad

news, the donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that I went and spent it already."

"OK, then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can Watch me I just won't tell

anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the city

boy and asked, "Hey John, what happened with that

dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off I sold five hundred tickets

at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00"

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won So I gave him his two

dollars back."

TH&NG BÉ THÀNH TH" VÀ CON L A

M t th ng bé thành th%, John, chuy n t i sa

m c và mua m t con l'a t' m t ông lão nông dân

giá 100 ô la Ông lão nông dân ng ý giao con l'a

ngày hôm sau

Hôm sau, ng i nông dân ch y t i và

nói:”Xin l/i, nh ng tôi có tin bu n, con l'a ã ch t.”

“Th à, v y thì a ti n l i cho cháu.”

“Không c Tôi i và tiêu h t r i.”

“" c r i, v y thì t ng kh# con l'a qua cho cháu.”

“Cháu s làm gì v i con l'a?”

“Cháu s m m t gi i th ng x s ”

“Cháu không th m gi i th ng b ng m t con c'u ch t!”

“Ch c ch n cháu làm c Ch xem Cháu

s không nói cho ai bi t nó là con l'a ch t.”

M t tháng sau ng i nông dân g p #a bé và

h i:”Này John, cái gì x y n v i con l'a ch t?” “Cháu ã m m t gi i th ng x s Cháu bán n m tr m vé giá 2 ô la m/i vé và l i 898 ô la.”

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet He dons his father’s old fishing hat As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

CHÚ BÉ JOHNNY

Chú bé Johnny 10 tu i ch y h c t c t' tr ng vnhà Chú chi m ngay cái t l nh và ang v c kem anh ào vani lên … thì má chú i vào nhà b p Bà

nói:”" t cái ó i ch/ khác, Johnny Con không th

n kem bây gi Quá g n gi n t i r i "i ra ngoài

và chơi i.”

Johnny thút thít và nói:”Không có ai chơi v i con.”

C d/ chú, bà m nói:”" c r i, má s chơi v i con

m c cái m câu cá c c a ba Trong lúc chú b t u

lên gác, chú chú ý th y m t m,u thu c lá trong cái

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of

the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush

in the toilet So I fished it out and threw it in the

garbage

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment,

then ran to my bathroom and came out with my

toothbrush He held it up and said with a charming

little smile, "We’d better throw this one out too then,

'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

BÀN CH I C U TIÊU

Con trai tôi Zachary, 4 tu i, ã kêu th t

thanh t' nhà v! sinh cho tôi bi t nó ã làm r t

bàn ch i ánh r ng vào toa lét Vì th tôi l y nó ra

và qu ng vào gi rác

Zachary #ng ó suy ngh m t lúc, sau ó

ch y vào toa lét c a tôi và i ra v i bàn ch i ánh

r ng c a tôi Nó giơ lên và hơi c i thú v%

nói:”Chúng ta c.ng nên ném cái này i n a vì nó rơi

vào toa lét vài hôm tr c.”

MOVING WITH JESUS

A family recently moved to New Jersey The

first night as the mother was putting her son, 2 1/2,

to bed, she said, "Let's say our prayers to Jesus."

The little boy asked, "Did he move with us

too?"

CHUY N NHÀ V I CHÚA GIÊXU

M t gia ình g n ây chuy n t i New Jersey

"êm u tiên trong khi ng i m ang t #a con trai hai tu i r -i lên gi ng, ch% nói:”Hãy c

nh ng bài kinh c u Chúa.”

"#a nh h i:”Ông ta c.ng chuy n nhà v i chúng

ta à?”

THE BIBLE

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly."I know what the word 'Bible' means!"

His father smiled and replied "What do you mean, you 'know what the word Bible means'?" The son replied, "I mean I figured out what the word stands for!"

"Okay," said his father "So, Son, what does the word 'Bible' stand for?"

"That's easy, Daddy " said the boy, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'."

