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„ H0W 10 BE BRITISH coecion #w@ `

The How To Be British Collection Two

Martyn Ford Peter Legon

L

G P

The How To Be British Collection Two Published by Lee Gone Publications, 11 Bowen Court, 31-35 The Drive,

Hove, East Sussex, BN3 3JF, GB

First published 2005

Revised and reprinted 2009

Reprinted 2010

Reprinted 2011 Reprinted 2012

© Martyn Ford, Peter Legon 2005 All rights reserved

Artwork by Martyn Ford

ISBN 9780952287063

Printed in China

All rights reserved; no part of this publication ma

or transmitted in any form or by any means, elect

otherwise, without the prior writt

y be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, ronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or

€n permission of the publishers

ird James

»

IC, for R

I Grey Matter

It’s been said that international scientists engaged in research on the human brain prefer British

brains to experiment on because they are the freshest, and the reason for that is because they have hardly been used

But hang on a moment, is that really fair? The British love quizzes Answering tricky questions

for profit or glory is a national pastime Here is a taster:

(1) British food is (2) British National Day is (3) Britain is

a the best in the world a April Ist (a.m only) a in Europe

b the best in the UK b February 29th b outside Europe

c best avoided c usually rained off c Europe

The British brain has evolved to cope with complexity, from the rules of cricket to our system

of spelling In an effort to develop the national I.Q., British children are required from infancy

to develop their mental powers by doing the Times crossword puzzle every day and by learning the names of King Henry VIII’s wives We are generally impressed by displays of knowledge

and learning However, such displays should be kept in their proper place, i.e the radio or

television quiz show, and should never be allowed into everyday social interaction

language learning facility

(not visible to naked eye)

national pride gland

(likely to become inflamed

during World Cup)

Isle of Wight

love of countryside BACKBONE!

2 Great Britons

To be a Great Briton it is not enough to do something original and marvellous; it is essential that

ordinary Britons can understand it Charles Darwin, for example, is Great because he pointed

out that we are close relatives of more primitive life forms lower down the evolutionary chain

~ a truth evident to anyone who finds an old sofa or TV set dumped in their front garden Robin Hood is Great because he brought tourism to Nottingham and Florence Nightingale because of her lamp

A minimum qualification for greatness is to have a distinguishing characteristic that enables ordinary people to pick you out from the crowd: an unusual hat, a two-fingered salute, round glasses or only one arm

In no way should foreigners feel debarred from seeking the status of Great Briton It is a time-

honoured custom here for high-achievers from overseas to be redesignated as British, as long

as they agree not to mention their origins, and to give all the credit for their triumphs to their

3 You Are Here

But where exactly? And what is the address? Many foreign visitors are understandably confused Britain is a nation and the people who live here are British nationals or Britons (apart from those who are visiting or hiding here) This doesn’t include Ireland, which is really called Eire, and was part of Britain once but isn’t now, except that is for Northern Ireland (Ulster), where the people are /rish, of course (and not English), but are also part of the United Kingdom (although some object to this), which consists of England, Scotland and Wales, as well as Ulster, which have separate parliaments (except Wales, which has an assembly and Ulster which has power sharing), but not the Isle of Man, which is neither part of Britain nor the United Kingdom, although its residents are classified as ‘Manx British’, nor the Channel Islands, which are dependencies of the British crown, though all of the aforementioned are part

of the British Isles (see Great Britain) Any questions?

Expressions to learn

I’m an ethnic Chinese Welshman with British nationality living in Scotland

Are you a Kentish man or a man of Kent?

Avoid saying

So how does the European Constitution affect this?