KINH THÁNH

M t chú bé i n g n ông b , nói m t cách t$ hào:”Con bi t ngh a c a t' “Kinh Thánh”!” Ong b m)m c i và tr l i … “Con mu n nói gì, con bi t ngh a c a t' Kinh Thánh (Bible) ?” Chú bé tr l i:”Con mu n nói là con ã lu n

A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher

"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it." he responded

"Well, it doesn't matter," explained the teacher, "you don't know even what it means." "I do, so!" Jeffrey corrected "It means the car won't start."

CH'I TH

M t chú bé b% cô giáo b t g p ch&i th “Jeffrey,” cô nói, “em không nên dùng lo i ngôn t' ó Em nghe

nó âu?”

“Ba em nói v y.” chú tr l i

“À, không sao,” cô giáo nói, “em th m chí không

bi t nó có ngh a gì.”

“Em bi t mà!” Jeffrey s&a l i “Nó có ngh a là chi c

xe không kh i ng.”

THE INCREDIBLY FINE ARCHER

A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms

and servants when he comes upon a tree Archery

targets are painted all over it, and smack in the

middle of each is an arrow

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the

duke "I must find him."

After continuing through the forest for a few

miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow

and arrow Eventually the boy admits that it was he

who

shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and

hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asks

the duke worriedly

"No my lord I shot them from 100 paces I

swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," says the duke "I

hereby admit you into my service But I must ask

one favor in return You must tell me how you came

to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at

the tree, and then I paint the target around it."

TAY CUNG ÁNG KINH NG C

M t công t c ang i s n trong r'ng v i nh ng

ng i lính v trang và b y tôi thì ông ta n bên m t

cây r'ng Bia b n cung c sơn lên kh p thân cây,

và c m úng vào gi a m/i cái là m t m.i tên

“Ai là cung th áng kinh ng c này?” công t c kêu

lên “Tôi ph i tìm anh ta.”

Ti p t(c xuyên qua r'ng m t vài d m, ông ta tình c

g p m t chú bé mang cung tên Cu i cùng chú bé

th'a nh n chính chú b n nh ng m.i tên úng ngay

vào gi a nh ng cái ích

“Cháu không leo lên nh ng cái ích và óng nh ng

m.i tên vào gi a ích ch#, ph i không?” v% công

t c h i m t cách lo l ng

“Không, th a ngài Cháu b n t' xa 100 b c Cháu

xin th b ng t t c nh ng cái cháu cho là linh

thiêng.”

“"áng kinh ng c th t s$,” công t c nói “Chính vì

v y ta s thu nh n cháu Nh ng ta mu n m t s$ áp

tr Cháu ph i cho ta bi t làm th nào chú tr thành

m t cung th ngo i h ng nh v y.”

“À,” #a bé nói, “ tr c tiên cháu b n tên vào cây,

sau ó cháu v ích xung quanh nó.”

QUESTIONS OF THE DAY

(As answered by elementary school students) How Do You Decide Who To Marry? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff Like, if you like sports, she should like

it

- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow

up who they're going to marry God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with

- Kirsten, age 10 What is the Right Age To Get Married? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then

- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at You got to

be a fool to get married

- Freddie, age 6 What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?

Both don't want any more kids

- Lori, age 8 What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough

I'd run home and play dead The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns

- Craig, age 9 When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

When they're rich

- Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that

- Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them It's the right thing to do

- Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys Boys need someone to clean up after

them

- Anita, age 9

How Would The World Be Different If People

Didn't Get Married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,

wouldn't there?

- Kelvin, age 8

How Would You Make a Marriage Work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she

looks like a truck

nh ng cu c h n hi u bi t l*n nhau Ngay c con

trai c.ng có vài i u nói n u b n nghe lâu

Tôi s ch y v nhà và gi ch t Ngày hôm

sau tôi s g i t t c các t báo và làm sao b o

m là h vi t v tôi trên nh ng c t cáo phó

Howard, 8 tu i " c thân và có gia ình cái nào t t hơn? Con gái c thân thì t t hơn nh ng con trai thì không Con trai c n có ng i c gi s ch

s Anita, 9 tu i Làm th nào b n b n gi gìn m t cu c hôn nhân?