Say what you like, it’s all the same country

4 O’er the Border and Awa’

It is sometimes said that the Scots are dour because of their rugged landscape and harsh weather, and the roughness of their woollens against the skin Foreign visitors, however, will find them

friendly and hospitable For a taste of the ‘real’ Scotland, take the High Road (or the Low Road)

to Edinburgh to watch the soldiers at the castle displaying their military tattoos (mostly scenes

of victory over the ‘auld enemy’)

Next it’s on to the Highlands where activities abound Learn to toss the caber (also known as

the Highland Fling), attend a bagpipe workshop, dance a ceilidh or two, then as the midnight sun slowly sets, hire a rowing boat and relive the romantic journey of Bonnie Prince Charlie in

1746 as he escaped over the sea to Skye disguised as a haggis An official guide will lead you miles over burns, banks and braes to his lonely crofter’s cottage where, by a roaring peat fire, you can nibble your way through a box of shortbread and sample your host’s entire collection

of 120 single malts

Expressions to learn

A plate of neeps and tatties and an Auld Reekie chaser, please

Can you repeat that, Jock, but this time in English?

and coming up on our right, one of the most magnificent views in the whole of the Highlands — the stark grandeur of

the Gilliemuir Mountains and Glen Lairg where the Nairns were massacred by the McKeiths, and the romantic ruins of

Dunleekie Castle, reflected in the shimmering expanse of Loch oh, dear, the mist’s come down again! Never mind,

\ if you'd like to turn to the screen at the front of the bus, you can see the same scene on video, filmed last year, when

decade — sometimes all on the same person

Thinking of taking time out to visit some of our world-renowned museums, castles or historic houses? Don’t worry, there’s no need to stop spending Your tour will only be complete once you ve visited the on-site shop and purchased a T-shirt, teddy bear or pencil sharpener Some of

these miniature national treasures are actually still made in the UK

The current economic climate has made profits hard to come by and even some major retail

chains have become endangered species So for the Brits themselves going shopping round the clock is no longer just a pleasure or ‘therapy’, it’s a patriotic duty

=Just think there are over L

200 museums, galleries and -

heritage sites in London

- Luckily, I only had time to go shopping!

6 Making Tracks

It is all too common these days to hear rail travellers grumbling into their mobiles about delays, cancellations and failed trains But such things are really minor inconveniences when compared to the huge improvements made in the provision of continental-style coffee and pastries on station forecourts, not to mention the gaily-coloured uniforms of the many private rail companies whose trains come and go (or remain) at the platforms

We apologise for the late running of this train, which is due to the length of the journey

All of us at some time have sat on a train, wondering why it’s not moving or the lights have suddenly gone out But it’s all too easy to criticise and to forget that the railways have had to deal with years of under-investment Getting from A to B is not the straightforward business it

used to be At least we can now listen to a cheerful recorded announcement informing us of the

driver’s name, or that the buffet has just closed We should stop grumbling, sit back and enjoy the ride Or, rather, the wait

Five hours later, having enjoyed a light lunch of pie and chips, Jack sets off for the bus stop He always takes the bus to home matches as he likes to chat to the fans on the way and to check his wages haven’t fallen too much below theirs

The crowd is a capacity 40,000 At half time the score stands at 0-0 and despite manager Ted

Greenaway’s half-time talk to his team of local lads, the game finishes United 0 Rovers 1 Jack

is bitterly upset at the result, and in no mood to go out that evening He stays in watching TV with his landlady, Mrs Purdy At 10 o’clock he goes to bed with a milky drink, hoping above hope for a better result against City on Tuesday

And good losers!

8 Cricket

Cricket is not merely a sport, but part of the English soul, and visitors should treat it with the

quiet respect accorded to the rites of an unfamiliar religion

Although the general aim of the batting side is to score runs and the bowling side to take

wickets, the main priority for all is to enjoy a pleasant afternoon in the fresh air and work up

an appetite for tea It should be treated not so much as a contest, but as a shared activity, like

building a bonfire or putting up a tent (activities also likely to be interrupted by rain)

Cricket is a common topic of earnest conversation in pubs and places of work, particularly in

the summer Even if you never play or watch a match it is recommended that you familiarise

yourself with some basic cricketing terms in order not to be socially and culturally disadvantaged

For example, Perkins is out — caught in the slips off the bowling of Glover for 9 Or, What a

splendid cover drive by Wilkins!