Nói v i v r ng cô y d+ th ơng ngay c khi

cô ta trông nh m t chi c xe t i

Ricky, 10 tu i

PRIEST AND THE DOORBELL

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street However, the doorbell is just out of his reach

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a ring

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN!"

V" LINH M C VÀ CHUÔNG C'A

Vào m t ngày kia m t v% linh m(c ang i trên ng thì ông ta chú ý th y m t chú bé ang c

g ng nh n chuông c&a trên m t cái nhà bên kia

ng Tuy v y, cái chuông ngoài t m v i c a chú

Sau khi xem nh ng c g ng c a chú bé trong

m t lúc, linh m(c ti n g n hơn v ch/ chú bé Ông

b c nhanh qua ng, i l i phía sau chàng trai

nh và d%u dàng t trên vai #a tr , nghiêng ng i

The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

The boy quickly replied, "What good would

that have done? My aim is much

better than yours."

L I KHUYÊN NG I MÁ

“Má m c c- v i con quá,” ng i má nói

“"ánh l n v i b n thân c a con là m t vi!c làm

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your

little boy decided what he wants to be when he

grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,"

replied the boy's father

His friend thought for a moment and

responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have

for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that

garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

Ông b n suy ngh m t lúc r i tr l i:”"ó là

m t ý mu n hơi l cho m t s$ nghi!p.”

“0,” ng i cha nói:”Nó ngh là nh ng ng i

thu gom rác ch) làm vi!c vào th# Ba!”

WALK TO SCHOOL

Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom

loved very much and, being a worrier, she was

concerned about him walking to school when he

started Kindergarten She walked him to school the

couple of days, but when he came home one day, he

told his mother that he did not want her walking him

to school everyday He wanted to be like the "big

boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of

how to handle it

She asked a neighbor, Mrs Goodnest, if she

would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a

distance behind him that he would not likely notice,

but close enough to keep a watch on him

Mrs Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed

The next school day, Mrs Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as

he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew She did this for the whole week As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week

Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."

The little friend said, "Well who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life." so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.”

I B T I TR NG

Timmy là m t th ng bé nh n m tu i c má

th ơng r t nhi u và, là m t ng i hay lo, ch% lo âu

v vi!c chú i t i tr ng khi chú b t u i nhà tr Ch% d*n nó t i tr ng hai ngày, nh ng khi chú vnhà m t ngày kia, chú nói v i má r ng chú không

mu n má d*n chú t i tr ng hàng ngày Chú mu n

gi ng nh nh ng “anh l n.” Chú ph n i m , vì

th ch% có m t ý t ng v vi!c làm th nào gi i quy t chuy!n ó

Ch% h i m t ng i hàng xóm, bà Goodnest, bà có ch%u bí m t i theo #a con c a ch% t i tr ng, gi

m t kho ng cách phía sau chú mà chú không có kh

n ng chú ý, nh ng g n trông ch'ng chú

Bà Goodnest nói r ng vì bà th#c d y s m v i #a bé

m i bi t i c a bà cho nên ó là m t cách hay h

t p th d(c chút )nh n a vì th bà ng ý

Ngày i h c ti p theo, bà Goodnest và #a con gái

nh , Marcy, kh i i theo phía sau Timmy trong lúc chú i b t i tr ng v i m t chú bé hàng xóm khác chú bi t Bà làm nh th trong c tu n Trong khi hai chú bé i b và tán g*u, á nh ng c(c á và cành cây con, chú b n nh c a Timmy chú ý r ng bà này ang theo chúng có v nh bà làm v y m/i ngày c

tu n

“"ó là bà Shirley Goodnest” Timmy nói

“Shirley Goodnest? Bà y là bà ch t d*m nào và t i

sao bà y theo t(i mình?”

“À,” Timmy gi i thích, “m/i t i má tao b t tao c

bào Thánh ca s 23 v i l i c u nguy!n vì má tao lo

v tao quá nhi u Và trong ó, bài Thánh ca

vi t:”Shirley Goodnest và Marcy s theo tôi su t t t

c các ngày trong i tôi.” Vì v y tao oán là tao s

ph i quen v i chuy!n ó i.”

FRECKLES AND WRINKLES

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose

face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the

day at the zoo Lots of children were waiting in line

to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was

decorating them with tiger paws

"You've got so many freckles, there's no

place to paint!" A girl in the line said to the little

fella Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head

His grandmother knelt down next to him "I

love your freckles When I was a little girl I always

wanted freckles,” she said, while tracing her finger

across the child's cheek "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother "Why, just

name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered

intensely into his grandma's face, and softly

whispered, "Wrinkles."

TÀN NHANG VÀ N P NH N

M t bà lão và #a cháu nh c a bà v i khuôn m t

r c y nh ng tàn nhang sáng ang chơi m t ngày

trong v n thú Nhi u tr em ang i trong hàng

c v má b i m t h a s %a ph ơng, ng i ang

trang trí cho chúng v i nh ng vu t c p

“Mày có quá nhi u tàn nhang, không có ch/ nào

v h t!” M t #a con gái trong hàng nói v i chú bé

Chú bé lúng túng cúi u xu ng

Bà c a chú qu1 xu ng sát chú “Bà thích nh ng n p

nh n c a cháu Khi bà còn là m t #a con gái, bà

luôn luôn mu n có tàn nhang,” bà nói trong khi a

ngón tay ngang qua má #a bé “Tàn nhang là p!”

Chú bé nhìn lên:”Th t à?”

“D nhiên,” bà nói “Th nào, ch) cho bà m t th# p

hơn tàn nhang i.”

KHÔNG TH THAY TH C

"#a cháu trai sáu tu i c a tôi g i i!n tho i cho m

nó t' nhà b n Charlie và thú nh n nó ã làm b m t cái èn khi nó qu ng m t trái banh vào phòng khách

c a h

“Nh ng, má à,” nó nói v i v t ơi t)nh, “má không

ph i lo vi!c mua m t cái khác.Má Charlie nói nó không th thay th c.”

ABSTRACT NOUN

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it Can anyone give me an example of one?"

"Sure," a boy replied "How about my dad's new car."

DANH T TR U T NG

“M t danh t' tr'u t ng,” giáo viên nói “là m t cái

gì ó các em có th ngh t i nh ng các em không th

ch m t i c.Ai có th cho cô m t ví d(?”

“Th a cô,” m t nam sinh lên ti ng “Chi c xe hơi

m i c a ba em c không ”

Tôn giáo và th n linh

THE AMISH HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR TOO

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to

an Amish carriage The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign

"Energy efficient vehicle Runs on oats and grass Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

NG I GIÁO PHÁI AMISH C)NG CÓ ÓC KHÔI HÀI

Trong khi ang lái Pennsylvania (m t bang Hoa K1 – ND), m t gia ình b t k%p m t chi c xe ng$a

c a giáo phái Amish Ch xe h n nhiên có óc khôi hài, vì g n vào sau xe là m t bi u t ng in hình bàn tay …

“Ph ơng ti!n v n t i có hi!u su t n ng l ng cao

Ch y b ng y n m ch và c Chú ý: Không d*m lên

x ”

ARTHRITIS …

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down

on a subway seat next to a priest The man's tie was

stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and

a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his

torn coat pocket He opened his newspaper and

began reading After a few minutes the man turned

to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes

arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with

cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a

contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with

prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered,

returning to his paper

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged

the man and apologized "I'm very sorry I didn't

mean to come on so strong How long have you had

arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father I was just reading here that

the Pope does"

VIÊM KH P …

M t ng i àn ông say x)n s$c mùi bia ng i xu ng

trên m t gh mêtrô k bên m t linh m(c Cà v t c a

ng i àn ông v y b,n, m t ông ta dính y nh ng

v t son , và m t n&a chai r u gin tr ng r/ng chìa

ra kh i túi áo choàng rách c a ông ta Ông ta m t

báo và b t u c Sau m t vài phút, ng i àn ông

quay l i v% linh m(c và h i:” Hãy nói, th a cha, cái

nói, dùng khu5u tay huých ng i àn ông và xin

l/i:” Tôi r t l y làm ti c Tôi không có ý nói n ng

Con b% viêm kh p bao lâu r i?”