9 The Full English

Fried egg, streaky bacon, sausage, grilled tomato, mushrooms, baked beans, black pudding, a fried slice, not to mention the obligatory starters and accompaniments: grapefruit segments, stewed prunes, cereals, porridge, numerous rounds of toast, butter and marmalade, and, of course, unlimited cups of tea With a head start like that no wonder the British built an Empire that girdled the earth, while their unlucky competitors struggled out into the world with only a bowl of milky coffee and a tiny bun to line their stomachs

Sadly, in these decadent days, it is left to a determined few to start the day with the time- honoured ‘fry-up’ The rest run from bed to bathroom to front door pausing only to grab a

‘breakfast bar’ or some equally degenerate snack substitute

Happily, though, ‘the full English’ survives in transport cafés and B&Bs throughout the land

and the emergence of the popular ‘all-day breakfast’ clearly demonstrates that the time is ripe

for the British once more to fulfil their potential on the world’s stage

đê

There’s only one thing to do after a

Full English Breakfast

go back to bed and sleep

it off till lunchtime !

NL

10 Land of Hope and Gravy

The close-knit British family keeps tradition alive in the cherished ritual of sitting down together

to Sunday lunch At the heart of this ritual is the Sunday joint, roasted in its juices with potatoes and parsnips, and accompanied by steamin g heaps of cabbage, carrots, peas and sprouts, plus, if beef is on the menu, Yorkshire pudding This whole collation is then drenched with rich brown gravy — one of the world’s greatest, though still alas unsung, sauces

As lunch is prepared, the family gather round the wireless and listen to a programme of record requests played for brave members of the British Armed Forces serving in far-flung corners of the Empire, who are constrained to live in little huts with names like ‘BFPO 17’ Then Mother calls everyone to the table, Father carves the roast, and it’s ‘Dig in!’

After a brief interval to debate the top political and religious issues of the day, a steaming suet pudding is served, speckled with sultanas, over which is poured hot yellow custard — another sadly under-rated British sauce

Great British Traditions ca llhun|l nhi =) | Vijay lar| lì | li tiiile= nt bother abaul e|/Tm 0.k Lhad a Ass

Number 39: Sunday Lunch Pez = ay Wize CC = anit bathe away | | satsuma earl ca ch

Il Making a Meal of It

The foreign visitor invited to a British home for a meal should be aware of the precise terminology

We use to describe what we eat and when we eat it This is to avoid the embarrassment of arriving five hours early (or late), too hungry or not hungry enough

Lunch: almost certainly in the middle of the day May consist of anything from sandwiches to

a three-course meal

Luncheon: you will need to use a serviette

Dinner: in the south of England around 7 or 8pm, but north of The Wash probably a hot meal

in the middle of the day

Tea: could be sandwiches, tea and cake at 4pm, or up north a hot meal around 5.30

High tea: a larger meal than tea, probably involving pork pie and sliced beetroot

Supper: used by metropolitan sophisticates to mean dinner (braised ptarmigan and halloumi

patties with a blueberry coulis, etc.) eaten fairly late in the evening; to humbler folk, a bedtime snack such as cheese biscuits with a hot milky drink

12 Back Street Boozer

Clive and Julie welcome you to the Frog and Piano Please support your local!

MONDAYS: Can’t see what you're drinking? Ready for the new warning labels? FREE EYESIGHT TESTS available from 19.30 (courtesy of Barnes, the Opticians)

TUESDAYS: COUNSELLING NIGHT from 20.00 Have you, without realising it, become addicted to pub quizzes’? Remember, the government recommends a maximum of two a week Talk, in confidence, to one of our experts and get your life back on track

WEDNESDAYS: Our ever-popular SLIMMERS SESSION 18.00 — 22.00 Enjoy our special half-size chip-free menu at no extra cost

THURSDAYS: MEET THE NEIGHBOURS from 18.30 Worried you don’t know anyone in

your street? Need to improve your social skills? Get to know the real human individuals behind

those brief, embarrassed Good mornings

FRIDAYS: BLOOD PRESSURE CLINIC from 17.30 Commuters, find out how much yours

has gone up over the past week (PSA levels and liver function by arrangement.)