“Con không b%, th a cha Con ch) c ây r ng

"#c Giáo Hoàng b%.”

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING?

A recently married minister went to his

congregation, informed them of his wife's pregnancy

and asked for a raise that would allow him a

reasonable salary After deliberation it was agreed

that the increase in family size warranted the raise

After six births in six years the congregants called a meeting to complain that the cost was becoming burdensome Things got contentious Finally, the minister stood at the altar and said, a little angrily, "Having children is an act of God!"

"Snow and rain are acts of God too." a man at the back of the room said, "But most of us wear rubbers."

QUÁ NHI U VI C T T?

M t m(c s m i c i v i n giáo oàn, báo cho

h bi t v ông ã mang thai và xin t ng m t m#c

l ơng h p lý Sau khi bàn b c h ng ý r ng s$

t ng nhân kh,u trong gia ình là lý do t ng l ơng Sau sáu l n sinh trong sáu n m các thành viên giáo oàn tri!u t p m t cu c h p ch) trích r ng phí t n ang tr nên n ng n V( vi!c gây ra nhi u tranh cãi

Cu i cùng, m(c s #ng t i bàn th và nói m t cách hơi t#c gi n:” Sinh con là m t hành vi c a Chúa!”

"Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father." The Jewish man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir,

I am the father for many."

The Jewish man quickly answered "I too am the father of many I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count But I wear my collar like everyone else does Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people." The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said

"Mister, maybe you should wear your pants

backwards."

T I SAO ÔNG M*C C ÁO KI U Ó?

M t ông già Do Thái có l n i xe i!n ng m và ông

ta ng i c nh m t ng i àn ông tr hơn.Ông ta chú ý

r ng ng i àn ông tr có m t ki u áo sơ mi

l Tr c gi ch a t'ng g p m t linh m(c, ông ta h i

ng i àn ông:”Xin l/i, th a ông, vì sao ông m c c

áo sơ mi phía sau?”

V% linh m(c hơi b i r i m t tí nh ng l%ch s$ tr

l i:”Tôi m c c áo này vì tôi là cha.”

Ông già Do Thái suy ngh m t giây và áp l i:”Th a

ông, tôi c.ng là cha nh ng tôi m c c áo ra

tr c.T i sao ông m c c áo quá khác l ?”

V% linh m(c suy ngh trong m t giây và nói:”Th a

ông, tôi là cha c a nhi u ng i.”

Ông già Do Thái mau mi!ng tr l i:”Tôi c.ng là cha

c a nhi u ng i." m tôi có b n trai, b n gái và

r t nhi u cháu.Nh ng tôi m c c áo gi ng nh m i

ng i khác u m c.T i sao ông m c c áo theo

ki u c a ông?”

V% linh m(c b t u có ý ngh b$c t#c và sau ó nói

th ng ra:”Th a ông, tôi là cha c a hàng tr m và

hàng tr m ng i.”

Ông già Do Thái s&ng s t và im l ng m t lúc

lâu.Trong lúc ông ta #ng lên r i tàu i!n ng m,

ông ta ngã ng i v phía linh m(c và nói:”Th a

ông, có l ông nên m c qu n ng c v phía sau.”

WHAT DOES EVERY WOMAN WANT?

A man is walking down the beach and comes across

an old bottle He picks it up, pulls out the cork and

out pops a genie The genie says "Thank you for

freeing me from the bottle In return I will grant you

three wishes."

The man says "Great I always dreamed of

this and I know exactly what I want First, I want 1

Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of

paper with account numbers appears in his hand He

continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari

right

here."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red

brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him He

continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to

women."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns

into a box of chocolates

M I PH N MU N CÁI GÌ?

M t ng i àn ông ang i xu ng bãi bi n

và tình c th y m t cái chai c Anh ta nh t lên, mnút ra và m t v% th n v t ra.V% th n nói:”C m ơn ông ã gi i thoát tôi kh i cái chai.Tôi s cho ông ba

i u c n áp.”