SATURDAYS: Kids, can you act, sing, dance, or simply show off in front of grown-ups? Then enter our BRIGHT SPARKS TALENT COMPETITION (5 — 11 years) 14.00 — 16.00 (Parents

must be kept under control at all times)

SUNDAYS: We are open from 12.00 — 14.00 (free bar snacks) and 19.00 — 22.30 Sorry, no

roasts and definitely no Big Screen football We pride ourselves on being a traditional pub!

THE BRITISH PUB has survived unchanged for Ả

a 1000 years A little thing like the smoking |

ban isn’t going to make a difference

13 Cold Calling

Oh, good evening This is Gary at Corporate Queries No, this is not a sales call We’re offering free trials for selected homeowners and our representatives will be in your area Who is your

Current provider? Are you paying too much on your contract? Have you thought of changing?

If you do so today, there’s a mystery prize and a free financial review from our qualified team Please don’t hang up, don’t cut me off, like all the others do You’re my last call of the night

There’s only me left here in the call centre — all the others have gone home Half the lights have been turned out and I’m sitting in front of my screen, my fingers poised ready to key in your details, and it feels pretty cold and desolate here, I can tell you Look, I know this sounds crazy but I wonder could you, would you like to, perhaps, if you’re free some time, maybe, you know, have a drink with me? You would? That’s great! Can I have your details, please? ‘Platt’

~ what a lovely name! What’s the mystery prize, you say? Well, I’m afraid I don’t know, Miss Platt That’s another department Shall I put you through? Will you hold?

as > ENGI Si Lesson tees

On the Phone

“Good afternoon, could | speak "Hold the line, please, while | try to

lo Tiện , please? › connect you.”

Hello I'd like to speak to “The line’s busy, I'm afraid.”

“Who shall | say is calling?”

“Could you put me through to 2”

or could y ae -put me Er canI J mean could 1

r, I mean

5 cut me up, er,

Xa it's me hold

14 The Ins and Outs of It

Think back to the last time you had cornflakes for breakfast Did you eat the cornflakes dry?

Probably not There was milk, wasn’t there? Now think back carefully: where exactly was the milk? Was it on the cornflakes, in the cornflakes, by the cornflakes, beside the cornflakes,

beneath the cornflakes or betwixt the cornflakes? It could have been any of those, and the way

in which you ate your breakfast would have been materially affected by which of them it was

ns to express so many exciting relationships

It is the great strength of English that it has the mea

‘t end there

between objects in the physical world But it doesn

emselves to the end of a ‘normal’ verb to

groove on down to, etc.), expressions

are baffled, a state of affairs that

One or more of these versatile little words can attach th

create phrasal verbs (shape up, chicken out, string along,

so idiomatic that even the most advanced foreign learners

native speakers have been known to use to their advantage

_ x > Lesson Ninety-fiv five)

IS Dear Reader

Do you remember letters ? [ mean yeal letters hand-written in blue ov black (nk, wilh Chossings ouf

that yevealed the writer's thoughts ad Second thoughts (and their Suspect spelling) Sometimes a bit

ot the material world got ontc™ the 0Aper (Ø0 : a caffe ri 4 † tear stain, a grease spot, the dried-

At

a (ea pa

Whose heart did uot Lift at the sidht of a at en li the dơm t in th ing, name

a a pleasantly familiar Lá a ak Du 00t lô hh an ake place name: trooper

Veet Cleaner Properly Insured?" “£2 off Your Next Chicken cury!")

In our lofts and altics there are trunks full of old letters and postcards tied up with ribbon, letters

we cant quite bring ourselves to throw away Wlak is the electontec eouivalent Uf that Trunk, traf

ribbon, those memories? Whose is the yomance in an icon on a computer desklop, a silver disk at

the bottom of a desk drawer, a Series of Os and 1s [ost somewhere in Cyberspace ?

Yours lai uy,

Neville Partlett

~ agonising for hours

over which card to buy

writing a unique personal

to buy the right stamp