Ng i àn ông nói:”Th t tuy!t.Tôi ã luôn

mơ t i i u này và bây gi tôi bi t chính xác tôi

mu n gì.Tr c tiên tôi mu n 1 t) ô la trong m t tài kho n ngân hàng Th(y s ”

Ph(p!M t tia sáng phát ra và m t m,u gi y

v i nh ng con s tài kho n hi!n ra trong tay anh ta.Anh ta ti p t(c:”Ti p theo, tôi mu n m t chi c Ferrari m i nguyên xi ngay ây.”

Ph(p!M t tia sáng phát ra và m t chi c Ferrari m i cáu màu t ơi xu t hi!n ngay c nh anh ta.Anh ta ti p t(c:”Cu i cùng, tôi mu n tr nên

h p d*n không c -ng l i c i v i ph( n ” Ph(p! M t tia sáng phát ra và anh ta bi n thành m t h p sôcôla

HE COULD NOT RECALL THE JOKE

Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, " and I can't remember who she was!"

ÔNG TA KHÔNG TH NH L I L I ÙA VUI

G n ây m t xêmina c t ch#c cho các m(c

s ang c hu n luy!n.Trong s khách có nhi u di+n gi có s#c thu hút n i ti ng.M t trong nh ng

ng i ó t$ tin b c lên b(c gi ng kinh , thu hút s$chú ý c a toàn ám ông, nói:”Nh ng n m p nh t trong i tôi ã tr i qua trong vòng tay c a m t

ng i àn bà không ph i v tôi !” "ám ông b% s c!

Ông ta ti p t(c b ng cách nói:” Và ng i àn bà ó

là m tôi!” "ám ông n ra m t tr n c i và ông ta

c bài di+n v n, sau ó k t thúc t t p

Kho ng m t tu n sau, m t trong nh ng m(c s ã

d$ xêmina quy t %nh dùng l i úa vui ó trong bài

thuy t giáo c a ông ta.Vào m t ngày ch nh t,trong

lúc ông ta l i g n b(c gi ng kinh m t cách nhút

nhát, ông ta c g ng nh,m l i câu chuy!n vui trong

u.Có v nh u óc ông ta hơi không sáng s a

sáng s a trong sáng hôm nay.C m micrô, ông ta nói

l n:”Nh ng n m p nh t c a i tôi tr i qua trong

vòng tay c a m t ph( n khác không ph i v tôi!”

"ám ông ng i h p b% s c.Sau khi #ng trong g n

10 giây c g ng nh l i o n th# hai c a l i nói vui,

ông m(c s cu i cùng th t ra:” … và tôi không th

nh cô ta là ai!”

CONFESSION

Melvin comes to confession "Father," he said,

forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my

son?"

"I lusted," Melvin replied

"Tell me about it," the priest said

Melvin then related his story "Father, I am a

deliveryman.Yesterday I was making a delivery in

the affluent section of the city.When I rang the bell,

the door opened and there stood the most

beautifulwoman I have ever seen She had long

blonde hair and eyes like emeralds.She was dressed

in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect

figure.And, she asked seductively if I would like to

come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the

priest

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted

Oh, how I lusted,"replied the man

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the

priest "You will get your reward in heaven, my

son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my

reward might be?" Melvin asked

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay

would be appropriate, you dumb ass “

X NG T I

Melvin i x ng t i.”Th a cha,” anh ta nói, “tha l/i

cho con vì con có t i.”

Linh m(c h i:”Con ã làm gì con c a ta?”

“Con dâm ãng,” Melvin tr l i

“Hãy k cho cha nghe,” linh m(c nói

R i Melvin k l i câu chuy!n.”Th a cha, con làm

ngh a th Hôm qua con ang phát th m t khu

sang tr ng c a thành ph Khi con rung chuông, cánh c&a m ra và m t ph( n p nh t mà con t'ng

th y #ng ó Nàng có mái tóc dài vàng hoe và ôi

m t nh ng c l(c b o.Nàng m c m t chi c áo dài

m ng phô ra hình dáng hoàn h o c a nàng.Và nàng

h i m t cách quy n r con có mu n vào nhà không.”

“Và, con ã làm gì, con c a ta ?” v% linh m(c h i

“Th a cha, con không i vô nhà nh ng con n i dâm.Oi, con dâm ãng làm sao,” gã áp

“T i l/i c a con ã c tha,” linh m(c tr l i.”Con

s c th ng trên thiên àng, con c a ta.”

“Th ng , th a cha? Cha ngh ph n th ng c a con có th là gì?” Melvin h i?

Linh m(c tr l i:”Cha ngh m t ng c h n là thích

h p, … con l'a ngu ng c ”

JESUS AND THE UNION WORKER

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he

felt relief for the first time in years

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight

Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake When

they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively,

"Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

CHÚA GIÊXU VÀ NHÂN VIÊN CÔNG OÀN

M t ngày kia,hai ng i àn ông và m t nhân viên công oàn ang câu cá trên m t cái h thì Chúa Giêxu i ngang m t n c và tham gia cùng v i htrên chi c thuy n Khi 3 ng i àn ông kinh ng c ã

ng i xu ng nói chuy!n, ng i u tiên h i

m t cách h mình:”Th a Chúa Giêxu, con ã ch%u ch#ng au l ng t' khi con dính m t m nh n trong chi n tranh Vi!t Nam … ngài có th giúp con không?”

“D nhiên, con c a ta”, Chúa Giêxu nói, và khi ngài

ch m vào l ng ng i àn ông, ông ta c m th y l n

u tiên h t au n trong nhi u n m

Ng i àn ông th# hai eo c p kính r t dày và có

g p khó kh n khi c và lái xe ã h i Chúa Giêxu

Khi Chúa Giêxu quay sang ch a cho nhân viên công

oàn, ng i này a hai tay lên và kêu la trong s$

tránh né:”"'ng (ng t i con Con b t l$c t' lâu.”

EVEN GOD CAN’T HELP!

A young boy and his doting grandmother were

walking along the sea shore when a huge wave

appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to

sea

The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised

her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to

return her beloved grandson

Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the

stunned child on the sand before her

The grandmother looked the boy over

carefully He was fine

But still she stared up angrily toward the

heavens "When we came," she snapped indignantly,

"he had a hat!"

ang i d c theo b bi n thì m t cơn sóng kh ng l

không rõ nơi âu xu t hi!n, cu n chú bé ra bi n

Ng i ph( n ho ng s s(p xu ng g i,

ng c nhìn tr i cao và xin Chúa tr l i cho bà #a

cháu yêu quý

Nhìn kìa, m t con sóng khác ã a lên và

t #a tr choáng váng trên cát tr c m t bà ta

In Italy, an elderly man went to a priest and

confessed "Forgive me, Father," he sobbed "During

the war, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."

"But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."

"That wasn't so nice," the priest said, "but you were putting yourself at risk."

"Oh, thank you, Father, " the man said "But

I have one more question."

"What is it?" asked the priest

"Do you think I should tell him the war is over?"

NG I T" N N

9 Ý, m t ng i àn ông có tu i i t i linh m(c và

x ng t i:”Tha l/i cho con, th a cha,” ông ta n#c n

“Trong su t chi n tranh, con ã gi u m t ng i t%

n n trên gác mái.”

“" c r i,” v% linh m(c nói, “ ó không ph i

là m t t i l/i.”

“Nh ng,” ng i àn ông thú nh n, “Con b t anh ta ph i tr ti n thuê.”

“"i u ó không p,” linh m(c nói, “nh ng con ã t$ t mình vào ch/ nguy hi m.”

“0, c m ơn cha,” ng i àn ông nói

“Nh ng con có m t câu h i n a.”

“Câu gì v y?” linh m(c h i

“Cha có ngh con nên nói v i ông ta chi n tranh ã k t thúc?”

PRAY

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught in the railroad tracks He tried to get it out but it was really stuck He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming

He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"

Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!" Still

nothing and the train was just seconds away!

He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and fornicating."

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and

he was able to dive out of the way in the nick of time

He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

C U CHÚA